When we first started talking... God, it was amazing! I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't. Everything about you just made me smile. Your hugs, your smell, your smile, our conversations. Especially our conversations. And the way you would flirt. It felt like I was finally getting what I wanted. It felt like I was finally getting my fairytale romance. You know, the ONE thing I've probably wanted since I was about seven years old.
And then... nothing happened. We kept talking, hugging, smiling, and flirting -- but that's it. I should've ended it then. Like my mother said. Because if you were about something, then you would've been about something from the beginning. You would've been considerate of the fact that I was 19 years old and had never been with anyone before -- I had never even been on a date. You would've tried harder. But instead, you decided to not try at all. And when I called you on it, you said it was because "you wanted me to take charge".
Bullshit.
You've been bullshitting me since the very beginning. Because the truth of the matter is: If you wanted to be with me, you would've by now. I wouldn't be your friend, your favorite, your nothing... I would be your girlfriend. And I'm not. So I need to move on. I do. I keep trying to find reasons to keep you around. But I can't anymore. I have driven myself INSANE for you. I have lied to be with you, cried to be with you, TRIED to be with you. And I'm not.
And I feel like such a fool. And I'm so hurt. And I'm so mad. Because I love you. I really do. Am I in love with you? I don't know. I don't think it matters. What matters is that I've loved you. I've wanted to be YOUR girl this whole time... and I'm still not. And I keep trying to blame people -- my mom, you, God, myself. Because then it'd hurt less. Because I never wanted to hurt like THIS for a guy again. But there's no one to blame. We just didn't work out. And I pray to God that I have the strength and emotional constitution to move on this time. Because I'm not a weak girl. And I'm not down to settle for less.
I want to say that I'll be able to get over you while still being your friend. But I don't think this is one of those cases. And I'm praying that it is. I'm praying that with each day that I wake up, I love a little less of you. But that I'll still be able to smile when I see you and talk to you. But I don't think I will be. And that hurts. It hurts so much. Because I'll still have to see you. I'll have to walk into work everyday and be reminded that you are on the other side... Be reminded of the first time we kissed. Or when you finally told me you liked me. Or when I lost my virginity to you. And that SUCKS.
And I don't think anyone has thought of how much that would suck for me. People either tell me that I should get over you, or I should just wait and see... But they don't realize how either way, it's going to eat me up inside. YOU don't see how it eats me up inside. It sucks that I can't be happy for my best friend... that she's fallen in love for the first time. Because I'm so insanely jealous that it's not me... insanely in love with you. It hurts when I have to keep my ears open at work, to see if you've been honest about your relationship to the other girls. It sucks when I am in your car or at your apartment... and I see remnants left from other girls -- sunglasses, your ex-girlfriend's monogrammed towels, text messages.
Because every time I go through THAT, I get bombarded with all the memories of when we first started... or when I felt like we were really going somewhere... or just plain good memories.
No one understands how much that really FUCKING SUCKS. And how I'm sitting here, bawling my fucking eyes out right now, snot running down my upper lip. And I just wish you would call or text more. I wish you would ask me to hang out... at all. I wish... you would've been the person I thought you were from the beginning. Because then I wouldn't feel pathetic. And I wouldn't feel like a fool. I wouldn't feel like I had just been played.
I wouldn't feel like you broke my fucking heart.
I just wouldn't feel.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
"It's different now"
What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I mean, I know what it means to me-- it means that just sex isn't the only thing that's at stake anymore. It means that this goes beyond physical and chemical attraction. It means that I want more from you, from us. To him, who knows what it means. I just know that nothing seems to be different, and really that's frustrating.
I'm sticking to my guns, I know that I've said that time and time again, but I mean it. I've got the feeling we've got the potential for an out-of-this-world, cosmic level love, but if I keep caving to his games and ridiculous mixed signals, instead of making him work for it then we'll get no where.
