I can watch a sunset on my own...

When we first started talking... God, it was amazing! I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't. Everything about you just made me smile. Your hugs, your smell, your smile, our conversations. Especially our conversations. And the way you would flirt. It felt like I was finally getting what I wanted. It felt like I was finally getting my fairytale romance. You know, the ONE thing I've probably wanted since I was about seven years old.

And then... nothing happened. We kept talking, hugging, smiling, and flirting -- but that's it. I should've ended it then. Like my mother said. Because if you were about something, then you would've been about something from the beginning. You would've been considerate of the fact that I was 19 years old and had never been with anyone before -- I had never even been on a date. You would've tried harder. But instead, you decided to not try at all. And when I called you on it, you said it was because "you wanted me to take charge".

Bullshit.

You've been bullshitting me since the very beginning. Because the truth of the matter is: If you wanted to be with me, you would've by now. I wouldn't be your friend, your favorite, your nothing... I would be your girlfriend. And I'm not. So I need to move on. I do. I keep trying to find reasons to keep you around. But I can't anymore. I have driven myself INSANE for you. I have lied to be with you, cried to be with you, TRIED to be with you. And I'm not.

And I feel like such a fool. And I'm so hurt. And I'm so mad. Because I love you. I really do. Am I in love with you? I don't know. I don't think it matters. What matters is that I've loved you. I've wanted to be YOUR girl this whole time... and I'm still not. And I keep trying to blame people -- my mom, you, God, myself. Because then it'd hurt less. Because I never wanted to hurt like THIS for a guy again. But there's no one to blame. We just didn't work out. And I pray to God that I have the strength and emotional constitution to move on this time. Because I'm not a weak girl. And I'm not down to settle for less.

I want to say that I'll be able to get over you while still being your friend. But I don't think this is one of those cases. And I'm praying that it is. I'm praying that with each day that I wake up, I love a little less of you. But that I'll still be able to smile when I see you and talk to you. But I don't think I will be. And that hurts. It hurts so much. Because I'll still have to see you. I'll have to walk into work everyday and be reminded that you are on the other side... Be reminded of the first time we kissed. Or when you finally told me you liked me. Or when I lost my virginity to you. And that SUCKS.

And I don't think anyone has thought of how much that would suck for me. People either tell me that I should get over you, or I should just wait and see... But they don't realize how either way, it's going to eat me up inside. YOU don't see how it eats me up inside. It sucks that I can't be happy for my best friend... that she's fallen in love for the first time. Because I'm so insanely jealous that it's not me... insanely in love with you. It hurts when I have to keep my ears open at work, to see if you've been honest about your relationship to the other girls. It sucks when I am in your car or at your apartment... and I see remnants left from other girls -- sunglasses, your ex-girlfriend's monogrammed towels, text messages.

Because every time I go through THAT, I get bombarded with all the memories of when we first started... or when I felt like we were really going somewhere... or just plain good memories.

No one understands how much that really FUCKING SUCKS. And how I'm sitting here, bawling my fucking eyes out right now, snot running down my upper lip. And I just wish you would call or text more. I wish you would ask me to hang out... at all. I wish... you would've been the person I thought you were from the beginning. Because then I wouldn't feel pathetic. And I wouldn't feel like a fool. I wouldn't feel like I had just been played.

I wouldn't feel like you broke my fucking heart.

I just wouldn't feel.