We're stronger than we give ourselves credit for...

I ended it.

I finally took control of a situation -- mustered up the balls, opened my mouth, let down my guard. All of it. I did the one thing I thought I would never be able to do (well, at one point in my life): confront someone honestly and openly. It didn't include dramatics or waterworks or hysterics. No cussing, no tears, no cinematic qualities. It was just me finally being strong.

And this is what it all comes down to: STRENGTH.


I find it incredibly hard to be a strong person deliberately... which is funny, because I'm often told that I am a strong person. But I honestly don't feel like it most of the time. I think I'm moderately strong by default. I come from strong people; it's inherent. My parents have had to go through a lot. My family members have had to go through a lot. I have had to go through a lot. Everyone goes through a lot -- life is a fucking challenge. I've just been blessed enough to come from a foundation that doesn't falter. I was never really given a choice, you know?

But there are certain aspects of my life that I'm very weak in. I used to try to avoid admitting this. No one likes accepting that they have weaknesses. And to voice them out loud? Well, that's just really something we don't like doing. But I am doing it. I'm laying it all out on the line. I'm not going to run from it anymore. I'm not going to hide it behind all the things I do well and pretend like it fixes everything. Instead, I'm going to work on my weaknesses.

And confronting him was one of my first steps. Because for so long, I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I thought I was imprisoned to him, to my feelings. And then I thought, "Okay, maybe I can end it... but I can't tell him why." But the truth is: I am not a hostage to some guy... and I can tell him that. I can tell anyone that actually: you will not make or break me. I'm enough.

I think this is what it all comes down to.

I needed to believe in myself, believe that I AM ENOUGH. I needed to accept that I couldn't change certain things, but I also needed to confront the fact that there are certain things about myself that do need changing -- my ability to take control, to work harder for the things I want, to not rely on others so much. And those are things that I have to do myself. I need this time to be alone now... more than ever. Because I haven't really learned how to be alone. Without wanting anyone else there to validate or catalyze me.

It all boils down to STRENGTH -- the strength of my character, the strength of my footing in the world. That's all that any of us need. And that's what I'm going to do; that's what I'm going to be about.