When I do all the leg work, etc, then it's almost like I'm rewarding bad behavior, or showing him that no effort is necessary with me and that I'm fine with being a backseat to everything else. NO DAMMIT. I am worth the effort [[and then some]], and it's not like I'm asking to be the most important thing in your life [[so help me, I'd sooner knife you in the groin]]; I'm simply asking to be considered a favorite part of your life, someone you like to spend time with and talk to. That's it. I've got my own shit to deal with, so I'm not asking for some crazy off the wall commitment.
Just commitment, tell me that you're just as into me as I'm into you and show it. That's all I'm asking...we can worry about marriage and all that years down the road haha
I'm sticking to my guns, I know that I've said that time and time again, but I mean it. I've got the feeling we've got the potential for an out-of-this-world, cosmic level love, but if I keep caving to his games and ridiculous mixed signals, instead of making him work for it then we'll get no where.
When I do all the leg work, etc, then it's almost like I'm rewarding bad behavior, or showing him that no effort is necessary with me and that I'm fine with being a backseat to everything else. NO DAMMIT. I am worth the effort [[and then some]], and it's not like I'm asking to be the most important thing in your life [[so help me, I'd sooner knife you in the groin]]; I'm simply asking to be considered a favorite part of your life, someone you like to spend time with and talk to. That's it. I've got my own shit to deal with, so I'm not asking for some crazy off the wall commitment.
Just commitment, tell me that you're just as into me as I'm into you and show it. That's all I'm asking...we can worry about marriage and all that years down the road haha
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Sleeping with the Enemy
I was listening to Dr. Laura on the radio today and this woman and her husband call in. The wife tells Dr. Laura a bit about her childhood and how unhappy it was. She gives her summarized version of life at home and how she is for the most part happy, loves her children, loves her husband, her job, but still she finds herself on the brink of divorce.
The doc asks how that could be. The lady goes, "Well, I don't know we've been married for eight years and.. .well there's been abuse. In eight years of marriage there have been 4 different occasions. . 4 violent fights.. is that too many?" Dr. Laura tells the woman, "One time is too many. I have a 1 blow, zero tolerance policy." [There's a long silence] Dr. Laura addresses the husband, "John? So you've been beating on your woman?" He tells her yes, its true he has been violent towards his wife on four different occasions but he says he was not the only one who brought arguments to a physical level.
I found it very interesting that this fact shifted Dr. Laura's stance on the issue. She asked the wife if she had hit her husband John on any of these four occasions--to which she admitted yes, she had. She asked the wife if she felt she had been striking her husband in self-defense and the woman very adamantly assured Dr. Laura that she felt her involvement in the fights were always in self-defense. Then came the golden question, "Ok, which one of you throws the FIRST blow?" After a very long silence, the husband and wife say that in their last fight, he had--but in all of the ones before she had initiated violence.
This seemed to kind of piss off Dr. Laura and she asked the woman why she failed to disclose that information in the beginning--why did she lead her to believe that she was a battered housewife.. The woman quickly apologized, saying "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to mislead you." "Your lying," she responded, "you did mean to mislead me--you meant to create this grand image of yourself, and make your husband into a monster. Because if he is the one with the anger problems it keeps you from having to acknowledge your own issues. You are the one with the aggression problems. You felt that the safest place for you to take them out was on your husband. Now you are running from the situation because now he is striking back." [Longer silence]
The woman goes on to say that she knows she has anger problems that stem from her childhood. She says that her husband triggers her anger and she cannot help but to lash out at him--she can't control it. "Yes you can. You can control it," Dr. Laura corrected her, "you don't hit police officers, you've never struck a teacher, you can control it when you want to." She asks the woman to tell her what these 'triggers' are that have caused her to become violent with her loved one. Every example she wanted to give involved her husband, and each was rejected.
