A crush or a curse?

I have feelings for a boy again, and before you call me any names can I just say that I’ve known this kid for a year and some change. I’ve always had a bit of a flirtationship with him, but I’ve never thought of him as anything but a pleasant guy who’s kinda cute. He’s not my type: quiet, shy, really smart and a straight edge. But there’s something about him that’s engaging and intriguing and funny. He makes me smile and his smile is so sweet.

Maybe I miss the sweet type of guys? You think that’s what’s causing this sudden influx of emotions for a boy I never gave a second glance? Ugh, it’s my old adage coming back to hit me in the mouth, “it shouldn’t be love at first sight, but love at second glance.” Fuck.

A shortage of men.

In this day and age of being able to find anyone in the world, why is it there is a definite shortage of men? Statistically for every 100 women there are 106 men, so where have all they gone? Is it that the men are simply sitting back waiting for the women to find them? What the hell happened to chivalry?

If you ask some guys (notice I say "guys" not "men"), they'll tell you the rise of feminism (the longest four-letter word in a guy's vocabulary) is what cut the world of romance to shreds. Gone are the days of a man and woman marrying and her staying home and tending to her husband's needs before her own. Gone too are the days of a woman deferring to her husband everything, including her right to provide for her children.

I say, guys have just grown lazy. In today's society women are accomplishing more than ever before, and guys have decided to make themselves "one step ahead" by making themselves just another thing for women to accomplish. Well, screw you guys. I don't need you or your nonsense.

Marriage? I'll marry myself or one of my gays before I "settle". Kids? Hell, I'll turkey baster that shit. Sex? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, please, I can take care of myself better than you can, any day of the week. Protection? I pity the fool who decides he wants to get crunk on me, he's got another thing coming to him.

Guys have little to no necessity in our lives, so why do so many put so much in their stock? When did we decide that we were going to regress?

=)

I got my wish.

I didn't get three whole hours in his bed. But I got about 20 minutes of hot, raw passion (so cliche, I know!)... and then we cuddled afterwards. He even fell asleep with his arms around me. If he were my boyfriend, it would've been one of those Hallmark images of love that wind up on 16 year old girls' MySpace pages under "Who I'd Like to Meet": "A gUii dat wiLL hOLd mEE lyKkE diiZ." Instead, it was a nice moment with someone that I have a lot of history with.

Sex is never the way it's portrayed on TV and movies. Well, I guess it depends on what kind of TV/movies you're watching... For the sake of this entry, we're excluding porn. Anyways. I always, always thought it was going to be this saccharin, flowery experience in perpetual soft-focus: giggles, whispers, tender, staring into each other's eyes, etc. It's really not like that at all. It's invasive, raw, vivid, and a little animalistic. And it's really fun. They don't tell you that it'll be fun.

Ask me two years ago if I'd be this woman, have these views on sex and men and relationships... and I would've scoffed. Literally. The only time anyone ever "scoffs" is in fiction. I've never really seen or heard someone scoff in real life. But alas, I would've scoffed! "Ew, no!" But that's the difference between maturity and having more realistic views on sexuality and relationships. And yeah... I have matured and I have gained insight. And no, I don't feel like a brazen hussy.

I hope one day, I will have that romantic, saccharin experience... but I hope it won't be flowery or in soft focus. I hope it'll still be raw and vivid and fun. I hope I'll fall madly in love with someone who's madly in love with me... and will want to do all those gallant, charming boyfriend things. Or even those small, ordinary boyfriend things. But I just hope it'll still feel as real and exciting and comfortable and in-the-moment as the past year and some change has made me feel. I don't want to lose that spark, that fire! Even when I was hurt and pissed off and frustrated, it was still happening -- it wasn't passive.

Has coming into myself as a sexual being what I expected it to be? No. Was falling in love (sort of) everything I always imagined it'd be like? Hell no. Was he the Man of my Dreams? Not after the delusions wore off. But there is something I've gained from this experience, this relationship, this person that has been so valuable and affirming in a way. And I'm so thankful for this experiment and crash course in Love 101: Introduction to Men, Dating, Relationships, and Sex. But now I'm ready for the advanced studies...

I need s-e-x!

I'm rabid.

For the first time in my life, I'm horny and rabid. Fantasizing, masturbating, ignoring -- none of it will work. I need a good two (or three) hours with him -- no cell phone, TV, or conversation. Just lust and bodies and sweat. I never ever thought I'd say this. Let alone, I never thought I'd say it on the Internet for everyone and their mother (including my mother!) to read... but here I am.

Last week, it was my period. This week, it was my faulty immune system. I swear to God -- yes, I do! Don't talk to me about sacrilegious! -- if I don't have some MAJOR play by this time in two weeks, I'm going to hurt someone or something. Or lots of someones or somethings. Don't test me!

Almost 20 years of of being shy and kosher and coy about sex... and it's all imploding on me as the only thing I can think about nowadays is his hands all over me and me doing things that would make my parents VERY uncomfortable to see. And I don't care one bit. I mean, I hope I'm not turning into some loosey-goosey slut. But at the same time, I've been a very good girl for a very long time. And I think God owes me.

