Love is excruciating, exciting, encompassing, enraging. Love is a liar. Love isn't happily ever, nor is it roses and ribbons. Love is that sigh he makes before he falls asleep in your arms. Love is a farting contest that ends when someone decides to torch one. Love isn't sappy cards, or candle lit dinners. Love is a war, a battle. Love isn't a goal, it's a journey.
Sometimes I wish I could make love a little more specific, a little less cryptic-- silly me. Love is so many different things, so many different ideas. I love him, I love you, I love my family, my friends, my dog-- so many different types, but all one thing.
Love is love.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
We're stronger than we give ourselves credit for...
I ended it.
I finally took control of a situation -- mustered up the balls, opened my mouth, let down my guard. All of it. I did the one thing I thought I would never be able to do (well, at one point in my life): confront someone honestly and openly. It didn't include dramatics or waterworks or hysterics. No cussing, no tears, no cinematic qualities. It was just me finally being strong.
And this is what it all comes down to: STRENGTH.
I find it incredibly hard to be a strong person deliberately... which is funny, because I'm often told that I am a strong person. But I honestly don't feel like it most of the time. I think I'm moderately strong by default. I come from strong people; it's inherent. My parents have had to go through a lot. My family members have had to go through a lot. I have had to go through a lot. Everyone goes through a lot -- life is a fucking challenge. I've just been blessed enough to come from a foundation that doesn't falter. I was never really given a choice, you know?
But there are certain aspects of my life that I'm very weak in. I used to try to avoid admitting this. No one likes accepting that they have weaknesses. And to voice them out loud? Well, that's just really something we don't like doing. But I am doing it. I'm laying it all out on the line. I'm not going to run from it anymore. I'm not going to hide it behind all the things I do well and pretend like it fixes everything. Instead, I'm going to work on my weaknesses.
And confronting him was one of my first steps. Because for so long, I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I thought I was imprisoned to him, to my feelings. And then I thought, "Okay, maybe I can end it... but I can't tell him why." But the truth is: I am not a hostage to some guy... and I can tell him that. I can tell anyone that actually: you will not make or break me. I'm enough.
I think this is what it all comes down to.
I needed to believe in myself, believe that I AM ENOUGH. I needed to accept that I couldn't change certain things, but I also needed to confront the fact that there are certain things about myself that do need changing -- my ability to take control, to work harder for the things I want, to not rely on others so much. And those are things that I have to do myself. I need this time to be alone now... more than ever. Because I haven't really learned how to be alone. Without wanting anyone else there to validate or catalyze me.
It all boils down to STRENGTH -- the strength of my character, the strength of my footing in the world. That's all that any of us need. And that's what I'm going to do; that's what I'm going to be about.
I finally took control of a situation -- mustered up the balls, opened my mouth, let down my guard. All of it. I did the one thing I thought I would never be able to do (well, at one point in my life): confront someone honestly and openly. It didn't include dramatics or waterworks or hysterics. No cussing, no tears, no cinematic qualities. It was just me finally being strong.
And this is what it all comes down to: STRENGTH.
I find it incredibly hard to be a strong person deliberately... which is funny, because I'm often told that I am a strong person. But I honestly don't feel like it most of the time. I think I'm moderately strong by default. I come from strong people; it's inherent. My parents have had to go through a lot. My family members have had to go through a lot. I have had to go through a lot. Everyone goes through a lot -- life is a fucking challenge. I've just been blessed enough to come from a foundation that doesn't falter. I was never really given a choice, you know?
But there are certain aspects of my life that I'm very weak in. I used to try to avoid admitting this. No one likes accepting that they have weaknesses. And to voice them out loud? Well, that's just really something we don't like doing. But I am doing it. I'm laying it all out on the line. I'm not going to run from it anymore. I'm not going to hide it behind all the things I do well and pretend like it fixes everything. Instead, I'm going to work on my weaknesses.
And confronting him was one of my first steps. Because for so long, I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I thought I was imprisoned to him, to my feelings. And then I thought, "Okay, maybe I can end it... but I can't tell him why." But the truth is: I am not a hostage to some guy... and I can tell him that. I can tell anyone that actually: you will not make or break me. I'm enough.
