Letter to Puberty.

Dear Puberty,

I'm a h u g e fan of your work in guys; you know, the deep voices, the
increase in testosterone, the muscles-- all of it. But I've noticed lately something you've been neglecting....height. What happened to this "growth spurt" guys get? I find myself being obscenely taller than some guys, and its become bad enough where we need to address it. Please get your shit together and work on my absolute favorite part of your work-- tall guys. Thanks so much, I look forward to your reply.

--T
p.s. I understand this trend of manscaping isn't your idea either, but if you could let guys know that I don't want to sleep with a woman otherwise I would, and it's alright to keep some hair that'd be great.

i may be using you...ooops.

welll, Cowboy's been since cut, and although he's been trying hasn't been lat back into the folds [[oh taht was dirty]]. Ginger has been stepping up to the seduction plate and laying it on strong. I've informed him several times over that it's Lent so there will be no sex in the champagne room.

But I've been encouraging the Ginger, Sexter and flirting because since I cannot have sex now I want my options to be a plenty when this curse is lifted. Sooooo, if you're a guy I've started flirting heavily with lately....I may be using you at some point. thanks!

Also, last night I had a little chit chat with a girl who's also had sex with Ace...OH FUCK ME! I never posted that post on Ace and I's rendezvous! I will do that presently.....done! Here's the post on that! But she agreed that sex with Ace was a blast and we drunkenly exchanged memories and it just reaffirmed that when Ace is down, its going down.

Have we shaken him?

I told Cowboy that this relationshit stuff wasn't going to fly anymore and that I didn't think us continuing to see each other [[translation: touch bodies]] would be the best idea. He took it pretty well, only asking what he did wrong. I couldn't exactly tell him really what was wrong because: a)I was not in the mood to listen to him try to explain his way out of it and b) I didn't want to ruin that romance and shit that he does for the next girl.

We've had little to no contact from him since, so I'm thinking our little swimfan fear was a bit out there haha. Now there's a Ginger at school who thinks he's going to bed me, but little does he know: a) I don't sleep with ginger kids, b) it's Lent so I've given up sex again-- it only gets me in trouble it seems!, and c) there's even less of a Spark with him than there was with Cowboy.

There's added problem there because it seems some people have made it their mission to get the two of us in bed together-- uhm, TIMES OUT PAUSE. Since when do we plot to bed people when we're not in the involved party? NO. THANK. YOU.

It all makes me wonder....is it the relationshit that's scaring me off, or is it the boys? I'm going to say, at this moment in time, it's the guys scaring me off-- if there was a guy I was genuinely interested in and The Spark is there, hell yes I'll commit.

uh oh, we may have out it down too well.

wellllll, i thot this may have been coming, but i didn't think it would go down this way. the other day when i was having sex with Cowboy, the words "i think i'm falling for you" slipped out of his mouth....okay they didn't slip, they came barging out and smacked me in the back of the head. so i did what any able bodied girl in my position would've done....i faked a leg cramp, got dressed, patted him on the shoulder, said "see you later" and b o u n c e d. mean, i know, but i panicked! what was i supposed to do?! i've known him two weeks-- and that's being generous.

well he's trying to woo me via text message later that day and i wasdirrty texting a friend from high school. here's me and hujoe, one of my gays, recapping txts from the friend, who we'll call Sexter:

