Reader's Digest version of my week.

Chep texted me the other day, and thank God, no nostalgic longing or romance swept over me. Just annoyance because he didn't spell anything right. He's trying to keep me interested, I recognize this tactic, the occasional lure to make a girl think you're thinking of her, and miss her. I've used it-- on him. haha and he thinks I'm not going to realize he's using one of my tricks? Silly boy, that's why you were cut to begin with. He's still doing nothing with his life, so what would redeem him to be back on my list?

I'm still on the lookout for some body touching sadly, and my search is turning up blank. My dreams are getting more and more explicit and more and more detailed. It's going to be my undoing. I've started gaugeing every guy I see, and it gets kind of annoying when I'm doing it to guys who are like family.

I'll end this short post with this question, "Why is it when a girl's looking for chivalry, it's nowhere to be found. But when she's looking for debauchery, all the bad boys are reformed?"

Rabid enough to outsource.

I am so rabid [[note: that's my word for being: randy, horny, aroused, turned on etc.]] that I've taken to replacing the sex I'm not having with naughty books. Not like romantic novels, or just erotic literature, but actual literal works. "Diary of a Sex Fiend" has comforted me on the fact that I'm not the only woman who seems to be "gagging for a shag" as Abby Lee puts it. "Confessions of a Working Girl" had me actually considering a job in a brothel. "Nights in Black Lace" helped me decide I want a man who can make me feel dirty and girlish at the same time.

I haven't gotten any body touching or even a hot and heavy make out session since Chep in AUGUST. That may not seem like that long of a period to some people, but to me I'm at the end of my tether wishing for a bit of slack. I'm going off the wall so much I'm running the risk of desensitizing. Vibrators and the like are fine and dandy-- to supplement REAL SEX-- but on their own they're not fulfilling my needs.

It's starting to affect my emotions, this sexual drought I find myself in. I'm short tempered and at times a raging bitch. For example, some guy said I'm a bit forward about sex and any other time I would've laughed it off or talked about it. But oh no, not today. I tore him a new one about how it's my body and I can do what I want. Poor thing didn't know what was coming. But it's true! It's my pussy, I'll do what I want. I'm a big girl now, I know what I want, like and need.

Ugh, for my sanity and for the sake of everyone around me, let's hope I get some soon.

Good Riddance, and Good Bye.

Tonight I've been thinking about every guy in my past, and how my life was when I was with them. I was always so enthusiastic about every single relationship--giving my all, every single time like it was the first relationship. I think it just shows the tenacity of my heart; how it gives unconditionally and still keeps a optimistic view on love.

But even with all the giving and giving of myself, I wasn't relieved to be free of the relationships until my heart grieved for each one. I never thought to make a "Good Riddance List" until now, and most times I never got the chance to be vindictive. I'd have loved to metaphorically shove every memory and sweet kiss into a big cardboard box and shove it onto their doorsteps. Having never gotten the chance to do so, and being inspired by Rihanna's "Breaking Dishes" (I'm kicking asses/ I'm taking names/ I'm on flame/ don't come home babe/ I'm breaking dishes up in here/ I am killing time, you know bleaching your clothes/ I am roasting marshmallows on the fire/ And what I am burning is your attire) I'm going to create the Ultimate Good Riddance Blog.

Let's start from our first boyfriend, Blue Eyes. Blue eyes was a family friend's nephew and we hit it off right away. We didn't get together till 2 years after we first met, and soon after I found out he was kicked out of his private Christian school for selling pot. I thought nothing major of it at the time, and he was sent to military school. We broke it off after 4 months, and then he went into heavier drugs, and a seedier scene. I've only seen him once since, and everytime we talked on the phone, he was worse and worse off. If I could say one thing to him after all this time it'd be, "Wow. You've really gone downhill. Doesn't this seem like a sign to get your life together?"
Now onto his list:
-he wasn't one for deep conversation, in fact I can't remember a single conversation we've ever had;
-his breath was always weird, now I have a feeling it was the drugs he was using;
-he sold drugs, more evidence of his idiocy;
-and finally, he never once told me how fabulous I was. I know this may seem odd, but if you're in a relationship, it should always make you feel better about yourself, and you should never have to question if you're appreciated and adored.