I think this is what it all comes down to.
I needed to believe in myself, believe that I AM ENOUGH. I needed to accept that I couldn't change certain things, but I also needed to confront the fact that there are certain things about myself that do need changing -- my ability to take control, to work harder for the things I want, to not rely on others so much. And those are things that I have to do myself. I need this time to be alone now... more than ever. Because I haven't really learned how to be alone. Without wanting anyone else there to validate or catalyze me.
It all boils down to STRENGTH -- the strength of my character, the strength of my footing in the world. That's all that any of us need. And that's what I'm going to do; that's what I'm going to be about.
Friday, April 10, 2009
I wondered why I hadn't replaced him yet.
Now I know why. My friend decided she was going to intervene and set up a date of sorts with a guy she knows. He started aiming me and at first I was like "Wow, communication! How I've missed thee." When his aiming turned into an interrogation about my sex life and less about me, I raised an eyebrow. Then I turned it back on him, only to find he's bedded 22 girls-- let's dissect that for a sec, he's bedded [[most without a rubber btw]] twenty-two girls in 7 years, wrap your mind around that math.
This is the reason I'm still with Colorado Sunrise, because I'm a little more than a notch in a bedpost. Not because I love him, like him or whatever.
ok I'm lying haha I do love him [[not as I-can't-live-without-you-soulmate love, but more like you've-got-a-place-in-my-life-friend kinda love]], and the fact that he's not a man-whore does help his standing in my favorites list.
This is the reason I'm still with Colorado Sunrise, because I'm a little more than a notch in a bedpost. Not because I love him, like him or whatever.
ok I'm lying haha I do love him [[not as I-can't-live-without-you-soulmate love, but more like you've-got-a-place-in-my-life-friend kinda love]], and the fact that he's not a man-whore does help his standing in my favorites list.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Lessons Learned
1. Nothing ever happens "like in the movies". This is real life, NOT FICTION. Don't delude yourself in the fairytale trap.
2. The advice you get from your best friends, family, and dating books will be utterly useless to you... unless you decide to take it and completely follow through. Otherwise, get comfortable with being confused. None of that shit makes sense. Stay away.
3. Be in control. You set your boundaries. You also control how you will feel about someone. Don't fall into the victim trap.
4. Have a social life. It'll make all the disappointment hurt less. If you're too busy having fun, you won't notice that he hasn't called you in a week.
5. Chivalry is not dead -- let him chase you. Courtship is a must. And yes, you MUST be courted. Feminism did a lot for women; but it fucked up the dating game. Put yourself back in 1914 and let the man do his job.
6. Sex is messy. Just know that. It's not about doing it or not doing it. Just know that whatever you choose (or don't choose) to do, it's going to be difficult. My advice: wait as long as possible before you take it to that level... and talk about it a lot before, during, and after you do.
7. Communication is everything. If you can't be willingly open, honest, and vulnerable -- DON'T GET INVOLVED. If he is not willingly open, honest, and vulnerable -- DON'T GET INVOLVED. Communication is everything in a relationship. And ignoring that will not make things better.
8. Sticking around will not help. If he's not looking for a relationship... he's just not. Hanging around him won't change that. HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. It sucks... but suck it up. Move on to someone who is.
9. Love hurts.
10. Be your own boyfriend. Be set in yourself before you go looking for the love of your life. YOU are the love of your life. Seriously. I'm a firm believer in the fact that it's not love until you can fart and shit with that person in the room. Well, you're always there when you're farting and shitting. So be on great terms with yourself first.
TO BE CONTINUED
2. The advice you get from your best friends, family, and dating books will be utterly useless to you... unless you decide to take it and completely follow through. Otherwise, get comfortable with being confused. None of that shit makes sense. Stay away.
3. Be in control. You set your boundaries. You also control how you will feel about someone. Don't fall into the victim trap.
4. Have a social life. It'll make all the disappointment hurt less. If you're too busy having fun, you won't notice that he hasn't called you in a week.
