Vajayjay Dialogues

at the end of the day, you are who you'll end up with.

2011-04-03T08:50:00.000-07:00

Getting involved with another person is a messy affair; you're combining two separate people with two sets of lives and expecting it to go off without a hitch. Sure, optimism and Hollywood tell you it'll be a seamless compromise--and in the honeymoon phase I have no doubt it will be. Only, humans are naturally selfish beings, sooner or later our need to come first will surface. If you make it to this point and still somehow are able to keep a balance (balance between not only the couple in the relationship but the people in their lives as well) then the next hurdle comes forward: merging the couple's baggage.

This is the part where you let your significant other see behind the veil; it's do or die time because if you're going to be with this person fairly long (ish) term then you don't want to be on eggshells the rest of this (rollercoaster) ride. You want to be able to relax and be yourself so you try to either throw it all on the table or ease them into it. If you rush the merger then you run the risk of scaring the other person off with all your eccentricities or learning that the person you're with is a first class nut job. If you ease them in, and don't fool yourself into thinking this is a safer route, you may have them think you've led them on and you aren't who you were-- that you've changed into someone completely different.

When you let someone in, you show them things you hide from most people, you let them into your inner sanctum. Unfortunately, most of the people you let in have no business being there; they'll trash it, kick everything over, and top it off with a steaming dump on it. When you become that intimate with someone, you run out of places you can hide-- places that are yours and yours alone. It becomes harder to say "this isn't for me, I'm out", harder to run, harder to go back to the beginning.

Intimacy means the devaluing of yourself for the sake of adding someone in.

you think you're confused?

2010-09-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

I'm still not sure how it happened. How the urge to make this other person happy became my rhyme and reason for doing things. I changed my habits so quickly I didn't notice until I caught myself yesterday. A girl at work asked why I couldn't eat fast food and I responded "because Ginger said--" and stopped myself there. I love occasional fast food, but I "wasn't allowed" because Ginger said no? Hell no. So I found myself smoking a cigarette--something he h a t e s-- to balance it in my mind. A bit crazy? Yes.
Sure, I could blame it on Disney ingraining it into me that to be happy and keep a relationship stable, defer to the guy and just be pretty, but that'd be a load of bull. I think its just because making him happy makes me happy, but I'm having trouble finding a balance of where he ends and I begin. Its not like I don't tell him the things I want or completely ignore what I want, but I tend to find a way to coincide our wants. He wants me to work out with him and eat healthier, so I rationalize that I've been wanting to lose weight so adhering to his Nazi plan is okay. I will acknowledgge my part in this imbalance, after a lifetime of insecurity I tend to want to make others happy because they'll love me because I make them happy. Hey, its a tried and tested method alright? But in actuality, its a bad habit because I underscore myself to place the other person slightly above me.
And now I'm in a relationship--a real, legit, give-and-take, grown up, serious relationship-- and I don't know quite how to hold my own in terms of wants. Like I'm not a big wanter besides being happy and occasional random things, and for him besides the working out he hasn't voiced many others. How do I explain this to someone just like me? Someone who hasn't had a prior serious communicative relationship, and has never really cared about the other person in relationshits prior?
The logical thing would be just to talk to him, but that's where it gets tricky. He's a stereotypical male Aries (masculine, headstrong, prone to avoiding emotions) and I'm a female Cancer (we're big on emotions haha nurturers). So even if I could find the perfect words, the approach is the hard part. Sometimes he'll make fun of me for being overly emotional; I think he subconciously does it to train me that emotions will get me made fun of so I won't bring them up. We're two of the most emotionally crippled people I know and we're trying to make it work.
I think that counts in our favor, that we're both making efforts to meet halfway but we're so different that our halfway doesn't match up. I would like for us to match up eventually, but I don't know how to get us there, and he seems to be content as is so he isn't going to make the effort. I'm a little scared that my being so willing to adapt and his inability to will cause an imbalance. Add that to the fact that he's dumped me twice already and you can see why I'm so wary about it. I'm worried he's only with me now because he thinks I'm willing to become what he wants as opposed to what I am.
I feel more than a little pathetic when I think about this as a whole, but if he were to be doing the same for me then we'd just be a working balanced relationship. So either I change and become stagnant like him or I talk to him about it and get him on my page. Well looks like I just talked myself into having a conversation about it with him, now where to start?

that's alright because i love the way you lie.

2010-08-14T09:51:00.000-07:00

Maybe if we weren't so good at lying to ourselves it'd be easier to tell the truth to each other. I think we have such a hard time sharing the truth with each other because we have an outline in our heads about how it all "should" go we lose sight of how it "could" be. I've been gutted as has he and neither of us really saw this coming when we first started seeing each other and now its all kinds of cluster fucked because we don't know how to be in a functional relationship. But as we learn together it stands to reason we can make our own rules right? Afterall, what happens between us is decided by us, not a jury of our peers. We both have our own sets of emotional baggage but the important thing is we're both thinking to ourselves of how we'll fit it all in our closet together. At least until his issues with vulnerability and emotion take him 5 steps back. So I wait patiently and guide him back forward, and meet him halfway so he isn't "spooked" I say but its because I'm as afraid as he is to get my heartbroken after investing everything I have into it. I guess the only difference between us is I'm not a coward-- as long as he's willing to come with me I'll fucking march on. He's the complete list of my LOML potential and while I'm willing to fight for it, I know I'm worth fighting for too.

he left a mark.

2010-08-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but when ginger hurts me it h u r t s. It hurts so much more than it ever did with any of my past failures. I suppose its my love of the potential that trips me up. But dammit this cuts and the disappointment feels as though it'll crush me sometimes-- othertimes I feel like its trying to shove my stomach through my spine. One day he's super boyfriend the next we're two ships passing in the sea. Our relationship may be stagnating but instead of talking about it we're carrying on? know that if there are no papers, there are no promises-- so why am I crying?

what's yours is mine?

2010-07-16T11:11:00.000-07:00

Ginger has been dragged into doing backstage work on the musical I'm working on, and besides the occasional whining he's been really great about it. So I figure he realizes how much theatre means to me and I mention some of the schools I'm looking at-- most of which are either on a coast or abroad. He turns on me and starts telling me "no, don't do it, we'll grow into different people, and we won't be able to have sex, don't that's a bad idea." Wtf? I'm not soundboarding, I'm not asking for your advice, I'm answering your question. I'm a firm believer in what's meant to be will be, and of doing what you feel you have to do for you. We'll cross this bridge when we get to it, but hopefully he'll realize that if he tries to make me choose between him and my empire, I'll choose my empire everytime. If we're two people in love we'll make it work; we can't if one person is shooting the idea down instead of helping to think of solutions.

our first foray into the land of the l-word.

2010-06-27T18:25:00.000-07:00

Ginger calls me and says he wants to cook me dinner because we had a bit of a fight. I go to his place thinking we'll eat something easy in front of the tv and just chill. Wrong. I walk in and there's two places set with candles and steaks and all kinds of goodies. The whole time we're eating and chatting I notice how comfortable we are with each other; swapping bites and laughing. He asks how I like it and I tell him it was great, then he asks if any other boyfriend has cooked for me. That was a big negative and he vowed to do it more often because I cook often. He's sweet as pudding since the break up and its been a learning experience for both of us. We have an amazing evening after dinner, swimming with his friends and drinking and talking. Of course we have sex, AC for that, and canoodle and talk about the future and plans and dreams and jokes. Then one of his friends decides to try and bum rush us thinking it'll result in him being in a threesome.....no. ginger flips out and socks his friend in the face while totally naked, hilarious haha.

taking leafs left and right.

2010-06-19T07:40:00.000-07:00

as mentioned in SATC2, every relationship should make their own rules-- after all no one is in the relationship but the two of you so why should anyone else's opinions or wishes matter? ginger and i have been drafting our own rules and i like the idea that we'd be a steady relationship that could handle that. i also noticed that Miz Chelle has posted a list of requirements, so to speak, and wanted to compare my relationship to the list I myself made nearly a year ago. Let's see how it measures up:

1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.
Ginger is increasingly honest with me, and we've communicated more than i have in any other relationship

2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.
with his possessive streak there's never any question about where we stand, and since the reunion he's been even more romantic/sexual

3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.
oh trust, ginger has got this allure because he's so self confident, but at times he's got a smidgen of insecurity to balance it out and keep it from collapsing into douchery.

4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before you, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.
he's actually been really great about it all,even coming to hang out with us most nights and he's very accepting of friendship lines that were in place before him.

5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.
ginger understands my limits sometimes better than i do and he's very aware of my preferences.

6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.
very charmingly and cheekily ginger asked if i wanted to be exclusive at the beginning of this adventure and he has a jealous streak-- one that he has admitted would keep him from being ok with a threesome because he doesn't want to share me

7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.
he's actually offered to do running crew for the summer musical i'm in and he's gotten into glee and true blood because i liked them and he gave them a shot and now he's as obsessed as i am

8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.
he and my brother are speed training together and he's the first boyfriend to actually engage my father in conversation. winner there haha

9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.
he gets on great with all my friends and has introduced me to his best friends. no word yet on bringing them all together, but i'm sure in due time.

10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.
he hasn't read tolstoy or poe, but he's crazy smart about chemistry and other linear things. i'm trying to get him into the abstract but he's a nonfiction kinda guy. we have debates at times and we have trivia sessions, it's fun.

11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.
we played volleyball this weekend the day after we went to the club and got trashed haha we always have fun

12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.
he is always game for whatever, and lately i've learned that this is a better plan than making plans with him haha we're both so spontaneous that sometimes making plans keeps us from doing stuff haha

13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.
i've learned some random stuff from him, and he's definitely learned a thing or two from me

14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.
he's ever the charmer and opens doors. he's sweet and frankly he's the most gentlemanly i've ever dated....of course that doesn't spread to the bedroom ;)

15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.
the more i've gotten to know this kid, the funnier and more endearing he is. we've had just as much fun bumming it on my couch as we have at beer pong at his place as we've had at the river

16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.
he's actually told me he loves that i'm not like other girls he's dated. and i'm always being treated like the first girl, there aren't any expectations or anticipations based off of other girls

17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.
i hate that he listens so well haha when i'm upset and trying not to show it he can tell and its sweet but frustrating sometimes haha i just wanna stew and be mad at you in peace!

18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.
ginger's an alpha. no buts about it.

19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.
we had a smidgen of a problem with this once, but we talked it out and fixed it

20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.
he told me that i'm his best friend and i told him that when he broke up with me it felt like i lost a best friend and a boyfriend at the same time

21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.
so far so good. haha gotta love this jerk.

all in all pretty positive across the board; all that and our out of this world sexual chemistry leads me to think this is a great thing haha, now i can go forward into the Land of the L-word knowing we're pretty great together.

sometimes you couldn't imagine the outcome if you tried

2010-06-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

So as you all know, ginger dumped me last week and I was up in the air over how I felt about it. As the week progressed I went to the lake with some friends and hoped to get my mind off it. But I just ended up venting to the girls over margaritas about it and we compiled a list of things to say to him about all of it. I was especially confused about how we were broken up but still texting every night and things like that so I added that to the list of things I needed mother fuckken clarification on. Well, I come home Sunday and ginger was supposed to come over that night; on the drive home, though, he texted to cancel on me-- par for the course much? Well I was like "fuck this and him" when he texts me asking if he could come over monday, I tell him "sure, whatever" and forget about it. He comes over the next day and we watch true blood then he asks if we can talk. We go to another room and I wait for him to start talking-- only he is struggling and looks like he's going to cry. He finally starts with "I'm scared. I'm scared of 3 things: commitment, that I'm not good enough for you, and letting you in because it means I have to let my wall down." We talk for 2 hours about it all and how he was so scared he "jumped ship" instead of talking it out with me because he has never really talked things out with anyone before so he wasn't sure he'd be able to find the words. After 2 hours, he covered everything I had on my list before I had a chance to bring any of it up, and he even spent 20 minutes of it apologizing for ruining everything and how he'd like to get back together if I'd have him. I wasn't sure how to respond so we sat in silence for a while just holding hands; finally he kissed my hand and said "this is the first time I've felt like myself since I broke up with you, just being around you is enough if you don't want me." It was the sweeted thing I've ever heard and the look in his eyes just about broke my heart so I said "yes, on two conditions", he looked like a make a wish kid being granted a wish he was so happy he said "anything, you name it." I looked him in the eye and said "one, we talk it out before you go jumping ship," he nodded and said "if I had done that instead of what I did I could've saved us a lot of shit, of course" and I said "two, you kiss me." So we kissed and caught up on lost time chatting when he kissed me and said "I love you, you know that right? I figured if I had broken up with you and been just friends you'd be in my life forever, but I didn't realize how much I need you." So the L word has been dropped by the greatest LOML potential to date....let's see how I navigate these waters of Love.

the end of the road.

2010-06-10T02:46:00.000-07:00

Well ginger broke up with me yesterday. I still feel kinda numb and I'm more disappointed he broke up with me than anything I think. That is because he broke up with me on impulse because he feels "someone could care about [me] than [he] could. He felt bad because he went an entire day without thinking about me. Big whoop, I do that too but I don't go dumping you on a whim. And the mixt signals I was getting from him-- hell the ones I've been getting since last friday-- are so baffling to me. Obviously he doesn't know where he's at, so he decides to break it off in lieu of actually talking about and owning up to his feelings-- confusion included. Very mature. Ugh. And now I've been awake since 4 am for no apparent reason, but I'm going to guess it has something to do with him. What am I saying? Of course it has something to do with him, he's the closest out of all the guys I've dated to LOML material and frankly it broke my heart a little that he was so willing to just drop me to avoid feelings or whatever his reasoning is. So he may have sabotaged our relationship and demoted it back to the ranks of relationshit, but I'll be forever grateful that he showed me the kind of relationship I deserve and was a pillar of strength in a hard time.

Micro Bitchrant

2010-05-30T02:50:00.000-07:00

Within the last few weeks, I have become much more attuned to how many blind, irrational, and/or utterly moronic women there are out there who are more or less breaking their own hearts. Well, ladies, this one is for you…

First and foremost, let's get one thing clear: HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. If he has a girlfriend that he hides you from, he does not love you. If he goes a week without speaking to you, he does not love you. If he always makes the issues your fault, he does not love you. If you have never met his friends or family, he does not love you. If you attempt to have a serious discussion with him about where your "relationship(shit)" is headed and he dismisses you, he does not love you. If he broke up with you, he does not love you. If he lies to you, he does not love you. And if he cheats/betrays you, he does not love you.

He is not shy. He is not busy. He is not confused. He is not unaware of or unwilling to admit his "true" feelings. In my experience and observation, I have learned that a guy will literally do almost ANYTHING for a woman he truly loves and wants to be with. He will man up and respect her. He will be honest with her. He will spoil her. He will communicate with her. He will do all those things that you've been tricked into thinking "just aren't in a man's nature to do". Well, sweetie, they are in a MAN's nature—they're just not in the nature of that asshole you've been wasting your time with.

It baffles (and disgusts) me at how many women I see making excuses for these little boys. Just because his dick gets hard and he plays dress-up does not mean he's a man. More importantly, he's not really YOUR man and he's not the man you need to be involved with. So get to truckin', sister. You've got shit to do.

And trust me—I get it. It hurts to break up with someone you really care about. It hurts to give up on someone that you've invested your EVERYTHING into. I have been there time and time again. But it's better you dump his ass, keep your dignity, and affirm your self-worth than get your ass dumped and be obliterated by his selfishness. It's time you stop missing his ungodly ass and start celebrating your own BAMF-ness. On the real. And by any means necessary.

Have I made myself clear? GOOD!

(Okay, so this wasn't "micro", but it served it's purpose for the time being. Keep checking for the more in-depth sequel to this post. I've struck gold, I think…)

i'm not sorry i met you.

2010-05-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

Well this relationshit I'm in with Ginger is taking off, and to date I haven't had a thought or urge to cheat, leave or sabotage. This is crazy considering my track record. He keeps me on my toes, and I keep him guessing-- we're complete opposites but its complimentary I think. Sometimes its kinda anxiety wrought because I am so out of practice with monogamy that when he asks me things sometimes I'm so busy searching for double meanings and trap doors I don't actually realize till later that he was being straight forward.

Being in a relationshit-- relationship, I suppose-- where things are how they are at face value and there's no underhanded manipulation, is exhilarating-- AFTER I remind myself that he says what he means and means what he says. I'm grateful that he's patient and stubborn haha if he'd have given up when I told him to months ago I wouldn't have him now. The Spark is intense haha and our attraction is incredible, we've had crazy amounts of sex. check A.C. for that.

But he's a doll, Miz Sara Jane was broken up with last night and his first words were "fuck that guy, tell her to come over, should I go get alcohol?" He's a great guy and he is genuinely friends with my besties. Not to mention the fact that we talk-- like hold actual conversations, talk at length about feelings and how situations make us feel. I've never had this level of communication in a romantic relationship, and it's a crazy feeling. knowing that there's a guy that genuinely cares about how i'm feeling and will ask me and tell me how he feels. it's give and take at it's basest form and it's important to me.

A quick poem that caught my eye.

2010-05-19T09:41:00.001-07:00

Here's a poem by ee cummings that caught my eye today:
i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

I even warned him with "I'm still new to this..."

2010-05-02T08:49:00.001-07:00

And he replied "me too".

This one month fresh relationshit is already making me feel like I've
been in it forever. We have had some really pointless arguements, but
we've also had some really important talks I never had with other guys.
Ginger, the boy frenn, and I work-- although most of the time we butt
heads and I want to throttle him. He's got a bit of a possesive side,
he's a jealous type. That doesn't gel well with me sometimes because
I've got some really close guy friends, and I'm really affectionate.

I think a big part of it is all our excess tension and anger with each
other is funneled into our sex life. We get to be goofy with each other
when we're hanging out and sometimes even while we have sex we're joking
around. And then we get really intense sometimes, we've both got a kinky
streak a block wide.

We don't spend all our time together, and I don't think we've had a
phone conversation that's lasted longer than a minute thirty. Sometimes
I find myself wanting to cuddle-- odd I know-- and then we have bitch
fits.We're two people attempting to figure out monogamy for ourselves;
I'll keep you guys updated.

High Standards

2010-05-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

In high school, I used to write down all the qualities I wanted my future boyfriend/husband to have. I'm doing it again… Not because I'm desperate. Not because I believe there is someone out there who can and will fulfill all of these requirements. But because I need to remind myself what I'm waiting for and what I'm worth. And plus, I'm a little bit older and wiser now. Perhaps that means something… =]

- I want a man who can cook and likes to cook. I'm a big girl. I like to eat. I need someone to share this passion with.

- I want a man who respects and cherishes his mother. His first relationship with a woman was the one with his mother. If that is bruised or broken, there's no real chance for me.

- I want a man who has good taste in music. He like the same things as I do. He can like better things than I do. But music is my passion and salvation when all other art/experience fails. 'Nuff said.

- I want a man who is educated and likes to learn/think. You don't need to be Ivy League, nor do you need to be a genius. But you better be intelligent, with an active mind, and know how to put forth dialogue and ideas.

- I want a man who doesn't always agree with me. Challenge my perceptions; try to break my paradigms. Sometimes, I just want you to fight with me. I don't want a "Yes Man"; I want an honest man who stays true to his convictions.

- I want a spiritual man. My religious/spiritual ideologies change weekly. But I always have faith in God, even when it's not positive. I need someone who prays when things are rough and hopes in a bigger Mystery.

- I want a man who is about his business. Be goal-oriented, driven, and handle your shit. No one wants a 30 year old who is still coastin'. Well, maybe some do… but not me.

- I want a man who makes me laugh. I have a mood disorder. I'm also quite sensitive and melodramatic. Shit hits me. I need someone who will pick me up and make me smile when shit hits the fan.

- I want a man who will go to battle with me. Whether you lay down in the trenches with me or are throwing grenades, I need someone who is going to help me fight and press on.