Next boyfriend on the list is Jock. I'd love to tell him "you may have mind fucked me for years, but at least I'm not the one who's still in high school." We've already got his background so we'll head straight to the list:
-he would leave all the move making to me and take credit for it, citing he didn't want to take the relationship anywhere I didn't feel comfortable, too bad the one where you'd think this little rule would apply it didn't (sex, I was underage and he was 18, at least, but I let him think I was a virgin);
-he never took me to a single school dance our entire year+ relationship, I'd show up at the dance and he'd already be there, with some girl on his arm, after either saying he wasn't going or not talking about the dance at all;
-we never did anything outside of football games or school, showing how our relationship meant to him, we were simply something that didn't exist once he left school;
-I never met his family during our relationship, and after nearly a year, and him saying how much I meant to him, you'd think this was important;
-girls always seemed to be "kissing him", more than once he'd tell me that some girl either kissed him or tried to kiss him, that doesn't bode well for us;
-he was telling the football team about me, and not all of his "stories" were true, I kept getting wind of this "story time" but he would always deny it. He like to say "the only people you can trust are me, Jeff and Cameron. We'd never lie to you" but when Jeff and Cameron both come up to me talking about the stories Jock would give, and asking me for confirmation, that was a sign someone was lying to me;
-he was constantly breaking up with me, that sounds harsher on me than it really is, but he was always seeming to be on the verge of leaving me. whether he meant for me to always beg for him to stay or chase after him, I'll never know, but because I was young and naive, I did it. Now thinking about it makes me cringe, no man who really loves a woman will ever mess with her emotions like he did me.

The next fellow on my list of relationshits is the one we'll call Mr. Huh. He was a close friend that became a friend with benefits. We decided to try dating for a bit, but all of our chemistry and spark really came when we were unattached, so us as a couple didn't last long. It was in fact so short, many of my friend's aren't and weren't aware we were ever an item, let alone touching bodies, so when I bring him up now, they're like "Huh? Who's that?". What's funny is I have nothing to say to him, not even after making this list. His list is as follows:
-he was the typical so-cal beaner, in a gang, often truant, no immediate or long term plans to do anything with his life;
-didn't value me as a woman, let alone an equal. He would pull the typical "if-I-can't-understand-it,-why-is-it-important" bit often when I brought up college or the future;
-partied more than he saw me, along with sleazy whores who would be all over him when we were together;
-wasn't a gentleman, at all. His friends not only knew we were hooking up, but often leered at me like they were next in line;
-made me feel used once, and I will never feel like that again.

I took a hiatus from the dating world for a year after Mr. Huh, but picked up again with Sighh. We call him "Sighh" because he is to date, the longest relationshit I've ever been in. He was generally sweet, shy and pleasant the beginning of our relationshit, but soon enough the true colors showed through. He became controlling, jealous, possessive, and whiny. He was sigh-worthy at first, then as time went on it because an exasperated sigh. What I'd love to tell him is, "You've not only made me second guess my dreams and be more determined than ever to shake the dust of you, but you've also made me swear off Mexicans." His list is:
-not the brightest crayon in the box, his only topics of conversation were cars, defense in football, and his family. anything else was lost on him and he wouldn't speak;
-he never made an effort to get to know my friends or to speak when we hung out because they were "too crazy" or "too loud". we always hung out with his friends;
-he also never made an honest effort to get to know my parents, especially not my dad. he was always so "afraid" so we were alwaysat his house;
-he had no plans for his life, and had the nerve to try to plan my life alongside his deadend one. The extent of them was we were going to get married, I wasn't going to move with my family, move into his mother's two bedroom house with his whole family, or go to USC. RUDE. He also got mad when I would bring up college plans or ask for his;
-he had a temper problem, I never saw this one coming, but when I was with my gay older brother--now let me repeat that, my gay older brother-- he called me and flipped out on me because I was "with a guy without him";
-he was so manipulative, be it guilt trips, or temper tantrums, or old fashioned intimidation, we did what he wanted and there was little room for me to do anything else. I was talking to his pregnant sister-in-law and his younger sister, I didn't hear him calling me, so he came outside, yelled at me and grabbed me. I got so upset I hit him and he lost it. That was the beginning of the end;
-he was a hypocrite. He could have female friends, I couldn't have male friends. He could have plans for the weekend with his buddies to party, I couldn't go to the movies with friends. I did it all anyway, and did more to spite him, more signs that it wasn't going to work;
-he cheated on me. I was devastated sure, but it was fleeting. The next day I went on a date with Jock, after spending most of the afternoon with Mr. Huh in his apartment. We were over by the end of the week.

