A shortage of men.

In this day and age of being able to find anyone in the world, why is it there is a definite shortage of men? Statistically for every 100 women there are 106 men, so where have all they gone? Is it that the men are simply sitting back waiting for the women to find them? What the hell happened to chivalry?

If you ask some guys (notice I say "guys" not "men"), they'll tell you the rise of feminism (the longest four-letter word in a guy's vocabulary) is what cut the world of romance to shreds. Gone are the days of a man and woman marrying and her staying home and tending to her husband's needs before her own. Gone too are the days of a woman deferring to her husband everything, including her right to provide for her children.

I say, guys have just grown lazy. In today's society women are accomplishing more than ever before, and guys have decided to make themselves "one step ahead" by making themselves just another thing for women to accomplish. Well, screw you guys. I don't need you or your nonsense.

Marriage? I'll marry myself or one of my gays before I "settle". Kids? Hell, I'll turkey baster that shit. Sex? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, please, I can take care of myself better than you can, any day of the week. Protection? I pity the fool who decides he wants to get crunk on me, he's got another thing coming to him.

Guys have little to no necessity in our lives, so why do so many put so much in their stock? When did we decide that we were going to regress?

=)

I got my wish.

I didn't get three whole hours in his bed. But I got about 20 minutes of hot, raw passion (so cliche, I know!)... and then we cuddled afterwards. He even fell asleep with his arms around me. If he were my boyfriend, it would've been one of those Hallmark images of love that wind up on 16 year old girls' MySpace pages under "Who I'd Like to Meet": "A gUii dat wiLL hOLd mEE lyKkE diiZ." Instead, it was a nice moment with someone that I have a lot of history with.

Sex is never the way it's portrayed on TV and movies. Well, I guess it depends on what kind of TV/movies you're watching... For the sake of this entry, we're excluding porn. Anyways. I always, always thought it was going to be this saccharin, flowery experience in perpetual soft-focus: giggles, whispers, tender, staring into each other's eyes, etc. It's really not like that at all. It's invasive, raw, vivid, and a little animalistic. And it's really fun. They don't tell you that it'll be fun.

Ask me two years ago if I'd be this woman, have these views on sex and men and relationships... and I would've scoffed. Literally. The only time anyone ever "scoffs" is in fiction. I've never really seen or heard someone scoff in real life. But alas, I would've scoffed! "Ew, no!" But that's the difference between maturity and having more realistic views on sexuality and relationships. And yeah... I have matured and I have gained insight. And no, I don't feel like a brazen hussy.

I hope one day, I will have that romantic, saccharin experience... but I hope it won't be flowery or in soft focus. I hope it'll still be raw and vivid and fun. I hope I'll fall madly in love with someone who's madly in love with me... and will want to do all those gallant, charming boyfriend things. Or even those small, ordinary boyfriend things. But I just hope it'll still feel as real and exciting and comfortable and in-the-moment as the past year and some change has made me feel. I don't want to lose that spark, that fire! Even when I was hurt and pissed off and frustrated, it was still happening -- it wasn't passive.

Has coming into myself as a sexual being what I expected it to be? No. Was falling in love (sort of) everything I always imagined it'd be like? Hell no. Was he the Man of my Dreams? Not after the delusions wore off. But there is something I've gained from this experience, this relationship, this person that has been so valuable and affirming in a way. And I'm so thankful for this experiment and crash course in Love 101: Introduction to Men, Dating, Relationships, and Sex. But now I'm ready for the advanced studies...

I need s-e-x!

I'm rabid.

For the first time in my life, I'm horny and rabid. Fantasizing, masturbating, ignoring -- none of it will work. I need a good two (or three) hours with him -- no cell phone, TV, or conversation. Just lust and bodies and sweat. I never ever thought I'd say this. Let alone, I never thought I'd say it on the Internet for everyone and their mother (including my mother!) to read... but here I am.

Last week, it was my period. This week, it was my faulty immune system. I swear to God -- yes, I do! Don't talk to me about sacrilegious! -- if I don't have some MAJOR play by this time in two weeks, I'm going to hurt someone or something. Or lots of someones or somethings. Don't test me!

Almost 20 years of of being shy and kosher and coy about sex... and it's all imploding on me as the only thing I can think about nowadays is his hands all over me and me doing things that would make my parents VERY uncomfortable to see. And I don't care one bit. I mean, I hope I'm not turning into some loosey-goosey slut. But at the same time, I've been a very good girl for a very long time. And I think God owes me.

And don't you even come at me with "God does not sanctify lust and ho-ish activities". God wants everyone to be happy, okay? And having sex with him would make me VERY VERY VERY happy. I've put in love, time, effort, and frustration for the past 15 months with this guy. I love him to death. I hope he'll be in my Life forever... whether we're friends, lovers, soul mates, or bed buddies (maybe all four rolled into one?) I DESERVE one night in his bed, making him regret all the time he wasted trying to be a gentleman.

Save the gentlemanliness for the New York boys. I know this West Coast game now. All I want is a good ol' carnal tournament before I brave a VERY cold winter... and I'm not just talking about the weather.