- I want a man who turns me on. Sexuality and desire is tricky. But it's still necessary in a good, healthy relationship. Whether we're fucking, touching, or just cuddling… I want to be attracted to him. I need him to know how to please me — in all ways.

- I want a man who is: patient, respectful, loyal, honest, open, and kind. These are the "Big Qualities" in relationships. I'm a lot to deal with, but I need to know that you will always be there. No matter what. I can promise you I will do the same.

- I want a man who won't cheat. I know I already mentioned loyalty. But niggaz try to get around this one. This means, NO KISSING, TOUCHING, OR FUCKING. Also, emotional betrayal counts, too.

- I want a man who communicates. I get it — men have been groomed by society to not be warm-n-fuzzy. Still, when you're pissed off, tell me. When you're horny, tell me. When you love me, tell me. And if you just want to talk, that's beautiful.

- I want a man who takes risks and loves the "new". I'm trying to do this myself, so it would help if I'm with someone who knows how to go on adventures and says yes to the opportunities and possibilities that Life presents.

- I want a man who is creative. I can't help it — I find artists sexy. What he creates is his business, but I need someone who loves and is as passionate about art and creating as I am.

- I want a man who knows a relationship is in the details. Yes, the sex can be off the hook. Yes, we can talk for hours and I can trust you unconditionally. But I want the small things to count, too. I want someone who will buy my tampons if I'm too crampy to go out and get them myself. I want someone who I can poop and fart around. I want someone who will bring me soup when I'm sick. I want someone I can be silly and comfortable with.

- I want a man who knows the definition of intimacy. It's not about sex or secrets. It's about willingness and vulnerability, in my opinion. I want to share and meld with you. I need a best friend, a real one.

- I want a man who will protect me. Fuck feminism. I want you to defend my honor and threaten to pummel anyone who disrespects or hurts me. I don't find it sexist, I find it romantic.

He's out there. I can feel it…

Oh, hello, lover…

2010-04-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

I've been out of the loop since, like, January?

I guess this is what happens when your heart is broken and you shut yourself off from all social arenas, including romantic and sexual. But you know, I'm feeling a little transparent and reflective (is that possible?) right now. So why don't I just dive right in and tell you all about what's been un-happening in my Life?

As far as romance goes, there is none. Eventually, I'll have to stop giving Atu more credit than he deserves. He didn't necessarily break my heart. He hurt me, yes. And our relationship and certain events that transpired involving him caused me a great deal of pain and emotional turmoil. But I think I broke my own heart. He was an ass. But I wasn't exactly innocent either. It's getting easier to make my peace and come to terms with that clusterfuck of sexuality and emotional insanity, but it's still an uphill battle.

I would love to have crazy hot sex everyday and be in a steady relationship right now. I know that's not really what I need or what I want, though. (The sacrifices I make to be someone I can stand, right?) I think I'm seeking companionship, trust, and maybe some passion. When I was involved with him, I was seeking a lot of other stuff, too. I can't say those issues are resolved. But they're just not so urgent anymore.

It's a bitch when you realize (a) you're not like everyone else and (b) the things you seek will not come to you easily.

This thought has died now. Just be happy I'm back, bitches.

We've now entered the Outer Limits.

2010-04-10T19:02:00.001-07:00

Soooo let's summarize what's happened since my last post [forgive me for
the delay in _DEFAULT. and such]: I'm now in a (mostly) committed
relationshit, made it through Lent, fucked the Ginger, had some of the
most fun at beer pong nights.

Hate to be a horrid tease but I've got to get ready for a date =] more
later, promises! メメメ

I guess its fight or flight..

2010-04-07T04:14:00.000-07:00

So I like him. He's strong--emotionally.
He's very sincere, and doesn't bullshit with me..
I'm not guarded with him, not on the defensive..
and if I get mouthy he can take it ;)
I like it.

But already he's got this tendency to hold me to standards
I've never implied I can live up to. He calls me his Lady.
He gets angry when I don't respond to him the way he'd
like, and he gets jealous..Really jealous..
And then we fight.

And this is as a friend.
We've got no papers, We've made no promises.

So, ordinarily..I would assume his actions are
telling of a situation I want/need no part of
because I've been there done that and don't think
any penis is large enough to excuse ignorant behavior..
Ordinarily, I'd NEXT him.

But I like him.
This is going to sound dumb but a Porno I was watching (lmao)
had these 4 couples going to sex therapy or something and one
of the couples problem is that they argue like crazy..
Over dumb shit too, they'd argue like crazy and have crazy make-up sex.

The sex doctor says that they don't have an anger issue
or anything serious to worry about.. "Its passion"

But see, I don't know about that..I know that at the root of
every fight is someone's hurt feelings or bruised ego. And
it wouldn't be a problem if we didn't care... BUT
I've seen "passion" turn to rage turn to possessiveness and
even violence..and I'm really not the bitch to deal with that.

Anyway, somehow that couple found a resolution from
something the love doc said..but I don't remember bc I
was thinking ''enough storyline just get to the sex''
Ugh, guess I'll have to watch it again...

I don't know where he goes.

2010-03-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

Well, Ginger has been making some advances. Not just sexual advances-- emotional ones. I've been fielding him for months, but he's always one step behind me. I've already told him the concept of commitment right now makes me antsy, and in turn he seduced me to take my mind off of it. He's clever....and that frightens me a smidgen. IDK HOW TO OUTSMART AN ARIES! haha as off the wall as that sounds, as a cancer, I'm not sure how to continue to field someone who's driven by the thrill of the chase! oohhhh fate thou art cruel.

When it feels good to be me..

2010-03-03T13:04:00.000-08:00

That's when I'll know.

When it feels good to be me, whomever that may be..When I like the shape of my body, love the sound of my voice.. When I love the texture of my hair, the color of my skin. When I feel comfortable being alone.. When I see myself letting go of fear, discontentment, lack, and doubt.. When I laugh at the thought of censoring myself for the sake of anyone else.. When I can proudly say my name.. When I am eager to share my thoughts.. When I release preoccupation with opinons.. When I can take you to my favorite places.. When I can read you my favorite books.. When I can tell you about my dreams.. and where I'm going, and where I've been.. When I can sing you my own songs.. When I can accept a loss.. When I'm not consumed with being 'enough'.. When I see they're moving on and know I'm doing the same.. When I feel its okay to cry, When I learn from the pain as well as the joy.. When I can do it all by myself...

That's when I'll know I'm ready for you.
xoxo

Letter to Puberty.

2010-02-28T10:08:00.001-08:00

Dear Puberty,

I'm a h u g e fan of your work in guys; you know, the deep voices, the
increase in testosterone, the muscles-- all of it. But I've noticed lately something you've been neglecting....height. What happened to this "growth spurt" guys get? I find myself being obscenely taller than some guys, and its become bad enough where we need to address it. Please get your shit together and work on my absolute favorite part of your work-- tall guys. Thanks so much, I look forward to your reply.

--T
p.s. I understand this trend of manscaping isn't your idea either, but if you could let guys know that I don't want to sleep with a woman otherwise I would, and it's alright to keep some hair that'd be great.

i may be using you...ooops.

2010-02-26T08:14:00.000-08:00

welll, Cowboy's been since cut, and although he's been trying hasn't been lat back into the folds [[oh taht was dirty]]. Ginger has been stepping up to the seduction plate and laying it on strong. I've informed him several times over that it's Lent so there will be no sex in the champagne room.

But I've been encouraging the Ginger, Sexter and flirting because since I cannot have sex now I want my options to be a plenty when this curse is lifted. Sooooo, if you're a guy I've started flirting heavily with lately....I may be using you at some point. thanks!

Also, last night I had a little chit chat with a girl who's also had sex with Ace...OH FUCK ME! I never posted that post on Ace and I's rendezvous! I will do that presently.....done! Here's the post on that! But she agreed that sex with Ace was a blast and we drunkenly exchanged memories and it just reaffirmed that when Ace is down, its going down.

Have we shaken him?

2010-02-19T12:27:00.000-08:00

I told Cowboy that this relationshit stuff wasn't going to fly anymore and that I didn't think us continuing to see each other [[translation: touch bodies]] would be the best idea. He took it pretty well, only asking what he did wrong. I couldn't exactly tell him really what was wrong because: a)I was not in the mood to listen to him try to explain his way out of it and b) I didn't want to ruin that romance and shit that he does for the next girl.

We've had little to no contact from him since, so I'm thinking our little swimfan fear was a bit out there haha. Now there's a Ginger at school who thinks he's going to bed me, but little does he know: a) I don't sleep with ginger kids, b) it's Lent so I've given up sex again-- it only gets me in trouble it seems!, and c) there's even less of a Spark with him than there was with Cowboy.

There's added problem there because it seems some people have made it their mission to get the two of us in bed together-- uhm, TIMES OUT PAUSE. Since when do we plot to bed people when we're not in the involved party? NO. THANK. YOU.

It all makes me wonder....is it the relationshit that's scaring me off, or is it the boys? I'm going to say, at this moment in time, it's the guys scaring me off-- if there was a guy I was genuinely interested in and The Spark is there, hell yes I'll commit.

uh oh, we may have out it down too well.

2010-02-15T19:52:00.001-08:00

wellllll, i thot this may have been coming, but i didn't think it would go down this way. the other day when i was having sex with Cowboy, the words "i think i'm falling for you" slipped out of his mouth....okay they didn't slip, they came barging out and smacked me in the back of the head. so i did what any able bodied girl in my position would've done....i faked a leg cramp, got dressed, patted him on the shoulder, said "see you later" and b o u n c e d. mean, i know, but i panicked! what was i supposed to do?! i've known him two weeks-- and that's being generous.

well he's trying to woo me via text message later that day and i wasdirrty texting a friend from high school. here's me and hujoe, one of my gays, recapping txts from the friend, who we'll call Sexter:

me: Hujoe.
me: I've done two bad things.
hujoe: lol like what?
me: Bad thing 1:
me: Had sex with cowboy and when he said "I think I'm falling for you" I fled and went on to do bad thing #2
me: Bad thing 2:
me: Flirtexting and exchanging naughty texts and pictures with sexter from high school
me: I'm sooo not the relationshit type
hujoe: oh hun
hujoe: thats not good karma
hujoe: now im always all for getting what you want...but dont do it at the expense of someone elses heart
hujoe: because if you turn the tables youd be crushed
me: Hahaha girl I told him from the start I'm not the relationshoti type!
me: Shit*
hujoe: hahahaha
hujoe: but you have to enforce that all of the time!
hujoe: cuz his heart isnt gunna remember that shit
me: .......so no more sex?
hujoe: no not with him
me: I can totally do that.
hujoe: unless you both can come to a consensus that its just plain fucking no strings attached
me: Mmkay.
me: But whhhhyyyyyyyyy
me: did he hafta get attatched?!
me: I feel like a doucher, but I'm not guilty
me: But I'm not feeling guilty*
hujoe: because if he falls in love with you....then youre gunna have one messy situation
------------------------ 6:50 pm ------------------------
hujoe: thats because u dont honestly care about him
me: ....true.
hujoe: just becareful
hujoe: because that can really hurt somebody
me: I know I know
me: I better tell him outright so we can start talking
hujoe: yeah
me: About him and I not going the full monty committment wise
------------------------ 7:05 pm ------------------------
me: Hujoe.
me: Omfgb.
me: I've missed dirty txts
me: And sexter is a p r o.
hujoe: lmao
hujoe: skype is so much better
hujoe: i prefer a live feed
hujoe: ;)
hujoe: omgfg i got a macbook pro!
me: Oohhh lucky bitch!
me: Hahaha if I had a live feed, that'd be so dangerous!
------------------------ 7:16 pm ------------------------
hujoe: hahaha it is...and i love it
me: ooohh girl
------------------------ 7:22 pm ------------------------
me: I've never let a guy put it in my ass
hujoe: ummmm
hujoe: u wouldnt like it
me: But sexter is making me want to haha
me: I wouldn't? my gay keeps insisting I will
hujoe: for boys its different cuz of the prostate
hujoe: but for girls...that shit would just hurt
hujoe: lol
me: Hahahaha
hujoe: thats cuz hes a boy and has a prostate
hujoe: hahaha
hujoe: u would feel like u had to poop really bad
me: Hahahahhahaha well fuck what's the point?!
hujoe: lmao
me: Dad says hi btw
hujoe: tell him i say hello!
hujoe: there is no point for anal sex if youre a female
hujoe: unless youre into weird shit like that
hujoe: lmao
hujoe: well u can do it with no rubber, u cant get oreggo
hujoe: *preggo
me: hahaha I've heard some girls say its bomby
me: But I've always been like "nahhhh"
------------------------ 7:33 pm ------------------------
hujoe: haha well i guess u cant knock it until u try it....but the first time is never really any fun
me: Well fuck haha
hujoe: hahaha
me: Lemme send you what he sent me
me: - Fwd: Damn that ass looks tasty. Id love to see from behind Mmm
hujoe: omg
hujoe: lol
me: - Fwd: Yes i do. Mmm you dont even have an idea what id do once your bent over ;)
me: - Fwd: Bend you all the way over and finger and tongue that tight ass as i lick your pussy. Then slide my dick in and out of both ;)
me: - Fwd: Mmm i love doing that stuff so thats perfect ;) i want a picture from behind. Possibly with you bent over. Mmm Thatd be so hot
me: - Fwd: Mmm good ;) i bet your asshole is so tight
me: - Fwd: Mmm id love to taste it then be the second guy in there ;)
hujoe: omg
hujoe: u need to stop
hujoe: lol
me: - Fwd: Thats so sexy. Id love to lick it all up. Mmm im hard thinking about
hujoe: lmaooo
hujoe: u guys are too young to be talking like that!
hujoe: im allowed to cuz im old and lonely
hujoe: lol
me: - Fwd: Yes i would. Mmm you should. I wanna tongue that ass so deep
me: Hahahahah girl
me: I love white boys
me: And I wanted to smash on him in high school
me: Aahhhhhhh
hujoe: haahahaha u should have
hujoe: is he packin heat?
me: Oohhh I plan to
me: I'm not sure yet, but once he sends a picture I'll send you a verdict
------------------------ 7:44 pm ------------------------
hujoe: lmao
hujoe: go inn
me: I plan to
me: Haha I've got quite the to do list when I get home
me: Mmmmm
hujoe: oh lordie
hujoe: ur vag is gunna be so sore
me: Hahahha I'll pop some anti inflammitory pills, ice on my down time and push through like a champ

and the lingerie party was a blast, but that's a post for next time ;)

Sweety, I'm only gonna break your heart..

2010-02-15T11:53:00.000-08:00

..would it be evil of me to pursue a relationshit i know is doomed from the start? well its not doomed..thats dramatic. i just know that i don't want anything serious from this guy who wants to.."get serious" with me
[Reese, similar situation WITCH!]

why is it once you finally take a seat on the bench to cool off from all
the stupid love games you've been playing...
just trying to sit this one out..
or maybe just have fun, play the field..
here comes prince wannabe charming!

and why is he always so hell-bent on titles and getting all official and territorial and whatnot.. why can't he just be a good toyfriend and let things ride. and WHY the eff wasn't iiiiii so comfortable just being FWB with MY ex..so i wouldn't be in this situation..!? why did i want the title and the papers and the promises from HIM and why don't i want them from you??

the thing is..if i'm honest with myself, which i'm not, i would say that you ARE a nice guy and you would probably treat me really well and you probably have a big penis and you'd always answer your phone-- even though i wouldn't call, just the principle..

but if i was even more honest with myself i would also say we are from two different worlds and your kind of intense in a way that scares me and you already expect a lot of me and i know you're being real open right now..but there's a good chance i'm still hung up on someone else--

so im not really interested in your sweet-nothings.. and thats why i feel its best i keep it strictly business (puff, pass) when we chill and why i break at the 1st sign of emotion..because, all i can see are D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R red flags and my potential to leave you dumbstruck and shit out of luck..2weeks? 6months? however long down the line when you start expecting more of my heart, and all i'll know is that i'm only gonna break yours..

Well excuse the f*ck outaa me.

2010-02-10T21:49:00.001-08:00

I was just informed that its entirely my fault for not feeling The Spark
with Cowboy-- its because I'm "too picky". I'm the one who's gotta be in
this relationshit with him, so pardon me for thinkingthat meant I
decided when or if anything was happening and on my terms. I'd rather be
intimidating and too picky than otherwise because then I'm weeding out
the weak, the losers and the immature. I'll save myself more trouble
than a little singleness will do.

And I know for a fact I deserve the kind of relationshit I want with the
kind of guy I want. Because I'm worth it. I'm gorgeous, I'm funny, I'm
smart-- a mother fucking catch if you fucking will. So
getthefugouttahere with this too picky horseshit.

Could it be fabricated?

2010-02-10T17:01:00.001-08:00

Miz Berry brought up a valid point some people believe: that The Spark is really just a figment of your imagination. I don't know for certain, all I know is what applies to me-- which at the end of the day is all we really know, what applies to ourselves [[so take all advice with a grain of salt and a splash of tequila]]. The Spark to me is a subconscious, biological signal that this guy and I are compatible. If The Spark is really just a fabrication we go through to fool ourselves, then what does purpose does it serve?

Could the lack of The Spark just mean I'm insecure about going forward with Cowboy and really am just used to "the chase"? So now that someone is upfront about wanting me and a relationshit with me, I don't know what to do so my default setting is to run? I don't think that's the case because I'm willing to give him and this a shot [[provided he tunes down the romance, or I'll vomit in my shoes]] for The Spark to materialize.

I'm certainly not using The Spark as a deal breaker, but if I don't get a rush then what's the point in being in a relationshit? We could just as easily be friends with benefits, so we can both keep an eye out for The Spark. The She-wolf in me doesn't want to be tied down unless there's The Spark or at least a rush, because then it means that it's fun, adventerous and exciting. If it's complacent and dull, then who the hell wants to stay?!

I don't wanna give him mixed signals or use him, but I'm certainly going to tell him that I think we should just be FWB if I think so. If he cares as much as he's spouting he does, then he should be fine with it. I've got the pussy so I make the rules, let's not forget it. PLus I think down the road he'll thank me for it. Or just be really crushed because I'm the woman of his dreams and he's over here thinking we're gonna get married and live happily ever after and I break his heart because I decide he's good enough to sleep with but not to commit to.............Fuck. I really hope its the previous, because I do not want to be known as "The One That Got Away" because I know for damn sure we're not soulmates and I don't need that bad juju.

How to be a Bad Girl..

2010-02-10T14:18:00.000-08:00

(according to Natalie (BGC))
1] Pick a WINNER
2] Give him the Rules
(ex. "When Natalie calls, you answer. If you want me to be good, you have to be good..")
3] If he wants to tie you down, He can wife you up
4] Don't cry over ANY man
5] DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO, regardless
6] Never tell on yourself..And don't get CAUGHT

Ugh, my problems with this.. Number 1, its difficult to find a Winner amidst a sea full of losers. I'm clearly not in the right environment for her SugarDaddy pool of contenders.. (don't even know if i'd want one) but I surely don't want a BOY-- jobless, carless, goal-less, his-own-private-location-to-fck-me-so-I-don't-have-to-be-quiet-less.. Its just not gonna work.

I like the idea of rules upfront. Especially because guys tend to approach every girl as if he wants a Relationshit..even if he just wants to hit. If we start Rule #1 as follows, This is Strictly Physical.. I see a host of avoidable issues erased. I'm not going to worry about who your spending time with (unless you're fucking). I could care less about a Holiday gift or a Valentine's chocolate (gagg) and the only thing i'm expecting is that you stay On-Call for the Booty Call..

Numbers 3, 5, and 6 go hand in hand I think. A bad girl doesn't have some boy with a 100% hold on her dictating what she does with her time. She won't call and check-in if he's emotionally checked out. Don't reward bad behavior with pu$$y...No matter HOW BAD you want it. Because odds are, if he's not with you putting it down..and you've got doubts..he's probably elsewhere and you need to make YOU priority 1 and just...don't get caught ;) (But really, I probably wouldn't cheat I'd just NEXT him and do my thing)

Mostly, a "Bad Girl" is just a smart female who approaches the opposite sex on an even playing field. We think like they do. We play like they do. And we cut it off just as easily, too.