5. Chivalry is not dead -- let him chase you. Courtship is a must. And yes, you MUST be courted. Feminism did a lot for women; but it fucked up the dating game. Put yourself back in 1914 and let the man do his job.
6. Sex is messy. Just know that. It's not about doing it or not doing it. Just know that whatever you choose (or don't choose) to do, it's going to be difficult. My advice: wait as long as possible before you take it to that level... and talk about it a lot before, during, and after you do.
7. Communication is everything. If you can't be willingly open, honest, and vulnerable -- DON'T GET INVOLVED. If he is not willingly open, honest, and vulnerable -- DON'T GET INVOLVED. Communication is everything in a relationship. And ignoring that will not make things better.
8. Sticking around will not help. If he's not looking for a relationship... he's just not. Hanging around him won't change that. HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. It sucks... but suck it up. Move on to someone who is.
9. Love hurts.
10. Be your own boyfriend. Be set in yourself before you go looking for the love of your life. YOU are the love of your life. Seriously. I'm a firm believer in the fact that it's not love until you can fart and shit with that person in the room. Well, you're always there when you're farting and shitting. So be on great terms with yourself first.
TO BE CONTINUED
Thursday, April 2, 2009
it's a heady discovery
it's a heady discovery when you realize that this is the most you'll ever get from a relationshit [[if we can call it that, rather we'll use Chelle's phrase "whatevership"]].
My Colorado Sunrise and I have The Spark, mutual attraction and compatible personalities, but we have nothing else. I mean, I can try and stretch the truth or delude myself into thinking that this is the awkward stage or it'll get better with time. But in the end I'll know, I'll know I've wasted time, energy and will power trying to create lemonade out of clouds and wind.
Just because I'm ass over tits for him doesn't mean that I'm going to get a happy ending, nor am I going to be loved the way I deserve to be loved.
I know now that I've found exactly what I was looking for at the beginning, someone I had The Spark with to touch my body with no-strings-attached. I was the one who kicked myself in the shin when I decided I was going to fall for him and his potential. shit, I fucked up guys.
My Colorado Sunrise and I have The Spark, mutual attraction and compatible personalities, but we have nothing else. I mean, I can try and stretch the truth or delude myself into thinking that this is the awkward stage or it'll get better with time. But in the end I'll know, I'll know I've wasted time, energy and will power trying to create lemonade out of clouds and wind.
Just because I'm ass over tits for him doesn't mean that I'm going to get a happy ending, nor am I going to be loved the way I deserve to be loved.
I know now that I've found exactly what I was looking for at the beginning, someone I had The Spark with to touch my body with no-strings-attached. I was the one who kicked myself in the shin when I decided I was going to fall for him and his potential. shit, I fucked up guys.
Single Lady!
I'm starting over again. In a way...
I became dependent -- overly dependent. I'm still dependent on him. It's not something that I can just turn off. Flip the switch and WOO! I'm done with it. It's a mental and emotional thing. I've done it before. I don't plan to do it again. But at least now I am admitting to it.
I hate feeling weak. There's a difference between vulnerability and openness... and being weak and accepting the role of the victim. I did the latter. And that's ridiculous. Why? Because in all my whopping 19 years, I never expected to become that kind of girl. You know, the girl that becomes obsessed with the guy she is currently involved with to the point that her very emotional well-being is correlated to her interaction with him. It's making me nauseous just to think about it.
I'm known as fiercely independent -- "the baddest bitch", as one friend likes to put it. But when it comes to me having feeling for a guy, I lose that. And that's kind of sad. I'm sure lots of people do it. They want their relationships to be successful, they care about the other person a lot -- so they invest a lot of themselves into it. However, I'm learning that Life is about BALANCE. And relationships are the biggest part of my life... so that lesson applies to them as well.
I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling obsessive. I don't like feeling... the way I do now. It's really hard to put my finger on it. If I had to, I would say it feels like I'm losing. Myself, my sanity, the game, his affection -- whatever. It doesn't matter. I just hate feeling like I'm not gaining anything, like this isn't building me into a better person.
This comes down to more than my wants or desires, some guy, sex, or whatever. It comes down to me and what I'm doing with my life. I've put so much energy and time and thought into all of this. And it SUCKS!
