at the end of the day, you are who you'll end up with.

Getting involved with another person is a messy affair; you're combining two separate people with two sets of lives and expecting it to go off without a hitch. Sure, optimism and Hollywood tell you it'll be a seamless compromise--and in the honeymoon phase I have no doubt it will be. Only, humans are naturally selfish beings, sooner or later our need to come first will surface. If you make it to this point and still somehow are able to keep a balance (balance between not only the couple in the relationship but the people in their lives as well) then the next hurdle comes forward: merging the couple's baggage.

This is the part where you let your significant other see behind the veil; it's do or die time because if you're going to be with this person fairly long (ish) term then you don't want to be on eggshells the rest of this (rollercoaster) ride. You want to be able to relax and be yourself so you try to either throw it all on the table or ease them into it. If you rush the merger then you run the risk of scaring the other person off with all your eccentricities or learning that the person you're with is a first class nut job. If you ease them in, and don't fool yourself into thinking this is a safer route, you may have them think you've led them on and you aren't who you were-- that you've changed into someone completely different.

When you let someone in, you show them things you hide from most people, you let them into your inner sanctum. Unfortunately, most of the people you let in have no business being there; they'll trash it, kick everything over, and top it off with a steaming dump on it. When you become that intimate with someone, you run out of places you can hide-- places that are yours and yours alone. It becomes harder to say "this isn't for me, I'm out", harder to run, harder to go back to the beginning.

Intimacy means the devaluing of yourself for the sake of adding someone in.

you think you're confused?

I'm still not sure how it happened. How the urge to make this other person happy became my rhyme and reason for doing things. I changed my habits so quickly I didn't notice until I caught myself yesterday. A girl at work asked why I couldn't eat fast food and I responded "because Ginger said--" and stopped myself there. I love occasional fast food, but I "wasn't allowed" because Ginger said no? Hell no. So I found myself smoking a cigarette--something he h a t e s-- to balance it in my mind. A bit crazy? Yes.
Sure, I could blame it on Disney ingraining it into me that to be happy and keep a relationship stable, defer to the guy and just be pretty, but that'd be a load of bull. I think its just because making him happy makes me happy, but I'm having trouble finding a balance of where he ends and I begin. Its not like I don't tell him the things I want or completely ignore what I want, but I tend to find a way to coincide our wants. He wants me to work out with him and eat healthier, so I rationalize that I've been wanting to lose weight so adhering to his Nazi plan is okay. I will acknowledgge my part in this imbalance, after a lifetime of insecurity I tend to want to make others happy because they'll love me because I make them happy. Hey, its a tried and tested method alright? But in actuality, its a bad habit because I underscore myself to place the other person slightly above me.
And now I'm in a relationship--a real, legit, give-and-take, grown up, serious relationship-- and I don't know quite how to hold my own in terms of wants. Like I'm not a big wanter besides being happy and occasional random things, and for him besides the working out he hasn't voiced many others. How do I explain this to someone just like me? Someone who hasn't had a prior serious communicative relationship, and has never really cared about the other person in relationshits prior?
The logical thing would be just to talk to him, but that's where it gets tricky. He's a stereotypical male Aries (masculine, headstrong, prone to avoiding emotions) and I'm a female Cancer (we're big on emotions haha nurturers). So even if I could find the perfect words, the approach is the hard part. Sometimes he'll make fun of me for being overly emotional; I think he subconciously does it to train me that emotions will get me made fun of so I won't bring them up. We're two of the most emotionally crippled people I know and we're trying to make it work.
I think that counts in our favor, that we're both making efforts to meet halfway but we're so different that our halfway doesn't match up. I would like for us to match up eventually, but I don't know how to get us there, and he seems to be content as is so he isn't going to make the effort. I'm a little scared that my being so willing to adapt and his inability to will cause an imbalance. Add that to the fact that he's dumped me twice already and you can see why I'm so wary about it. I'm worried he's only with me now because he thinks I'm willing to become what he wants as opposed to what I am.
I feel more than a little pathetic when I think about this as a whole, but if he were to be doing the same for me then we'd just be a working balanced relationship. So either I change and become stagnant like him or I talk to him about it and get him on my page. Well looks like I just talked myself into having a conversation about it with him, now where to start?

that's alright because i love the way you lie.

