Take it or leave it.

I've had enough of the at times snarky "so why are you single" (read: what's wrong with you?) comments, so I'm writing what I want from a guy, and what I bring to the table. Hopefully you can put two and two together and realize that I'm not just gonna settle for any old thing.

1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.

2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.

3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.

4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before yiou, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.

5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.

6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.

7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.

8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.

9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.

10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.

11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.

12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.

13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.

14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.

15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.

16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.

17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.

18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.

19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.

20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.

21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.

Goodbye to my Colorado Sunrise

I've decided it's best to cut my Colorado Sunrise out of my life, and this is my goodbye post to him:

You have been at best, a gentleman and a sweetheart; at worst, a charlatan and a prick. I won't deny that The Spark has been/was/is abound, but at this point your cons are heavily outweighing your pros, and I need to cut back on the amount of shit in my life.

This isn't entirely your fault and I don't want you to think it is. I have made my share of screw ups in this FWB relationshit, and I own up to them all-- unlike you. My first mistake was falling for the potential, as I often do, and then even after you showed how low on the scale you could slink, my next mistake was assuming that it didn't bother me. Of course it bothered me, what was I thinking?

That's just it, I wasn't thinking. When it comes to you, I act first, think later. And that's not the best plan of action, especially when I start to like you again. That was my next mistake. I know what you're capable of, what you've done, what you haven't done and still got emotionally invested. Like a cruel joke being played on me by Fate.

You're my Colorado Sunrise, that's a position you won't lose, but I can't have you in my life this way anymore. Its starting to get too muddled, confused and crazy. I want you in my life, certainly, but right now I've got to reassign you, and haven't found a play yet. I'm trying to take my time with the reassignment because the last time your job description changed [[from PBM (Potential Boyfriend Material) to FWB (Friends With Benefits)]] I kicked myself in the shins really.

You won't fight for me, and for that really I'm thankful, here's hoping I'll stick with my guns and do what's best for me. Letting this Sunrise finally set.

We're past the last straw, now we're onto plastic cutlery

I have had enough of mixt signals, dropped communication, and bullshit. I'm pulling the plug on this. I had a perfectly working system with my no strings attached fuck buddy, but some thing's gumming up the works. And the whole purpose of me not dating is so I can avoid this whole entrapment mess shit. I'm really done this time.

I really want to stick by the decision this time because I'm frankly tired of this game playing. No orgasm is worth this aggravation, and point blank neither is he. I'm just trying to have some fun, but if this fun comes at this kind of price, no sir.

So as of this point, I have resigned from this fuck buddy relationshit, and am taking a vacation from sex. I have a lot on my plate at this point anyhow, and I don't need something like this swelling and festering into a bigger issue.

So good bye, good night, and good riddance on this whole bit; let's pray I actually can keep it up this time.

Why are you so i n f u r i a t i n g?!

This is severely frustrating. I cannot believe that you're pulling this again, aren't we past evasiveness and being coy? Honestly when you pulled this stunt back when I really liked you, that was irritating enough, but now when you have been on top of me (as well as other things) you wanna do this again?

NO. I'm not one of those whores you fuck who don't mind if you drop them and pick them up when you're bored and alone. N O. I am a prize, I'm a fucking catch, so why don't you act like it? You're not God's gift to women, not by a long shot, and frankly I'm tired of you being a child.

MAN THE FUCK UP. I don't see why we suddenly have this communication problem, you've shown no problem with your ability to text in the past and so help me I don't see why you're starting this nonsense now.

We aren't exclusive and we're not dating, I'm well aware of that. "No papers, no promises" has been my heralding phrase from the get go, but its common courtesy to send at least a "what's up" to the girl you're sleeping with. I'm trying to be an adult, but I'm tired of being the O N L Y adult here.

I don't date because of nonsense like this, and it really pisses me off that you're bringing this nonsense into my sex life. I like you as a FWB because you fit what I'm looking for right now, and it works. But when you pull this shit, it makes me wonder what your fucking game plan is. Do you want to cockblock yourself? Because God's green earth, you've certainly done it. You know, the first day when you didn't text I wanted to punch you in the face and then have hot angry sex with you, but now? All I want right now is to fucking uppercut you in the fucking groin and as you fall to the ground in pain I wanna drop kick you in the throat.

