Goodbye to my Colorado Sunrise

I've decided it's best to cut my Colorado Sunrise out of my life, and this is my goodbye post to him:

You have been at best, a gentleman and a sweetheart; at worst, a charlatan and a prick. I won't deny that The Spark has been/was/is abound, but at this point your cons are heavily outweighing your pros, and I need to cut back on the amount of shit in my life.

This isn't entirely your fault and I don't want you to think it is. I have made my share of screw ups in this FWB relationshit, and I own up to them all-- unlike you. My first mistake was falling for the potential, as I often do, and then even after you showed how low on the scale you could slink, my next mistake was assuming that it didn't bother me. Of course it bothered me, what was I thinking?

That's just it, I wasn't thinking. When it comes to you, I act first, think later. And that's not the best plan of action, especially when I start to like you again. That was my next mistake. I know what you're capable of, what you've done, what you haven't done and still got emotionally invested. Like a cruel joke being played on me by Fate.

You're my Colorado Sunrise, that's a position you won't lose, but I can't have you in my life this way anymore. Its starting to get too muddled, confused and crazy. I want you in my life, certainly, but right now I've got to reassign you, and haven't found a play yet. I'm trying to take my time with the reassignment because the last time your job description changed [[from PBM (Potential Boyfriend Material) to FWB (Friends With Benefits)]] I kicked myself in the shins really.

You won't fight for me, and for that really I'm thankful, here's hoping I'll stick with my guns and do what's best for me. Letting this Sunrise finally set.

We're past the last straw, now we're onto plastic cutlery

I have had enough of mixt signals, dropped communication, and bullshit. I'm pulling the plug on this. I had a perfectly working system with my no strings attached fuck buddy, but some thing's gumming up the works. And the whole purpose of me not dating is so I can avoid this whole entrapment mess shit. I'm really done this time.

I really want to stick by the decision this time because I'm frankly tired of this game playing. No orgasm is worth this aggravation, and point blank neither is he. I'm just trying to have some fun, but if this fun comes at this kind of price, no sir.

So as of this point, I have resigned from this fuck buddy relationshit, and am taking a vacation from sex. I have a lot on my plate at this point anyhow, and I don't need something like this swelling and festering into a bigger issue.

So good bye, good night, and good riddance on this whole bit; let's pray I actually can keep it up this time.

Why are you so i n f u r i a t i n g?!

This is severely frustrating. I cannot believe that you're pulling this again, aren't we past evasiveness and being coy? Honestly when you pulled this stunt back when I really liked you, that was irritating enough, but now when you have been on top of me (as well as other things) you wanna do this again?

NO. I'm not one of those whores you fuck who don't mind if you drop them and pick them up when you're bored and alone. N O. I am a prize, I'm a fucking catch, so why don't you act like it? You're not God's gift to women, not by a long shot, and frankly I'm tired of you being a child.

MAN THE FUCK UP. I don't see why we suddenly have this communication problem, you've shown no problem with your ability to text in the past and so help me I don't see why you're starting this nonsense now.

We aren't exclusive and we're not dating, I'm well aware of that. "No papers, no promises" has been my heralding phrase from the get go, but its common courtesy to send at least a "what's up" to the girl you're sleeping with. I'm trying to be an adult, but I'm tired of being the O N L Y adult here.

I don't date because of nonsense like this, and it really pisses me off that you're bringing this nonsense into my sex life. I like you as a FWB because you fit what I'm looking for right now, and it works. But when you pull this shit, it makes me wonder what your fucking game plan is. Do you want to cockblock yourself? Because God's green earth, you've certainly done it. You know, the first day when you didn't text I wanted to punch you in the face and then have hot angry sex with you, but now? All I want right now is to fucking uppercut you in the fucking groin and as you fall to the ground in pain I wanna drop kick you in the throat.

You better pray when you text me again, I'm in a great fucking mood, otherwise I'm tearing you a new one. And what's funny is if I do rip you a new one you probably won't understand where it's coming from. You'll be sitting there reading my texts saying "what is going on? what did I do?" That's sad that you won't know what you did wrong, so I'll make it simple for you-- IT'S BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THAT I'M FUCKING ANGRY.