Maybe if we weren't so good at lying to ourselves it'd be easier to tell the truth to each other. I think we have such a hard time sharing the truth with each other because we have an outline in our heads about how it all "should" go we lose sight of how it "could" be. I've been gutted as has he and neither of us really saw this coming when we first started seeing each other and now its all kinds of cluster fucked because we don't know how to be in a functional relationship. But as we learn together it stands to reason we can make our own rules right? Afterall, what happens between us is decided by us, not a jury of our peers. We both have our own sets of emotional baggage but the important thing is we're both thinking to ourselves of how we'll fit it all in our closet together. At least until his issues with vulnerability and emotion take him 5 steps back. So I wait patiently and guide him back forward, and meet him halfway so he isn't "spooked" I say but its because I'm as afraid as he is to get my heartbroken after investing everything I have into it. I guess the only difference between us is I'm not a coward-- as long as he's willing to come with me I'll fucking march on. He's the complete list of my LOML potential and while I'm willing to fight for it, I know I'm worth fighting for too.

he left a mark.

I don't know why but when ginger hurts me it h u r t s. It hurts so much more than it ever did with any of my past failures. I suppose its my love of the potential that trips me up. But dammit this cuts and the disappointment feels as though it'll crush me sometimes-- othertimes I feel like its trying to shove my stomach through my spine. One day he's super boyfriend the next we're two ships passing in the sea. Our relationship may be stagnating but instead of talking about it we're carrying on? know that if there are no papers, there are no promises-- so why am I crying?

what's yours is mine?

Ginger has been dragged into doing backstage work on the musical I'm working on, and besides the occasional whining he's been really great about it. So I figure he realizes how much theatre means to me and I mention some of the schools I'm looking at-- most of which are either on a coast or abroad. He turns on me and starts telling me "no, don't do it, we'll grow into different people, and we won't be able to have sex, don't that's a bad idea." Wtf? I'm not soundboarding, I'm not asking for your advice, I'm answering your question. I'm a firm believer in what's meant to be will be, and of doing what you feel you have to do for you. We'll cross this bridge when we get to it, but hopefully he'll realize that if he tries to make me choose between him and my empire, I'll choose my empire everytime. If we're two people in love we'll make it work; we can't if one person is shooting the idea down instead of helping to think of solutions.

our first foray into the land of the l-word.

Ginger calls me and says he wants to cook me dinner because we had a bit of a fight. I go to his place thinking we'll eat something easy in front of the tv and just chill. Wrong. I walk in and there's two places set with candles and steaks and all kinds of goodies. The whole time we're eating and chatting I notice how comfortable we are with each other; swapping bites and laughing. He asks how I like it and I tell him it was great, then he asks if any other boyfriend has cooked for me. That was a big negative and he vowed to do it more often because I cook often. He's sweet as pudding since the break up and its been a learning experience for both of us. We have an amazing evening after dinner, swimming with his friends and drinking and talking. Of course we have sex, AC for that, and canoodle and talk about the future and plans and dreams and jokes. Then one of his friends decides to try and bum rush us thinking it'll result in him being in a threesome.....no. ginger flips out and socks his friend in the face while totally naked, hilarious haha.

taking leafs left and right.

as mentioned in SATC2, every relationship should make their own rules-- after all no one is in the relationship but the two of you so why should anyone else's opinions or wishes matter? ginger and i have been drafting our own rules and i like the idea that we'd be a steady relationship that could handle that. i also noticed that Miz Chelle has posted a list of requirements, so to speak, and wanted to compare my relationship to the list I myself made nearly a year ago. Let's see how it measures up:

1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.
Ginger is increasingly honest with me, and we've communicated more than i have in any other relationship

2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.
with his possessive streak there's never any question about where we stand, and since the reunion he's been even more romantic/sexual

3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.
oh trust, ginger has got this allure because he's so self confident, but at times he's got a smidgen of insecurity to balance it out and keep it from collapsing into douchery.

4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before you, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.
he's actually been really great about it all,even coming to hang out with us most nights and he's very accepting of friendship lines that were in place before him.

5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.
ginger understands my limits sometimes better than i do and he's very aware of my preferences.

6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.
very charmingly and cheekily ginger asked if i wanted to be exclusive at the beginning of this adventure and he has a jealous streak-- one that he has admitted would keep him from being ok with a threesome because he doesn't want to share me

7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.
he's actually offered to do running crew for the summer musical i'm in and he's gotten into glee and true blood because i liked them and he gave them a shot and now he's as obsessed as i am

8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.
he and my brother are speed training together and he's the first boyfriend to actually engage my father in conversation. winner there haha

9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.
he gets on great with all my friends and has introduced me to his best friends. no word yet on bringing them all together, but i'm sure in due time.