You better pray when you text me again, I'm in a great fucking mood, otherwise I'm tearing you a new one. And what's funny is if I do rip you a new one you probably won't understand where it's coming from. You'll be sitting there reading my texts saying "what is going on? what did I do?" That's sad that you won't know what you did wrong, so I'll make it simple for you-- IT'S BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THAT I'M FUCKING ANGRY.

Rage. I have so much fucking rage right now, I cannot wait to hear from you so I can give you a piece of my mind. I'm really hoping that this is the last straw for me so I can really wash my hands of you and all your bullshit. But if it's not then you're gonna have to straighten up or get better at taking my frustrations. I've deleted your number, so this one's on you. The ball is in your court and so help me if you don't get on the game soon I'm just gonna tell you plain and simple, "Lose my number, pretend we never met, if you see me, be a pal and don't fucking talk to me. I'm done with you."

I swear, if you try to charm your way back in because you've got a feeling I'm upset, I'll go straight to reaming you, I will not pass go and I will not collect $200. Let's be the adults we're supposed to be, because I'm done babysitting. I like you, I really liked you, and I want you to stay in my life because you're great to be around-- but GAWDDAMMIT you're infuriating. Idk if you think I want a relationshit from you and that's why you're doing the Kansas City Shuffle, but I could never date someone who's okay with forgetting me. I could never get attached to someone who's alright with not talking to me. I don't want to fall for someone who has no problem leaving me hanging. So don't go getting a big head, you're not the only one out there.

Never that.

I had sex with him. Yes, I lost my virginity to him. And now, I don't even know what that means.

Prior to that, he had been MIA for almost a week. And since Saturday night, I've had VERY limited contact with him -- contact that I had to initiate, by the way. And now I'm scared. Because I did something with him that actually has value to me. As bitter and cynical as I am towards love and dating, I still believe SEX is something you do when you care. Well, it's something that I did because I cared.

The whole time we were doing it, I thought to myself, "I'm okay with this. I'm okay with letting him be my first... because I care about him. I really care about him. And that makes it okay."

But what if it's not okay? What if I made a huge fucking mistake? I keep trying to explain it away in my head: "You know what this means, Michelle. It means he's just not that into you. You'll be fine with it." But I'm not fine with it. I let you shove your fucking penis inside me... for like, half an hour! It was the first penis to ever be shoved inside me! That means something. I'm not okay with that not being validated and acknowledged. So fuck you, royally. And I don't mean literally. I mean, I hope karma comes back and rapes you in the ass.

I rewarded bad behavior with pussy. I don't think this makes me a whore. I don't think this makes me weak. I don't even think this makes me over it. But it makes me think over everything. It makes me want to throw up and scream and cry. It makes me want to throw a tantrum and slap him in the face and ram my Expedition into his fucking Corolla. It makes me really fucking angry.

I'm not an idiot. I knew that having sex with him wouldn't make him love me. I didn't want him to love me. I just don't want to be caught up in this anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of him. As much as I care about him, love him even... Maybe? Yes? As much as I am consecrated to these emotions -- I didn't sign on for this. "I just suck at staying in contact." That's bullshit. It wasn't until recently that you "sucked at staying in contact". The optimist thinks that you care about me, but you're trying to push me away. The realist in me thinks you're just an asshole.

I hate you. I mean it this time. As much as I care about you and would be torn apart if you died... I hate you. You're not a real man. You're a figment of a little boy's hero-worshiping imagination. And I don't have time for fiction, boys, or heroes. I just want a man. I just want you. No titles, no complications, no long-term plans. All I've ever wanted or cared about was YOU. And that's the part you don't get. Being called your girlfriend would be nice. Being thought about and knowing that I'm thought about is even nicer.

Gawd, I hope you have the shittiest fucking day today. I hope you get an STD today... or in a car accident. I hope something shitty happens to you. Because that's how you make me feel sometimes.

So yeah... FUCK YOU.

I want to say that I ain't havin' this...

but so far no luck. I've said it a million times the past few days, but it bears repeating because I haven't learned anything. "I wish I could choose how to feel, because these emotions aren't cooperating." But I still feel the need to punish myself for how I feel.