Dr. Laura wanted to know a trigger from the root of her aggression and finally the woman told her about her father and how he was very abusive and controlling when she was a child (telling her what she could wear, where she could go, that she could not use the phone, etc.) and how these were 'triggers' for her now as a grown woman. Dr. Laura said, "the abuse is very different, but the 'controlling' that you are upset over was a father controlling his child, now you are a grown woman--married to a man with preferences--" and the woman burst into tears saying that Dr. Laura had misunderstood what she was saying and blah blah blah. ..
But Dr. Laura understood exactly what she was saying. The woman was trying to say that as a child her father controlled her, and beat her--and now she is married to a man that controls her and beats her. "Is that correct? Am I understanding you?" "Yes." "No, that is not true," the Dr. told her, "if that were true you should and would have left. You are demonizing and punishing your husband for your fathers wrongdoings in the past." "So, I should be okayyy with him not letting me talk on the phone?" Dr. Laura then asked the husband to explain his reasoning for this, which was simple enough--that his wife spent the majority of her time on the phone and when he would come home he asked that she not be on the phone. "So, you married a man that PREFERS his woman to spend a little quality time with him without being distracted or preoccupied on the phone. You need to separate your past from your present or else you are going to get the divorce and just end up leaving the next guy for the same daddy issues you are ignoring today..."
Relationships are about balance and equilibrium. We cannot expect to receive from our partner what we are not willing to give them. Relationships are about sacrificing for the sake of making the other person happy--and we do this because we WANT to, because we have chosen this person to be a part of our lives and we are willing to do things we may not like because we WANT to keep them in our lives. (Of course I am talking about reasonable healthy changes like the woman on the radio was not willing to compromise such as her clothing, socializing, etc). I can relate to the 'daddy issues' she had and see how she can unwittingly allow her past to cloud her current relationship. She felt like she needed to defend herself in the way she couldn't when she was a little girl. She felt like she was sleeping with the enemy because her husband's needs made him embody her controlling father, and so, she villainized him. The simple requests of a loving partner became the unreasonable demands of a monster and she needed to strike back and prove she wasn't the weak young person she was in the past. It is very difficult to accept fault in situations like these. It is very easy to place blame on someone else or even to fall back on dark pasts or things of that nature as a means of deflecting responsibility. Dr. Laura was right, the woman CHOSE to act out against her husband. It is not beyond our control to lash out at someone. The comfort of knowing someone will love you no matter what sometimes makes them a prime candidate as the victim of your unresolved rage. Knowing that someone has gained so much of your trust and also knowing how much of your trust has been violated and lost in the past is deathly frightening. So, we test them. We push them--we try to find their triggers, their limits. We constantly feel like they are hiding some demonic 'dark side' that would sneak out one day when we least expect it. We become vulnerable in the way we were when we were violated as children. But it is not the same at all. The vulnerability of a relationship is beautiful. We are making ourselves emotionally available to this other person by CHOICE, because we have chosen to let them into our lives. It is unfair to make them suffer for any and every time you were wronged in the past. It is unreasonable to expect them to love you and be entirely open, trusting, and vulnerable to you if you aren't willing to meet them in the middle. We have to realize that we have the choice of 'holding onto our baggage' or resolving those issues and absorbing as much good into our lives as God will allow us. What sense does it make to always be suspicious or weary of the person we have DECIDED to give our hearts to? If they were really no good for us we wouldn't be with them in the first place. Love is a strength not a weakness. You don't 'fall' you fly. Our loved ones never make us feel pressured, anchored, and held down; they are our anchors, keeping us centered, grounded, and aware of all the good we are receiving. And most importantly--It NEVER hurts. When you describe the person you are with you should have nothing but great things to say. Never make them out to seem like a horrid person if that isn't the reality. If you find yourself doing this, it is probably a good time to check yourself and see what issues you are struggling with separate of them. Am I being too difficult? Am I failing to compromise? Am I not caring for them properly? Am I distant or distracted? Could they be responding to my actions? If its not you--if you are NOT the problem and the answers to all of the above are no, then by all means, YOU'RE RIGHT! You are sleeping with the enemy! You really have chosen an insensitive, evil, controlling, abusive, unmotivated, non-caring, loveless, loser or w/e you wish to call them. And by all means GET OUT of the relationship. But if thats not the case-- check yourself. (;
The doc asks how that could be. The lady goes, "Well, I don't know we've been married for eight years and.. .well there's been abuse. In eight years of marriage there have been 4 different occasions. . 4 violent fights.. is that too many?" Dr. Laura tells the woman, "One time is too many. I have a 1 blow, zero tolerance policy." [There's a long silence] Dr. Laura addresses the husband, "John? So you've been beating on your woman?" He tells her yes, its true he has been violent towards his wife on four different occasions but he says he was not the only one who brought arguments to a physical level.