10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.
he hasn't read tolstoy or poe, but he's crazy smart about chemistry and other linear things. i'm trying to get him into the abstract but he's a nonfiction kinda guy. we have debates at times and we have trivia sessions, it's fun.

11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.
we played volleyball this weekend the day after we went to the club and got trashed haha we always have fun

12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.
he is always game for whatever, and lately i've learned that this is a better plan than making plans with him haha we're both so spontaneous that sometimes making plans keeps us from doing stuff haha

13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.
i've learned some random stuff from him, and he's definitely learned a thing or two from me

14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.
he's ever the charmer and opens doors. he's sweet and frankly he's the most gentlemanly i've ever dated....of course that doesn't spread to the bedroom ;)

15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.
the more i've gotten to know this kid, the funnier and more endearing he is. we've had just as much fun bumming it on my couch as we have at beer pong at his place as we've had at the river

16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.
he's actually told me he loves that i'm not like other girls he's dated. and i'm always being treated like the first girl, there aren't any expectations or anticipations based off of other girls

17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.
i hate that he listens so well haha when i'm upset and trying not to show it he can tell and its sweet but frustrating sometimes haha i just wanna stew and be mad at you in peace!

18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.
ginger's an alpha. no buts about it.

19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.
we had a smidgen of a problem with this once, but we talked it out and fixed it

20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.
he told me that i'm his best friend and i told him that when he broke up with me it felt like i lost a best friend and a boyfriend at the same time

21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.
so far so good. haha gotta love this jerk.

all in all pretty positive across the board; all that and our out of this world sexual chemistry leads me to think this is a great thing haha, now i can go forward into the Land of the L-word knowing we're pretty great together.

sometimes you couldn't imagine the outcome if you tried

So as you all know, ginger dumped me last week and I was up in the air over how I felt about it. As the week progressed I went to the lake with some friends and hoped to get my mind off it. But I just ended up venting to the girls over margaritas about it and we compiled a list of things to say to him about all of it. I was especially confused about how we were broken up but still texting every night and things like that so I added that to the list of things I needed mother fuckken clarification on. Well, I come home Sunday and ginger was supposed to come over that night; on the drive home, though, he texted to cancel on me-- par for the course much? Well I was like "fuck this and him" when he texts me asking if he could come over monday, I tell him "sure, whatever" and forget about it. He comes over the next day and we watch true blood then he asks if we can talk. We go to another room and I wait for him to start talking-- only he is struggling and looks like he's going to cry. He finally starts with "I'm scared. I'm scared of 3 things: commitment, that I'm not good enough for you, and letting you in because it means I have to let my wall down." We talk for 2 hours about it all and how he was so scared he "jumped ship" instead of talking it out with me because he has never really talked things out with anyone before so he wasn't sure he'd be able to find the words. After 2 hours, he covered everything I had on my list before I had a chance to bring any of it up, and he even spent 20 minutes of it apologizing for ruining everything and how he'd like to get back together if I'd have him. I wasn't sure how to respond so we sat in silence for a while just holding hands; finally he kissed my hand and said "this is the first time I've felt like myself since I broke up with you, just being around you is enough if you don't want me." It was the sweeted thing I've ever heard and the look in his eyes just about broke my heart so I said "yes, on two conditions", he looked like a make a wish kid being granted a wish he was so happy he said "anything, you name it." I looked him in the eye and said "one, we talk it out before you go jumping ship," he nodded and said "if I had done that instead of what I did I could've saved us a lot of shit, of course" and I said "two, you kiss me." So we kissed and caught up on lost time chatting when he kissed me and said "I love you, you know that right? I figured if I had broken up with you and been just friends you'd be in my life forever, but I didn't realize how much I need you." So the L word has been dropped by the greatest LOML potential to date....let's see how I navigate these waters of Love.

the end of the road.

Well ginger broke up with me yesterday. I still feel kinda numb and I'm more disappointed he broke up with me than anything I think. That is because he broke up with me on impulse because he feels "someone could care about [me] than [he] could. He felt bad because he went an entire day without thinking about me. Big whoop, I do that too but I don't go dumping you on a whim. And the mixt signals I was getting from him-- hell the ones I've been getting since last friday-- are so baffling to me. Obviously he doesn't know where he's at, so he decides to break it off in lieu of actually talking about and owning up to his feelings-- confusion included. Very mature. Ugh. And now I've been awake since 4 am for no apparent reason, but I'm going to guess it has something to do with him. What am I saying? Of course it has something to do with him, he's the closest out of all the guys I've dated to LOML material and frankly it broke my heart a little that he was so willing to just drop me to avoid feelings or whatever his reasoning is. So he may have sabotaged our relationship and demoted it back to the ranks of relationshit, but I'll be forever grateful that he showed me the kind of relationship I deserve and was a pillar of strength in a hard time.