The Spark.

2010-02-10T08:12:00.000-08:00

I've met a guy we'll call Cowboy [[for that whole background mess checkk this AC post]] and it was all fun and games. And I was thinking "Thank you 2010 for sending a decent guy my way!" Until I realized we're not on the same page. He seems hellbent on getting me into a relationshit with his "I'm gonna be your knight in shining armor" and "You're mine" shit. I've calmly and very plainly explained I'm not one for relationshits, and all I got was a "I'll change your mind. I'm not like those other guys". A for effort, but let's be reasonable; he's not even listening to my side of things.

To his credit, he's a fantastic kisser, pretty good in the sack [[or car, AC post]], and he does and says all the things I've always said I wanted in a relationshit. I just don't want the relationshit I guess. He can say the sweetest thing and the dirtiest thing in the same sentence and it's completely natural. I like it, but the problem is I like the dirty tidbit waiting in the wings more than i do the heartfelt crap parading on stage. For example, "baby, you're so gorgeous today, it makes me want to bend you over this table and fuck you stupid. i don't care that there's people they can watch." Can you guess where my interest peaks?

My suspicion is that since The Spark is missing, all this potential isn't being used. I should be getting goosebumps when he kisses me softly and whispers something in my ear. I should feel giddy when I get a text from him. My heart should be skipping a fucking beat when he does the things I've wanted a boyfrenn to do! SOMETHING SHOULD BE HAPPENING! But no. I feel the same way about him saying he's gonna bring me flowers as I do about him telling me his dog died. I'm apathetic. and when he texted me this morning saying he didn't want things to just be sex between us, I froze.

WHAT GIRL DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR THAT SHE MEANS MORE THAN SEX TO A HOT GUY SHE'S INTERESTED IN?! apparently, I'm the only one. I'm not sure if The Spark is gonna be fashionably late, or not appear at all, but I'm worried if I stick around to see, he's gonna be trying to trick the l-word out of me-- that will not work for me. I don't want to string him along, I really don't, but if I'm gonna give him an honest chance knowing I'm already thinking of cutting him loose, how well is this gonna go? I can already feel my inner She-wolf grimacing at the idea of him saying that four letter word, and she's planning on getting us into trouble at the lingerie party this weekend to get us out of it. "No papers, No promises", she's saying. But do I want to run from every decent guy that comes my way, or is he just not it?

I'm ready for you, 2010

2010-01-16T13:35:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 2010! So...this is what I've been waiting for. The New Year when things are supposed to be different in our relationshit. I've given my ultimatum. Too much more of the same and I'm gone. So far, I'd rate the change as 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. Is he calling my bluff? Was I bluffing? I want to have meant it..that I could easily wash my hands of this when I'd had enough. But more than that, I want him to have meant everything he said. "Time doesn't stop, Ma. It can only get better." I guess it wouldn't hurt to give him a little more time..ugh. I mean I've stuck it out this long. (and at least this time I've been putting my LBB to use and keeping my mind occupied)

It's an acquired taste.

2010-01-06T12:16:00.000-08:00

Somehow I always find myself falling for the potential. That's my downfall, I look too much at the big picture, I lose the important details on teh way. 2010 is gonna be different. I'm going to follow my resolution: "only say what you can do". I'm gonna take it all as it comes and deal with it then.

Romance? ehh, not high on my list of priorities like sex is, but I guess I'll deal with it if it comes up-- highly unlikely though, thank goodness. Though I cannot deny The Spark; if it shows up, all I can do is follow it. With sex and sexual relations, I'll have to play it by ear, but of course since I've got the pussy, I'll be making the rules on that.

Dieting? uhhh no. let's be reasonable, what's the root of diet? DIE. I am gonna go hard on my dance and theatre shit though-- that's my hustle and what's gonna become my legacy. I can't be slacking on that!

bring it on 2010-- you're gonna be my bitch. mark these words.

Oh the irony...

2009-12-30T08:54:00.000-08:00

...it never fails to just uppercut you in the mouth. I resign myself to ending the year with my body untouched, and single-- and then Ace waltzed in. Now I met Ace a year ago, roughly, and we hung out once and he left for school and that was literally the last I'd heard from him.

Well, he was in town and we hung out a few times, went to a club or two, made out and smoked out. We finally seal the deal and have sex at the end of the week, and it was GOOD [[of course more on that at A.C.]]. Then afterwards we hung out in bed and joked around, snuggled, fooled around, and had a quickie. But what struck me most was the fact that it was so intimate and tender after, he would look at me like he was seeing the sun for the first time, and he'd stroke my face and just smile at me. And at one point he sat up, looked at me, laughed a little to himself and kissed me on the forehead.

That blew my mind. Here I am riding off the crest of douchers I've encountered and here's a sweet guy who has a fantastic personality and he does this? Of course I did what made sense to do. Forget about it and not think about it until he's gone back to school and I'm alone. Now that I'm thinking about it, I kinda wanna strangle myself because now, like a lifetime movie, I've got a few options:
1] I chase him and it.
2] I forget about it.
3] Forget about it until I see him again and see how it goes from there.

I'm favoring option 2. Even though he is the closest to LOML material I've ever come.

Guidelines for Healing a Broken Heart

2009-12-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

1. Don't text him.

2. Don't text him.

3. Don't text him (or call, e-mail, Facebook, MySpace, or Twitter). EVER.

4. Engulf yourself in music. Whatever music, whatever songs or artists or messages it takes.

5. Write about it. Put it on your blog, confess it in your journal, write a letter (don't send it), text your friends. Get it out.

6. Think about your pain on purpose. Accept the thoughts and emotions; they're going to come whether or not you welcome them. Have your moments... then press on.

7. Don't think about his new bitch.

8. Devise battle plans; you will need them eventually.

9. Embrace the magic and divinity of Time.

10. Cultivate yourself and Life and holism and God.

11. Convert to the religion of verbs: doing, doing, trying, infinitely doing and being and living.

12. Cry. Yell. Be pathetic. Don't let anyone shame you for it.

13. Rely on your friends. And again, be shameless about it. They're supposed to help dig you out of your hole.

14. Have a rebound with words, language, imagery, and imagination/creativity.

15. Learn from it. Suck out every little lesson you can.

16. Forgive.

BONUS CHALLENGE: Separate yourself in love, grace, and goodness; do not consecrate yourself to bitterness, hate, or hostility.

Love Thyself

2009-12-02T22:34:00.000-08:00

At approximately midnight today, I get a text from The Nigerian:

He's seeing someone else.

I lied. I am in love with him. I'm mad as hell, hurt as hell. And I'm through. This is what permanence tastes like: bitterness.

The Days

2009-11-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

It's been over a week since I last spoke with him. It's four days into this Divorce.

I'm starting to feel weak, like I might falter. But I know I won't. It's sad, how "love" can become like an addiction. That's when I question whether or not it was love. I mean, it feels like I'm going through withdrawal symptoms. Anxiety, tension, irritability. It's all there... it's all ridiculous.

It's funny. Now that I'm NOT having relationship, dating, or sex drama... I'm posting in this blog again. It took 18 months of emotional turbulence, a broken hymen, miscommunication, and an STD. And then it took inner chaos and pathetic, floor-bound crying spells. But I'm finally at this point of just really wanting to BREATHE, which also means having the space to breathe and allowing myself that breath and that space.

So many of the women and individuals I admire strong, independent, and self-determining. They own who they are, they own their image and sexuality and how the world perceives them. They dominate; they are not controlled. That is who I want to be. And I'm not saying that falling in love or being in a relationship means that a woman becomes controlled... I'm saying that I become controlled.

Ick!

It's weird. It dawning on me that now I have a freedom, an opening and beginning that I wasn't viewing clearly before. I was afraid to be apart from him for so long, apart from any man. It comes down to that whole "missing out" thing, I guess? But that's not the case. My heart is free. I don't owe anyone anything.

I mentioned to Therese that I really want to reinvent myself. It's a thought I've had since September. That's when it sprouted. Really, it's been there for much longer. I mean, that's partially why I came to New York -- to start a new Life, to expand. Now, I want to push that even further: I want to start a new me, I want to push the boundaries of who I am. I want to be a me without boundaries.

I do not know who this Michelle Jackson 2.0 is, though. I do not know where she lives, what she does, who she knows, what clothes she wears. I mean... it's almost morbid, in thinking about becoming "someone else". It's almost as if who I am now has to die. I don't want that...

Basically, I do not know anything right now. But it's okay. I don't have to. I can just keep pushing, pushing, pushing forward until...

A burst.

Reflection Eternal

2009-11-21T22:35:00.000-08:00

I am alone.

I am alone... and I am scared. People don't seem to understand that -- or perhaps, I don't want them to. In a way, I force myself to believe that no one else can connect or relate to what I'm going through. It doesn't matter, though. All that matters is that I am, in many aspects, ALONE. And I feel alone.

I "divorced"... him? Relationships? Love? Sex? I don't know. I shut it down. And it really hurts. It really sucks. I don't like this feeling. It is weighing me down, and the weight is tearing me apart. It's as if all the hurt and loneliness in the world is sitting heavy on my chest. I've tried to avoid this feeling for as long as possible by hanging on. But shit, what the fuck was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to keep remaining hopeful, to keep making excuses for the situation? I don't think that is a solution. I don't think that is real.

So I decided to make a clean break -- a really messy, tattered, entangled "clean" break. The first night, I was okay with it. I wrote it out, I took the actions, I wiped it out. It felt right; it felt doable and possible and necessary. And now... I'm starting to lose that. It's like being a fucking heroin addict: desperate, dangerous dependency. Every time my phone beeps or buzzes or rings, I want it to be him proving me wrong. It's not.

I refuse to relapse this time. I've been hitting pretty low points recently. Just awful moments where hope seems to be the most foreign, unimaginable, and unreal thing; moments of complete dissolution and impossibility and incapacitation. And in those moments, I just want to reach out, out, out -- out past the people in this city, out past my best friends, out past my family... to someone who will REALLY be my saviour, really rise up to break my fall and reconstruct my pieces back into a whole. And I guess, that person has always been a romantic partner.

But shit, I don't want to be that girl who just hangs on. Pretending and making herself believe. No thank you. I want to do this work. I want to relearn and rediscover what it means to be ME, fully and wholly and magnified ME... without needing anyone else to complete or help or reveal my truth. I don't want any of the excess. And I guess, "he" is an excess.

I get really sad sometimes. And then this other feeling builds up -- the one that doesn't have a name, but it's so real and palpable and pronounced that it manifests as a physical ailment: a tension and tightening and constriction of my whole body. It's killer. It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to dial his number 1,000 times until he picks up and makes everything better.

He will not and cannot make everything better. I AM ME. THIS IS MY LIFE. All of this shit is mine to gather and sift through and assess and discard. Why am I relying on someone else to kiss my boo-boo, dress up my wounds, and heal me back into whatever ideal concept or entity I feel that I should be.

WHY DO I NEED HIM?!

I don't. And I don't want to.

I just want to be happy... with/in myself, with/in my life. I just want to be centered. I just want to be fulfilled. I just want to make sense. I just want to know the infiniteness of all of this. I just want... so much that I can't even put it into word, or thought, or feeling, or anything that has ever been tangibly or physically manifested in this Universe. But I KNOW they are mine. I want peace. I want love, YES. But first...

I want to be alone. I want to love myself. I want to love myself being alone.

I am alone...

"too much trouble.."

2009-10-28T14:12:00.001-07:00

*****VENTING ALERT******
People are mindlessly superficial space cadets.
(No i'm not explaining that little tidbit. It speaks volumes in itself)

On another note, let me just say that its not "too much to ask" for a little wining and dining. It shouldn't be "too much trouble" to know your worth and demand compliance. When you settle for second rate.. you'll be treated as second best. This principle holds no gender and no bias. Its true for all. Guys need praise and finnessing just as we ladies need appreciation and lovin'.

And let it be known, the second you begin to feel like you are overcompensating these privileges (they are not 'rights') to your partner..reel it back in. There is no such thing as "something for nothing". I always say you gotta give to receive. (;

My best interests?

2009-10-23T15:45:00.000-07:00

Some of my friends have taken it upon themselves to decide that I need a date. A guy in our class told one of them he thought I was hot, and wouldn't mind touching my body-- next thing I know I'm being told that I'm going to hook up with him. I understand their point of view: I haven't been on a date in a g e s, and he's a decent guy as opposed to the doucher mcfierce gamut I've been running.

But The Spark isn't there. He's funny, sure. He's cute, sure. He's tall, sure. But that's where it ends. And though I may be a she-wolf I need more than a "good on paper" kind of guy if I'm on the line. I'll give him a chance, if for nothing else, to break the monotony that is my stagnant romantic life.

Halloween is right around the corner, and I'm unbelievably excited. I may have body touching on the menu, it's not set in stone. BUT one thing is, and I'm going to have a B L A S T.

I'll deal with all this later.

Good grief.

2009-10-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

Here's an update on my life in a reader's digest fashion: the schoolgirl crush hasn't gone anywhere, FWB Casanova has been cut, possible seduction happening on halloween, my life is in shambles.

I'll properly post when I get my shit straightened out!

This sounds like a recipe for disaster or great success...

2009-10-02T09:02:00.001-07:00

There's a party Saturday night and we've invited lots of our friends-- I even invited Casanova, SchoolBoy and a guy I hooked up with a while back we'll call PoliSci Guy. Now when I realized what I did I turned to My Gay and asked, "Is this a bad idea?" And he pursed his lips and said to me, "Well, I don't know, there's no guarantee that they'll all even show up. So you should be fine...unless they do, and then what are you going to do?" I looked him in the eye and asked, "Does it make me a whore if I don't see the problem in all this?" He laughed and we went back to getting the house ready.

I already know Casanova's a no show, he left town today, so I should be fine. But if SchoolBoy shows up, I feel like I'd be subconsciously cutting my partying back to not scare him off. FACK. Why does this happen to us? We like a guy and we find ourselves subconsciously changing or adapting to suit him and his. Whenever I catch myself I correct it, but I don't always catch it. Hell, I'm getting whiplash from the conflicting emotions.

For this party however, we've initiated some rules: if you say "Caleb", "birthday", "shots" or "mother fucker" and it's derivatives, you have to drink; everytime the air horn goes off everyone drinks, when the song "Shots" comes on it's time to do shots; etc. We're getting shitfaced no doubt about it, thank God because I'm long overdue for a you-should-be-blacked-out-how-are-you-still-going-Therese?! kinda night. I just hope I don't do something to make the show uncomfortable the last week. The entire cast is coming and I really don't want to do something stupid like cuss out a cast member or hook up with one. Haha so I suppose it's a good thing I'm importing sex, huh?

I'm not 100% how Saturday night is going to boil down, but if it's sexually successful, you can find out on A.C. in full detail. I'll of course give an outline on here of the night, let's hope no one get's alcohol poisoning at t h i s party.

A dream man or a dream of a man?

2009-09-30T09:05:00.001-07:00

I had a weird dream last night and part of it involved a guy who essentially swept me off my feet and when he kissed me I felt it clear down to my toes. I've always wondered at the term "dream man", does this mean the man you've dreamed up or a man that's actually in your dreams?

From what I remember this dream man was at least in part of my "PBM Prerequisites", and in a sense he was someone I didn't notice romantically until he kissed me. Then it became a whole new ball game.

Most girls feel their "dream guy" will materialize at some point and take them on their white horse into the sunset. I'm hoping mine will show up and ravage me on our kitchen floor as we're cooking dinner for our parents. This guy from my dreams could be this guy, except he doesn't really exist-- at least he doesn't as far as I know. IF YOU DO, GET AT ME.

Does this make this guy my dream guy or just the guy of my dreams? Either way, what does it really mean?

1, 2, 3... GO!

2009-09-29T09:42:00.000-07:00

It's been one wild ride. I can tell you that much. And it's days like these... when I'm excited for it to get a whole lot wilder.

I'm in good spirits today. Sound spirits, too, might I add. I'm not fucking up too much in school... with a little focus, I can fix it. I am about to mount my successful short play in New York... as director, too! And I think I may be employed. I'm still a hot mess. Or as I like to call it: CREATIVE CHAOS. Hey, I am just an infinite process/progress. And I'm alright with that.

I was really sad about the whole, "I don't get any play. I'm sexually destitute. I am not in love and nobody wants me!" thing. And then I realized that God -- yes, God -- just wants me to LIVE. No stress, no worries. Just do it. And when it all falls together... I can do "it". You know, the whole sex thing. The whole romance, love, relationship thing. I'm still set on that.

I listened to my roommate and male floormate have a heart-to-heart about sex last night. And basically, I was judged and ostracized because I still believe in the sacredness and intimacy of the whole act. Yes, I am a fan of lust and the sexual revolution. No, that doesn't mean you can just fuck whoever you want, when you want. If I'm going to my dirt... I want to do it with some I love, trust, and respect. And vice versa. I'm holding out on that. NO. MATTER. WHAT.

I don't judge others, though. If you slut it up... or even if you're not a slut, but you have had multiple casual partners... that's cool. I almost envy you in a way. But that's me. If you're sexually open and explorative and risky... I congratulate you! I'm not there. YET. I'm still prim and proper, sugar and spice, and mostly everything nice. Therese says I'm still a virgin really. And I'd agree. I have had my experiences... but I am not "experienced". And in a way, I don't want to be.

Call me crazy... but I want to WAIT. Not until marriage. But definitely until LOVE. Concrete, undeniable, genuine LOVE. All caps... you know I'm serious. So yeah... I'm abstinent again. I earned it. I deserve it. I OWN it. And I'm learning not to give a FUCK what anyone else thinks or does. (Pun intended.) Sex is now literally equated with coming into myself... and making a connection with someone else after. In other words, it's another one of the processes I'm involved in. And it may seem like nothing is happening for a while.

There's no rules. There are examples. There are other people's experiences and opinions and advice. But there are no rules. But for now, I know that I need to just be cool, haha... I don't want to have sex with anyone right now. Of course, I miss it. It's hot. Duh. But there's sooooooo much more to it than that.

And yeah, I won't lie... I am waiting for Mr. Right, even if he's not Mr. Soul Mate. Again, that will all work itself out. So until then...

I run like hell towards everything I want in my life. I can't forget that. I can never forget that.

Is nothing SACRED anymore?

2009-09-27T07:54:00.001-07:00

This is a sad state of affairs, when an attractive sexually alluring young woman cannot get her body touched because her bedmate(s) aren't texting back. Once upon a time, in a land far from here [translation: 3 years ago in California], being FWB was a business agreement with contracts of mutual respect and unspoken rules both parties followed. Like, p r o m p t responses!

I'm frustrated, fLUSTered and rabid as hell. I'm not okay with this. And knowing me, as I do, even when one of these boys do text back, I'll be sure to make h i m wait, thus extending my wait time. Gggrrrrrr. There's no justice! Why can't a guy be dependable? This is why I don't date, I can't trust a guy to be a man of his word-- hell, I'm having trouble finding a m a n in the first place.

Sonofabetch! What kind of guy cock blocks h i m s e l f?! Not to mention Casanova's a man-whore, so why isn't he man-whoring himself to ME?! [background on Casanova is at A.C.]The longer I think about it the more irritated I get, because none of this adds up or makes sense. When I see Casanova again, I'm punching him in the clavicle.

So Sick of Wanking

2009-09-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

Okay.. so, we alllll know that boys are the renowned masters of complaint when it comes to the lack of bed play between them and their female..

I was reading Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and he even spells it out for us ladies that making our man wait longer than 2-3 months for "the cookie" is entirely UNacceptable.