me: Hujoe.
me: I've done two bad things.
hujoe: lol like what?
me: Bad thing 1:
me: Had sex with cowboy and when he said "I think I'm falling for you" I fled and went on to do bad thing #2
me: Bad thing 2:
me: Flirtexting and exchanging naughty texts and pictures with sexter from high school
me: I'm sooo not the relationshit type
hujoe: oh hun
hujoe: thats not good karma
hujoe: now im always all for getting what you want...but dont do it at the expense of someone elses heart
hujoe: because if you turn the tables youd be crushed
me: Hahaha girl I told him from the start I'm not the relationshoti type!
me: Shit*
hujoe: hahahaha
hujoe: but you have to enforce that all of the time!
hujoe: cuz his heart isnt gunna remember that shit
me: .......so no more sex?
hujoe: no not with him
me: I can totally do that.
hujoe: unless you both can come to a consensus that its just plain fucking no strings attached
me: Mmkay.
me: But whhhhyyyyyyyyy
me: did he hafta get attatched?!
me: I feel like a doucher, but I'm not guilty
me: But I'm not feeling guilty*
hujoe: because if he falls in love with you....then youre gunna have one messy situation
------------------------ 6:50 pm ------------------------
hujoe: thats because u dont honestly care about him
me: ....true.
hujoe: just becareful
hujoe: because that can really hurt somebody
me: I know I know
me: I better tell him outright so we can start talking
hujoe: yeah
me: About him and I not going the full monty committment wise
------------------------ 7:05 pm ------------------------
me: Hujoe.
me: Omfgb.
me: I've missed dirty txts
me: And sexter is a p r o.
hujoe: lmao
hujoe: skype is so much better
hujoe: i prefer a live feed
hujoe: ;)
hujoe: omgfg i got a macbook pro!
me: Oohhh lucky bitch!
me: Hahaha if I had a live feed, that'd be so dangerous!
------------------------ 7:16 pm ------------------------
hujoe: hahaha it is...and i love it
me: ooohh girl
------------------------ 7:22 pm ------------------------
me: I've never let a guy put it in my ass
hujoe: ummmm
hujoe: u wouldnt like it
me: But sexter is making me want to haha
me: I wouldn't? my gay keeps insisting I will
hujoe: for boys its different cuz of the prostate
hujoe: but for girls...that shit would just hurt
hujoe: lol
me: Hahahaha
hujoe: thats cuz hes a boy and has a prostate
hujoe: hahaha
hujoe: u would feel like u had to poop really bad
me: Hahahahhahaha well fuck what's the point?!
hujoe: lmao
me: Dad says hi btw
hujoe: tell him i say hello!
hujoe: there is no point for anal sex if youre a female
hujoe: unless youre into weird shit like that
hujoe: lmao
hujoe: well u can do it with no rubber, u cant get oreggo
hujoe: *preggo
me: hahaha I've heard some girls say its bomby
me: But I've always been like "nahhhh"
------------------------ 7:33 pm ------------------------
hujoe: haha well i guess u cant knock it until u try it....but the first time is never really any fun
me: Well fuck haha
hujoe: hahaha
me: Lemme send you what he sent me
me: - Fwd: Damn that ass looks tasty. Id love to see from behind Mmm
hujoe: omg
hujoe: lol
me: - Fwd: Yes i do. Mmm you dont even have an idea what id do once your bent over ;)
me: - Fwd: Bend you all the way over and finger and tongue that tight ass as i  lick your pussy. Then slide my dick in and out of both ;)
me: - Fwd: Mmm i love doing that stuff so thats perfect ;)  i want a picture from behind. Possibly with you bent over. Mmm Thatd be so hot
me: - Fwd: Mmm good ;)  i bet your asshole is so tight
me: - Fwd: Mmm id love to taste it then be the second guy in there ;)
hujoe: omg
hujoe: u need to stop
hujoe: lol
me: - Fwd: Thats so sexy. Id love to lick it all up. Mmm im hard thinking about
hujoe: lmaooo
hujoe: u guys are too young to be talking like that!
hujoe: im allowed to cuz im old and lonely
hujoe: lol
me: - Fwd: Yes i would. Mmm you should. I wanna tongue that ass so deep
me: Hahahahah girl
me: I love white boys
me: And I wanted to smash on him in high school
me: Aahhhhhhh
hujoe: haahahaha u should have
hujoe: is he packin heat?
me: Oohhh I plan to
me: I'm not sure yet, but once he sends a picture I'll send you a verdict
------------------------ 7:44 pm ------------------------
hujoe: lmao
hujoe: go inn
me: I plan to
me: Haha I've got quite the to do list when I get home
me: Mmmmm
hujoe: oh lordie
hujoe: ur vag is gunna be so sore
me: Hahahha I'll pop some anti inflammitory pills, ice on my down time and push through like a champ

and the lingerie party was a blast, but that's a post for next time ;)

Sweety, I'm only gonna break your heart..