Micro Bitchrant

Within the last few weeks, I have become much more attuned to how many blind, irrational, and/or utterly moronic women there are out there who are more or less breaking their own hearts. Well, ladies, this one is for you…

First and foremost, let's get one thing clear: HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. If he has a girlfriend that he hides you from, he does not love you. If he goes a week without speaking to you, he does not love you. If he always makes the issues your fault, he does not love you. If you have never met his friends or family, he does not love you. If you attempt to have a serious discussion with him about where your "relationship(shit)" is headed and he dismisses you, he does not love you. If he broke up with you, he does not love you. If he lies to you, he does not love you. And if he cheats/betrays you, he does not love you.

He is not shy. He is not busy. He is not confused. He is not unaware of or unwilling to admit his "true" feelings. In my experience and observation, I have learned that a guy will literally do almost ANYTHING for a woman he truly loves and wants to be with. He will man up and respect her. He will be honest with her. He will spoil her. He will communicate with her. He will do all those things that you've been tricked into thinking "just aren't in a man's nature to do". Well, sweetie, they are in a MAN's nature—they're just not in the nature of that asshole you've been wasting your time with.

It baffles (and disgusts) me at how many women I see making excuses for these little boys. Just because his dick gets hard and he plays dress-up does not mean he's a man. More importantly, he's not really YOUR man and he's not the man you need to be involved with. So get to truckin', sister. You've got shit to do.

And trust me—I get it. It hurts to break up with someone you really care about. It hurts to give up on someone that you've invested your EVERYTHING into. I have been there time and time again. But it's better you dump his ass, keep your dignity, and affirm your self-worth than get your ass dumped and be obliterated by his selfishness. It's time you stop missing his ungodly ass and start celebrating your own BAMF-ness. On the real. And by any means necessary.

Have I made myself clear? GOOD!

(Okay, so this wasn't "micro", but it served it's purpose for the time being. Keep checking for the more in-depth sequel to this post. I've struck gold, I think…)

i'm not sorry i met you.

Well this relationshit I'm in with Ginger is taking off, and to date I haven't had a thought or urge to cheat, leave or sabotage. This is crazy considering my track record. He keeps me on my toes, and I keep him guessing-- we're complete opposites but its complimentary I think. Sometimes its kinda anxiety wrought because I am so out of practice with monogamy that when he asks me things sometimes I'm so busy searching for double meanings and trap doors I don't actually realize till later that he was being straight forward.

Being in a relationshit-- relationship, I suppose-- where things are how they are at face value and there's no underhanded manipulation, is exhilarating-- AFTER I remind myself that he says what he means and means what he says. I'm grateful that he's patient and stubborn haha if he'd have given up when I told him to months ago I wouldn't have him now. The Spark is intense haha and our attraction is incredible, we've had crazy amounts of sex. check A.C. for that.

But he's a doll, Miz Sara Jane was broken up with last night and his first words were "fuck that guy, tell her to come over, should I go get alcohol?" He's a great guy and he is genuinely friends with my besties. Not to mention the fact that we talk-- like hold actual conversations, talk at length about feelings and how situations make us feel. I've never had this level of communication in a romantic relationship, and it's a crazy feeling. knowing that there's a guy that genuinely cares about how i'm feeling and will ask me and tell me how he feels. it's give and take at it's basest form and it's important to me.

A quick poem that caught my eye.

Here's a poem by ee cummings that caught my eye today:
i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

I even warned him with "I'm still new to this..."

And he replied "me too".

This one month fresh relationshit is already making me feel like I've
been in it forever. We have had some really pointless arguements, but
we've also had some really important talks I never had with other guys.
Ginger, the boy frenn, and I work-- although most of the time we butt
heads and I want to throttle him. He's got a bit of a possesive side,
he's a jealous type. That doesn't gel well with me sometimes because
I've got some really close guy friends, and I'm really affectionate.

I think a big part of it is all our excess tension and anger with each
other is funneled into our sex life. We get to be goofy with each other
when we're hanging out and sometimes even while we have sex we're joking
around. And then we get really intense sometimes, we've both got a kinky
streak a block wide.