This goes to say that if and when we do leave them without sexual gratification for x amount of time they are in fact warranted to: become angry, detached, bored, and ultimately, unfaithful. In other words, NO SEX is license to WANDER.

Ok, so now let's flip the script to my current predicament. (minus the "dic") I like to think that i'm pretty well-kept, desireable, and with a very healthy sexual appetite. How is it that I am IN a relationship and without physical fulfillment. (as I sit here and 'have it out' with the elements of my situation I feel increasingly alone) I don't know anyone who has this problem..

My man doesn't do me.
Period.

The relationship clock says we've been together about 4 months though we've known eachother for well over a year. He's the perfect gentleman. I cannot begin to describe how formal, proper, and charming our courtship was. It would be one for the modern-romantic storybooks. *GAG*

But the 20 year old virgin is not a sappy romantic. She is a rampant, undersexed volcano on the precipice of eruption. I AM A RAMPANT, UNDERSEXED VOLCANO ON THE PRECIPICE OF ERUPTION! So my boyfriend and I have passed the point of being 'cordial' and 'respectful' and we are past the Steve Harvey timetable.. Except the LADY isn't the one holding out.

So, what am I to do? I really like this boy. I can even see myself loving him though i'm really too fearful to even go there because-- well, i'm just scared shitless of Love. But not to digress from the topic.. I NEED SEX. I want a tantric and intimate connection with him.. I seek ecstacy and mutual pleasure.

I want very very naughty things to go down.

But because i'm a lady, am I not supposed to feel a sense of urgency about all of this? Am I not supposed to grow tired of the wait? Am I not allowed to get impatient? Will I be giving an off-base whoreish impression to my tame and sexually disciplined man by my efforts to bed him before HE is ready? Am I moving too fast? (lets be fair, no the hell i'm Not) But honestly, what would Steve tell me? Be Angry! Be Detached! Wander!

But I want these naughty things to go down with Him and only Him.
(religious readers don't get offended by the prestige I give my man through pronoun capitalization-- Relax)

UGH! I'm really backed against the wall on this one-- and sooo not in the way I yearn to be. A huge part of the dillemma is that my boyfriend and I rarely see each other. When we do, we are on each others' nuts. Heavy on the PDA because well, we have no other choice. I know this isn't an issue of attraction. There's no doubt we are hot for each other. Though, we have talked on several occasions about his philosophy of 'time'. He says he would rather know me slowly and for a long time, than fast and short-lived. I get that. I can appreciate that. But FUCK THAT.

We talk about sex. We are very candid. I ask him what he's waiting for. He just flips the question. So I wonder if the ball is in MY court. Is he waiting for ME to propel the motion forward? Its likely. But its uneccesary. Especially due to my lack of experience on the subject. I would much rather he take me and have his way with me than wait around like i'm some sort of virgin-bride to be delecately deflowered.

This is far beyond that. Carnal cravings are boiling inside of me. I don't understand it. I cannot control it. (and I don't want to, fuck that, I shouldn't have to) I do not wish to suppress this.. I've been doing that all my life. I want to EXpress it openly and outwardly and SOON. Its an itch that only He can scratch and its beginning to annoy me the way he knows this and still holds out. He's got this leverage over me. He's like some sort of twisted mastermind who has flipped the powers of the chonch to his will.

I crave Him. I thirst for Him. I need to feel Him.

Wanking? Its so not an option anymore. I'm wanking like a madwoman and its like I'm no longer satisfied by it. My mind is made up. No, my body has made up my mind and its not accepting alternative measures. This is a hunger for the flesh and I need my man to feed this urge before i'm overcome by it so much that I cannot function in LIFE.

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ANY SUGGESTIONS!?

Another distraction?

2009-09-25T19:33:00.001-07:00

Lately I've been scrounging through more ideas to sabotage my crush on SchoolBoy, and wouldn't you know it? I meet another boy! Oh finally Fate is dealing me cards I can play gladly! We'll call him Debate Boy, because when we met today we debated about just about everything and it was fun, engaging and flirtatious. He's exactly the respite I'm searching for; slightly arrogant, collected, intelligent and charming.

I'm not sure if he'll be anything sexual, check A.C. for updates on that aspect, but as of now, he certainly kept me occupied with thoughts of things other than SchoolBoy.

Call me a "Coward".

2009-09-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

This crush I had/have brewing for the SchoolBoy [mentioned briefly in the previous post], caused me to act irrationally. To attempt to circumvent this growing affection, I slept with another guy. Yeah, not my sanest moment, but a woman in desperation will do what she's got to do!

I'm not the relationshit type, I played in the Little League of Dating but I don't feel the need to go Pro. As selfish as it may sound, I like being single because the pressure is less, and I can cater to myself, like it should be.

I've always hated when girls go from relationshit to relationshittier in the blink of an eye, or when they sa shit like "I've found my Better Half <333". It makes me sick. So to avoid that scene completely I've sabotaged my abstinence so I'll focus on that instead of how endearing SchoolBoy may be.

For those interested in what happened at the party, hit up A.C., and get all caught up.

A crush or a curse?

2009-09-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

I have feelings for a boy again, and before you call me any names can I just say that I’ve known this kid for a year and some change. I’ve always had a bit of a flirtationship with him, but I’ve never thought of him as anything but a pleasant guy who’s kinda cute. He’s not my type: quiet, shy, really smart and a straight edge. But there’s something about him that’s engaging and intriguing and funny. He makes me smile and his smile is so sweet.

Maybe I miss the sweet type of guys? You think that’s what’s causing this sudden influx of emotions for a boy I never gave a second glance? Ugh, it’s my old adage coming back to hit me in the mouth, “it shouldn’t be love at first sight, but love at second glance.” Fuck.

A shortage of men.

2009-08-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

In this day and age of being able to find anyone in the world, why is it there is a definite shortage of men? Statistically for every 100 women there are 106 men, so where have all they gone? Is it that the men are simply sitting back waiting for the women to find them? What the hell happened to chivalry?

If you ask some guys (notice I say "guys" not "men"), they'll tell you the rise of feminism (the longest four-letter word in a guy's vocabulary) is what cut the world of romance to shreds. Gone are the days of a man and woman marrying and her staying home and tending to her husband's needs before her own. Gone too are the days of a woman deferring to her husband everything, including her right to provide for her children.

I say, guys have just grown lazy. In today's society women are accomplishing more than ever before, and guys have decided to make themselves "one step ahead" by making themselves just another thing for women to accomplish. Well, screw you guys. I don't need you or your nonsense.

Marriage? I'll marry myself or one of my gays before I "settle". Kids? Hell, I'll turkey baster that shit. Sex? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, please, I can take care of myself better than you can, any day of the week. Protection? I pity the fool who decides he wants to get crunk on me, he's got another thing coming to him.

Guys have little to no necessity in our lives, so why do so many put so much in their stock? When did we decide that we were going to regress?

=)

2009-08-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

I got my wish.

I didn't get three whole hours in his bed. But I got about 20 minutes of hot, raw passion (so cliche, I know!)... and then we cuddled afterwards. He even fell asleep with his arms around me. If he were my boyfriend, it would've been one of those Hallmark images of love that wind up on 16 year old girls' MySpace pages under "Who I'd Like to Meet": "A gUii dat wiLL hOLd mEE lyKkE diiZ." Instead, it was a nice moment with someone that I have a lot of history with.

Sex is never the way it's portrayed on TV and movies. Well, I guess it depends on what kind of TV/movies you're watching... For the sake of this entry, we're excluding porn. Anyways. I always, always thought it was going to be this saccharin, flowery experience in perpetual soft-focus: giggles, whispers, tender, staring into each other's eyes, etc. It's really not like that at all. It's invasive, raw, vivid, and a little animalistic. And it's really fun. They don't tell you that it'll be fun.

Ask me two years ago if I'd be this woman, have these views on sex and men and relationships... and I would've scoffed. Literally. The only time anyone ever "scoffs" is in fiction. I've never really seen or heard someone scoff in real life. But alas, I would've scoffed! "Ew, no!" But that's the difference between maturity and having more realistic views on sexuality and relationships. And yeah... I have matured and I have gained insight. And no, I don't feel like a brazen hussy.

I hope one day, I will have that romantic, saccharin experience... but I hope it won't be flowery or in soft focus. I hope it'll still be raw and vivid and fun. I hope I'll fall madly in love with someone who's madly in love with me... and will want to do all those gallant, charming boyfriend things. Or even those small, ordinary boyfriend things. But I just hope it'll still feel as real and exciting and comfortable and in-the-moment as the past year and some change has made me feel. I don't want to lose that spark, that fire! Even when I was hurt and pissed off and frustrated, it was still happening -- it wasn't passive.

Has coming into myself as a sexual being what I expected it to be? No. Was falling in love (sort of) everything I always imagined it'd be like? Hell no. Was he the Man of my Dreams? Not after the delusions wore off. But there is something I've gained from this experience, this relationship, this person that has been so valuable and affirming in a way. And I'm so thankful for this experiment and crash course in Love 101: Introduction to Men, Dating, Relationships, and Sex. But now I'm ready for the advanced studies...

I need s-e-x!

2009-08-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

I'm rabid.

For the first time in my life, I'm horny and rabid. Fantasizing, masturbating, ignoring -- none of it will work. I need a good two (or three) hours with him -- no cell phone, TV, or conversation. Just lust and bodies and sweat. I never ever thought I'd say this. Let alone, I never thought I'd say it on the Internet for everyone and their mother (including my mother!) to read... but here I am.

Last week, it was my period. This week, it was my faulty immune system. I swear to God -- yes, I do! Don't talk to me about sacrilegious! -- if I don't have some MAJOR play by this time in two weeks, I'm going to hurt someone or something. Or lots of someones or somethings. Don't test me!

Almost 20 years of of being shy and kosher and coy about sex... and it's all imploding on me as the only thing I can think about nowadays is his hands all over me and me doing things that would make my parents VERY uncomfortable to see. And I don't care one bit. I mean, I hope I'm not turning into some loosey-goosey slut. But at the same time, I've been a very good girl for a very long time. And I think God owes me.

And don't you even come at me with "God does not sanctify lust and ho-ish activities". God wants everyone to be happy, okay? And having sex with him would make me VERY VERY VERY happy. I've put in love, time, effort, and frustration for the past 15 months with this guy. I love him to death. I hope he'll be in my Life forever... whether we're friends, lovers, soul mates, or bed buddies (maybe all four rolled into one?) I DESERVE one night in his bed, making him regret all the time he wasted trying to be a gentleman.

Save the gentlemanliness for the New York boys. I know this West Coast game now. All I want is a good ol' carnal tournament before I brave a VERY cold winter... and I'm not just talking about the weather.

When in doubt

2009-07-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

"When in doubt, shut him out."
That's a lovely tidbit of homespun wisdom my Marine father bestowed on me. If I'm even wavering in my belief of a guy's affection for me, or if I ever question his loyalty-- cut him off.

I understand this, especially coming from his old days. Make a guy miss your attentions, affections and most of all you. Don't make it easy for him. Blah blah blah.

Why is there no advice to be handed from previous generations on what to do when you're so rabid, you're afraid to wank again because it'll launch you into nympho stats?

Now a bit of a science lesson.

2009-07-13T10:08:00.000-07:00

Hey boys and girls, today we're going to learn about what I like to call "location-based infatuations"! These infatuations usually occur when you're with the same group for extended periods of time (i.e. retreats, classes, play rehearsals), and you find yourself unwittingly attracted to a guy there. Now this guy may or may not be your regular type, but you find yourself increasingly attracted to him over the time together. But once you're done with the group, and you see him again most times you're over it or you wonder why you were arse over tits for him.

And this is why! On a subconcious, biologically written level of your genetics, you're programmed to find a mate out of your "selection". When your "selection" is hypothetically lowered, you look for compatibility in what you do have "on hand". Which is why you may find yourself to someone outside your normal parameters, but he's biologically more compatible than others in the "selection".

Which in my case explains why I started to be drawn to a 16 year old, Chelle has jokingly nicknamed "YoungBallz", and we haven't had sex (don't worry that violates The Rules, for more on The Rules, check A.C.), but I'd be lying if I wasn't willing to break that rule for him. This is because of the compatibility your subconcious is looking for. Nevermind logic or having a say in the matter, I was sideswept and, I can't lie, I didn't mind it much.

Haha at least in my research I've discovered that this biological tick doesn't just affect women, it snags men--and in my case boys (yes I'm laughing at myself)-- as well. Just be careful, you'll never know if this level of compatibility c a n transfer over into the real world, or if it's better left to the "field of origin". Just use your best judgement and for goodness sake, GET TO KNOW SOMEONE BEFORE YOU GET NAKED TOGETHER.

Epiphanies-R-Us!

2009-07-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have my closure. I have a happy ending -- if not THE happy ending I was hoping for. I know I will be all right.

This whole time, I've been thinking that my heart has a defined capacity for love. I can only love someone if they meet certain requirements, under specific conditions, and only if there's enough room. That's not LOVE (notice the difference between all caps and all lowercase). LOVE is infinite, unconditional, divine; it cannot be governed unless it is governed by goodness.

I love him. I love him dearly. But he was never "The One". I have made peace with that. I have made peace with the fact that sometimes you love people that may not love you back the same way. It doesn't mean they're wrong for not appreciating the love you give them, it doesn't mean you're wrong for giving them love they may or may not deserve. LOVE is selfless. To give it is to be good. It is to share. I'll never be the type of person that can withhold love. I don't believe in it. I believe in forgiveness, I believe in second and third and fourth chances -- in believing in the goodness in a person, no matter what kind of shit they've done. And I believe that sometimes, you just need to be there for people.

I'll always be that girl. I've been that girl since I was a tiny child -- even at four years old, I was taking care of and providing for my friends. I think it balances out all the shitty things I can do sometime.

But in saying all this, I have learned how to protect myself and my heart. When it comes to romantic love, you can't give yourself up too easily. When it comes to your heart, you want to make sure that it doesn't get broken. Not because it's not resilient and won't heal -- but because that shit hurts like hell! That's like, jumping from a second story window just because you know you won't die.

Not. Very. Intelligent. Duh.

I let him know how much I absolutely love and adore him and how much the past year impacted me. I told him I would love nothing more than to be in his life forever and ever -- a good friend if he decided that he needed me. And I let him know what a good person he is. Because he is. I shared with him. I LOVE him. And now, I surrender. What happens, happens. If we build a great friendship, that'd be AWESOME. If I move to New York and we lose touch... that would suck, but I still got what good times and lessons learned that I did.

And now, I give up and give in. I'm not swearing off men or dating or relationships for any indefinite amount of time. I don't want to be adverse or unavailable to falling in LOVE. I just don't want to seek it to willfully. I don't want to create it out of nothing. I want to discover it by happy fate and let it discover me. I will to fall into LOVE as it falls into place in my Life. I want to LOVE myself, my Life, my journey as much as I can before I love anyone else in that way.

So I surrender. I've been surrendering. I've been arriving at this destination for a while. But I'm finally here. I'm finally free. I've finally made my peace with everything. One day, it will all be mine. I'll know a love for someone -- THE love for THE someone -- that'll just... well, there will be no words. But first, I want to feel that for MYSELF. For MY LIFE.

Hmm... It's a new story, a new journey, a new light shining. A new beginning that I've got. And I LOVE it.

The End.

Oh wow.

2009-07-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

This is clarity. I've let go and let God, and lo and behold I'm over Hands McCoy and his charms. I wish him the best, but I've got to do me. I've decided to post the little fortune cookie sound bites that helped me when times got hard:

>> "And just like that I don't need you quite so much. Just like that I don't crave your touch. As startling that is to you, imagine how shocking that is to me."

>> "Forget the cute habits he used to do: the way he'd lick his lips before he'd kiss you, how you fell asleep with him over the phone, the way you smiled when you heard his ringtone. Forget it all, he's now the past; he's not the first and he won't be the last."

>> "Getting back together with someone is a difficult decision that only you can make. So before you bite the bullet take a moment to consider this: this is the same guy, who not too long ago, looked you right in the eyes, took into account all the emotions you had for him, thought of everything you had to offer him, and all the love you would've given him-- and told you he was no longer in need of your company."

>> "Do you want to give him the power to crush you again? No."

>> "Love shouldn't be about who's got the upper hand, or the most power. Love should be about love."

>> "No one has control over the way you feel but you, if someone messes with your emotions, they've got to go. You make the rules for your life."

Here's hoping that this new flirtationship I've gotten myself into with YoungBallz [[see A.C.]] will reach a conclusion that doesn't involve prison.

Namaste, motherfucker!

2009-06-19T01:06:00.000-07:00

(Before I officially head into this blog post, I'd like to acknowledge how phenomenal my two [active] blog mates are. Sabrey and Therese, I love you more than life. Transcendent, enlightened, willful, powerful, beautiful, visionary women! I'm happy to be stuck in R(HELL)ationshit County with you, haha!)

I am learning to surrender. And I am learning to let him go. Can I repeat that? LET HIM GO?! Slowly, for effect and emphasis?

I. LET. HIM. GO. Hallelujah! Amen!

It's an active process. Therese has to check me every once in a while. And yes, he's still around. I'm not weak or flighty. It's just that we work together. I have to see him on an everyday basis in a professional setting, so I can't just be like, "Adios, motherfucker!" But I can be polite... and distant. Distant as in I'm-moving-to-New-York-in-two-months-so-from-now-on-I'm-3000-miles-away distant. What?! I can't hear you as you're right in my face in the bakery! Why?! Because I'm 3,000 miles away in mind, spirit, and being!

I wanted to end it by being really close friends, if not best friends. But shit... I can't do it. I am saying no. And I'll keep on saying no, even if it's new to me. Even if it's uncomfortable and I might regret it. No regrets. Faith in God, surrender to Spirit and Life. And I am free!

He nearly got me, too. Sent me some left-field text message. I had less than a 24-hour period of grandeur imaginings of his "true" feelings. (I still believe they're true; nigga will regret letting me go.) But then I realized how annoyed and frustrated I get with him. "Love is..." not that. I doubt when you meet your soulmate, they put you at the risk of hypertension. I can feel the veins in my neck popping out. I'm still somewhere between ripping him to shreds and ripping all his clothes off. I settle for neither. It's taken me this long to realize that I like my IDEAS of him more than I actually like him. And oh, of course I like(d) him. Love, even? And we had some GREAT times together.

But Jesus, I shouldn't have to tell myself "Namaste..." when he walks out of a room. Yes, that's how frustrated he gets me. So frustrated, I still have to blog about it. And I don't mind. I may sound like an incessant, obsessive, bipolar, dumb, guy-crazy bitch. Whatever. I own mine. But the truth is: I'm just not that into him... as much as I thought I was. I still get that feeling a few times a day. You know, that mournful, heart-fractured, woe-is-me feeling. Mostly when I see couples or am horny or whatever... but then I move past it. I can still eat, shit, breathe, talk, laugh, live, love without him. I'm okay.

I'll never make it as easy for another man as I made it for him. Ever. Again. But I don't give up, lose faith. I know my man is out there somewhere. As fine, funny, wealthy, intelligent, and talented as he wanna be! Sophisticated, spiritual, good. And all mine. And I know this present shit will work itself out, mend, and resolve. I need not do anything but smile, wink, keep going, and do my thing. There will be moments, hours, days where I might hurt. And then I'll move past it. Just like I did today. In the midst, everything feels so final and impending and larger than life. Well, nothing is larger than LIFE. And nothing is final... except for the fact that I respect and value myself so much more than to ever let myself do what I did for him.

I'm sorry that I hurt his feelings. And I'm sorry that I flip-flop and/or seem to villainize him. I'm not a victim. He's not the enemy. But he brings MASS confusion into my life; he's toxic -- a motherfuckin' problem. And that's real talk. He's not a bad person. He's actually a really good person... who sucks at being what I need/want him to be: a good friend, a good boyfriend, a good communicator, a good, permanent influence in my Life. I made some mistakes. I atone for them now. And I give up.

NAMASTE. Amen!