The last boyfriend I've had was BS. Words of wisdom for him? "Get off your ass. Cut your hair. Get a new job. Grown the fuck up." His list:
-he was so damned lazy. he never wanted to work, go to class, drive or do anything that wasn't smoke weed or play video games;
-he was in college but had no plans. So not only is he wasting his life, but also wasting his parent's money;
-never followed through, when I first met him he had plans to be a child psychologist and work with troubled teens at the Y, etc. Then once we were together, I noticed that all the grand plans he had were just facades and screens. They all fell through and he is still at the same dead end job he bitched about our entire relationshit;
-never wanted to do anything in the outside world, he was a recluse and tried to make me do the same. After Sighh, I was a bit more impervious to guilt trips, but its the damn giving I do;
-didn't care for his personal hygiene like he should have, if you're going to have long hair and facial hair, take care of it. this isn't the hippy era and dammit, you're not cute. it was charming at first but really? not attractive;
-was embarrassing in front of people, there is never a need to grope me in public. PERIOD. Respect me, don't try to make me seem like some sex toy, or mark your territory in front of guys. It's rude and annoying;
- was oftentimes rude to my friends, and that's inexcusable. They were here before you and they'll sure as hell be here after, so if you want to stick around, you make nice with them;
-never met my parents, I've brought him to meet my parents loads of times, but this asshole never said a word and always made up some excuse to be late and leave early. I guess I was not worth meeting my parents, and I know I'm that and more;
-didn't respect me, this is on his list twice because it just irks me. especially towards the end (translation:when I got fed up), he was so disrespectful to me, treating me like some mindless woman who caters to his every whim, that it made me resent him;
-his drug stories, I don't care if you used to do acid or ecstasy, that's your business, but don't name drop every chance you get. you're not an expert, and its really annoying. AND don't tell me what drugs I can and can't handle, I'll be the judge of that, asscock;
-his heroes were Cheech and Chong, the Big Lebowski, Johnny Depp's character in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and hippies. Does this not say it all?;
-was a one trick pony, if the conversation didn't involve drugs, video games or his heroes, then he was utterly useless and would sit sullenly in a corner while me and friends discussed politics, philosophy, and religion. then he would bitch about how I ignored him all afternoon, etc;
-resented my intelligence, on more than one occasion he would snap at me "well we can't all be geniuses like you". Its not my fault you don't go to class, let alone open a book, so don't get mad at me because I'm correcting you.

Now the last boy officially in my dating history is Chep, we've had a minor background on him, but we'll go in a bit deeper. We met through Jock my freshman year of high school, and kept in touch till this past summer. He had a huge thing for me my sophomore and junior years of high school, but we never acted on it, because I didn't feel the same way about him. We would randomly contact each other the next few years, and when I finally went back to California this past summer, he was so excited to see me. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to fit him in, but he showed up at a surprise party for me. I was thrown for a loop, he wasn't the awkward geeky kid I remembered from high school, he was HOT. He was still quirky and charming, and we started talking at the party. There was mutual body touching, and promises we didn't mean, ending with me coming back to Texas. What I'd love to say to him is, "You've got all kinds of potential and you've been methodically flushing your life down the toilet. Just call it a day, your ego is too big to fit down the drain." Here's his list:
-he messes around with high school girls, and he's 21. wow, way to have standards, buddy;
-he isn't in school, nor does he have a job;
-he is content to ride through life, doesn't have any dreams of changing his life;
-he wants to be a rapper, in my opinion for most this is a cop-out, you don't want to have to work or do anything but party, so you're going to do a job that requires minimal input time. If you're not constantly working on your music, or in a studio and all you do is say "I wanna be a rapper", then get over it, you're never going to be one;
-he thought he was using me for sex, silly boy. I get what I want when I want it, you never get in my pants unless I want you there, don't think you charmed your way in against my wishes;
-he told his roommates about us hooking up, and then tried to have me hook up with some guy a few nights later. this is another time I was disrespected. I chewed him and the guy out but good;
-he thought and still thinks that he's got me wrapped around his finger. arrogance is not becoming of anyone.

Now a quick little shout-out section to the guys in my life who've played a minor role in my love life:
-Jeffery Howard, for being my first crush ever, you weren't the most graceful about turning me down, but you did set the precedent for me to always be wary;
-Stephen, for being exactly who you are, and you know why you're on here;
-Twin Steven, for being that friend who we always had the potential to be more, but wanted to preserve the friendship, thank you for always putting my needs first;
-Fuckbaggerson, for being that potential out-of-this-universe love then totally cocking it up, you saved us both a life of grief, though you didn't have to be a total fuckass about it;
-G-baby, you were literally the first "love of my life" and our flirtationship or whatever it was lasted 5 years, you showed me that I deserved to always be adored, and reminded of how amazing I am. Though after 5 years of near misses, failed chances, and constant close calls, we never had the chance to see where we could have ended up, I'll never regret a moment of it.

The thing about retrospect is that it's a double-edged sword; a beautiful think that shows you all the ins-and-outs, but its a tool that shows you how you've totally and utterly fucked up. Looking at these lists, and making them, shows me how totally unfit all these guys were to date me. Also, how much time I wasted in dead end relationshits, and how much energy I expended trying to make them work. I've learned now that these guys were stepping stones, and the compilation of these stories, these guys, will help me to be a smarter hopeless romantic. I'll be able to navigate the dating world with my homemade map, and avoid the pitfalls and oneway streets I've already ventured down. I'm following my own rules now, rules I've cultivated through my own personal experience, and one of the most important ones is "No papers. No promises." If he's not committed as much as I am, there's no point in me putting it and him on some pedestal; if I'm not adored as much as I should be, he's not gonna be the only one-- if at all.

This is the beginning of the rest of my love life, and I already know where it's all headed for. Gaspard Ulliel. I've decided I'm going to be the future Mrs. Therese Marie Crews-Ulliel; it's fated, and whether it happens or not, it doesn't hurt to have my standards high. It'll keep me from having to make another "Good Riddance List".