We don't spend all our time together, and I don't think we've had a
phone conversation that's lasted longer than a minute thirty. Sometimes
I find myself wanting to cuddle-- odd I know-- and then we have bitch
fits.We're two people attempting to figure out monogamy for ourselves;
I'll keep you guys updated.

High Standards

In high school, I used to write down all the qualities I wanted my future boyfriend/husband to have. I'm doing it again… Not because I'm desperate. Not because I believe there is someone out there who can and will fulfill all of these requirements. But because I need to remind myself what I'm waiting for and what I'm worth. And plus, I'm a little bit older and wiser now. Perhaps that means something… =]


- I want a man who can cook and likes to cook. I'm a big girl. I like to eat. I need someone to share this passion with.

- I want a man who respects and cherishes his mother. His first relationship with a woman was the one with his mother. If that is bruised or broken, there's no real chance for me.

- I want a man who has good taste in music. He like the same things as I do. He can like better things than I do. But music is my passion and salvation when all other art/experience fails. 'Nuff said.

- I want a man who is educated and likes to learn/think. You don't need to be Ivy League, nor do you need to be a genius. But you better be intelligent, with an active mind, and know how to put forth dialogue and ideas.

- I want a man who doesn't always agree with me. Challenge my perceptions; try to break my paradigms. Sometimes, I just want you to fight with me. I don't want a "Yes Man"; I want an honest man who stays true to his convictions.

- I want a spiritual man. My religious/spiritual ideologies change weekly. But I always have faith in God, even when it's not positive. I need someone who prays when things are rough and hopes in a bigger Mystery.

- I want a man who is about his business. Be goal-oriented, driven, and handle your shit. No one wants a 30 year old who is still coastin'. Well, maybe some do… but not me.

- I want a man who makes me laugh. I have a mood disorder. I'm also quite sensitive and melodramatic. Shit hits me. I need someone who will pick me up and make me smile when shit hits the fan.

- I want a man who will go to battle with me. Whether you lay down in the trenches with me or are throwing grenades, I need someone who is going to help me fight and press on.

- I want a man who turns me on. Sexuality and desire is tricky. But it's still necessary in a good, healthy relationship. Whether we're fucking, touching, or just cuddling… I want to be attracted to him. I need him to know how to please me — in all ways.

- I want a man who is: patient, respectful, loyal, honest, open, and kind. These are the "Big Qualities" in relationships. I'm a lot to deal with, but I need to know that you will always be there. No matter what. I can promise you I will do the same.

- I want a man who won't cheat. I know I already mentioned loyalty. But niggaz try to get around this one. This means, NO KISSING, TOUCHING, OR FUCKING. Also, emotional betrayal counts, too.

- I want a man who communicates. I get it — men have been groomed by society to not be warm-n-fuzzy. Still, when you're pissed off, tell me. When you're horny, tell me. When you love me, tell me. And if you just want to talk, that's beautiful.

- I want a man who takes risks and loves the "new". I'm trying to do this myself, so it would help if I'm with someone who knows how to go on adventures and says yes to the opportunities and possibilities that Life presents.

- I want a man who is creative. I can't help it — I find artists sexy. What he creates is his business, but I need someone who loves and is as passionate about art and creating as I am.

- I want a man who knows a relationship is in the details. Yes, the sex can be off the hook. Yes, we can talk for hours and I can trust you unconditionally. But I want the small things to count, too. I want someone who will buy my tampons if I'm too crampy to go out and get them myself. I want someone who I can poop and fart around. I want someone who will bring me soup when I'm sick. I want someone I can be silly and comfortable with.

- I want a man who knows the definition of intimacy. It's not about sex or secrets. It's about willingness and vulnerability, in my opinion. I want to share and meld with you. I need a best friend, a real one.

- I want a man who will protect me. Fuck feminism. I want you to defend my honor and threaten to pummel anyone who disrespects or hurts me. I don't find it sexist, I find it romantic.


He's out there. I can feel it…

Oh, hello, lover…

I've been out of the loop since, like, January?

I guess this is what happens when your heart is broken and you shut yourself off from all social arenas, including romantic and sexual. But you know, I'm feeling a little transparent and reflective (is that possible?) right now. So why don't I just dive right in and tell you all about what's been un-happening in my Life?


As far as romance goes, there is none. Eventually, I'll have to stop giving Atu more credit than he deserves. He didn't necessarily break my heart. He hurt me, yes. And our relationship and certain events that transpired involving him caused me a great deal of pain and emotional turmoil. But I think I broke my own heart. He was an ass. But I wasn't exactly innocent either. It's getting easier to make my peace and come to terms with that clusterfuck of sexuality and emotional insanity, but it's still an uphill battle.