Rage. I have so much fucking rage right now, I cannot wait to hear from you so I can give you a piece of my mind. I'm really hoping that this is the last straw for me so I can really wash my hands of you and all your bullshit. But if it's not then you're gonna have to straighten up or get better at taking my frustrations. I've deleted your number, so this one's on you. The ball is in your court and so help me if you don't get on the game soon I'm just gonna tell you plain and simple, "Lose my number, pretend we never met, if you see me, be a pal and don't fucking talk to me. I'm done with you."

I swear, if you try to charm your way back in because you've got a feeling I'm upset, I'll go straight to reaming you, I will not pass go and I will not collect $200. Let's be the adults we're supposed to be, because I'm done babysitting. I like you, I really liked you, and I want you to stay in my life because you're great to be around-- but GAWDDAMMIT you're infuriating. Idk if you think I want a relationshit from you and that's why you're doing the Kansas City Shuffle, but I could never date someone who's okay with forgetting me. I could never get attached to someone who's alright with not talking to me. I don't want to fall for someone who has no problem leaving me hanging. So don't go getting a big head, you're not the only one out there.

Never that.

I had sex with him. Yes, I lost my virginity to him. And now, I don't even know what that means.

Prior to that, he had been MIA for almost a week. And since Saturday night, I've had VERY limited contact with him -- contact that I had to initiate, by the way. And now I'm scared. Because I did something with him that actually has value to me. As bitter and cynical as I am towards love and dating, I still believe SEX is something you do when you care. Well, it's something that I did because I cared.

The whole time we were doing it, I thought to myself, "I'm okay with this. I'm okay with letting him be my first... because I care about him. I really care about him. And that makes it okay."

But what if it's not okay? What if I made a huge fucking mistake? I keep trying to explain it away in my head: "You know what this means, Michelle. It means he's just not that into you. You'll be fine with it." But I'm not fine with it. I let you shove your fucking penis inside me... for like, half an hour! It was the first penis to ever be shoved inside me! That means something. I'm not okay with that not being validated and acknowledged. So fuck you, royally. And I don't mean literally. I mean, I hope karma comes back and rapes you in the ass.

I rewarded bad behavior with pussy. I don't think this makes me a whore. I don't think this makes me weak. I don't even think this makes me over it. But it makes me think over everything. It makes me want to throw up and scream and cry. It makes me want to throw a tantrum and slap him in the face and ram my Expedition into his fucking Corolla. It makes me really fucking angry.

I'm not an idiot. I knew that having sex with him wouldn't make him love me. I didn't want him to love me. I just don't want to be caught up in this anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of him. As much as I care about him, love him even... Maybe? Yes? As much as I am consecrated to these emotions -- I didn't sign on for this. "I just suck at staying in contact." That's bullshit. It wasn't until recently that you "sucked at staying in contact". The optimist thinks that you care about me, but you're trying to push me away. The realist in me thinks you're just an asshole.

I hate you. I mean it this time. As much as I care about you and would be torn apart if you died... I hate you. You're not a real man. You're a figment of a little boy's hero-worshiping imagination. And I don't have time for fiction, boys, or heroes. I just want a man. I just want you. No titles, no complications, no long-term plans. All I've ever wanted or cared about was YOU. And that's the part you don't get. Being called your girlfriend would be nice. Being thought about and knowing that I'm thought about is even nicer.

Gawd, I hope you have the shittiest fucking day today. I hope you get an STD today... or in a car accident. I hope something shitty happens to you. Because that's how you make me feel sometimes.

So yeah... FUCK YOU.

I want to say that I ain't havin' this...

but so far no luck. I've said it a million times the past few days, but it bears repeating because I haven't learned anything. "I wish I could choose how to feel, because these emotions aren't cooperating." But I still feel the need to punish myself for how I feel.

So I started liking him again, it's understandable, but I still feel like a failure. I was doing so well for so long with not liking him, but so help me I fell back into old habits like a nun. Shit, I want to wash my hands of this whole thing, but everytime I try, it never ends up happening.

