James Baldwin, you had me at "Love..."

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

I got that tattooed on the left-side of my ribcage on January 8th, 2009. And it sums up everything that I feel about love, men, relationships, and how those all interplay into Life. My mom disagrees. She says love shouldn't be difficult, it shouldn't be work... It should be as easy as two people just fitting together.

Well, then, I've got a confession: He and I, we fit.

No one understands it. I don't even understand it... but it's true. You see, it never works when I try to delete HIM from my life. He's always there -- around every corner. But when I delete all the external noise -- what my friends and family think of him, what I've been told about romantic relationships -- and just let us live in the moment, we fit. It's literally like putting on that perfect pair of jeans. They make your ass look great, hug your curves in all the right places, but are still comfortable enough to wear on Thanksgiving or during your period.

Mmhmm... He's my Fat Girl Jeans Faux-Beau. Are we dating? -Ish... Are we exclusive? Nope. Do I care? Not in this moment. In this moment, I'm still high off of the post-"I got some play at 9:45 a.m." euphoria. (I'm still a virgin... At least, this week.) Do I think he could be a huge mistake in the end? Sometimes. But I'd rather learn that for MYSELF, from MY LIFE EXPERIENCES... than from faceless advice from some dating book or unwanted input from people who aren't me. That's not naivete. And it's not me trying to be rude. It's just the truth.

I can't explain it to anyone. But this is how it goes: we're in each other's lives to teach lessons and to provide a growth process. Any other guy, I would've figured it out by now -- we're over. And then, I just let it die. But this doesn't die. Shit, I wrote an obituary for it almost four months ago, but it's still alive! That says a lot.

All I know is that I love him. In my own twisted little way, I love him. Not on that, "first true love" tip. But on that, "You were the first mile that made my heart break a sweat" tip. And I'm still running this race.


I'll make my own mistakes from here on out, ignite my own infernos, and surrender to my own Chaos. Why the fuck not?!

=]