How to be a Bad Girl..

(according to Natalie (BGC))
1] Pick a WINNER
2] Give him the Rules
(ex. "When Natalie calls, you answer. If you want me to be good, you have to be good..")
3] If he wants to tie you down, He can wife you up
4] Don't cry over ANY man
5] DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO, regardless
6] Never tell on yourself..And don't get CAUGHT

Ugh, my problems with this.. Number 1, its difficult to find a Winner amidst a sea full of losers. I'm clearly not in the right environment for her SugarDaddy pool of contenders.. (don't even know if i'd want one) but I surely don't want a BOY-- jobless, carless, goal-less, his-own-private-location-to-fck-me-so-I-don't-have-to-be-quiet-less.. Its just not gonna work.

I like the idea of rules upfront. Especially because guys tend to approach every girl as if he wants a Relationshit..even if he just wants to hit. If we start Rule #1 as follows, This is Strictly Physical.. I see a host of avoidable issues erased. I'm not going to worry about who your spending time with (unless you're fucking). I could care less about a Holiday gift or a Valentine's chocolate (gagg) and the only thing i'm expecting is that you stay On-Call for the Booty Call..

Numbers 3, 5, and 6 go hand in hand I think. A bad girl doesn't have some boy with a 100% hold on her dictating what she does with her time. She won't call and check-in if he's emotionally checked out. Don't reward bad behavior with pu$$y...No matter HOW BAD you want it. Because odds are, if he's not with you putting it down..and you've got doubts..he's probably elsewhere and you need to make YOU priority 1 and just...don't get caught ;) (But really, I probably wouldn't cheat I'd just NEXT him and do my thing)

Mostly, a "Bad Girl" is just a smart female who approaches the opposite sex on an even playing field. We think like they do. We play like they do. And we cut it off just as easily, too.

The Spark.

I've met a guy we'll call Cowboy [[for that whole background mess checkk this AC post]] and it was all fun and games. And I was thinking "Thank you 2010 for sending a decent guy my way!" Until I realized we're not on the same page. He seems hellbent on getting me into a relationshit with his "I'm gonna be your knight in shining armor" and "You're mine" shit. I've calmly and very plainly explained I'm not one for relationshits, and all I got was a "I'll change your mind. I'm not like those other guys". A for effort, but let's be reasonable; he's not even listening to my side of things.

To his credit, he's a fantastic kisser, pretty good in the sack [[or car, AC post]], and he does and says all the things I've always said I wanted in a relationshit. I just don't want the relationshit I guess. He can say the sweetest thing and the dirtiest thing in the same sentence and it's completely natural. I like it, but the problem is I like the dirty tidbit waiting in the wings more than i do the heartfelt crap parading on stage. For example, "baby, you're so gorgeous today, it makes me want to bend you over this table and fuck you stupid. i don't care that there's people they can watch." Can you guess where my interest peaks?

My suspicion is that since The Spark is missing, all this potential isn't being used. I should be getting goosebumps when he kisses me softly and whispers something in my ear. I should feel giddy when I get a text from him. My heart should be skipping a fucking beat when he does the things I've wanted a boyfrenn to do! SOMETHING SHOULD BE HAPPENING! But no. I feel the same way about him saying he's gonna bring me flowers as I do about him telling me his dog died. I'm apathetic. and when he texted me this morning saying he didn't want things to just be sex between us, I froze.

WHAT GIRL DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR THAT SHE MEANS MORE THAN SEX TO A HOT GUY SHE'S INTERESTED IN?! apparently, I'm the only one. I'm not sure if The Spark is gonna be fashionably late, or not appear at all, but I'm worried if I stick around to see, he's gonna be trying to trick the l-word out of me-- that will not work for me. I don't want to string him along, I really don't, but if I'm gonna give him an honest chance knowing I'm already thinking of cutting him loose, how well is this gonna go? I can already feel my inner She-wolf grimacing at the idea of him saying that four letter word, and she's planning on getting us into trouble at the lingerie party this weekend to get us out of it. "No papers, No promises", she's saying. But do I want to run from every decent guy that comes my way, or is he just not it?

