When in doubt

"When in doubt, shut him out."
That's a lovely tidbit of homespun wisdom my Marine father bestowed on me. If I'm even wavering in my belief of a guy's affection for me, or if I ever question his loyalty-- cut him off.

I understand this, especially coming from his old days. Make a guy miss your attentions, affections and most of all you. Don't make it easy for him. Blah blah blah.

Why is there no advice to be handed from previous generations on what to do when you're so rabid, you're afraid to wank again because it'll launch you into nympho stats?

Now a bit of a science lesson.

Hey boys and girls, today we're going to learn about what I like to call "location-based infatuations"! These infatuations usually occur when you're with the same group for extended periods of time (i.e. retreats, classes, play rehearsals), and you find yourself unwittingly attracted to a guy there. Now this guy may or may not be your regular type, but you find yourself increasingly attracted to him over the time together. But once you're done with the group, and you see him again most times you're over it or you wonder why you were arse over tits for him.

And this is why! On a subconcious, biologically written level of your genetics, you're programmed to find a mate out of your "selection". When your "selection" is hypothetically lowered, you look for compatibility in what you do have "on hand". Which is why you may find yourself to someone outside your normal parameters, but he's biologically more compatible than others in the "selection".

Which in my case explains why I started to be drawn to a 16 year old, Chelle has jokingly nicknamed "YoungBallz", and we haven't had sex (don't worry that violates The Rules, for more on The Rules, check A.C.), but I'd be lying if I wasn't willing to break that rule for him. This is because of the compatibility your subconcious is looking for. Nevermind logic or having a say in the matter, I was sideswept and, I can't lie, I didn't mind it much.

Haha at least in my research I've discovered that this biological tick doesn't just affect women, it snags men--and in my case boys (yes I'm laughing at myself)-- as well. Just be careful, you'll never know if this level of compatibility c a n transfer over into the real world, or if it's better left to the "field of origin". Just use your best judgement and for goodness sake, GET TO KNOW SOMEONE BEFORE YOU GET NAKED TOGETHER.

Epiphanies-R-Us!

I have my closure. I have a happy ending -- if not THE happy ending I was hoping for. I know I will be all right.

This whole time, I've been thinking that my heart has a defined capacity for love. I can only love someone if they meet certain requirements, under specific conditions, and only if there's enough room. That's not LOVE (notice the difference between all caps and all lowercase). LOVE is infinite, unconditional, divine; it cannot be governed unless it is governed by goodness.

I love him. I love him dearly. But he was never "The One". I have made peace with that. I have made peace with the fact that sometimes you love people that may not love you back the same way. It doesn't mean they're wrong for not appreciating the love you give them, it doesn't mean you're wrong for giving them love they may or may not deserve. LOVE is selfless. To give it is to be good. It is to share. I'll never be the type of person that can withhold love. I don't believe in it. I believe in forgiveness, I believe in second and third and fourth chances -- in believing in the goodness in a person, no matter what kind of shit they've done. And I believe that sometimes, you just need to be there for people.

I'll always be that girl. I've been that girl since I was a tiny child -- even at four years old, I was taking care of and providing for my friends. I think it balances out all the shitty things I can do sometime.


But in saying all this, I have learned how to protect myself and my heart. When it comes to romantic love, you can't give yourself up too easily. When it comes to your heart, you want to make sure that it doesn't get broken. Not because it's not resilient and won't heal -- but because that shit hurts like hell! That's like, jumping from a second story window just because you know you won't die.

Not. Very. Intelligent. Duh.

I let him know how much I absolutely love and adore him and how much the past year impacted me. I told him I would love nothing more than to be in his life forever and ever -- a good friend if he decided that he needed me. And I let him know what a good person he is. Because he is. I shared with him. I LOVE him. And now, I surrender. What happens, happens. If we build a great friendship, that'd be AWESOME. If I move to New York and we lose touch... that would suck, but I still got what good times and lessons learned that I did.

And now, I give up and give in. I'm not swearing off men or dating or relationships for any indefinite amount of time. I don't want to be adverse or unavailable to falling in LOVE. I just don't want to seek it to willfully. I don't want to create it out of nothing. I want to discover it by happy fate and let it discover me. I will to fall into LOVE as it falls into place in my Life. I want to LOVE myself, my Life, my journey as much as I can before I love anyone else in that way.

So I surrender. I've been surrendering. I've been arriving at this destination for a while. But I'm finally here. I'm finally free. I've finally made my peace with everything. One day, it will all be mine. I'll know a love for someone -- THE love for THE someone -- that'll just... well, there will be no words. But first, I want to feel that for MYSELF. For MY LIFE.

Hmm... It's a new story, a new journey, a new light shining. A new beginning that I've got. And I LOVE it.

The End.

Oh wow.

This is clarity. I've let go and let God, and lo and behold I'm over Hands McCoy and his charms. I wish him the best, but I've got to do me. I've decided to post the little fortune cookie sound bites that helped me when times got hard:

>> "And just like that I don't need you quite so much. Just like that I don't crave your touch. As startling that is to you, imagine how shocking that is to me."

>> "Forget the cute habits he used to do: the way he'd lick his lips before he'd kiss you, how you fell asleep with him over the phone, the way you smiled when you heard his ringtone. Forget it all, he's now the past; he's not the first and he won't be the last."

>> "Getting back together with someone is a difficult decision that only you can make. So before you bite the bullet take a moment to consider this: this is the same guy, who not too long ago, looked you right in the eyes, took into account all the emotions you had for him, thought of everything you had to offer him, and all the love you would've given him-- and told you he was no longer in need of your company."

>> "Do you want to give him the power to crush you again? No."

>> "Love shouldn't be about who's got the upper hand, or the most power. Love should be about love."

>> "No one has control over the way you feel but you, if someone messes with your emotions, they've got to go. You make the rules for your life."

Here's hoping that this new flirtationship I've gotten myself into with YoungBallz [[see A.C.]] will reach a conclusion that doesn't involve prison.