but so far no luck. I've said it a million times the past few days, but it bears repeating because I haven't learned anything. "I wish I could choose how to feel, because these emotions aren't cooperating." But I still feel the need to punish myself for how I feel.
So I started liking him again, it's understandable, but I still feel like a failure. I was doing so well for so long with not liking him, but so help me I fell back into old habits like a nun. Shit, I want to wash my hands of this whole thing, but everytime I try, it never ends up happening.
It's got to be that masochistic streak I've got, I want to milk every last bit of misery from every opportunity I get. This is ridiculous, I tell myself "we're done. I'm not giving him a chance to encore the reason he was cut from the PBL in the first place." and what have I done?! I've set myself up again!
I'm worse than a junkie who tells themselves that this time we'll go to rehab and we'll get our shit together, only to go behind the rehab center to suck a dick for a fix. Ok...maybe not haha sorry that came from nowhere. But honestly I don't know what the fuck I've gone and done this time.
My downfall is always potential, that's where I shoot myself in the motherfucking foot. I always fall for what could be instead of just rolling with what's on my plate now. I give myself too freely emotionally because I want to feel secure, safe, what have you. But I screw myself everyway but sunday by doing that, but do I change my wicked ways? Do I change the game plan? Uhhh, NAH.
I'm disappointed in myself, there goes my concept of self control. I should keep in my head that its "no papers, no promises" so there's nothing tying the two of us together . But nooo, T can't seem to keep that shit in perspective when it matters; I'd rather be all business until I accidentally find myself falling for a guy again. Then I'm ass over tits in trouble.
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