I would love to have crazy hot sex everyday and be in a steady relationship right now. I know that's not really what I need or what I want, though. (The sacrifices I make to be someone I can stand, right?) I think I'm seeking companionship, trust, and maybe some passion. When I was involved with him, I was seeking a lot of other stuff, too. I can't say those issues are resolved. But they're just not so urgent anymore.

It's a bitch when you realize (a) you're not like everyone else and (b) the things you seek will not come to you easily.


This thought has died now. Just be happy I'm back, bitches.

We've now entered the Outer Limits.

Soooo let's summarize what's happened since my last post [forgive me for
the delay in _DEFAULT. and such]: I'm now in a (mostly) committed
relationshit, made it through Lent, fucked the Ginger, had some of the
most fun at beer pong nights.

Hate to be a horrid tease but I've got to get ready for a date =] more
later, promises! メメメ

I guess its fight or flight..

So I like him. He's strong--emotionally.
He's very sincere, and doesn't bullshit with me..
I'm not guarded with him, not on the defensive..
and if I get mouthy he can take it ;)
I like it.

But already he's got this tendency to hold me to standards
I've never implied I can live up to. He calls me his Lady.
He gets angry when I don't respond to him the way he'd
like, and he gets jealous..Really jealous..
And then we fight.

And this is as a friend.
We've got no papers, We've made no promises.

So, ordinarily..I would assume his actions are
telling of a situation I want/need no part of
because I've been there done that and don't think
any penis is large enough to excuse ignorant behavior..
Ordinarily, I'd NEXT him.

But I like him.
This is going to sound dumb but a Porno I was watching (lmao)
had these 4 couples going to sex therapy or something and one
of the couples problem is that they argue like crazy..
Over dumb shit too, they'd argue like crazy and have crazy make-up sex.

The sex doctor says that they don't have an anger issue
or anything serious to worry about.. "Its passion"

But see, I don't know about that..I know that at the root of
every fight is someone's hurt feelings or bruised ego. And
it wouldn't be a problem if we didn't care... BUT
I've seen "passion" turn to rage turn to possessiveness and
even violence..and I'm really not the bitch to deal with that.

Anyway, somehow that couple found a resolution from
something the love doc said..but I don't remember bc I
was thinking ''enough storyline just get to the sex''
Ugh, guess I'll have to watch it again...

I don't know where he goes.

Well, Ginger has been making some advances. Not just sexual advances-- emotional ones. I've been fielding him for months, but he's always one step behind me. I've already told him the concept of commitment right now makes me antsy, and in turn he seduced me to take my mind off of it. He's clever....and that frightens me a smidgen. IDK HOW TO OUTSMART AN ARIES! haha as off the wall as that sounds, as a cancer, I'm not sure how to continue to field someone who's driven by the thrill of the chase! oohhhh fate thou art cruel.

When it feels good to be me..

That's when I'll know.

When it feels good to be me, whomever that may be..When I like the shape of my body, love the sound of my voice.. When I love the texture of my hair, the color of my skin. When I feel comfortable being alone.. When I see myself letting go of fear, discontentment, lack, and doubt.. When I laugh at the thought of censoring myself for the sake of anyone else.. When I can proudly say my name.. When I am eager to share my thoughts.. When I release preoccupation with opinons.. When I can take you to my favorite places.. When I can read you my favorite books.. When I can tell you about my dreams.. and where I'm going, and where I've been.. When I can sing you my own songs.. When I can accept a loss.. When I'm not consumed with being 'enough'.. When I see they're moving on and know I'm doing the same.. When I feel its okay to cry, When I learn from the pain as well as the joy.. When I can do it all by myself...

That's when I'll know I'm ready for you.
xoxo

Letter to Puberty.

Dear Puberty,

I'm a h u g e fan of your work in guys; you know, the deep voices, the
increase in testosterone, the muscles-- all of it. But I've noticed lately something you've been neglecting....height. What happened to this "growth spurt" guys get? I find myself being obscenely taller than some guys, and its become bad enough where we need to address it. Please get your shit together and work on my absolute favorite part of your work-- tall guys. Thanks so much, I look forward to your reply.

--T
p.s. I understand this trend of manscaping isn't your idea either, but if you could let guys know that I don't want to sleep with a woman otherwise I would, and it's alright to keep some hair that'd be great.