..would it be evil of me to pursue a relationshit i know is doomed from the start? well its not doomed..thats dramatic. i just know that i don't want anything serious from this guy who wants to.."get serious" with me
[Reese, similar situation WITCH!]

why is it once you finally take a seat on the bench to cool off from all
the stupid love games you've been playing...
just trying to sit this one out..
or maybe just have fun, play the field..
here comes prince wannabe charming!

and why is he always so hell-bent on titles and getting all official and territorial and whatnot.. why can't he just be a good toyfriend and let things ride. and WHY the eff wasn't iiiiii so comfortable just being FWB with MY ex..so i wouldn't be in this situation..!? why did i want the title and the papers and the promises from HIM and why don't i want them from you??

the thing is..if i'm honest with myself, which i'm not, i would say that you ARE a nice guy and you would probably treat me really well and you probably have a big penis and you'd always answer your phone-- even though i wouldn't call, just the principle..

but if i was even more honest with myself i would also say we are from two different worlds and your kind of intense in a way that scares me and you already expect a lot of me and i know you're being real open right now..but there's a good chance i'm still hung up on someone else--

so im not really interested in your sweet-nothings.. and thats why i feel its best i keep it strictly business (puff, pass) when we chill and why i break at the 1st sign of emotion..because, all i can see are D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R red flags and my potential to leave you dumbstruck and shit out of luck..2weeks? 6months? however long down the line when you start expecting more of my heart, and all i'll know is that i'm only gonna break yours..

Well excuse the f*ck outaa me.

I was just informed that its entirely my fault for not feeling The Spark
with Cowboy-- its because I'm "too picky". I'm the one who's gotta be in
this relationshit with him, so pardon me for thinkingthat meant I
decided when or if anything was happening and on my terms. I'd rather be
intimidating and too picky than otherwise because then I'm weeding out
the weak, the losers and the immature. I'll save myself more trouble
than a little singleness will do.

And I know for a fact I deserve the kind of relationshit I want with the
kind of guy I want. Because I'm worth it. I'm gorgeous, I'm funny, I'm
smart-- a mother fucking catch if you fucking will. So
getthefugouttahere with this too picky horseshit.

Could it be fabricated?

Miz Berry brought up a valid point some people believe: that The Spark is really just a figment of your imagination. I don't know for certain, all I know is what applies to me-- which at the end of the day is all we really know, what applies to ourselves [[so take all advice with a grain of salt and a splash of tequila]]. The Spark to me is a subconscious, biological signal that this guy and I are compatible. If The Spark is really just a fabrication we go through to fool ourselves, then what does purpose does it serve?

Could the lack of The Spark just mean I'm insecure about going forward with Cowboy and really am just used to "the chase"? So now that someone is upfront about wanting me and a relationshit with me, I don't know what to do so my default setting is to run? I don't think that's the case because I'm willing to give him and this a shot [[provided he tunes down the romance, or I'll vomit in my shoes]] for The Spark to materialize.

I'm certainly not using The Spark as a deal breaker, but if I don't get a rush then what's the point in being in a relationshit? We could just as easily be friends with benefits, so we can both keep an eye out for The Spark. The She-wolf in me doesn't want to be tied down unless there's The Spark or at least a rush, because then it means that it's fun, adventerous and exciting. If it's complacent and dull, then who the hell wants to stay?!

I don't wanna give him mixed signals or use him, but I'm certainly going to tell him that I think we should just be FWB if I think so. If he cares as much as he's spouting he does, then he should be fine with it. I've got the pussy so I make the rules, let's not forget it. PLus I think down the road he'll thank me for it. Or just be really crushed because I'm the woman of his dreams and he's over here thinking we're gonna get married and live happily ever after and I break his heart because I decide he's good enough to sleep with but not to commit to.............Fuck. I really hope its the previous, because I do not want to be known as "The One That Got Away" because I know for damn sure we're not soulmates and I don't need that bad juju.

How to be a Bad Girl..

