1, 2, 3... GO!

It's been one wild ride. I can tell you that much. And it's days like these... when I'm excited for it to get a whole lot wilder.

I'm in good spirits today. Sound spirits, too, might I add. I'm not fucking up too much in school... with a little focus, I can fix it. I am about to mount my successful short play in New York... as director, too! And I think I may be employed. I'm still a hot mess. Or as I like to call it: CREATIVE CHAOS. Hey, I am just an infinite process/progress. And I'm alright with that.

I was really sad about the whole, "I don't get any play. I'm sexually destitute. I am not in love and nobody wants me!" thing. And then I realized that God -- yes, God -- just wants me to LIVE. No stress, no worries. Just do it. And when it all falls together... I can do "it". You know, the whole sex thing. The whole romance, love, relationship thing. I'm still set on that.

I listened to my roommate and male floormate have a heart-to-heart about sex last night. And basically, I was judged and ostracized because I still believe in the sacredness and intimacy of the whole act. Yes, I am a fan of lust and the sexual revolution. No, that doesn't mean you can just fuck whoever you want, when you want. If I'm going to my dirt... I want to do it with some I love, trust, and respect. And vice versa. I'm holding out on that. NO. MATTER. WHAT.

I don't judge others, though. If you slut it up... or even if you're not a slut, but you have had multiple casual partners... that's cool. I almost envy you in a way. But that's me. If you're sexually open and explorative and risky... I congratulate you! I'm not there. YET. I'm still prim and proper, sugar and spice, and mostly everything nice. Therese says I'm still a virgin really. And I'd agree. I have had my experiences... but I am not "experienced". And in a way, I don't want to be.

Call me crazy... but I want to WAIT. Not until marriage. But definitely until LOVE. Concrete, undeniable, genuine LOVE. All caps... you know I'm serious. So yeah... I'm abstinent again. I earned it. I deserve it. I OWN it. And I'm learning not to give a FUCK what anyone else thinks or does. (Pun intended.) Sex is now literally equated with coming into myself... and making a connection with someone else after. In other words, it's another one of the processes I'm involved in. And it may seem like nothing is happening for a while.

There's no rules. There are examples. There are other people's experiences and opinions and advice. But there are no rules. But for now, I know that I need to just be cool, haha... I don't want to have sex with anyone right now. Of course, I miss it. It's hot. Duh. But there's sooooooo much more to it than that.

And yeah, I won't lie... I am waiting for Mr. Right, even if he's not Mr. Soul Mate. Again, that will all work itself out. So until then...

I run like hell towards everything I want in my life. I can't forget that. I can never forget that.