What is this world coming to?

When did our "sexual revolution" become a "devolution" for the male gender? Where in our quest to level the playing field did we become the sole pursuers?

I'm honestly trying to wrap my mind around how I am not only being pursued by any guys, but how guys have come to expect that I do the pursuing. Listen. I want to be wooed, pursued, seduced like everyone else-- having a healthy sexual appetite doesn't mean I'm going to seek you out to bed you or what have you.

I'm beautiful, funny, charming, intelligent, witty and a good laugh to have around. So why am I single? I have no idea, so please stop asking me like it's my fault. That's one of my pet peeves, when someone says to me, "You're so gorgeous, why are you still single?" or "you're just too picky, there are loads of guys interested in you!" This isn't how this works; just because a guy is interested in me doesn't mean it is or will be mutual. So don't assume it's all my doing, because I can assure you its not.

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm too much for most men to handle, and I've come to terms with the fact that I can be too much for anyone to handle at times. I'm not looking for love, because when it's meant to happen, it will-- all I'm looking for in a guy is fun times, a good kisser, a great sense of humor and if he can make me feel like the lady I am. Is that so hard to find? Yes, damn near impossible.

and like an idiot...

I took the bet. Fuck. Me. Sideways. A friend of mine bet I couldn't do without sex until she had sex, so I figured "hell I'm already not having sex, why not?" now I've realized what I've done. And I'm P I S S E D.

Ughhh so I figure I'll at least write about it, someone will have some laughs or will feel the same haha idk.

Abstinencechronicles.blogspot.com
Enjoi my misery.

This Obsession

This obsession is catching let me tell you. It's like wildfire, passing with a glance, a touch, a whispered word, heated caresses in an empty room-- Lust. My sin of choice is gaining speed in my life, haha, and I've realized that this want, need, obsession-- call it what you want-- is an important part of me. I couldn't date a guy or even think of being with a guy knowing that it's not an option for him. As horrible as that sounds, I'm like that guy who dumps his virgin girlfriend because she won't have sex with him. Wow. Haha only I'm not going to lead some girl on into thinking I love her so I can bed her, oh no, I'm not stooping that low. But I know that I can't fully get into a relationship with a guy knowing we're never going to be physical because I know in my heart of hearts that it's only a matter of time before I seek it elsewhere or temptation befalls me. I'm strong, but if the opportunity presents itself and I'm not committed, believe you me, I'm leaping at the opportunity.

Sex is as much a part of me as writing or dancing, so if a guy has a problem with that, he can take his pansy ass somewhere else with that.

as a woman.

I am proud, grateful, escstatic, and unashamedly stoked to be a woman. To me, it's almost like being a superhero-- it's really awesome, and you get to do all this awesome stuff but it's a huge responsibility. Being a woman isn't just getting dolled up or giving birth or having boobs, it's really about being strong throughout all your fragility. It;s about being a pillar and a foundation for your friends and family. Its about knowing when to get swept off your feet, and when to sweep the losers out onto the doorstep.

Women get a bad rap when we try to level the playing field because we're in a male driven society, and they've got to resort to low level black balling. Because we present a challenge. I have always believed that women could do anything men can do and thenn some; my favorite example is Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire. People go on and on about how amazing Fred Astaire is, and he's got countless schools named for him. But Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in heels. Case in point? She's got him beat, especially since she made it look flawless.

Personally, the woman I'm becoming is resilient, optimistic, cynical, cutting, thick skinned and always classy. I stand by my belief that a woman is always multi-faceted, unlike her simple companion, man. So I am always deep, different and all encompassing. I'm compassionate, passionate, empathetic, and utterly mad at times. As a woman, I can go completely off my rocker on a friend and then as soon as that mood is gone help them gather their wits and send them on their way with a hug and a kiss. I am completely comfortable with my emotions and my lack of shame; if I were a man, this would prove to be problematic, but because I'm a woman I'm "allowed". Emotions aren't a sign of weakness, they're a sign of strength. It's hard work to face how you're feeling, confront it and muster up the courage to show the world exactly how much it hurts or not. Anyone can shut up their emotions in a jar and never address it, but it takes skill to lay everything on the table and accept it at face value.

As a woman, I am moving onwards and upwards. Keep up or get out of the way. I'm a classy boss bitch on a tear for the top, and I only roll with the best of my fellow women.

I need you like a stripper needs razor burn.

So perhaps my last post was a bit hasty. I was talking with a friend and instead of getting all upset over daVinci code's lack of balls, he reminded me to remember that not only am I sexual enough to have pulled daVinci code from the path of righteousness, I also prompted him to cheat on his significant other. Thanks James for putting it right in my mind.