I found it very interesting that this fact shifted Dr. Laura's stance on the issue. She asked the wife if she had hit her husband John on any of these four occasions--to which she admitted yes, she had. She asked the wife if she felt she had been striking her husband in self-defense and the woman very adamantly assured Dr. Laura that she felt her involvement in the fights were always in self-defense. Then came the golden question, "Ok, which one of you throws the FIRST blow?" After a very long silence, the husband and wife say that in their last fight, he had--but in all of the ones before she had initiated violence.
This seemed to kind of piss off Dr. Laura and she asked the woman why she failed to disclose that information in the beginning--why did she lead her to believe that she was a battered housewife.. The woman quickly apologized, saying "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to mislead you." "Your lying," she responded, "you did mean to mislead me--you meant to create this grand image of yourself, and make your husband into a monster. Because if he is the one with the anger problems it keeps you from having to acknowledge your own issues. You are the one with the aggression problems. You felt that the safest place for you to take them out was on your husband. Now you are running from the situation because now he is striking back." [Longer silence]
The woman goes on to say that she knows she has anger problems that stem from her childhood. She says that her husband triggers her anger and she cannot help but to lash out at him--she can't control it. "Yes you can. You can control it," Dr. Laura corrected her, "you don't hit police officers, you've never struck a teacher, you can control it when you want to." She asks the woman to tell her what these 'triggers' are that have caused her to become violent with her loved one. Every example she wanted to give involved her husband, and each was rejected.
Dr. Laura wanted to know a trigger from the root of her aggression and finally the woman told her about her father and how he was very abusive and controlling when she was a child (telling her what she could wear, where she could go, that she could not use the phone, etc.) and how these were 'triggers' for her now as a grown woman. Dr. Laura said, "the abuse is very different, but the 'controlling' that you are upset over was a father controlling his child, now you are a grown woman--married to a man with preferences--" and the woman burst into tears saying that Dr. Laura had misunderstood what she was saying and blah blah blah. ..
But Dr. Laura understood exactly what she was saying. The woman was trying to say that as a child her father controlled her, and beat her--and now she is married to a man that controls her and beats her. "Is that correct? Am I understanding you?" "Yes." "No, that is not true," the Dr. told her, "if that were true you should and would have left. You are demonizing and punishing your husband for your fathers wrongdoings in the past." "So, I should be okayyy with him not letting me talk on the phone?" Dr. Laura then asked the husband to explain his reasoning for this, which was simple enough--that his wife spent the majority of her time on the phone and when he would come home he asked that she not be on the phone. "So, you married a man that PREFERS his woman to spend a little quality time with him without being distracted or preoccupied on the phone. You need to separate your past from your present or else you are going to get the divorce and just end up leaving the next guy for the same daddy issues you are ignoring today..."