I'm ready for you, 2010

Welcome to 2010! So...this is what I've been waiting for. The New Year when things are supposed to be different in our relationshit. I've given my ultimatum. Too much more of the same and I'm gone. So far, I'd rate the change as 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. Is he calling my bluff? Was I bluffing? I want to have meant it..that I could easily wash my hands of this when I'd had enough. But more than that, I want him to have meant everything he said. "Time doesn't stop, Ma. It can only get better." I guess it wouldn't hurt to give him a little more time..ugh. I mean I've stuck it out this long. (and at least this time I've been putting my LBB to use and keeping my mind occupied)

It's an acquired taste.

Somehow I always find myself falling for the potential. That's my downfall, I look too much at the big picture, I lose the important details on teh way. 2010 is gonna be different. I'm going to follow my resolution: "only say what you can do". I'm gonna take it all as it comes and deal with it then.

Romance? ehh, not high on my list of priorities like sex is, but I guess I'll deal with it if it comes up-- highly unlikely though, thank goodness. Though I cannot deny The Spark; if it shows up, all I can do is follow it. With sex and sexual relations, I'll have to play it by ear, but of course since I've got the pussy, I'll be making the rules on that.

Dieting? uhhh no. let's be reasonable, what's the root of diet? DIE. I am gonna go hard on my dance and theatre shit though-- that's my hustle and what's gonna become my legacy. I can't be slacking on that!

bring it on 2010-- you're gonna be my bitch. mark these words.

Oh the irony...

...it never fails to just uppercut you in the mouth. I resign myself to ending the year with my body untouched, and single-- and then Ace waltzed in. Now I met Ace a year ago, roughly, and we hung out once and he left for school and that was literally the last I'd heard from him.

Well, he was in town and we hung out a few times, went to a club or two, made out and smoked out. We finally seal the deal and have sex at the end of the week, and it was GOOD [[of course more on that at A.C.]]. Then afterwards we hung out in bed and joked around, snuggled, fooled around, and had a quickie. But what struck me most was the fact that it was so intimate and tender after, he would look at me like he was seeing the sun for the first time, and he'd stroke my face and just smile at me. And at one point he sat up, looked at me, laughed a little to himself and kissed me on the forehead.

That blew my mind. Here I am riding off the crest of douchers I've encountered and here's a sweet guy who has a fantastic personality and he does this? Of course I did what made sense to do. Forget about it and not think about it until he's gone back to school and I'm alone. Now that I'm thinking about it, I kinda wanna strangle myself because now, like a lifetime movie, I've got a few options:
1] I chase him and it.
2] I forget about it.
3] Forget about it until I see him again and see how it goes from there.

I'm favoring option 2. Even though he is the closest to LOML material I've ever come.

Guidelines for Healing a Broken Heart

1. Don't text him.

2. Don't text him.

3. Don't text him (or call, e-mail, Facebook, MySpace, or Twitter). EVER.

4. Engulf yourself in music. Whatever music, whatever songs or artists or messages it takes.

5. Write about it. Put it on your blog, confess it in your journal, write a letter (don't send it), text your friends. Get it out.

6. Think about your pain on purpose. Accept the thoughts and emotions; they're going to come whether or not you welcome them. Have your moments... then press on.

7. Don't think about his new bitch.

8. Devise battle plans; you will need them eventually.

9. Embrace the magic and divinity of Time.

10. Cultivate yourself and Life and holism and God.

11. Convert to the religion of verbs: doing, doing, trying, infinitely doing and being and living.

12. Cry. Yell. Be pathetic. Don't let anyone shame you for it.

13. Rely on your friends. And again, be shameless about it. They're supposed to help dig you out of your hole.

14. Have a rebound with words, language, imagery, and imagination/creativity.

15. Learn from it. Suck out every little lesson you can.

16. Forgive.

BONUS CHALLENGE: Separate yourself in love, grace, and goodness; do not consecrate yourself to bitterness, hate, or hostility.

Love Thyself

At approximately midnight today, I get a text from The Nigerian:

He's seeing someone else.


I lied. I am in love with him. I'm mad as hell, hurt as hell. And I'm through. This is what permanence tastes like: bitterness.