Adios, motherfucker!

P.S. I apologize for the many "motherfuckers" in this post... kinda. It's 1:30 a.m. What do you expect from me?!

How much of life is spent W A I T I N G

2009-06-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

More specifically, exactly how much of my life will I spend waiting on men. Men, boys, guys, dudes, players, sweet-talkers, users, abusers, bullshitters, cheaters, etc... See how the list kind of goes downhill as it expands. Why is that? And why is it that the longer you wait on your "guy" of the moment.. he begins to take shape as one of the latter man-labels.

We wait in line at stores, movies, amusement parks, schools, banks, EVERYWHERE!! I shouldn't have to wait in line for each and every guy who pursues me and then decides he wants to change things up (or worse, wander off). At first, its fun and exhilerating waiting for that first phone call.. Now we have to wait for that first text, and as if thats not enough we find ourselves going mad BETWEEN texts because somehow his *instant-response-mechanism* has some sort of glitch and it now takes a minimum 30mins maximum WEEK at a time to respond...

Meanwhile, we have our men-in-waiting. The guys that are actively pursuing us but just dont get us going quite like that guy that has us waiting in line.. Sure I could go and explore that option and see where it leads me but HEAVEN FORBID I lose my spot in line for Mr.Wonderful! I mean, what if I get so bored from all the waiting and lonesome from all the wanting and agree to go out with Mr. Man-in-waiting and Mr.Wonderful calls!! Finally ready to acknowledge me as the lady in the FRONT of the line.. and i'm off covorting with his stand-in. No, I can't have that..

So... I'll continue to wait for the calls.. wait for the texts.. wait for the not-so-instant Instant Messages.. wait for him to not be so busy with work, school, and home.. wait for him to chill with his boys.. wait for him to get his heart broken.. wait for him to be "ready to commit".. wait for him to grow up..

With every moment they keep us waiting they're breaking us down. It starts to eat away at our self-esteem and we begin to feel like we should be waiting. Next-in-line becomes less far-fetched and we stop believing we deserve more. In the beginning we're RED HOT and in disbelief he could be so disconnected. We wash our hands of them time and time again. But then the waiting takes its toll and our minds start to make excuses for them (maybe he's busy.. maybe he's going through a tough time.. maybe..) and just when we've convinced ourselves he's NOT a neglectful tool-- HE REAPPEARS! Out from the darkness.

And now we've got his full attention. And now we're in the front of the line. And now we feel vindicated for wasting so much of ourselves in the waiting. And now we've got our man of the moment. We welcome him back with open arms. Nevermind the wait, i'm so glad you've called! We're eager and emotional and receptive. He's back in where he left off there's no waiting period for him (doghouse? WHATS THAT!) Oh but its just as short lived as the last go round. Spectacular and fleeting. We are both satisfied and unfulfilled. Because all we can think of is the next time we will be together like this, and he's already got us back on the wait-list..

And before I know it, here I am again...
"Waiting, and fading, and floating away" from where I want to be
...with you

Well call me a witch and burn me at the stake...

2009-06-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

Turns out he did go and find himself a new lady friend. I log into facebook last night and am greeted by this little gem: "Hands McCoy went from "single" to "in a relationship"." Wow. I'm not angry at him for the new girlfriend, heavens no, I'm glad if she makes him happy. What I'm upset about is how I had to find out!

Jeez, six months and I don't get a heads up? No. I don't hear from him for a week and then TA-fucking-DA! Hm, he better grow up if he wants to keep this girlfriend around.

I went to bed a little frustrated but I woke up feeling fantastic. I've made my peace, I'd like to be friends with him, but there's no way I could possibly to this to myself again. In a few days I'm headed to the Mecca of half naked hot guys-- HAWAII!

Breaking my own heart.

2009-06-09T21:47:00.000-07:00

It just doesn't get any easier. No matter what vague advice or psuedo-fortune cookie like bullshit I feed myself. I can blame timing, hormones, and fucking Nicholas Sparks for all I want, but it won't change the fact that I'm hurt.

I'm hurting. I'm breaking my own heart. I'm a million and a half things, all just boiling over under the air tight lid of my facade. But in truth, I'm crushed. I don't know how long this will hurt-- there's never been a formula for it. And it certainly doesn't help that the guy, who stomped on my heart, wasn't even a boyfriend when he did it.

No, I'm practically obliterated over someone who I wasn't important enough to to get him to commit. That's a stupid mistake on my part, and I'll accept my part of the blame there. I'm a fool who hoped that this...this, whatever "this" is, would be something to change my life. And for a time it was.

He changed my outlook, my self esteem and my aversion to intimacy. I won't hold it against him-- my good riddance list for him isn't a great thing any how. I'd like to look back fondly, and wish him well. Not a single part of me wants to wish him ill, on the contrary, I hope and pray he finds a woman who he cannot live without, a woman who will appreciate everything he has to offer. I hope he and this woman life happily ever after.

He's a fantastic guy. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel feminine, he never allowed me to think less of myself. He is the third love of my life. I believe in "one person for everyone", but I'm a realist. A single person changes, or should change, over the course of their life, so wouldn't it make sense that what their "soulmate" would entail change with them?

I've changed, and for a time he fits in the LOML [Love Of My Life] position. I didn't, don't and probably won't fit into his, but that's not a requirement for it. I loved and gave whole heartedly...I did everything I could do. Everything I would've wanted done for me.

I love you, but I can't keep breaking my own heart. If I ever fit into the LOML position for you, let me know. Who knows, maybe in the future after you've grown, we'll be what each other is looking for. I wish you laughter, love and a long life.

Shoes don't stretch, and men don't change.

2009-06-07T06:37:00.000-07:00

I know he's not going to change, he's practically grown now, and nothing but a huge effort on his part will bring that change about. I'm letting go and letting God; God's got a better idea of what I need right now in my life.

Whether he wants me in his life or not, I'm done making my effort to fit into his life. He can now make the effort to fit into mine, if he wants me so bad. I'm going to be his friend and not let my hopeless romantic heart take me for a free fall any longer.

I'm going to make an effort to channel my unrequited and now cancelled affections into positive things for me. This is the beginning of the rest of my life, so we're going to go full out.

I can do whatever I want like you.

2009-05-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

He's been a fool, I've been a fool. He's immature, and I'm going to be too.

I'm done, I've tried to talk to him, I've attempted to do all kinds of things. Now I'm stooping to his level: I'm going to be undignified. I'm going to pretend he doesn't exist, and on the off chance I ever see him, I'm going to run like hell.

Childish? Yes. Effective? Only time will tell.

Love is a liar.

2009-04-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

Love is excruciating, exciting, encompassing, enraging. Love is a liar. Love isn't happily ever, nor is it roses and ribbons. Love is that sigh he makes before he falls asleep in your arms. Love is a farting contest that ends when someone decides to torch one. Love isn't sappy cards, or candle lit dinners. Love is a war, a battle. Love isn't a goal, it's a journey.

Sometimes I wish I could make love a little more specific, a little less cryptic-- silly me. Love is so many different things, so many different ideas. I love him, I love you, I love my family, my friends, my dog-- so many different types, but all one thing.

Love is love.

We're stronger than we give ourselves credit for...

2009-04-17T00:18:00.001-07:00

I ended it.

I finally took control of a situation -- mustered up the balls, opened my mouth, let down my guard. All of it. I did the one thing I thought I would never be able to do (well, at one point in my life): confront someone honestly and openly. It didn't include dramatics or waterworks or hysterics. No cussing, no tears, no cinematic qualities. It was just me finally being strong.

And this is what it all comes down to: STRENGTH.

I find it incredibly hard to be a strong person deliberately... which is funny, because I'm often told that I am a strong person. But I honestly don't feel like it most of the time. I think I'm moderately strong by default. I come from strong people; it's inherent. My parents have had to go through a lot. My family members have had to go through a lot. I have had to go through a lot. Everyone goes through a lot -- life is a fucking challenge. I've just been blessed enough to come from a foundation that doesn't falter. I was never really given a choice, you know?

But there are certain aspects of my life that I'm very weak in. I used to try to avoid admitting this. No one likes accepting that they have weaknesses. And to voice them out loud? Well, that's just really something we don't like doing. But I am doing it. I'm laying it all out on the line. I'm not going to run from it anymore. I'm not going to hide it behind all the things I do well and pretend like it fixes everything. Instead, I'm going to work on my weaknesses.

And confronting him was one of my first steps. Because for so long, I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I thought I was imprisoned to him, to my feelings. And then I thought, "Okay, maybe I can end it... but I can't tell him why." But the truth is: I am not a hostage to some guy... and I can tell him that. I can tell anyone that actually: you will not make or break me. I'm enough.

I think this is what it all comes down to.

I needed to believe in myself, believe that I AM ENOUGH. I needed to accept that I couldn't change certain things, but I also needed to confront the fact that there are certain things about myself that do need changing -- my ability to take control, to work harder for the things I want, to not rely on others so much. And those are things that I have to do myself. I need this time to be alone now... more than ever. Because I haven't really learned how to be alone. Without wanting anyone else there to validate or catalyze me.

It all boils down to STRENGTH -- the strength of my character, the strength of my footing in the world. That's all that any of us need. And that's what I'm going to do; that's what I'm going to be about.

I wondered why I hadn't replaced him yet.

2009-04-10T08:20:00.001-07:00

Now I know why. My friend decided she was going to intervene and set up a date of sorts with a guy she knows. He started aiming me and at first I was like "Wow, communication! How I've missed thee." When his aiming turned into an interrogation about my sex life and less about me, I raised an eyebrow. Then I turned it back on him, only to find he's bedded 22 girls-- let's dissect that for a sec, he's bedded [[most without a rubber btw]] twenty-two girls in 7 years, wrap your mind around that math.

This is the reason I'm still with Colorado Sunrise, because I'm a little more than a notch in a bedpost. Not because I love him, like him or whatever.

ok I'm lying haha I do love him [[not as I-can't-live-without-you-soulmate love, but more like you've-got-a-place-in-my-life-friend kinda love]], and the fact that he's not a man-whore does help his standing in my favorites list.

Lessons Learned

2009-04-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

1. Nothing ever happens "like in the movies". This is real life, NOT FICTION. Don't delude yourself in the fairytale trap.

2. The advice you get from your best friends, family, and dating books will be utterly useless to you... unless you decide to take it and completely follow through. Otherwise, get comfortable with being confused. None of that shit makes sense. Stay away.

3. Be in control. You set your boundaries. You also control how you will feel about someone. Don't fall into the victim trap.

4. Have a social life. It'll make all the disappointment hurt less. If you're too busy having fun, you won't notice that he hasn't called you in a week.

5. Chivalry is not dead -- let him chase you. Courtship is a must. And yes, you MUST be courted. Feminism did a lot for women; but it fucked up the dating game. Put yourself back in 1914 and let the man do his job.

6. Sex is messy. Just know that. It's not about doing it or not doing it. Just know that whatever you choose (or don't choose) to do, it's going to be difficult. My advice: wait as long as possible before you take it to that level... and talk about it a lot before, during, and after you do.

7. Communication is everything. If you can't be willingly open, honest, and vulnerable -- DON'T GET INVOLVED. If he is not willingly open, honest, and vulnerable -- DON'T GET INVOLVED. Communication is everything in a relationship. And ignoring that will not make things better.

8. Sticking around will not help. If he's not looking for a relationship... he's just not. Hanging around him won't change that. HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. It sucks... but suck it up. Move on to someone who is.

9. Love hurts.

10. Be your own boyfriend. Be set in yourself before you go looking for the love of your life. YOU are the love of your life. Seriously. I'm a firm believer in the fact that it's not love until you can fart and shit with that person in the room. Well, you're always there when you're farting and shitting. So be on great terms with yourself first.

TO BE CONTINUED

it's a heady discovery

2009-04-02T22:15:00.001-07:00

it's a heady discovery when you realize that this is the most you'll ever get from a relationshit [[if we can call it that, rather we'll use Chelle's phrase "whatevership"]].

My Colorado Sunrise and I have The Spark, mutual attraction and compatible personalities, but we have nothing else. I mean, I can try and stretch the truth or delude myself into thinking that this is the awkward stage or it'll get better with time. But in the end I'll know, I'll know I've wasted time, energy and will power trying to create lemonade out of clouds and wind.

Just because I'm ass over tits for him doesn't mean that I'm going to get a happy ending, nor am I going to be loved the way I deserve to be loved.

I know now that I've found exactly what I was looking for at the beginning, someone I had The Spark with to touch my body with no-strings-attached. I was the one who kicked myself in the shin when I decided I was going to fall for him and his potential. shit, I fucked up guys.

Single Lady!

2009-04-02T11:53:00.000-07:00

I'm starting over again. In a way...

I became dependent -- overly dependent. I'm still dependent on him. It's not something that I can just turn off. Flip the switch and WOO! I'm done with it. It's a mental and emotional thing. I've done it before. I don't plan to do it again. But at least now I am admitting to it.

I hate feeling weak. There's a difference between vulnerability and openness... and being weak and accepting the role of the victim. I did the latter. And that's ridiculous. Why? Because in all my whopping 19 years, I never expected to become that kind of girl. You know, the girl that becomes obsessed with the guy she is currently involved with to the point that her very emotional well-being is correlated to her interaction with him. It's making me nauseous just to think about it.

I'm known as fiercely independent -- "the baddest bitch", as one friend likes to put it. But when it comes to me having feeling for a guy, I lose that. And that's kind of sad. I'm sure lots of people do it. They want their relationships to be successful, they care about the other person a lot -- so they invest a lot of themselves into it. However, I'm learning that Life is about BALANCE. And relationships are the biggest part of my life... so that lesson applies to them as well.

I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling obsessive. I don't like feeling... the way I do now. It's really hard to put my finger on it. If I had to, I would say it feels like I'm losing. Myself, my sanity, the game, his affection -- whatever. It doesn't matter. I just hate feeling like I'm not gaining anything, like this isn't building me into a better person.

This comes down to more than my wants or desires, some guy, sex, or whatever. It comes down to me and what I'm doing with my life. I've put so much energy and time and thought into all of this. And it SUCKS!

So I'm... starting over. From scratch. I don't know what this means for he and I. Probably nothing. It's not about him anymore. I don't want my life to be about a guy. I don't need my life to be about a guy.

I just need to be single right now.

I can watch a sunset on my own...

2009-03-31T23:21:00.000-07:00

When we first started talking... God, it was amazing! I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't. Everything about you just made me smile. Your hugs, your smell, your smile, our conversations. Especially our conversations. And the way you would flirt. It felt like I was finally getting what I wanted. It felt like I was finally getting my fairytale romance. You know, the ONE thing I've probably wanted since I was about seven years old.

And then... nothing happened. We kept talking, hugging, smiling, and flirting -- but that's it. I should've ended it then. Like my mother said. Because if you were about something, then you would've been about something from the beginning. You would've been considerate of the fact that I was 19 years old and had never been with anyone before -- I had never even been on a date. You would've tried harder. But instead, you decided to not try at all. And when I called you on it, you said it was because "you wanted me to take charge".

Bullshit.

You've been bullshitting me since the very beginning. Because the truth of the matter is: If you wanted to be with me, you would've by now. I wouldn't be your friend, your favorite, your nothing... I would be your girlfriend. And I'm not. So I need to move on. I do. I keep trying to find reasons to keep you around. But I can't anymore. I have driven myself INSANE for you. I have lied to be with you, cried to be with you, TRIED to be with you. And I'm not.

And I feel like such a fool. And I'm so hurt. And I'm so mad. Because I love you. I really do. Am I in love with you? I don't know. I don't think it matters. What matters is that I've loved you. I've wanted to be YOUR girl this whole time... and I'm still not. And I keep trying to blame people -- my mom, you, God, myself. Because then it'd hurt less. Because I never wanted to hurt like THIS for a guy again. But there's no one to blame. We just didn't work out. And I pray to God that I have the strength and emotional constitution to move on this time. Because I'm not a weak girl. And I'm not down to settle for less.

I want to say that I'll be able to get over you while still being your friend. But I don't think this is one of those cases. And I'm praying that it is. I'm praying that with each day that I wake up, I love a little less of you. But that I'll still be able to smile when I see you and talk to you. But I don't think I will be. And that hurts. It hurts so much. Because I'll still have to see you. I'll have to walk into work everyday and be reminded that you are on the other side... Be reminded of the first time we kissed. Or when you finally told me you liked me. Or when I lost my virginity to you. And that SUCKS.

And I don't think anyone has thought of how much that would suck for me. People either tell me that I should get over you, or I should just wait and see... But they don't realize how either way, it's going to eat me up inside. YOU don't see how it eats me up inside. It sucks that I can't be happy for my best friend... that she's fallen in love for the first time. Because I'm so insanely jealous that it's not me... insanely in love with you. It hurts when I have to keep my ears open at work, to see if you've been honest about your relationship to the other girls. It sucks when I am in your car or at your apartment... and I see remnants left from other girls -- sunglasses, your ex-girlfriend's monogrammed towels, text messages.

Because every time I go through THAT, I get bombarded with all the memories of when we first started... or when I felt like we were really going somewhere... or just plain good memories.

No one understands how much that really FUCKING SUCKS. And how I'm sitting here, bawling my fucking eyes out right now, snot running down my upper lip. And I just wish you would call or text more. I wish you would ask me to hang out... at all. I wish... you would've been the person I thought you were from the beginning. Because then I wouldn't feel pathetic. And I wouldn't feel like a fool. I wouldn't feel like I had just been played.

I wouldn't feel like you broke my fucking heart.

I just wouldn't feel.

"It's different now"

2009-03-30T19:34:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I mean, I know what it means to me-- it means that just sex isn't the only thing that's at stake anymore. It means that this goes beyond physical and chemical attraction. It means that I want more from you, from us. To him, who knows what it means. I just know that nothing seems to be different, and really that's frustrating.

I'm sticking to my guns, I know that I've said that time and time again, but I mean it. I've got the feeling we've got the potential for an out-of-this-world, cosmic level love, but if I keep caving to his games and ridiculous mixed signals, instead of making him work for it then we'll get no where.

When I do all the leg work, etc, then it's almost like I'm rewarding bad behavior, or showing him that no effort is necessary with me and that I'm fine with being a backseat to everything else. NO DAMMIT. I am worth the effort [[and then some]], and it's not like I'm asking to be the most important thing in your life [[so help me, I'd sooner knife you in the groin]]; I'm simply asking to be considered a favorite part of your life, someone you like to spend time with and talk to. That's it. I've got my own shit to deal with, so I'm not asking for some crazy off the wall commitment.

Just commitment, tell me that you're just as into me as I'm into you and show it. That's all I'm asking...we can worry about marriage and all that years down the road haha

Sleeping with the Enemy

2009-03-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Dr. Laura on the radio today and this woman and her husband call in. The wife tells Dr. Laura a bit about her childhood and how unhappy it was. She gives her summarized version of life at home and how she is for the most part happy, loves her children, loves her husband, her job, but still she finds herself on the brink of divorce.

The doc asks how that could be. The lady goes, "Well, I don't know we've been married for eight years and.. .well there's been abuse. In eight years of marriage there have been 4 different occasions. . 4 violent fights.. is that too many?" Dr. Laura tells the woman, "One time is too many. I have a 1 blow, zero tolerance policy." [There's a long silence] Dr. Laura addresses the husband, "John? So you've been beating on your woman?" He tells her yes, its true he has been violent towards his wife on four different occasions but he says he was not the only one who brought arguments to a physical level.

I found it very interesting that this fact shifted Dr. Laura's stance on the issue. She asked the wife if she had hit her husband John on any of these four occasions--to which she admitted yes, she had. She asked the wife if she felt she had been striking her husband in self-defense and the woman very adamantly assured Dr. Laura that she felt her involvement in the fights were always in self-defense. Then came the golden question, "Ok, which one of you throws the FIRST blow?" After a very long silence, the husband and wife say that in their last fight, he had--but in all of the ones before she had initiated violence.

