The signs said 'stop', but we went on whole-hearted... It ended bad, but I love what we started.
The above is a line from one of my favorite songs by Fiona Apple, "Parting Gift". And basically, it has a lot of relevance to me today... Today is the day that I finally decided to stop lying to myself about men -- one man, specifically. I think it's important that we stop deceiving ourselves if we expect the opposite sex to. (Or the same sex. I don't discriminate against my LGBT!) And sometimes, it's hard to suddenly face the truth. But tough shit, you know? Lots of things in life are hard. That's another idea you're just going to have to get used to, if you expect to really make something with your life. But I digress...
Today, I decided to "break up" with my nonsensical ideas of what The Nigerian is to me. Am I actually breaking up with him? No. Why? Well, because (a) we were never actually in a relationship and (b) I still find value in keeping him around. But I've decided to break up with the mental horse manure that I kept feeding myself to keep hope alive. It sucks, but if I'm ever going to find my MaybeJew... I had to do it.
You see, I let myself fall wholly and stupidly for someone just because they made me feel good about myself. And while there is nothing wrong with falling someone, having someone make you feel sexy, or enjoying someone that makes you feel sexy... When you become dependent on them, that's when the shit hits the fan. When you become dependent on someone else to either make or break your happiness, that's when you've lost your goddamn mind.
So there I was, all lost and fallen... but I was still hanging onto him. Well, not "him", exactly -- but what I want(ed) him to be. Even though he explained to me that he didn't want to be with me and that all we'd ever be was "justfriends", I still held onto that little glimmer of hope that we'd become something more. Even though I've witnessed him woo other girls and seen the evidence of this wooing, I still believed that he'd finally see the light. But the truth is: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME. Ding-dong, Michelle, your fucking common sense is HOME! And oh, it feels so good.
And it's not to say that he doesn't like me. It's not to say that I still don't want to be JUST friends with him... But if I'm ever going to move on, I need to let that ship of romantic possibility SAIL SAIL SAIL. Bon voyage, misplaced affection!
I really like him; it's true. And I really care about him and value our friendship. But he'll never be the love of my life. I have confronted that reality head-on. And I'm okay with that. When you reallyreallyreally like someone, you want them to hold that potential of being the "IT" for you. You want to entertain the thought of "forever" with them -- (a) it's so nice to think about; (b) you get caught up in the emotions; and (c) it's a lot easier than having to imagine how much the post-crush affects will suck. But the truth is, he doesn't have that potential for me. I don't think his chapter in my book is up yet... but it's taken a very different turn.
The truth is: I'm not ready to compromise or settle for less than what I've dreamed of, less than what I'm owed. By saying "Yeah, I'm okay with that" to finding another girl's sunglasses in his apartment, to another girl bringing him food to work, and to him flirting with another girl in my presence; I'm really saying, "No, I don't think I can do better than you." And I can do better than that. I may not need to find my soulmate right now... but I want someone who I can really love, who will REALLY love me. All the time, no matter what, with nothing else on the side. That's something I can't compromise on. Call it being selfish... I call it wising the fuck up. I want someone to love me so much that they don't need anyone else. And if I can't have that, then I'd much rather start focusing on myself and my goals (and slutting it up as much as possible before I go off to NY).
R.I.P. Nigerian FlirtationSHIT May 2008 to September 2008. You will NOT be missed.
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