And don't you even come at me with "God does not sanctify lust and ho-ish activities". God wants everyone to be happy, okay? And having sex with him would make me VERY VERY VERY happy. I've put in love, time, effort, and frustration for the past 15 months with this guy. I love him to death. I hope he'll be in my Life forever... whether we're friends, lovers, soul mates, or bed buddies (maybe all four rolled into one?) I DESERVE one night in his bed, making him regret all the time he wasted trying to be a gentleman.

Save the gentlemanliness for the New York boys. I know this West Coast game now. All I want is a good ol' carnal tournament before I brave a VERY cold winter... and I'm not just talking about the weather.

When in doubt

"When in doubt, shut him out."
That's a lovely tidbit of homespun wisdom my Marine father bestowed on me. If I'm even wavering in my belief of a guy's affection for me, or if I ever question his loyalty-- cut him off.

I understand this, especially coming from his old days. Make a guy miss your attentions, affections and most of all you. Don't make it easy for him. Blah blah blah.

Why is there no advice to be handed from previous generations on what to do when you're so rabid, you're afraid to wank again because it'll launch you into nympho stats?

Now a bit of a science lesson.

Hey boys and girls, today we're going to learn about what I like to call "location-based infatuations"! These infatuations usually occur when you're with the same group for extended periods of time (i.e. retreats, classes, play rehearsals), and you find yourself unwittingly attracted to a guy there. Now this guy may or may not be your regular type, but you find yourself increasingly attracted to him over the time together. But once you're done with the group, and you see him again most times you're over it or you wonder why you were arse over tits for him.

And this is why! On a subconcious, biologically written level of your genetics, you're programmed to find a mate out of your "selection". When your "selection" is hypothetically lowered, you look for compatibility in what you do have "on hand". Which is why you may find yourself to someone outside your normal parameters, but he's biologically more compatible than others in the "selection".

Which in my case explains why I started to be drawn to a 16 year old, Chelle has jokingly nicknamed "YoungBallz", and we haven't had sex (don't worry that violates The Rules, for more on The Rules, check A.C.), but I'd be lying if I wasn't willing to break that rule for him. This is because of the compatibility your subconcious is looking for. Nevermind logic or having a say in the matter, I was sideswept and, I can't lie, I didn't mind it much.

Haha at least in my research I've discovered that this biological tick doesn't just affect women, it snags men--and in my case boys (yes I'm laughing at myself)-- as well. Just be careful, you'll never know if this level of compatibility c a n transfer over into the real world, or if it's better left to the "field of origin". Just use your best judgement and for goodness sake, GET TO KNOW SOMEONE BEFORE YOU GET NAKED TOGETHER.

Epiphanies-R-Us!

I have my closure. I have a happy ending -- if not THE happy ending I was hoping for. I know I will be all right.

This whole time, I've been thinking that my heart has a defined capacity for love. I can only love someone if they meet certain requirements, under specific conditions, and only if there's enough room. That's not LOVE (notice the difference between all caps and all lowercase). LOVE is infinite, unconditional, divine; it cannot be governed unless it is governed by goodness.

I love him. I love him dearly. But he was never "The One". I have made peace with that. I have made peace with the fact that sometimes you love people that may not love you back the same way. It doesn't mean they're wrong for not appreciating the love you give them, it doesn't mean you're wrong for giving them love they may or may not deserve. LOVE is selfless. To give it is to be good. It is to share. I'll never be the type of person that can withhold love. I don't believe in it. I believe in forgiveness, I believe in second and third and fourth chances -- in believing in the goodness in a person, no matter what kind of shit they've done. And I believe that sometimes, you just need to be there for people.

I'll always be that girl. I've been that girl since I was a tiny child -- even at four years old, I was taking care of and providing for my friends. I think it balances out all the shitty things I can do sometime.


But in saying all this, I have learned how to protect myself and my heart. When it comes to romantic love, you can't give yourself up too easily. When it comes to your heart, you want to make sure that it doesn't get broken. Not because it's not resilient and won't heal -- but because that shit hurts like hell! That's like, jumping from a second story window just because you know you won't die.

Not. Very. Intelligent. Duh.

I let him know how much I absolutely love and adore him and how much the past year impacted me. I told him I would love nothing more than to be in his life forever and ever -- a good friend if he decided that he needed me. And I let him know what a good person he is. Because he is. I shared with him. I LOVE him. And now, I surrender. What happens, happens. If we build a great friendship, that'd be AWESOME. If I move to New York and we lose touch... that would suck, but I still got what good times and lessons learned that I did.

And now, I give up and give in. I'm not swearing off men or dating or relationships for any indefinite amount of time. I don't want to be adverse or unavailable to falling in LOVE. I just don't want to seek it to willfully. I don't want to create it out of nothing. I want to discover it by happy fate and let it discover me. I will to fall into LOVE as it falls into place in my Life. I want to LOVE myself, my Life, my journey as much as I can before I love anyone else in that way.

So I surrender. I've been surrendering. I've been arriving at this destination for a while. But I'm finally here. I'm finally free. I've finally made my peace with everything. One day, it will all be mine. I'll know a love for someone -- THE love for THE someone -- that'll just... well, there will be no words. But first, I want to feel that for MYSELF. For MY LIFE.

Hmm... It's a new story, a new journey, a new light shining. A new beginning that I've got. And I LOVE it.

The End.