This seemed to kind of piss off Dr. Laura and she asked the woman why she failed to disclose that information in the beginning--why did she lead her to believe that she was a battered housewife.. The woman quickly apologized, saying "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to mislead you." "Your lying," she responded, "you did mean to mislead me--you meant to create this grand image of yourself, and make your husband into a monster. Because if he is the one with the anger problems it keeps you from having to acknowledge your own issues. You are the one with the aggression problems. You felt that the safest place for you to take them out was on your husband. Now you are running from the situation because now he is striking back." [Longer silence]

The woman goes on to say that she knows she has anger problems that stem from her childhood. She says that her husband triggers her anger and she cannot help but to lash out at him--she can't control it. "Yes you can. You can control it," Dr. Laura corrected her, "you don't hit police officers, you've never struck a teacher, you can control it when you want to." She asks the woman to tell her what these 'triggers' are that have caused her to become violent with her loved one. Every example she wanted to give involved her husband, and each was rejected.

Dr. Laura wanted to know a trigger from the root of her aggression and finally the woman told her about her father and how he was very abusive and controlling when she was a child (telling her what she could wear, where she could go, that she could not use the phone, etc.) and how these were 'triggers' for her now as a grown woman. Dr. Laura said, "the abuse is very different, but the 'controlling' that you are upset over was a father controlling his child, now you are a grown woman--married to a man with preferences--" and the woman burst into tears saying that Dr. Laura had misunderstood what she was saying and blah blah blah. ..

But Dr. Laura understood exactly what she was saying. The woman was trying to say that as a child her father controlled her, and beat her--and now she is married to a man that controls her and beats her. "Is that correct? Am I understanding you?" "Yes." "No, that is not true," the Dr. told her, "if that were true you should and would have left. You are demonizing and punishing your husband for your fathers wrongdoings in the past." "So, I should be okayyy with him not letting me talk on the phone?" Dr. Laura then asked the husband to explain his reasoning for this, which was simple enough--that his wife spent the majority of her time on the phone and when he would come home he asked that she not be on the phone. "So, you married a man that PREFERS his woman to spend a little quality time with him without being distracted or preoccupied on the phone. You need to separate your past from your present or else you are going to get the divorce and just end up leaving the next guy for the same daddy issues you are ignoring today..."

Relationships are about balance and equilibrium. We cannot expect to receive from our partner what we are not willing to give them. Relationships are about sacrificing for the sake of making the other person happy--and we do this because we WANT to, because we have chosen this person to be a part of our lives and we are willing to do things we may not like because we WANT to keep them in our lives. (Of course I am talking about reasonable healthy changes like the woman on the radio was not willing to compromise such as her clothing, socializing, etc). I can relate to the 'daddy issues' she had and see how she can unwittingly allow her past to cloud her current relationship. She felt like she needed to defend herself in the way she couldn't when she was a little girl. She felt like she was sleeping with the enemy because her husband's needs made him embody her controlling father, and so, she villainized him. The simple requests of a loving partner became the unreasonable demands of a monster and she needed to strike back and prove she wasn't the weak young person she was in the past. It is very difficult to accept fault in situations like these. It is very easy to place blame on someone else or even to fall back on dark pasts or things of that nature as a means of deflecting responsibility. Dr. Laura was right, the woman CHOSE to act out against her husband. It is not beyond our control to lash out at someone. The comfort of knowing someone will love you no matter what sometimes makes them a prime candidate as the victim of your unresolved rage. Knowing that someone has gained so much of your trust and also knowing how much of your trust has been violated and lost in the past is deathly frightening. So, we test them. We push them--we try to find their triggers, their limits. We constantly feel like they are hiding some demonic 'dark side' that would sneak out one day when we least expect it. We become vulnerable in the way we were when we were violated as children. But it is not the same at all. The vulnerability of a relationship is beautiful. We are making ourselves emotionally available to this other person by CHOICE, because we have chosen to let them into our lives. It is unfair to make them suffer for any and every time you were wronged in the past. It is unreasonable to expect them to love you and be entirely open, trusting, and vulnerable to you if you aren't willing to meet them in the middle. We have to realize that we have the choice of 'holding onto our baggage' or resolving those issues and absorbing as much good into our lives as God will allow us. What sense does it make to always be suspicious or weary of the person we have DECIDED to give our hearts to? If they were really no good for us we wouldn't be with them in the first place. Love is a strength not a weakness. You don't 'fall' you fly. Our loved ones never make us feel pressured, anchored, and held down; they are our anchors, keeping us centered, grounded, and aware of all the good we are receiving. And most importantly--It NEVER hurts. When you describe the person you are with you should have nothing but great things to say. Never make them out to seem like a horrid person if that isn't the reality. If you find yourself doing this, it is probably a good time to check yourself and see what issues you are struggling with separate of them. Am I being too difficult? Am I failing to compromise? Am I not caring for them properly? Am I distant or distracted? Could they be responding to my actions? If its not you--if you are NOT the problem and the answers to all of the above are no, then by all means, YOU'RE RIGHT! You are sleeping with the enemy! You really have chosen an insensitive, evil, controlling, abusive, unmotivated, non-caring, loveless, loser or w/e you wish to call them. And by all means GET OUT of the relationship. But if thats not the case-- check yourself. (;

It's easier now.

2009-03-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if its because I like him less, or I like him more, but it's easier to not want everything from him all at once. I don't know what I mean, but at the same time, I don't know anything haha. I don't make any sense, but it makes sense to me. Does that make sense?

Haha I stopped making sense two months ago, when this whole debacle started. When I signed up for this really-what-is-this-shit-relationshit, I pretty much agreed to feel this insane flurry of emotions all the time. I don't know what to say anymore, and I'm used to it sadly. I'm used to being totally anchored to a cell phone while we dirrty txt, and I'm used to how completely in sync we can be. The Spark is still prevalent, and really I am surprised at it.

When I'm thinking of him and he texts me, it makes me smile. When I text him and he doesn't text back for hours, I get pissed off. I feel completely ass over tits for him at times, others I wanna wring his fucking neck, and other times I am completely apathetic about him, the rest I wonder about what he's up to. This is frustrating, and completely consuming.

When we're together it's easy as breathing, and complicated as brain surgery. I find myself just soaking up what we could be with a title, and I enjoy just having the freedom to ignore him while I'm in his bed and leave when I feel like it. The sex isn't the only thing I'm after, it never really was, though I tried to trick myself.

I adore him and I love what we are and what we aren't; I'm done wanting what we could be. I'm finished with thinking we've got to have a direction. Long story short, I'm thankful for what we have, it keeps me sane, and I'm gonna take this as it comes, wherever it leads. Let's go, we're going on this road trip without a map, and I'm so down for wherever we end up. Just keep making me laugh, and you're set.

And a cameo appearance from...

2009-03-05T18:02:00.000-08:00

daVinci code has resurfaced from the murky deep of who-knows-where, and wants a rendezvous. Naturally my first instinct is to oblige him, but I gave up sex for Lent (see AC for more on this). Not to mention this doucher left me hanging from November. Hm, what to do what to do.....

Plus, Hands McCoy is pushing for some face time, and naughty time. I swore him off for good, so it really doesn't help that he's set his mind to seducing me and getting back in.

shit. why do I insist on having the most difficult time?

It's everything about you.

2009-03-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

There are times when he drives me absolutely crazy, there are times when I'm absolutely ass over tits for him, and then there's the rest of the time where I'm apathetic. This is so tumultuous and I've given up on him! haha and to top it all off, he's lounging completely unawares, most likely, not caring or even noticing how he'll get me in a tizzy.

I've sworn off sex, so in part I've sworn off him, for Lent, but even though body touching isn't on the menu, I find myself wanting a relationshit. Even though wanting it goes against my better judgement. Thankfully, I've got enough will power where this flirtationshit is annoying, but shit it doesn't seem to be waning any despite his mixed signals galore.

FACK. this is why I've given up on dating, not just him. But what angers me the most, is that I continue to do this to myself. I know how annoying, frustrating, exhilarating, confusing, enlightening, endearing he can be, and I want it.

Why do I put up with this nonsense? Because of everything about him, and sadly it happens to be what I want right now. I'm really hoping that I'll come to my senses soon, but as of now I've totally cocked up.

Take it or leave it.

2009-02-25T12:56:00.000-08:00

I've had enough of the at times snarky "so why are you single" (read: what's wrong with you?) comments, so I'm writing what I want from a guy, and what I bring to the table. Hopefully you can put two and two together and realize that I'm not just gonna settle for any old thing.

1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.

2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.

3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.

4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before yiou, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.

5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.

6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.

7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.

8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.

9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.

10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.

11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.

12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.

13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.

14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.

15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.

16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.

17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.

18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.

19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.

20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.

21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.

Goodbye to my Colorado Sunrise

2009-02-23T18:36:00.000-08:00

I've decided it's best to cut my Colorado Sunrise out of my life, and this is my goodbye post to him:

You have been at best, a gentleman and a sweetheart; at worst, a charlatan and a prick. I won't deny that The Spark has been/was/is abound, but at this point your cons are heavily outweighing your pros, and I need to cut back on the amount of shit in my life.

This isn't entirely your fault and I don't want you to think it is. I have made my share of screw ups in this FWB relationshit, and I own up to them all-- unlike you. My first mistake was falling for the potential, as I often do, and then even after you showed how low on the scale you could slink, my next mistake was assuming that it didn't bother me. Of course it bothered me, what was I thinking?

That's just it, I wasn't thinking. When it comes to you, I act first, think later. And that's not the best plan of action, especially when I start to like you again. That was my next mistake. I know what you're capable of, what you've done, what you haven't done and still got emotionally invested. Like a cruel joke being played on me by Fate.

You're my Colorado Sunrise, that's a position you won't lose, but I can't have you in my life this way anymore. Its starting to get too muddled, confused and crazy. I want you in my life, certainly, but right now I've got to reassign you, and haven't found a play yet. I'm trying to take my time with the reassignment because the last time your job description changed [[from PBM (Potential Boyfriend Material) to FWB (Friends With Benefits)]] I kicked myself in the shins really.

You won't fight for me, and for that really I'm thankful, here's hoping I'll stick with my guns and do what's best for me. Letting this Sunrise finally set.

We're past the last straw, now we're onto plastic cutlery

2009-02-23T18:11:00.000-08:00

I have had enough of mixt signals, dropped communication, and bullshit. I'm pulling the plug on this. I had a perfectly working system with my no strings attached fuck buddy, but some thing's gumming up the works. And the whole purpose of me not dating is so I can avoid this whole entrapment mess shit. I'm really done this time.

I really want to stick by the decision this time because I'm frankly tired of this game playing. No orgasm is worth this aggravation, and point blank neither is he. I'm just trying to have some fun, but if this fun comes at this kind of price, no sir.

So as of this point, I have resigned from this fuck buddy relationshit, and am taking a vacation from sex. I have a lot on my plate at this point anyhow, and I don't need something like this swelling and festering into a bigger issue.

So good bye, good night, and good riddance on this whole bit; let's pray I actually can keep it up this time.

Why are you so i n f u r i a t i n g?!

2009-02-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

This is severely frustrating. I cannot believe that you're pulling this again, aren't we past evasiveness and being coy? Honestly when you pulled this stunt back when I really liked you, that was irritating enough, but now when you have been on top of me (as well as other things) you wanna do this again?

NO. I'm not one of those whores you fuck who don't mind if you drop them and pick them up when you're bored and alone. N O. I am a prize, I'm a fucking catch, so why don't you act like it? You're not God's gift to women, not by a long shot, and frankly I'm tired of you being a child.

MAN THE FUCK UP. I don't see why we suddenly have this communication problem, you've shown no problem with your ability to text in the past and so help me I don't see why you're starting this nonsense now.

We aren't exclusive and we're not dating, I'm well aware of that. "No papers, no promises" has been my heralding phrase from the get go, but its common courtesy to send at least a "what's up" to the girl you're sleeping with. I'm trying to be an adult, but I'm tired of being the O N L Y adult here.

I don't date because of nonsense like this, and it really pisses me off that you're bringing this nonsense into my sex life. I like you as a FWB because you fit what I'm looking for right now, and it works. But when you pull this shit, it makes me wonder what your fucking game plan is. Do you want to cockblock yourself? Because God's green earth, you've certainly done it. You know, the first day when you didn't text I wanted to punch you in the face and then have hot angry sex with you, but now? All I want right now is to fucking uppercut you in the fucking groin and as you fall to the ground in pain I wanna drop kick you in the throat.

You better pray when you text me again, I'm in a great fucking mood, otherwise I'm tearing you a new one. And what's funny is if I do rip you a new one you probably won't understand where it's coming from. You'll be sitting there reading my texts saying "what is going on? what did I do?" That's sad that you won't know what you did wrong, so I'll make it simple for you-- IT'S BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THAT I'M FUCKING ANGRY.

Rage. I have so much fucking rage right now, I cannot wait to hear from you so I can give you a piece of my mind. I'm really hoping that this is the last straw for me so I can really wash my hands of you and all your bullshit. But if it's not then you're gonna have to straighten up or get better at taking my frustrations. I've deleted your number, so this one's on you. The ball is in your court and so help me if you don't get on the game soon I'm just gonna tell you plain and simple, "Lose my number, pretend we never met, if you see me, be a pal and don't fucking talk to me. I'm done with you."

I swear, if you try to charm your way back in because you've got a feeling I'm upset, I'll go straight to reaming you, I will not pass go and I will not collect $200. Let's be the adults we're supposed to be, because I'm done babysitting. I like you, I really liked you, and I want you to stay in my life because you're great to be around-- but GAWDDAMMIT you're infuriating. Idk if you think I want a relationshit from you and that's why you're doing the Kansas City Shuffle, but I could never date someone who's okay with forgetting me. I could never get attached to someone who's alright with not talking to me. I don't want to fall for someone who has no problem leaving me hanging. So don't go getting a big head, you're not the only one out there.

Never that.

2009-02-18T08:23:00.001-08:00

I had sex with him. Yes, I lost my virginity to him. And now, I don't even know what that means.

Prior to that, he had been MIA for almost a week. And since Saturday night, I've had VERY limited contact with him -- contact that I had to initiate, by the way. And now I'm scared. Because I did something with him that actually has value to me. As bitter and cynical as I am towards love and dating, I still believe SEX is something you do when you care. Well, it's something that I did because I cared.

The whole time we were doing it, I thought to myself, "I'm okay with this. I'm okay with letting him be my first... because I care about him. I really care about him. And that makes it okay."

But what if it's not okay? What if I made a huge fucking mistake? I keep trying to explain it away in my head: "You know what this means, Michelle. It means he's just not that into you. You'll be fine with it." But I'm not fine with it. I let you shove your fucking penis inside me... for like, half an hour! It was the first penis to ever be shoved inside me! That means something. I'm not okay with that not being validated and acknowledged. So fuck you, royally. And I don't mean literally. I mean, I hope karma comes back and rapes you in the ass.

I rewarded bad behavior with pussy. I don't think this makes me a whore. I don't think this makes me weak. I don't even think this makes me over it. But it makes me think over everything. It makes me want to throw up and scream and cry. It makes me want to throw a tantrum and slap him in the face and ram my Expedition into his fucking Corolla. It makes me really fucking angry.

I'm not an idiot. I knew that having sex with him wouldn't make him love me. I didn't want him to love me. I just don't want to be caught up in this anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of him. As much as I care about him, love him even... Maybe? Yes? As much as I am consecrated to these emotions -- I didn't sign on for this. "I just suck at staying in contact." That's bullshit. It wasn't until recently that you "sucked at staying in contact". The optimist thinks that you care about me, but you're trying to push me away. The realist in me thinks you're just an asshole.

I hate you. I mean it this time. As much as I care about you and would be torn apart if you died... I hate you. You're not a real man. You're a figment of a little boy's hero-worshiping imagination. And I don't have time for fiction, boys, or heroes. I just want a man. I just want you. No titles, no complications, no long-term plans. All I've ever wanted or cared about was YOU. And that's the part you don't get. Being called your girlfriend would be nice. Being thought about and knowing that I'm thought about is even nicer.

Gawd, I hope you have the shittiest fucking day today. I hope you get an STD today... or in a car accident. I hope something shitty happens to you. Because that's how you make me feel sometimes.

So yeah... FUCK YOU.

I want to say that I ain't havin' this...

2009-02-17T10:49:00.000-08:00

but so far no luck. I've said it a million times the past few days, but it bears repeating because I haven't learned anything. "I wish I could choose how to feel, because these emotions aren't cooperating." But I still feel the need to punish myself for how I feel.

So I started liking him again, it's understandable, but I still feel like a failure. I was doing so well for so long with not liking him, but so help me I fell back into old habits like a nun. Shit, I want to wash my hands of this whole thing, but everytime I try, it never ends up happening.

It's got to be that masochistic streak I've got, I want to milk every last bit of misery from every opportunity I get. This is ridiculous, I tell myself "we're done. I'm not giving him a chance to encore the reason he was cut from the PBL in the first place." and what have I done?! I've set myself up again!

I'm worse than a junkie who tells themselves that this time we'll go to rehab and we'll get our shit together, only to go behind the rehab center to suck a dick for a fix. Ok...maybe not haha sorry that came from nowhere. But honestly I don't know what the fuck I've gone and done this time.

My downfall is always potential, that's where I shoot myself in the motherfucking foot. I always fall for what could be instead of just rolling with what's on my plate now. I give myself too freely emotionally because I want to feel secure, safe, what have you. But I screw myself everyway but sunday by doing that, but do I change my wicked ways? Do I change the game plan? Uhhh, NAH.

I'm disappointed in myself, there goes my concept of self control. I should keep in my head that its "no papers, no promises" so there's nothing tying the two of us together . But nooo, T can't seem to keep that shit in perspective when it matters; I'd rather be all business until I accidentally find myself falling for a guy again. Then I'm ass over tits in trouble.

James Baldwin, you had me at "Love..."

2009-02-07T00:34:00.000-08:00

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

I got that tattooed on the left-side of my ribcage on January 8th, 2009. And it sums up everything that I feel about love, men, relationships, and how those all interplay into Life. My mom disagrees. She says love shouldn't be difficult, it shouldn't be work... It should be as easy as two people just fitting together.

Well, then, I've got a confession: He and I, we fit.

No one understands it. I don't even understand it... but it's true. You see, it never works when I try to delete HIM from my life. He's always there -- around every corner. But when I delete all the external noise -- what my friends and family think of him, what I've been told about romantic relationships -- and just let us live in the moment, we fit. It's literally like putting on that perfect pair of jeans. They make your ass look great, hug your curves in all the right places, but are still comfortable enough to wear on Thanksgiving or during your period.

Mmhmm... He's my Fat Girl Jeans Faux-Beau. Are we dating? -Ish... Are we exclusive? Nope. Do I care? Not in this moment. In this moment, I'm still high off of the post-"I got some play at 9:45 a.m." euphoria. (I'm still a virgin... At least, this week.) Do I think he could be a huge mistake in the end? Sometimes. But I'd rather learn that for MYSELF, from MY LIFE EXPERIENCES... than from faceless advice from some dating book or unwanted input from people who aren't me. That's not naivete. And it's not me trying to be rude. It's just the truth.

I can't explain it to anyone. But this is how it goes: we're in each other's lives to teach lessons and to provide a growth process. Any other guy, I would've figured it out by now -- we're over. And then, I just let it die. But this doesn't die. Shit, I wrote an obituary for it almost four months ago, but it's still alive! That says a lot.

All I know is that I love him. In my own twisted little way, I love him. Not on that, "first true love" tip. But on that, "You were the first mile that made my heart break a sweat" tip. And I'm still running this race.

I'll make my own mistakes from here on out, ignite my own infernos, and surrender to my own Chaos. Why the fuck not?!

=]

Well, what's your problem?