So I'm... starting over. From scratch. I don't know what this means for he and I. Probably nothing. It's not about him anymore. I don't want my life to be about a guy. I don't need my life to be about a guy.
I just need to be single right now.
I became dependent -- overly dependent. I'm still dependent on him. It's not something that I can just turn off. Flip the switch and WOO! I'm done with it. It's a mental and emotional thing. I've done it before. I don't plan to do it again. But at least now I am admitting to it.
I hate feeling weak. There's a difference between vulnerability and openness... and being weak and accepting the role of the victim. I did the latter. And that's ridiculous. Why? Because in all my whopping 19 years, I never expected to become that kind of girl. You know, the girl that becomes obsessed with the guy she is currently involved with to the point that her very emotional well-being is correlated to her interaction with him. It's making me nauseous just to think about it.
I'm known as fiercely independent -- "the baddest bitch", as one friend likes to put it. But when it comes to me having feeling for a guy, I lose that. And that's kind of sad. I'm sure lots of people do it. They want their relationships to be successful, they care about the other person a lot -- so they invest a lot of themselves into it. However, I'm learning that Life is about BALANCE. And relationships are the biggest part of my life... so that lesson applies to them as well.
I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling obsessive. I don't like feeling... the way I do now. It's really hard to put my finger on it. If I had to, I would say it feels like I'm losing. Myself, my sanity, the game, his affection -- whatever. It doesn't matter. I just hate feeling like I'm not gaining anything, like this isn't building me into a better person.
This comes down to more than my wants or desires, some guy, sex, or whatever. It comes down to me and what I'm doing with my life. I've put so much energy and time and thought into all of this. And it SUCKS!
So I'm... starting over. From scratch. I don't know what this means for he and I. Probably nothing. It's not about him anymore. I don't want my life to be about a guy. I don't need my life to be about a guy.
I just need to be single right now.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I can watch a sunset on my own...
When we first started talking... God, it was amazing! I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't. Everything about you just made me smile. Your hugs, your smell, your smile, our conversations. Especially our conversations. And the way you would flirt. It felt like I was finally getting what I wanted. It felt like I was finally getting my fairytale romance. You know, the ONE thing I've probably wanted since I was about seven years old.
And then... nothing happened. We kept talking, hugging, smiling, and flirting -- but that's it. I should've ended it then. Like my mother said. Because if you were about something, then you would've been about something from the beginning. You would've been considerate of the fact that I was 19 years old and had never been with anyone before -- I had never even been on a date. You would've tried harder. But instead, you decided to not try at all. And when I called you on it, you said it was because "you wanted me to take charge".
Bullshit.
You've been bullshitting me since the very beginning. Because the truth of the matter is: If you wanted to be with me, you would've by now. I wouldn't be your friend, your favorite, your nothing... I would be your girlfriend. And I'm not. So I need to move on. I do. I keep trying to find reasons to keep you around. But I can't anymore. I have driven myself INSANE for you. I have lied to be with you, cried to be with you, TRIED to be with you. And I'm not.
And I feel like such a fool. And I'm so hurt. And I'm so mad. Because I love you. I really do. Am I in love with you? I don't know. I don't think it matters. What matters is that I've loved you. I've wanted to be YOUR girl this whole time... and I'm still not. And I keep trying to blame people -- my mom, you, God, myself. Because then it'd hurt less. Because I never wanted to hurt like THIS for a guy again. But there's no one to blame. We just didn't work out. And I pray to God that I have the strength and emotional constitution to move on this time. Because I'm not a weak girl. And I'm not down to settle for less.
I want to say that I'll be able to get over you while still being your friend. But I don't think this is one of those cases. And I'm praying that it is. I'm praying that with each day that I wake up, I love a little less of you. But that I'll still be able to smile when I see you and talk to you. But I don't think I will be. And that hurts. It hurts so much. Because I'll still have to see you. I'll have to walk into work everyday and be reminded that you are on the other side... Be reminded of the first time we kissed. Or when you finally told me you liked me. Or when I lost my virginity to you. And that SUCKS.
