=)

I got my wish.

I didn't get three whole hours in his bed. But I got about 20 minutes of hot, raw passion (so cliche, I know!)... and then we cuddled afterwards. He even fell asleep with his arms around me. If he were my boyfriend, it would've been one of those Hallmark images of love that wind up on 16 year old girls' MySpace pages under "Who I'd Like to Meet": "A gUii dat wiLL hOLd mEE lyKkE diiZ." Instead, it was a nice moment with someone that I have a lot of history with.

Sex is never the way it's portrayed on TV and movies. Well, I guess it depends on what kind of TV/movies you're watching... For the sake of this entry, we're excluding porn. Anyways. I always, always thought it was going to be this saccharin, flowery experience in perpetual soft-focus: giggles, whispers, tender, staring into each other's eyes, etc. It's really not like that at all. It's invasive, raw, vivid, and a little animalistic. And it's really fun. They don't tell you that it'll be fun.

Ask me two years ago if I'd be this woman, have these views on sex and men and relationships... and I would've scoffed. Literally. The only time anyone ever "scoffs" is in fiction. I've never really seen or heard someone scoff in real life. But alas, I would've scoffed! "Ew, no!" But that's the difference between maturity and having more realistic views on sexuality and relationships. And yeah... I have matured and I have gained insight. And no, I don't feel like a brazen hussy.

I hope one day, I will have that romantic, saccharin experience... but I hope it won't be flowery or in soft focus. I hope it'll still be raw and vivid and fun. I hope I'll fall madly in love with someone who's madly in love with me... and will want to do all those gallant, charming boyfriend things. Or even those small, ordinary boyfriend things. But I just hope it'll still feel as real and exciting and comfortable and in-the-moment as the past year and some change has made me feel. I don't want to lose that spark, that fire! Even when I was hurt and pissed off and frustrated, it was still happening -- it wasn't passive.

Has coming into myself as a sexual being what I expected it to be? No. Was falling in love (sort of) everything I always imagined it'd be like? Hell no. Was he the Man of my Dreams? Not after the delusions wore off. But there is something I've gained from this experience, this relationship, this person that has been so valuable and affirming in a way. And I'm so thankful for this experiment and crash course in Love 101: Introduction to Men, Dating, Relationships, and Sex. But now I'm ready for the advanced studies...