Relationships are about balance and equilibrium. We cannot expect to receive from our partner what we are not willing to give them. Relationships are about sacrificing for the sake of making the other person happy--and we do this because we WANT to, because we have chosen this person to be a part of our lives and we are willing to do things we may not like because we WANT to keep them in our lives. (Of course I am talking about reasonable healthy changes like the woman on the radio was not willing to compromise such as her clothing, socializing, etc). I can relate to the 'daddy issues' she had and see how she can unwittingly allow her past to cloud her current relationship. She felt like she needed to defend herself in the way she couldn't when she was a little girl. She felt like she was sleeping with the enemy because her husband's needs made him embody her controlling father, and so, she villainized him. The simple requests of a loving partner became the unreasonable demands of a monster and she needed to strike back and prove she wasn't the weak young person she was in the past. It is very difficult to accept fault in situations like these. It is very easy to place blame on someone else or even to fall back on dark pasts or things of that nature as a means of deflecting responsibility. Dr. Laura was right, the woman CHOSE to act out against her husband. It is not beyond our control to lash out at someone. The comfort of knowing someone will love you no matter what sometimes makes them a prime candidate as the victim of your unresolved rage. Knowing that someone has gained so much of your trust and also knowing how much of your trust has been violated and lost in the past is deathly frightening. So, we test them. We push them--we try to find their triggers, their limits. We constantly feel like they are hiding some demonic 'dark side' that would sneak out one day when we least expect it. We become vulnerable in the way we were when we were violated as children. But it is not the same at all. The vulnerability of a relationship is beautiful. We are making ourselves emotionally available to this other person by CHOICE, because we have chosen to let them into our lives. It is unfair to make them suffer for any and every time you were wronged in the past. It is unreasonable to expect them to love you and be entirely open, trusting, and vulnerable to you if you aren't willing to meet them in the middle. We have to realize that we have the choice of 'holding onto our baggage' or resolving those issues and absorbing as much good into our lives as God will allow us. What sense does it make to always be suspicious or weary of the person we have DECIDED to give our hearts to? If they were really no good for us we wouldn't be with them in the first place. Love is a strength not a weakness. You don't 'fall' you fly. Our loved ones never make us feel pressured, anchored, and held down; they are our anchors, keeping us centered, grounded, and aware of all the good we are receiving. And most importantly--It NEVER hurts. When you describe the person you are with you should have nothing but great things to say. Never make them out to seem like a horrid person if that isn't the reality. If you find yourself doing this, it is probably a good time to check yourself and see what issues you are struggling with separate of them. Am I being too difficult? Am I failing to compromise? Am I not caring for them properly? Am I distant or distracted? Could they be responding to my actions? If its not you--if you are NOT the problem and the answers to all of the above are no, then by all means, YOU'RE RIGHT! You are sleeping with the enemy! You really have chosen an insensitive, evil, controlling, abusive, unmotivated, non-caring, loveless, loser or w/e you wish to call them. And by all means GET OUT of the relationship. But if thats not the case-- check yourself. (;
Friday, March 13, 2009
It's easier now.
I'm not sure if its because I like him less, or I like him more, but it's easier to not want everything from him all at once. I don't know what I mean, but at the same time, I don't know anything haha. I don't make any sense, but it makes sense to me. Does that make sense?
Haha I stopped making sense two months ago, when this whole debacle started. When I signed up for this really-what-is-this-shit-relationshit, I pretty much agreed to feel this insane flurry of emotions all the time. I don't know what to say anymore, and I'm used to it sadly. I'm used to being totally anchored to a cell phone while we dirrty txt, and I'm used to how completely in sync we can be. The Spark is still prevalent, and really I am surprised at it.
When I'm thinking of him and he texts me, it makes me smile. When I text him and he doesn't text back for hours, I get pissed off. I feel completely ass over tits for him at times, others I wanna wring his fucking neck, and other times I am completely apathetic about him, the rest I wonder about what he's up to. This is frustrating, and completely consuming.
When we're together it's easy as breathing, and complicated as brain surgery. I find myself just soaking up what we could be with a title, and I enjoy just having the freedom to ignore him while I'm in his bed and leave when I feel like it. The sex isn't the only thing I'm after, it never really was, though I tried to trick myself.