2009-02-02T20:39:00.000-08:00

So Hands McCoy and I have obviously been body touching, and I figured I wasn't the only girl who's been in that bed. My suspicions were confirmed when I was over at his apartment Saturday, but much to my delight, I didn't care. So today I was thinking, "Hey I don't want to inadvertently cock block him, so I should suggest we make a system!"

I suggested it to him, and he said "ok" and then never texted me back about it. Is he butt hurt? I mean, we're not exclusive and I'm trying to assist our non exclusivity by setting up a system designed to help each other succeed. WHAT BEEF DOES HE HAVE WITH THAT?! No papers, no promises!! We're not dating and I'm not looking to date a n y o n e, least of all a guy who's wooed half the free world.

Stupid boys. He's either upset that I'm considering other guys besides him, upset that I called him out (when I wasn't, I was stating fact), or he wanted to think he was a pimp and I was just a silly girl who didn't know any better. Silly boy, you can't play me, I have the pussy I make the rules. Someone just didn't let you know, I'm the Alpha boss bitch in this working relationshit, and you're the boy who's lucky enough to get a taste.

He's getting soft on me.

2009-01-30T12:04:00.000-08:00

Uh oh.

There has been some unrest in the land of T, and not only has Hands McCoy been acting out of character, daVinci code has been hovering about my inner circle.

Hands McCoy (for more on him, see A.C.) has been wanting to hang out, and his texts are becoming less dirty and more endearing. I want to hear about you tearing my clothes off and clearing off tables, not that you want to cuddle and it'd make you happy to hang out. You're a FWB (Friend With Benefits), not PBM (Potential Boyfriend Material).

daVinci code has been doing that junior high staring thing, but he's one upped himself. He's started moving seats to be closer to wherever I'm sitting, he's having his friends talk to my friends and he's been talking to friends when I'm talking to them. STRESSFUL. If you want to talk to me, make an effort, we've been over this.

boys, can't we pull our shit together and just man up for once? I'm tired of taking the reins, and dealing with your nonsense. We're not dating so there's no incentive to even consider catering to your ego, and even if I were dating, do you think I'd date you? haha I know how useless and careless you are-- besides, you're not what I'm looking for, I'm looking for a MAN.

Long overdue.

2009-01-22T19:55:00.001-08:00

FINALLY. Tomorrow I'm going to make up for lost time, and I cannot wait. I was chatting with Sara today about sex, and I've really and truly missed it. I'm giving up wanking for a long while because frankly I'm tired of it.

I'll update you all tomorrow (or hopefully Saturday)...

Simultaneous letting up.

2009-01-18T16:00:00.000-08:00

Chelle and I have spent the night emailing and texting about the Nigerian and Hands McCoy. We've discovered that we are givers, who want only to be wanted without confusion. That presents a problem because we are wanting to be wooed by men who are "wooing half the free world". She deserves better than that, and I deserve it as well, but all I want is body touching, so once I get that I'm reviewing his use in my life then he might be cut.

I have a world to take over, so boys will be on the back burner once again.

He's been reassigned.

2009-01-14T07:46:00.000-08:00

So, NYE guy has been reassigned from PBM (potential boyfriend material) to bootycall haha I'm never discouraged completely. And he's a funny charming guy, I'd like for us to be friends for sure....and if we happen to be friends who fuck, so be it! Win-win sitch in my book haha

But on another note, lately I've noticed that waaayy too many attractive, intelligent, wonderful young women are single. WHAT THE HELL GENTLEMEN?! You're fucking up and fucking sluts, get it together.

I'm not even asking you to change your Facebook status.

2009-01-08T07:20:00.000-08:00

I was up late talking to Candice after hanging out with friends and we really talked for a long time about guys and relationshits, and we've noticed a trend. In many cases, the female is the sole pursuer and the guy is just sitting in the wings, waiting to be fetched. Dude, I don't have time for that-- I'm a busy bitch.

I don't have time for a relationshit, but I still want that companionship that comes with it you know? I'm not asking you to marry me, I certainly am not asking you to rearrange your life around me (because God knows I won't for you), and don't assume I want you to be anything you don't want to be. In all honesty if I could in a way "rent" a boyfriend that'd take the cake.

I just want a boy I can have some laughs with, have fun, seriously talk to and kiss. That's quite literally all I have time for haha time for friends, so any guy I'm with would be like a glorified friend-with-benefits. We don't have to be exclusive, nor text everyday, just as long as when we're together its just me. I am open minded to a fault, but I will not take feeling used, or cheap.

I don't want weekly dates nor do I need us to constantly be together. I'm independent and busy as hell, so if our time together could be like a mini vacation almost, that'd be excellent. Maybe when one of us has a crazy test, afterwards we could hang out and just unwind, or even study together for midterms. That'd be charming and very thoughtful. However, I'm not saying I just want to stay in, that gets tiresome. Take me out when I've been in a mood, or just surprise me.

I want to be able to talk -- like really T A L K-- to a guy, about serious and trivial things. I don't like having to make all conversation on my own, and then get a look like "what is she going on about?" If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo in. There's very little that's sexier or more intriguing than a guy who can hold his own in a debate with me or can actually teach me something I didn't know. But don't get cocky, please, arrogance is not attractive on anyone. Self-confidence and self-assurance are both very great qualities for a guy to have, but once you reach doucher levels and cross into arrogant twat, then we've got a problem.

I'm not asking for you to buy me anything, I'm not asking for us to get a dog together, I'm not even asking you to move in with me. I just want a guy to make me feel special and like a lady, I just want a guy to fit and at the same time not fit so we'll have separate lives. I don't want a boyfriend, per say, I want someone to fit my idea of a boyfriend, because frankly I don't have time for much more than that. I'd like my "boyfriend" to be busy as well, so I'm not feeling like I have to hold back and entertain you.

If you are intimidated by someone who knows what they want or how they want it, you need not even apply. I'm not even asking for submissions, just keep in mind that not all girls need constant attention, nor showers of praise; if you tried that I'd just assume you were lying half the time anyway. I just am tired of people saying that I don't know what I want or that I'm too picky-- I am what I am, take it or leave it. I'm straight forward and don't have time for bullshit, so if that makes me an undate-able bitch in your mind, then so be it-- I don't have time for boys, sissies or idiots.

I need a man to be a man. I'm tired of always having to be the guy, to be the pursuer. I want to be wooed, pursued and seduced just as much as the next girl, so stop acting like I signed up to be the boy. I'm not saying I want you to open doors or order at restaurants for me, but no means would I ever mean that, I just want a guy to step up to the plate, take the lead, the initiative.

I'm not asking for much, I'm not asking for the universe tucked into a Juicy purse, I won't even ask you to change your Facebook status, something so trivial and small, all I ask is you be a guy I can laugh with, talk to, kiss and escape reality with for a bit.

I had a hunch.

2009-01-01T10:38:00.000-08:00

I freaking knew that the second I took the option of sex off the table that guys would come flocking up, but darn. haha but its a new year, and to bring in the new year we'll do a sexual inventory of the past year; cleansing the pallate we'll call it:

We start the year of 2008 with BS, the sex was routine, and the relationshit ran cold. I waved goodbye and never looked back.

I'm in a sexual drought until summer rolls around and Chep reappears on the scene. The chemistry was there, and our first kiss was the product of several years of repressed sexual attraction. When we had sex it was fire and ice....MMMM fantastic. But sadly we only had one passionate night, and our friendship is still on the friendly terms it always has been.

The drought continues until daVinci code and the breaking in of him. But like Chep, he's a one hit wonder, and goes down in history as the second most gorgeous penis I've ever seen. Oh what I'd have done for a round two....or twelve.

Not much sex to report in 2008, and even fewer relationshits, so we're going into 2009 ready to have fun and see what happens. Here's hoping I get my body touched more in 09 though.

What is this world coming to?

2008-12-30T11:44:00.000-08:00

When did our "sexual revolution" become a "devolution" for the male gender? Where in our quest to level the playing field did we become the sole pursuers?

I'm honestly trying to wrap my mind around how I am not only being pursued by any guys, but how guys have come to expect that I do the pursuing. Listen. I want to be wooed, pursued, seduced like everyone else-- having a healthy sexual appetite doesn't mean I'm going to seek you out to bed you or what have you.

I'm beautiful, funny, charming, intelligent, witty and a good laugh to have around. So why am I single? I have no idea, so please stop asking me like it's my fault. That's one of my pet peeves, when someone says to me, "You're so gorgeous, why are you still single?" or "you're just too picky, there are loads of guys interested in you!" This isn't how this works; just because a guy is interested in me doesn't mean it is or will be mutual. So don't assume it's all my doing, because I can assure you its not.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm too much for most men to handle, and I've come to terms with the fact that I can be too much for anyone to handle at times. I'm not looking for love, because when it's meant to happen, it will-- all I'm looking for in a guy is fun times, a good kisser, a great sense of humor and if he can make me feel like the lady I am. Is that so hard to find? Yes, damn near impossible.

and like an idiot...

2008-12-22T15:39:00.000-08:00

I took the bet. Fuck. Me. Sideways. A friend of mine bet I couldn't do without sex until she had sex, so I figured "hell I'm already not having sex, why not?" now I've realized what I've done. And I'm P I S S E D.

Ughhh so I figure I'll at least write about it, someone will have some laughs or will feel the same haha idk.

Abstinencechronicles.blogspot.com
Enjoi my misery.

This Obsession

2008-12-21T10:09:00.000-08:00

This obsession is catching let me tell you. It's like wildfire, passing with a glance, a touch, a whispered word, heated caresses in an empty room-- Lust. My sin of choice is gaining speed in my life, haha, and I've realized that this want, need, obsession-- call it what you want-- is an important part of me. I couldn't date a guy or even think of being with a guy knowing that it's not an option for him. As horrible as that sounds, I'm like that guy who dumps his virgin girlfriend because she won't have sex with him. Wow. Haha only I'm not going to lead some girl on into thinking I love her so I can bed her, oh no, I'm not stooping that low. But I know that I can't fully get into a relationship with a guy knowing we're never going to be physical because I know in my heart of hearts that it's only a matter of time before I seek it elsewhere or temptation befalls me. I'm strong, but if the opportunity presents itself and I'm not committed, believe you me, I'm leaping at the opportunity.

Sex is as much a part of me as writing or dancing, so if a guy has a problem with that, he can take his pansy ass somewhere else with that.

as a woman.

2008-11-21T20:29:00.000-08:00

I am proud, grateful, escstatic, and unashamedly stoked to be a woman. To me, it's almost like being a superhero-- it's really awesome, and you get to do all this awesome stuff but it's a huge responsibility. Being a woman isn't just getting dolled up or giving birth or having boobs, it's really about being strong throughout all your fragility. It;s about being a pillar and a foundation for your friends and family. Its about knowing when to get swept off your feet, and when to sweep the losers out onto the doorstep.

Women get a bad rap when we try to level the playing field because we're in a male driven society, and they've got to resort to low level black balling. Because we present a challenge. I have always believed that women could do anything men can do and thenn some; my favorite example is Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. People go on and on about how amazing Fred Astaire is, and he's got countless schools named for him. But Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in heels. Case in point? She's got him beat, especially since she made it look flawless.

Personally, the woman I'm becoming is resilient, optimistic, cynical, cutting, thick skinned and always classy. I stand by my belief that a woman is always multi-faceted, unlike her simple companion, man. So I am always deep, different and all encompassing. I'm compassionate, passionate, empathetic, and utterly mad at times. As a woman, I can go completely off my rocker on a friend and then as soon as that mood is gone help them gather their wits and send them on their way with a hug and a kiss. I am completely comfortable with my emotions and my lack of shame; if I were a man, this would prove to be problematic, but because I'm a woman I'm "allowed". Emotions aren't a sign of weakness, they're a sign of strength. It's hard work to face how you're feeling, confront it and muster up the courage to show the world exactly how much it hurts or not. Anyone can shut up their emotions in a jar and never address it, but it takes skill to lay everything on the table and accept it at face value.

As a woman, I am moving onwards and upwards. Keep up or get out of the way. I'm a classy boss bitch on a tear for the top, and I only roll with the best of my fellow women.

I need you like a stripper needs razor burn.

2008-11-13T18:25:00.000-08:00

So perhaps my last post was a bit hasty. I was talking with a friend and instead of getting all upset over daVinci code's lack of balls, he reminded me to remember that not only am I sexual enough to have pulled daVinci code from the path of righteousness, I also prompted him to cheat on his significant other. Thanks James for putting it right in my mind.

But it doesn't help that daVinci code has regressed. Ugh. Childish, another reason I have no patience for nor desire to be in a relationshit with anyone. The stress brought on by my own life is more than enough to keep me busy, I don't need to connect that with anyone else's, especially not with any one around here. Self-centered lot of bigots and ignorant fools, not appropriate significant other material for a boss such as I.

Seeing as how I am in no man's land, daVinci code is probably my best bet for getting any, so I'm gonna need him to wrap up this battling demons thing and just grow a set AND TEXT ME! I just need a guy to take me in a manly fashion, to just make me feel dirty and girlish. Why is that so difficult?

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, the only ones interested in touching my body (besides the fluke find of daVinici code) are freaks, losers, rude black guys and Fuckbaggerson. I don't know what that doucher is still texting me trying to rekindle the flirtationshit we had over the summer. I grew tired of being mind fucked all the time so I cut it off, now he has no attention from me and it's driving him mad. "Hey wanna bang tonight?" in a text message to me, despite how desperate you might think I am, does not make me want you. Remember I am a classy bitch with standards, which is how you were cut in the first place.

Speaking of that, what is it with guys and assuming that just because they're a (self-proclaimed, more often than not) good looking guy, that when they step to a girl she's going to drop trou and bed him where he stands? Listen, I've got the pussy so I'll be making the decisions here. Don't think that any dick will do; heavens no! I have needs just like any other person, but unlike a guy I have standards and will stick to them-- I'm not a slut, I have a healthy sexual appetite.

Uh-Oh.

2008-11-12T09:52:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like I have cracked the daVinci code, the guy who's body I just touched, we'll call him daVinci code, may have been a virgin. "/oopps. no one told me this-- ok that's a lie. When I first spotted him, I had some friends ask around to fin out his deal. Here's what they returned with: he's got a girlfriend, he's a virgin and there's no chance with him. Hahaha well they underestimated me. I got him, and now realize he was a virgin. haha I'm so going to hell for this.

Now I've opened the floodgates, got my body touched just the once, and I want more. NOW. ugh, too bad the virgin is probably battling his demons of having sex, of cheating on his girlfriend and his girlfriend not being his first time. I've taken the guesswork, the footwork and the work work out of sex with me for him, and he can't be bothered to text back to give me a reply. According to some people I'm sexually intimidating, so he might just be scared. wtf? I know what I want and I know how I want it, how is that "intimidating"? A guy is experienced, he tells a girl what to do, she does it. A girl know what she wants, tells a guy how to do it and she's a whore and "intimidating"? BULLSHIT.

I'm too rabid and tired to keep writing about this without getting upset haha. Now I'll end with this question, why is it men go on and on about how they need to find a girl just to have sex with and nothing more, but when that girl appears they can't be bothered to get their shit together?

The 'Accidental Tease'

2008-11-11T14:53:00.000-08:00

The Chronic Flirt &Runner is a girl who KNOWS what she wants. She KNOWS how to attract it. She KNOWS how to please it. She KNOWS how to get it. BUT… she doesn’t. She’s what you call the ‘accidental tease’/ or just plain, ‘Sabrey’ will suffice.

I have single-handedly perfected the art of the Flirt& Run. (Technically) My first kiss was in pre-school. *Yes, you have to start EARLY to fail this consistently* It was on the playground, with a fresh-out-of-Pampers audience, under an Osh-Kosh jacket with a round boy named Johnny Whit.

I can’t even remember if I enjoyed it, but the SETUP was all the rage (: [This is the demented mind of an accidental tease] How many people do you know that dig the Foreplay more than the deed? Anyway, I must not have been too love struck because I kept my labios to myself until I was about seventeen years old.

Now THAT’S the 1st kiss I keep on the books. The build-up was GREAT the event was kind of a flop. I swear to all that is right in this world that as soon as our lips parted I blurted out, “That’s it!?” No mind-boggling-off-the-wall-cant-catch-my-breath-tingling-and-sparks? I felt pretty bad after that and of course the boy felt insufficient so I guess he thought the suggestion of a French snog would sway my opinion of him… I tell you I couldn’t have gotten out of there fast enough after he UNRAVELED his gargantuan tongue in my mouth.

The accidental tease never realizes how disappointed she leaves her suitors. She has no scope of their needs. She naturally assumes that something awful for her MUST be as ashen for them. She is also her own biggest CockBlock.
*Does ANYONE else see how that monster tongue COULD have come in handy??* Yeah… it took me TWO years to realize that…
Let’s be honest, the root cause of the Chronic Flirt& Run is extreme sexual na·ive·té.

I’ve left many a prick in launch mode without a second thought. I’ve enticed many a booty-call and let the return call go to voicemail. I’ve talked a mighty good game and played them before they saw it coming. And now, I am SUFFERING the wrath of Vag-Drought because MotherKarma is a betch out with a vengeance against me and my accidental tendencies… -_-

Reader's Digest version of my week.

2008-10-23T10:07:00.001-07:00

Chep texted me the other day, and thank God, no nostalgic longing or romance swept over me. Just annoyance because he didn't spell anything right. He's trying to keep me interested, I recognize this tactic, the occasional lure to make a girl think you're thinking of her, and miss her. I've used it-- on him. haha and he thinks I'm not going to realize he's using one of my tricks? Silly boy, that's why you were cut to begin with. He's still doing nothing with his life, so what would redeem him to be back on my list?

I'm still on the lookout for some body touching sadly, and my search is turning up blank. My dreams are getting more and more explicit and more and more detailed. It's going to be my undoing. I've started gaugeing every guy I see, and it gets kind of annoying when I'm doing it to guys who are like family.

I'll end this short post with this question, "Why is it when a girl's looking for chivalry, it's nowhere to be found. But when she's looking for debauchery, all the bad boys are reformed?"

Rabid enough to outsource.

2008-10-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

I am so rabid [[note: that's my word for being: randy, horny, aroused, turned on etc.]] that I've taken to replacing the sex I'm not having with naughty books. Not like romantic novels, or just erotic literature, but actual literal works. "Diary of a Sex Fiend" has comforted me on the fact that I'm not the only woman who seems to be "gagging for a shag" as Abby Lee puts it. "Confessions of a Working Girl" had me actually considering a job in a brothel. "Nights in Black Lace" helped me decide I want a man who can make me feel dirty and girlish at the same time.

I haven't gotten any body touching or even a hot and heavy make out session since Chep in AUGUST. That may not seem like that long of a period to some people, but to me I'm at the end of my tether wishing for a bit of slack. I'm going off the wall so much I'm running the risk of desensitizing. Vibrators and the like are fine and dandy-- to supplement REAL SEX-- but on their own they're not fulfilling my needs.

It's starting to affect my emotions, this sexual drought I find myself in. I'm short tempered and at times a raging bitch. For example, some guy said I'm a bit forward about sex and any other time I would've laughed it off or talked about it. But oh no, not today. I tore him a new one about how it's my body and I can do what I want. Poor thing didn't know what was coming. But it's true! It's my pussy, I'll do what I want. I'm a big girl now, I know what I want, like and need.

Ugh, for my sanity and for the sake of everyone around me, let's hope I get some soon.

Good Riddance, and Good Bye.

2008-10-02T20:11:00.000-07:00

Tonight I've been thinking about every guy in my past, and how my life was when I was with them. I was always so enthusiastic about every single relationship--giving my all, every single time like it was the first relationship. I think it just shows the tenacity of my heart; how it gives unconditionally and still keeps a optimistic view on love.

