Epiphanies-R-Us!

I have my closure. I have a happy ending -- if not THE happy ending I was hoping for. I know I will be all right.

This whole time, I've been thinking that my heart has a defined capacity for love. I can only love someone if they meet certain requirements, under specific conditions, and only if there's enough room. That's not LOVE (notice the difference between all caps and all lowercase). LOVE is infinite, unconditional, divine; it cannot be governed unless it is governed by goodness.

I love him. I love him dearly. But he was never "The One". I have made peace with that. I have made peace with the fact that sometimes you love people that may not love you back the same way. It doesn't mean they're wrong for not appreciating the love you give them, it doesn't mean you're wrong for giving them love they may or may not deserve. LOVE is selfless. To give it is to be good. It is to share. I'll never be the type of person that can withhold love. I don't believe in it. I believe in forgiveness, I believe in second and third and fourth chances -- in believing in the goodness in a person, no matter what kind of shit they've done. And I believe that sometimes, you just need to be there for people.

I'll always be that girl. I've been that girl since I was a tiny child -- even at four years old, I was taking care of and providing for my friends. I think it balances out all the shitty things I can do sometime.


But in saying all this, I have learned how to protect myself and my heart. When it comes to romantic love, you can't give yourself up too easily. When it comes to your heart, you want to make sure that it doesn't get broken. Not because it's not resilient and won't heal -- but because that shit hurts like hell! That's like, jumping from a second story window just because you know you won't die.

Not. Very. Intelligent. Duh.

I let him know how much I absolutely love and adore him and how much the past year impacted me. I told him I would love nothing more than to be in his life forever and ever -- a good friend if he decided that he needed me. And I let him know what a good person he is. Because he is. I shared with him. I LOVE him. And now, I surrender. What happens, happens. If we build a great friendship, that'd be AWESOME. If I move to New York and we lose touch... that would suck, but I still got what good times and lessons learned that I did.

And now, I give up and give in. I'm not swearing off men or dating or relationships for any indefinite amount of time. I don't want to be adverse or unavailable to falling in LOVE. I just don't want to seek it to willfully. I don't want to create it out of nothing. I want to discover it by happy fate and let it discover me. I will to fall into LOVE as it falls into place in my Life. I want to LOVE myself, my Life, my journey as much as I can before I love anyone else in that way.

So I surrender. I've been surrendering. I've been arriving at this destination for a while. But I'm finally here. I'm finally free. I've finally made my peace with everything. One day, it will all be mine. I'll know a love for someone -- THE love for THE someone -- that'll just... well, there will be no words. But first, I want to feel that for MYSELF. For MY LIFE.

Hmm... It's a new story, a new journey, a new light shining. A new beginning that I've got. And I LOVE it.

The End.