It's got to be that masochistic streak I've got, I want to milk every last bit of misery from every opportunity I get. This is ridiculous, I tell myself "we're done. I'm not giving him a chance to encore the reason he was cut from the PBL in the first place." and what have I done?! I've set myself up again!

I'm worse than a junkie who tells themselves that this time we'll go to rehab and we'll get our shit together, only to go behind the rehab center to suck a dick for a fix. Ok...maybe not haha sorry that came from nowhere. But honestly I don't know what the fuck I've gone and done this time.

My downfall is always potential, that's where I shoot myself in the motherfucking foot. I always fall for what could be instead of just rolling with what's on my plate now. I give myself too freely emotionally because I want to feel secure, safe, what have you. But I screw myself everyway but sunday by doing that, but do I change my wicked ways? Do I change the game plan? Uhhh, NAH.

I'm disappointed in myself, there goes my concept of self control. I should keep in my head that its "no papers, no promises" so there's nothing tying the two of us together . But nooo, T can't seem to keep that shit in perspective when it matters; I'd rather be all business until I accidentally find myself falling for a guy again. Then I'm ass over tits in trouble.

James Baldwin, you had me at "Love..."

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

I got that tattooed on the left-side of my ribcage on January 8th, 2009. And it sums up everything that I feel about love, men, relationships, and how those all interplay into Life. My mom disagrees. She says love shouldn't be difficult, it shouldn't be work... It should be as easy as two people just fitting together.

Well, then, I've got a confession: He and I, we fit.

No one understands it. I don't even understand it... but it's true. You see, it never works when I try to delete HIM from my life. He's always there -- around every corner. But when I delete all the external noise -- what my friends and family think of him, what I've been told about romantic relationships -- and just let us live in the moment, we fit. It's literally like putting on that perfect pair of jeans. They make your ass look great, hug your curves in all the right places, but are still comfortable enough to wear on Thanksgiving or during your period.

Mmhmm... He's my Fat Girl Jeans Faux-Beau. Are we dating? -Ish... Are we exclusive? Nope. Do I care? Not in this moment. In this moment, I'm still high off of the post-"I got some play at 9:45 a.m." euphoria. (I'm still a virgin... At least, this week.) Do I think he could be a huge mistake in the end? Sometimes. But I'd rather learn that for MYSELF, from MY LIFE EXPERIENCES... than from faceless advice from some dating book or unwanted input from people who aren't me. That's not naivete. And it's not me trying to be rude. It's just the truth.

I can't explain it to anyone. But this is how it goes: we're in each other's lives to teach lessons and to provide a growth process. Any other guy, I would've figured it out by now -- we're over. And then, I just let it die. But this doesn't die. Shit, I wrote an obituary for it almost four months ago, but it's still alive! That says a lot.

All I know is that I love him. In my own twisted little way, I love him. Not on that, "first true love" tip. But on that, "You were the first mile that made my heart break a sweat" tip. And I'm still running this race.


I'll make my own mistakes from here on out, ignite my own infernos, and surrender to my own Chaos. Why the fuck not?!

=]

Well, what's your problem?

So Hands McCoy and I have obviously been body touching, and I figured I wasn't the only girl who's been in that bed. My suspicions were confirmed when I was over at his apartment Saturday, but much to my delight, I didn't care. So today I was thinking, "Hey I don't want to inadvertently cock block him, so I should suggest we make a system!"

I suggested it to him, and he said "ok" and then never texted me back about it. Is he butt hurt? I mean, we're not exclusive and I'm trying to assist our non exclusivity by setting up a system designed to help each other succeed. WHAT BEEF DOES HE HAVE WITH THAT?! No papers, no promises!! We're not dating and I'm not looking to date a n y o n e, least of all a guy who's wooed half the free world.

Stupid boys. He's either upset that I'm considering other guys besides him, upset that I called him out (when I wasn't, I was stating fact), or he wanted to think he was a pimp and I was just a silly girl who didn't know any better. Silly boy, you can't play me, I have the pussy I make the rules. Someone just didn't let you know, I'm the Alpha boss bitch in this working relationshit, and you're the boy who's lucky enough to get a taste.