But even with all the giving and giving of myself, I wasn't relieved to be free of the relationships until my heart grieved for each one. I never thought to make a "Good Riddance List" until now, and most times I never got the chance to be vindictive. I'd have loved to metaphorically shove every memory and sweet kiss into a big cardboard box and shove it onto their doorsteps. Having never gotten the chance to do so, and being inspired by Rihanna's "Breaking Dishes" (I'm kicking asses/ I'm taking names/ I'm on flame/ don't come home babe/ I'm breaking dishes up in here/ I am killing time, you know bleaching your clothes/ I am roasting marshmallows on the fire/ And what I am burning is your attire) I'm going to create the Ultimate Good Riddance Blog.

Let's start from our first boyfriend, Blue Eyes. Blue eyes was a family friend's nephew and we hit it off right away. We didn't get together till 2 years after we first met, and soon after I found out he was kicked out of his private Christian school for selling pot. I thought nothing major of it at the time, and he was sent to military school. We broke it off after 4 months, and then he went into heavier drugs, and a seedier scene. I've only seen him once since, and everytime we talked on the phone, he was worse and worse off. If I could say one thing to him after all this time it'd be, "Wow. You've really gone downhill. Doesn't this seem like a sign to get your life together?"
Now onto his list:
-he wasn't one for deep conversation, in fact I can't remember a single conversation we've ever had;
-his breath was always weird, now I have a feeling it was the drugs he was using;
-he sold drugs, more evidence of his idiocy;
-and finally, he never once told me how fabulous I was. I know this may seem odd, but if you're in a relationship, it should always make you feel better about yourself, and you should never have to question if you're appreciated and adored.

Next boyfriend on the list is Jock. I'd love to tell him "you may have mind fucked me for years, but at least I'm not the one who's still in high school." We've already got his background so we'll head straight to the list:
-he would leave all the move making to me and take credit for it, citing he didn't want to take the relationship anywhere I didn't feel comfortable, too bad the one where you'd think this little rule would apply it didn't (sex, I was underage and he was 18, at least, but I let him think I was a virgin);
-he never took me to a single school dance our entire year+ relationship, I'd show up at the dance and he'd already be there, with some girl on his arm, after either saying he wasn't going or not talking about the dance at all;
-we never did anything outside of football games or school, showing how our relationship meant to him, we were simply something that didn't exist once he left school;
-I never met his family during our relationship, and after nearly a year, and him saying how much I meant to him, you'd think this was important;
-girls always seemed to be "kissing him", more than once he'd tell me that some girl either kissed him or tried to kiss him, that doesn't bode well for us;
-he was telling the football team about me, and not all of his "stories" were true, I kept getting wind of this "story time" but he would always deny it. He like to say "the only people you can trust are me, Jeff and Cameron. We'd never lie to you" but when Jeff and Cameron both come up to me talking about the stories Jock would give, and asking me for confirmation, that was a sign someone was lying to me;
-he was constantly breaking up with me, that sounds harsher on me than it really is, but he was always seeming to be on the verge of leaving me. whether he meant for me to always beg for him to stay or chase after him, I'll never know, but because I was young and naive, I did it. Now thinking about it makes me cringe, no man who really loves a woman will ever mess with her emotions like he did me.

The next fellow on my list of relationshits is the one we'll call Mr. Huh. He was a close friend that became a friend with benefits. We decided to try dating for a bit, but all of our chemistry and spark really came when we were unattached, so us as a couple didn't last long. It was in fact so short, many of my friend's aren't and weren't aware we were ever an item, let alone touching bodies, so when I bring him up now, they're like "Huh? Who's that?". What's funny is I have nothing to say to him, not even after making this list. His list is as follows:
-he was the typical so-cal beaner, in a gang, often truant, no immediate or long term plans to do anything with his life;
-didn't value me as a woman, let alone an equal. He would pull the typical "if-I-can't-understand-it,-why-is-it-important" bit often when I brought up college or the future;
-partied more than he saw me, along with sleazy whores who would be all over him when we were together;
-wasn't a gentleman, at all. His friends not only knew we were hooking up, but often leered at me like they were next in line;
-made me feel used once, and I will never feel like that again.

I took a hiatus from the dating world for a year after Mr. Huh, but picked up again with Sighh. We call him "Sighh" because he is to date, the longest relationshit I've ever been in. He was generally sweet, shy and pleasant the beginning of our relationshit, but soon enough the true colors showed through. He became controlling, jealous, possessive, and whiny. He was sigh-worthy at first, then as time went on it because an exasperated sigh. What I'd love to tell him is, "You've not only made me second guess my dreams and be more determined than ever to shake the dust of you, but you've also made me swear off Mexicans." His list is:
-not the brightest crayon in the box, his only topics of conversation were cars, defense in football, and his family. anything else was lost on him and he wouldn't speak;
-he never made an effort to get to know my friends or to speak when we hung out because they were "too crazy" or "too loud". we always hung out with his friends;
-he also never made an honest effort to get to know my parents, especially not my dad. he was always so "afraid" so we were alwaysat his house;
-he had no plans for his life, and had the nerve to try to plan my life alongside his deadend one. The extent of them was we were going to get married, I wasn't going to move with my family, move into his mother's two bedroom house with his whole family, or go to USC. RUDE. He also got mad when I would bring up college plans or ask for his;
-he had a temper problem, I never saw this one coming, but when I was with my gay older brother--now let me repeat that, my gay older brother-- he called me and flipped out on me because I was "with a guy without him";
-he was so manipulative, be it guilt trips, or temper tantrums, or old fashioned intimidation, we did what he wanted and there was little room for me to do anything else. I was talking to his pregnant sister-in-law and his younger sister, I didn't hear him calling me, so he came outside, yelled at me and grabbed me. I got so upset I hit him and he lost it. That was the beginning of the end;
-he was a hypocrite. He could have female friends, I couldn't have male friends. He could have plans for the weekend with his buddies to party, I couldn't go to the movies with friends. I did it all anyway, and did more to spite him, more signs that it wasn't going to work;
-he cheated on me. I was devastated sure, but it was fleeting. The next day I went on a date with Jock, after spending most of the afternoon with Mr. Huh in his apartment. We were over by the end of the week.

The last boyfriend I've had was BS. Words of wisdom for him? "Get off your ass. Cut your hair. Get a new job. Grown the fuck up." His list:
-he was so damned lazy. he never wanted to work, go to class, drive or do anything that wasn't smoke weed or play video games;
-he was in college but had no plans. So not only is he wasting his life, but also wasting his parent's money;
-never followed through, when I first met him he had plans to be a child psychologist and work with troubled teens at the Y, etc. Then once we were together, I noticed that all the grand plans he had were just facades and screens. They all fell through and he is still at the same dead end job he bitched about our entire relationshit;
-never wanted to do anything in the outside world, he was a recluse and tried to make me do the same. After Sighh, I was a bit more impervious to guilt trips, but its the damn giving I do;
-didn't care for his personal hygiene like he should have, if you're going to have long hair and facial hair, take care of it. this isn't the hippy era and dammit, you're not cute. it was charming at first but really? not attractive;
-was embarrassing in front of people, there is never a need to grope me in public. PERIOD. Respect me, don't try to make me seem like some sex toy, or mark your territory in front of guys. It's rude and annoying;
- was oftentimes rude to my friends, and that's inexcusable. They were here before you and they'll sure as hell be here after, so if you want to stick around, you make nice with them;
-never met my parents, I've brought him to meet my parents loads of times, but this asshole never said a word and always made up some excuse to be late and leave early. I guess I was not worth meeting my parents, and I know I'm that and more;
-didn't respect me, this is on his list twice because it just irks me. especially towards the end (translation:when I got fed up), he was so disrespectful to me, treating me like some mindless woman who caters to his every whim, that it made me resent him;
-his drug stories, I don't care if you used to do acid or ecstasy, that's your business, but don't name drop every chance you get. you're not an expert, and its really annoying. AND don't tell me what drugs I can and can't handle, I'll be the judge of that, asscock;
-his heroes were Cheech and Chong, the Big Lebowski, Johnny Depp's character in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and hippies. Does this not say it all?;
-was a one trick pony, if the conversation didn't involve drugs, video games or his heroes, then he was utterly useless and would sit sullenly in a corner while me and friends discussed politics, philosophy, and religion. then he would bitch about how I ignored him all afternoon, etc;
-resented my intelligence, on more than one occasion he would snap at me "well we can't all be geniuses like you". Its not my fault you don't go to class, let alone open a book, so don't get mad at me because I'm correcting you.

Now the last boy officially in my dating history is Chep, we've had a minor background on him, but we'll go in a bit deeper. We met through Jock my freshman year of high school, and kept in touch till this past summer. He had a huge thing for me my sophomore and junior years of high school, but we never acted on it, because I didn't feel the same way about him. We would randomly contact each other the next few years, and when I finally went back to California this past summer, he was so excited to see me. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to fit him in, but he showed up at a surprise party for me. I was thrown for a loop, he wasn't the awkward geeky kid I remembered from high school, he was HOT. He was still quirky and charming, and we started talking at the party. There was mutual body touching, and promises we didn't mean, ending with me coming back to Texas. What I'd love to say to him is, "You've got all kinds of potential and you've been methodically flushing your life down the toilet. Just call it a day, your ego is too big to fit down the drain." Here's his list:
-he messes around with high school girls, and he's 21. wow, way to have standards, buddy;
-he isn't in school, nor does he have a job;
-he is content to ride through life, doesn't have any dreams of changing his life;
-he wants to be a rapper, in my opinion for most this is a cop-out, you don't want to have to work or do anything but party, so you're going to do a job that requires minimal input time. If you're not constantly working on your music, or in a studio and all you do is say "I wanna be a rapper", then get over it, you're never going to be one;
-he thought he was using me for sex, silly boy. I get what I want when I want it, you never get in my pants unless I want you there, don't think you charmed your way in against my wishes;
-he told his roommates about us hooking up, and then tried to have me hook up with some guy a few nights later. this is another time I was disrespected. I chewed him and the guy out but good;
-he thought and still thinks that he's got me wrapped around his finger. arrogance is not becoming of anyone.

Now a quick little shout-out section to the guys in my life who've played a minor role in my love life:
-Jeffery Howard, for being my first crush ever, you weren't the most graceful about turning me down, but you did set the precedent for me to always be wary;
-Stephen, for being exactly who you are, and you know why you're on here;
-Twin Steven, for being that friend who we always had the potential to be more, but wanted to preserve the friendship, thank you for always putting my needs first;
-Fuckbaggerson, for being that potential out-of-this-universe love then totally cocking it up, you saved us both a life of grief, though you didn't have to be a total fuckass about it;
-G-baby, you were literally the first "love of my life" and our flirtationship or whatever it was lasted 5 years, you showed me that I deserved to always be adored, and reminded of how amazing I am. Though after 5 years of near misses, failed chances, and constant close calls, we never had the chance to see where we could have ended up, I'll never regret a moment of it.

The thing about retrospect is that it's a double-edged sword; a beautiful think that shows you all the ins-and-outs, but its a tool that shows you how you've totally and utterly fucked up. Looking at these lists, and making them, shows me how totally unfit all these guys were to date me. Also, how much time I wasted in dead end relationshits, and how much energy I expended trying to make them work. I've learned now that these guys were stepping stones, and the compilation of these stories, these guys, will help me to be a smarter hopeless romantic. I'll be able to navigate the dating world with my homemade map, and avoid the pitfalls and oneway streets I've already ventured down. I'm following my own rules now, rules I've cultivated through my own personal experience, and one of the most important ones is "No papers. No promises." If he's not committed as much as I am, there's no point in me putting it and him on some pedestal; if I'm not adored as much as I should be, he's not gonna be the only one-- if at all.

This is the beginning of the rest of my love life, and I already know where it's all headed for. Gaspard Ulliel. I've decided I'm going to be the future Mrs. Therese Marie Crews-Ulliel; it's fated, and whether it happens or not, it doesn't hurt to have my standards high. It'll keep me from having to make another "Good Riddance List".

Dynamite! (It's time to blow some shit up...)

2008-09-30T10:55:00.001-07:00

The signs said 'stop', but we went on whole-hearted... It ended bad, but I love what we started.

The above is a line from one of my favorite songs by Fiona Apple, "Parting Gift". And basically, it has a lot of relevance to me today... Today is the day that I finally decided to stop lying to myself about men -- one man, specifically. I think it's important that we stop deceiving ourselves if we expect the opposite sex to. (Or the same sex. I don't discriminate against my LGBT!) And sometimes, it's hard to suddenly face the truth. But tough shit, you know? Lots of things in life are hard. That's another idea you're just going to have to get used to, if you expect to really make something with your life. But I digress...

Today, I decided to "break up" with my nonsensical ideas of what The Nigerian is to me. Am I actually breaking up with him? No. Why? Well, because (a) we were never actually in a relationship and (b) I still find value in keeping him around. But I've decided to break up with the mental horse manure that I kept feeding myself to keep hope alive. It sucks, but if I'm ever going to find my MaybeJew... I had to do it.

You see, I let myself fall wholly and stupidly for someone just because they made me feel good about myself. And while there is nothing wrong with falling someone, having someone make you feel sexy, or enjoying someone that makes you feel sexy... When you become dependent on them, that's when the shit hits the fan. When you become dependent on someone else to either make or break your happiness, that's when you've lost your goddamn mind.

So there I was, all lost and fallen... but I was still hanging onto him. Well, not "him", exactly -- but what I want(ed) him to be. Even though he explained to me that he didn't want to be with me and that all we'd ever be was "justfriends", I still held onto that little glimmer of hope that we'd become something more. Even though I've witnessed him woo other girls and seen the evidence of this wooing, I still believed that he'd finally see the light. But the truth is: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME. Ding-dong, Michelle, your fucking common sense is HOME! And oh, it feels so good.

And it's not to say that he doesn't like me. It's not to say that I still don't want to be JUST friends with him... But if I'm ever going to move on, I need to let that ship of romantic possibility SAIL SAIL SAIL. Bon voyage, misplaced affection!

I really like him; it's true. And I really care about him and value our friendship. But he'll never be the love of my life. I have confronted that reality head-on. And I'm okay with that. When you reallyreallyreally like someone, you want them to hold that potential of being the "IT" for you. You want to entertain the thought of "forever" with them -- (a) it's so nice to think about; (b) you get caught up in the emotions; and (c) it's a lot easier than having to imagine how much the post-crush affects will suck. But the truth is, he doesn't have that potential for me. I don't think his chapter in my book is up yet... but it's taken a very different turn.

The truth is: I'm not ready to compromise or settle for less than what I've dreamed of, less than what I'm owed. By saying "Yeah, I'm okay with that" to finding another girl's sunglasses in his apartment, to another girl bringing him food to work, and to him flirting with another girl in my presence; I'm really saying, "No, I don't think I can do better than you." And I can do better than that. I may not need to find my soulmate right now... but I want someone who I can really love, who will REALLY love me. All the time, no matter what, with nothing else on the side. That's something I can't compromise on. Call it being selfish... I call it wising the fuck up. I want someone to love me so much that they don't need anyone else. And if I can't have that, then I'd much rather start focusing on myself and my goals (and slutting it up as much as possible before I go off to NY).

R.I.P. Nigerian FlirtationSHIT May 2008 to September 2008. You will NOT be missed.

blast from the past.

2008-09-29T16:32:00.000-07:00

Today at work, I had a run in with a past boyfriend's lookalike and the rush of feelings I got hit me sideways!

Now about the boyfriend, we'll call this one Jock, he was my first high school boyfriend and the closest thing to a heart break I've had. It was tumultuous, fast, and unbelievable. It was my introduction to the world of dating, and it covered just about every base; being cheated on, the beginnings of falling in love, lust, whispered sweet nothings, being wooed, breaking up and getting back together-- all of it. He was a senior when I was a freshman and it spanned just about a year and some change.

Well today at work, a guy with a southern accent ordered then pulled around to the window. he was looking down and pulling stuff out of his wallet, and I was reading his order to him, then he looked up. under his cowboy hat was Jock's face. almost exactly. it scared the shit out of me. the eyes, the lips, the cheekbones-- all of it. Seeing him brought up all the emotions I felt throughout all of Jock and I's relationshit: anger, lust, irritation, and twitterpation. Jock was the one guy who's had this affect on me, and even after all this time it still happens.

Just goes to show you, even when you finally banish them from your thoughts, men still have to make sure you never forget them. bastards.

standard bullshit.

2008-09-22T12:31:00.000-07:00

Double standards? A given. They're just the standard bullshit that society feeds all of us to keep men in control, and women oppressed. Its a step backwards for all women who are finding themselves sexually or wanting to be more open sexually.

Men use words like "whore" and "slut" to demean women who have decided that restrictions are just that, restrictions used to limit us. [[Read: I said "whores" not "homewreckers" they're another breed all their own]] but that's just it. Words. Words only have power if you let them, and I've decided its bullshit.

This is me, officially saying, I'm gonna date and sleep around as I see fit. Its my pussy, I do what I want.

Midnight Love... Whaaaaat?

2008-09-22T00:46:00.000-07:00

Men, love, and sex.

That seems to be 50% of the ongoing traffic in my brain now-a-days. The other 50% is theatre, poetry, music, NYU, goals, and "Damn, I'm so fucking hungry for __________." Men have one-track minds -- they constantly think of sex. But alas, women are more complex creatures. So the sex is often attached to the men they want to have sex with (or women; of course I'm not trying to exclude my lesbian sisters) and the men that they love so much that they want to have sex with.

And that's where we get fucked over.

L-O-V-E. It's dangerous territory. I once read a quote: "Love is not a battle, it's the whole war." Yeah, well, love is also the enemy. And love will kill your ass if you cross its lines. And you can quote me on that. Love is not for the faint of heart. Yet so many of us with our figurative asthma and heart disease yearn for, lust for, and dive into it blindly.

Ladies, we're doing it all wrong. We can't just hand them everything on a silver platter... and then act surprise when they pawn that platter for a cheap ring to give to their new whore. No... We have to stay guarded, armored, and have our AK-47s loaded, aimed, and ready to fire. Because if we're not, love will ambush you, take you as a P.O.W., and won't release you until the war is over. And we never quite know when it's over.

Anyways... I'm Michelle. This is one of my many rants on love. I promise to post something more cohesive and theme-oriented within the next few days.,

my love life, or lack thereof, to this point.

2008-09-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

As a lets-get-to-know-one-another beginning blog, I thought I'd give you a brief this-is-whats-been-happening and my stance of romance, dating and relationshits.

I got my body touched by an old friend in California, but that was short lived, and even shorter still mourned for. We'll call him "Chep" haha, because we may reference to him on occasion.

My exboyfriend, apparently, has been referencing me as a name tag for himself. Confused? Here's how he apparently introduced himself to my friend:
Him: have we met before?
Her: uh, I think so maybe?
Him: oh yeah, we have. I'm therese's ex-boyfriend.
Her:......oh.
Wow, how charming, right? Ugh, we'll reference him as BS for the endearing petname he had when we were dating, Baby Sass, and the name he got after we broke up, BullShitter.

One thing I hate about relationshits is the total loss of self most girls go through. "He's my other half" or "he completes me" makes me sick. You were a WHOLE person your ENTIRE life before him, and now you're a part? That's just sad. Another thing I hate is the sense of possesion some guys get. "That's MY girl" isn't endearing when you're limiting her life to you and only you. I had a life before you and best believe its gonna continue during and after you.

I think dating is useful, you shouldn't marry or tie your life to someone if you're not compatible, "test driving" is important. But God forbid you think you're the only one. No papers, no promises. Unless we're married, we decide to be exclusive or you're Gaspard Ulliel, don't try to tell me what I can and can't do. I've got the pussy I make the rules. Don't like it? Take your nonsense elsewhere.

Now, some people aren't going to like that previous paragraph. Well too bad. Double standards are just ignorance forcing society's hand. And I'm gonna be the first to say--write--its bullshit. If I wanna date a few guys at once, I will. If I'm after you just to fuck, then I will. Don't trip, I can love em and leave em just like a guy-- only difference is people will say I'm a whore. I'm done with that nonsense. Words are only words. The only person who can judge me is God.