I adore him and I love what we are and what we aren't; I'm done wanting what we could be. I'm finished with thinking we've got to have a direction. Long story short, I'm thankful for what we have, it keeps me sane, and I'm gonna take this as it comes, wherever it leads. Let's go, we're going on this road trip without a map, and I'm so down for wherever we end up. Just keep making me laugh, and you're set.
Haha I stopped making sense two months ago, when this whole debacle started. When I signed up for this really-what-is-this-shit-relationshit, I pretty much agreed to feel this insane flurry of emotions all the time. I don't know what to say anymore, and I'm used to it sadly. I'm used to being totally anchored to a cell phone while we dirrty txt, and I'm used to how completely in sync we can be. The Spark is still prevalent, and really I am surprised at it.
When I'm thinking of him and he texts me, it makes me smile. When I text him and he doesn't text back for hours, I get pissed off. I feel completely ass over tits for him at times, others I wanna wring his fucking neck, and other times I am completely apathetic about him, the rest I wonder about what he's up to. This is frustrating, and completely consuming.
When we're together it's easy as breathing, and complicated as brain surgery. I find myself just soaking up what we could be with a title, and I enjoy just having the freedom to ignore him while I'm in his bed and leave when I feel like it. The sex isn't the only thing I'm after, it never really was, though I tried to trick myself.
I adore him and I love what we are and what we aren't; I'm done wanting what we could be. I'm finished with thinking we've got to have a direction. Long story short, I'm thankful for what we have, it keeps me sane, and I'm gonna take this as it comes, wherever it leads. Let's go, we're going on this road trip without a map, and I'm so down for wherever we end up. Just keep making me laugh, and you're set.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
And a cameo appearance from...
daVinci code has resurfaced from the murky deep of who-knows-where, and wants a rendezvous. Naturally my first instinct is to oblige him, but I gave up sex for Lent (see AC for more on this). Not to mention this doucher left me hanging from November. Hm, what to do what to do.....
Plus, Hands McCoy is pushing for some face time, and naughty time. I swore him off for good, so it really doesn't help that he's set his mind to seducing me and getting back in.
shit. why do I insist on having the most difficult time?
Plus, Hands McCoy is pushing for some face time, and naughty time. I swore him off for good, so it really doesn't help that he's set his mind to seducing me and getting back in.
shit. why do I insist on having the most difficult time?
Sunday, March 1, 2009
It's everything about you.
There are times when he drives me absolutely crazy, there are times when I'm absolutely ass over tits for him, and then there's the rest of the time where I'm apathetic. This is so tumultuous and I've given up on him! haha and to top it all off, he's lounging completely unawares, most likely, not caring or even noticing how he'll get me in a tizzy.
I've sworn off sex, so in part I've sworn off him, for Lent, but even though body touching isn't on the menu, I find myself wanting a relationshit. Even though wanting it goes against my better judgement. Thankfully, I've got enough will power where this flirtationshit is annoying, but shit it doesn't seem to be waning any despite his mixed signals galore.
FACK. this is why I've given up on dating, not just him. But what angers me the most, is that I continue to do this to myself. I know how annoying, frustrating, exhilarating, confusing, enlightening, endearing he can be, and I want it.
Why do I put up with this nonsense? Because of everything about him, and sadly it happens to be what I want right now. I'm really hoping that I'll come to my senses soon, but as of now I've totally cocked up.
I've sworn off sex, so in part I've sworn off him, for Lent, but even though body touching isn't on the menu, I find myself wanting a relationshit. Even though wanting it goes against my better judgement. Thankfully, I've got enough will power where this flirtationshit is annoying, but shit it doesn't seem to be waning any despite his mixed signals galore.
FACK. this is why I've given up on dating, not just him. But what angers me the most, is that I continue to do this to myself. I know how annoying, frustrating, exhilarating, confusing, enlightening, endearing he can be, and I want it.
Why do I put up with this nonsense? Because of everything about him, and sadly it happens to be what I want right now. I'm really hoping that I'll come to my senses soon, but as of now I've totally cocked up.
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