(according to Natalie (BGC))
1] Pick a WINNER
2] Give him the Rules
(ex. "When Natalie calls, you answer. If you want me to be good, you have to be good..")
3] If he wants to tie you down, He can wife you up
4] Don't cry over ANY man
5] DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO, regardless
6] Never tell on yourself..And don't get CAUGHT

Ugh, my problems with this.. Number 1, its difficult to find a Winner amidst a sea full of losers. I'm clearly not in the right environment for her SugarDaddy pool of contenders.. (don't even know if i'd want one) but I surely don't want a BOY-- jobless, carless, goal-less, his-own-private-location-to-fck-me-so-I-don't-have-to-be-quiet-less.. Its just not gonna work.

I like the idea of rules upfront. Especially because guys tend to approach every girl as if he wants a Relationshit..even if he just wants to hit. If we start Rule #1 as follows, This is Strictly Physical.. I see a host of avoidable issues erased. I'm not going to worry about who your spending time with (unless you're fucking). I could care less about a Holiday gift or a Valentine's chocolate (gagg) and the only thing i'm expecting is that you stay On-Call for the Booty Call..

Numbers 3, 5, and 6 go hand in hand I think. A bad girl doesn't have some boy with a 100% hold on her dictating what she does with her time. She won't call and check-in if he's emotionally checked out. Don't reward bad behavior with pu$$y...No matter HOW BAD you want it. Because odds are, if he's not with you putting it down..and you've got doubts..he's probably elsewhere and you need to make YOU priority 1 and just...don't get caught ;) (But really, I probably wouldn't cheat I'd just NEXT him and do my thing)

Mostly, a "Bad Girl" is just a smart female who approaches the opposite sex on an even playing field. We think like they do. We play like they do. And we cut it off just as easily, too.

The Spark.

I've met a guy we'll call Cowboy [[for that whole background mess checkk this AC post]] and it was all fun and games. And I was thinking "Thank you 2010 for sending a decent guy my way!" Until I realized we're not on the same page. He seems hellbent on getting me into a relationshit with his "I'm gonna be your knight in shining armor" and "You're mine" shit. I've calmly and very plainly explained I'm not one for relationshits, and all I got was a "I'll change your mind. I'm not like those other guys". A for effort, but let's be reasonable; he's not even listening to my side of things.

To his credit, he's a fantastic kisser, pretty good in the sack [[or car, AC post]], and he does and says all the things I've always said I wanted in a relationshit. I just don't want the relationshit I guess. He can say the sweetest thing and the dirtiest thing in the same sentence and it's completely natural. I like it, but the problem is I like the dirty tidbit waiting in the wings more than i do the heartfelt crap parading on stage. For example, "baby, you're so gorgeous today, it makes me want to bend you over this table and fuck you stupid. i don't care that there's people they can watch." Can you guess where my interest peaks?

My suspicion is that since The Spark is missing, all this potential isn't being used. I should be getting goosebumps when he kisses me softly and whispers something in my ear. I should feel giddy when I get a text from him. My heart should be skipping a fucking beat when he does the things I've wanted a boyfrenn to do! SOMETHING SHOULD BE HAPPENING! But no. I feel the same way about him saying he's gonna bring me flowers as I do about him telling me his dog died. I'm apathetic. and when he texted me this morning saying he didn't want things to just be sex between us, I froze.

WHAT GIRL DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR THAT SHE MEANS MORE THAN SEX TO A HOT GUY SHE'S INTERESTED IN?! apparently, I'm the only one. I'm not sure if The Spark is gonna be fashionably late, or not appear at all, but I'm worried if I stick around to see, he's gonna be trying to trick the l-word out of me-- that will not work for me. I don't want to string him along, I really don't, but if I'm gonna give him an honest chance knowing I'm already thinking of cutting him loose, how well is this gonna go? I can already feel my inner She-wolf grimacing at the idea of him saying that four letter word, and she's planning on getting us into trouble at the lingerie party this weekend to get us out of it. "No papers, No promises", she's saying. But do I want to run from every decent guy that comes my way, or is he just not it?