Single Lady!

I'm starting over again. In a way...

I became dependent -- overly dependent. I'm still dependent on him. It's not something that I can just turn off. Flip the switch and WOO! I'm done with it. It's a mental and emotional thing. I've done it before. I don't plan to do it again. But at least now I am admitting to it.

I hate feeling weak. There's a difference between vulnerability and openness... and being weak and accepting the role of the victim. I did the latter. And that's ridiculous. Why? Because in all my whopping 19 years, I never expected to become that kind of girl. You know, the girl that becomes obsessed with the guy she is currently involved with to the point that her very emotional well-being is correlated to her interaction with him. It's making me nauseous just to think about it.

I'm known as fiercely independent -- "the baddest bitch", as one friend likes to put it. But when it comes to me having feeling for a guy, I lose that. And that's kind of sad. I'm sure lots of people do it. They want their relationships to be successful, they care about the other person a lot -- so they invest a lot of themselves into it. However, I'm learning that Life is about BALANCE. And relationships are the biggest part of my life... so that lesson applies to them as well.

I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling obsessive. I don't like feeling... the way I do now. It's really hard to put my finger on it. If I had to, I would say it feels like I'm losing. Myself, my sanity, the game, his affection -- whatever. It doesn't matter. I just hate feeling like I'm not gaining anything, like this isn't building me into a better person.

This comes down to more than my wants or desires, some guy, sex, or whatever. It comes down to me and what I'm doing with my life. I've put so much energy and time and thought into all of this. And it SUCKS!

So I'm... starting over. From scratch. I don't know what this means for he and I. Probably nothing. It's not about him anymore. I don't want my life to be about a guy. I don't need my life to be about a guy.

I just need to be single right now.