So I started liking him again, it's understandable, but I still feel like a failure. I was doing so well for so long with not liking him, but so help me I fell back into old habits like a nun. Shit, I want to wash my hands of this whole thing, but everytime I try, it never ends up happening.

It's got to be that masochistic streak I've got, I want to milk every last bit of misery from every opportunity I get. This is ridiculous, I tell myself "we're done. I'm not giving him a chance to encore the reason he was cut from the PBL in the first place." and what have I done?! I've set myself up again!

I'm worse than a junkie who tells themselves that this time we'll go to rehab and we'll get our shit together, only to go behind the rehab center to suck a dick for a fix. Ok...maybe not haha sorry that came from nowhere. But honestly I don't know what the fuck I've gone and done this time.

My downfall is always potential, that's where I shoot myself in the motherfucking foot. I always fall for what could be instead of just rolling with what's on my plate now. I give myself too freely emotionally because I want to feel secure, safe, what have you. But I screw myself everyway but sunday by doing that, but do I change my wicked ways? Do I change the game plan? Uhhh, NAH.

I'm disappointed in myself, there goes my concept of self control. I should keep in my head that its "no papers, no promises" so there's nothing tying the two of us together . But nooo, T can't seem to keep that shit in perspective when it matters; I'd rather be all business until I accidentally find myself falling for a guy again. Then I'm ass over tits in trouble.

James Baldwin, you had me at "Love..."

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

I got that tattooed on the left-side of my ribcage on January 8th, 2009. And it sums up everything that I feel about love, men, relationships, and how those all interplay into Life. My mom disagrees. She says love shouldn't be difficult, it shouldn't be work... It should be as easy as two people just fitting together.

Well, then, I've got a confession: He and I, we fit.

No one understands it. I don't even understand it... but it's true. You see, it never works when I try to delete HIM from my life. He's always there -- around every corner. But when I delete all the external noise -- what my friends and family think of him, what I've been told about romantic relationships -- and just let us live in the moment, we fit. It's literally like putting on that perfect pair of jeans. They make your ass look great, hug your curves in all the right places, but are still comfortable enough to wear on Thanksgiving or during your period.

Mmhmm... He's my Fat Girl Jeans Faux-Beau. Are we dating? -Ish... Are we exclusive? Nope. Do I care? Not in this moment. In this moment, I'm still high off of the post-"I got some play at 9:45 a.m." euphoria. (I'm still a virgin... At least, this week.) Do I think he could be a huge mistake in the end? Sometimes. But I'd rather learn that for MYSELF, from MY LIFE EXPERIENCES... than from faceless advice from some dating book or unwanted input from people who aren't me. That's not naivete. And it's not me trying to be rude. It's just the truth.

I can't explain it to anyone. But this is how it goes: we're in each other's lives to teach lessons and to provide a growth process. Any other guy, I would've figured it out by now -- we're over. And then, I just let it die. But this doesn't die. Shit, I wrote an obituary for it almost four months ago, but it's still alive! That says a lot.

All I know is that I love him. In my own twisted little way, I love him. Not on that, "first true love" tip. But on that, "You were the first mile that made my heart break a sweat" tip. And I'm still running this race.


I'll make my own mistakes from here on out, ignite my own infernos, and surrender to my own Chaos. Why the fuck not?!

=]

Well, what's your problem?

So Hands McCoy and I have obviously been body touching, and I figured I wasn't the only girl who's been in that bed. My suspicions were confirmed when I was over at his apartment Saturday, but much to my delight, I didn't care. So today I was thinking, "Hey I don't want to inadvertently cock block him, so I should suggest we make a system!"

I suggested it to him, and he said "ok" and then never texted me back about it. Is he butt hurt? I mean, we're not exclusive and I'm trying to assist our non exclusivity by setting up a system designed to help each other succeed. WHAT BEEF DOES HE HAVE WITH THAT?! No papers, no promises!! We're not dating and I'm not looking to date a n y o n e, least of all a guy who's wooed half the free world.

Stupid boys. He's either upset that I'm considering other guys besides him, upset that I called him out (when I wasn't, I was stating fact), or he wanted to think he was a pimp and I was just a silly girl who didn't know any better. Silly boy, you can't play me, I have the pussy I make the rules. Someone just didn't let you know, I'm the Alpha boss bitch in this working relationshit, and you're the boy who's lucky enough to get a taste.