And I don't think anyone has thought of how much that would suck for me. People either tell me that I should get over you, or I should just wait and see... But they don't realize how either way, it's going to eat me up inside. YOU don't see how it eats me up inside. It sucks that I can't be happy for my best friend... that she's fallen in love for the first time. Because I'm so insanely jealous that it's not me... insanely in love with you. It hurts when I have to keep my ears open at work, to see if you've been honest about your relationship to the other girls. It sucks when I am in your car or at your apartment... and I see remnants left from other girls -- sunglasses, your ex-girlfriend's monogrammed towels, text messages.
Because every time I go through THAT, I get bombarded with all the memories of when we first started... or when I felt like we were really going somewhere... or just plain good memories.
No one understands how much that really FUCKING SUCKS. And how I'm sitting here, bawling my fucking eyes out right now, snot running down my upper lip. And I just wish you would call or text more. I wish you would ask me to hang out... at all. I wish... you would've been the person I thought you were from the beginning. Because then I wouldn't feel pathetic. And I wouldn't feel like a fool. I wouldn't feel like I had just been played.
I wouldn't feel like you broke my fucking heart.
I just wouldn't feel.
And then... nothing happened. We kept talking, hugging, smiling, and flirting -- but that's it. I should've ended it then. Like my mother said. Because if you were about something, then you would've been about something from the beginning. You would've been considerate of the fact that I was 19 years old and had never been with anyone before -- I had never even been on a date. You would've tried harder. But instead, you decided to not try at all. And when I called you on it, you said it was because "you wanted me to take charge".
Bullshit.
You've been bullshitting me since the very beginning. Because the truth of the matter is: If you wanted to be with me, you would've by now. I wouldn't be your friend, your favorite, your nothing... I would be your girlfriend. And I'm not. So I need to move on. I do. I keep trying to find reasons to keep you around. But I can't anymore. I have driven myself INSANE for you. I have lied to be with you, cried to be with you, TRIED to be with you. And I'm not.
And I feel like such a fool. And I'm so hurt. And I'm so mad. Because I love you. I really do. Am I in love with you? I don't know. I don't think it matters. What matters is that I've loved you. I've wanted to be YOUR girl this whole time... and I'm still not. And I keep trying to blame people -- my mom, you, God, myself. Because then it'd hurt less. Because I never wanted to hurt like THIS for a guy again. But there's no one to blame. We just didn't work out. And I pray to God that I have the strength and emotional constitution to move on this time. Because I'm not a weak girl. And I'm not down to settle for less.
I want to say that I'll be able to get over you while still being your friend. But I don't think this is one of those cases. And I'm praying that it is. I'm praying that with each day that I wake up, I love a little less of you. But that I'll still be able to smile when I see you and talk to you. But I don't think I will be. And that hurts. It hurts so much. Because I'll still have to see you. I'll have to walk into work everyday and be reminded that you are on the other side... Be reminded of the first time we kissed. Or when you finally told me you liked me. Or when I lost my virginity to you. And that SUCKS.
And I don't think anyone has thought of how much that would suck for me. People either tell me that I should get over you, or I should just wait and see... But they don't realize how either way, it's going to eat me up inside. YOU don't see how it eats me up inside. It sucks that I can't be happy for my best friend... that she's fallen in love for the first time. Because I'm so insanely jealous that it's not me... insanely in love with you. It hurts when I have to keep my ears open at work, to see if you've been honest about your relationship to the other girls. It sucks when I am in your car or at your apartment... and I see remnants left from other girls -- sunglasses, your ex-girlfriend's monogrammed towels, text messages.
Because every time I go through THAT, I get bombarded with all the memories of when we first started... or when I felt like we were really going somewhere... or just plain good memories.
No one understands how much that really FUCKING SUCKS. And how I'm sitting here, bawling my fucking eyes out right now, snot running down my upper lip. And I just wish you would call or text more. I wish you would ask me to hang out... at all. I wish... you would've been the person I thought you were from the beginning. Because then I wouldn't feel pathetic. And I wouldn't feel like a fool. I wouldn't feel like I had just been played.
I wouldn't feel like you broke my fucking heart.
I just wouldn't feel.
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