The Days

It's been over a week since I last spoke with him. It's four days into this Divorce.

I'm starting to feel weak, like I might falter. But I know I won't. It's sad, how "love" can become like an addiction. That's when I question whether or not it was love. I mean, it feels like I'm going through withdrawal symptoms. Anxiety, tension, irritability. It's all there... it's all ridiculous.

It's funny. Now that I'm NOT having relationship, dating, or sex drama... I'm posting in this blog again. It took 18 months of emotional turbulence, a broken hymen, miscommunication, and an STD. And then it took inner chaos and pathetic, floor-bound crying spells. But I'm finally at this point of just really wanting to BREATHE, which also means having the space to breathe and allowing myself that breath and that space.

So many of the women and individuals I admire strong, independent, and self-determining. They own who they are, they own their image and sexuality and how the world perceives them. They dominate; they are not controlled. That is who I want to be. And I'm not saying that falling in love or being in a relationship means that a woman becomes controlled... I'm saying that I become controlled.

Ick!

It's weird. It dawning on me that now I have a freedom, an opening and beginning that I wasn't viewing clearly before. I was afraid to be apart from him for so long, apart from any man. It comes down to that whole "missing out" thing, I guess? But that's not the case. My heart is free. I don't owe anyone anything.

I mentioned to Therese that I really want to reinvent myself. It's a thought I've had since September. That's when it sprouted. Really, it's been there for much longer. I mean, that's partially why I came to New York -- to start a new Life, to expand. Now, I want to push that even further: I want to start a new me, I want to push the boundaries of who I am. I want to be a me without boundaries.

I do not know who this Michelle Jackson 2.0 is, though. I do not know where she lives, what she does, who she knows, what clothes she wears. I mean... it's almost morbid, in thinking about becoming "someone else". It's almost as if who I am now has to die. I don't want that...


Basically, I do not know anything right now. But it's okay. I don't have to. I can just keep pushing, pushing, pushing forward until...

A burst.