But it doesn't help that daVinci code has regressed. Ugh. Childish, another reason I have no patience for nor desire to be in a relationshit with anyone. The stress brought on by my own life is more than enough to keep me busy, I don't need to connect that with anyone else's, especially not with any one around here. Self-centered lot of bigots and ignorant fools, not appropriate significant other material for a boss such as I.

Seeing as how I am in no man's land, daVinci code is probably my best bet for getting any, so I'm gonna need him to wrap up this battling demons thing and just grow a set AND TEXT ME! I just need a guy to take me in a manly fashion, to just make me feel dirty and girlish. Why is that so difficult?

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, the only ones interested in touching my body (besides the fluke find of daVinici code) are freaks, losers, rude black guys and Fuckbaggerson. I don't know what that doucher is still texting me trying to rekindle the flirtationshit we had over the summer. I grew tired of being mind fucked all the time so I cut it off, now he has no attention from me and it's driving him mad. "Hey wanna bang tonight?" in a text message to me, despite how desperate you might think I am, does not make me want you. Remember I am a classy bitch with standards, which is how you were cut in the first place.

Speaking of that, what is it with guys and assuming that just because they're a (self-proclaimed, more often than not) good looking guy, that when they step to a girl she's going to drop trou and bed him where he stands? Listen, I've got the pussy so I'll be making the decisions here. Don't think that any dick will do; heavens no! I have needs just like any other person, but unlike a guy I have standards and will stick to them-- I'm not a slut, I have a healthy sexual appetite.

Uh-Oh.

Well, it looks like I have cracked the daVinci code, the guy who's body I just touched, we'll call him daVinci code, may have been a virgin. "/oopps. no one told me this-- ok that's a lie. When I first spotted him, I had some friends ask around to fin out his deal. Here's what they returned with: he's got a girlfriend, he's a virgin and there's no chance with him. Hahaha well they underestimated me. I got him, and now realize he was a virgin. haha I'm so going to hell for this.

Now I've opened the floodgates, got my body touched just the once, and I want more. NOW. ugh, too bad the virgin is probably battling his demons of having sex, of cheating on his girlfriend and his girlfriend not being his first time. I've taken the guesswork, the footwork and the work work out of sex with me for him, and he can't be bothered to text back to give me a reply. According to some people I'm sexually intimidating, so he might just be scared. wtf? I know what I want and I know how I want it, how is that "intimidating"? A guy is experienced, he tells a girl what to do, she does it. A girl know what she wants, tells a guy how to do it and she's a whore and "intimidating"? BULLSHIT.

I'm too rabid and tired to keep writing about this without getting upset haha. Now I'll end with this question, why is it men go on and on about how they need to find a girl just to have sex with and nothing more, but when that girl appears they can't be bothered to get their shit together?

The 'Accidental Tease'

The Chronic Flirt &Runner is a girl who KNOWS what she wants. She KNOWS how to attract it. She KNOWS how to please it. She KNOWS how to get it. BUT… she doesn’t. She’s what you call the ‘accidental tease’/ or just plain, ‘Sabrey’ will suffice.

I have single-handedly perfected the art of the Flirt& Run. (Technically) My first kiss was in pre-school. *Yes, you have to start EARLY to fail this consistently* It was on the playground, with a fresh-out-of-Pampers audience, under an Osh-Kosh jacket with a round boy named Johnny Whit.

I can’t even remember if I enjoyed it, but the SETUP was all the rage (: [This is the demented mind of an accidental tease] How many people do you know that dig the Foreplay more than the deed? Anyway, I must not have been too love struck because I kept my labios to myself until I was about seventeen years old.

Now THAT’S the 1st kiss I keep on the books. The build-up was GREAT the event was kind of a flop. I swear to all that is right in this world that as soon as our lips parted I blurted out, “That’s it!?” No mind-boggling-off-the-wall-cant-catch-my-breath-tingling-and-sparks? I felt pretty bad after that and of course the boy felt insufficient so I guess he thought the suggestion of a French snog would sway my opinion of him… I tell you I couldn’t have gotten out of there fast enough after he UNRAVELED his gargantuan tongue in my mouth.

The accidental tease never realizes how disappointed she leaves her suitors. She has no scope of their needs. She naturally assumes that something awful for her MUST be as ashen for them. She is also her own biggest CockBlock.
*Does ANYONE else see how that monster tongue COULD have come in handy??* Yeah… it took me TWO years to realize that…
Let’s be honest, the root cause of the Chronic Flirt& Run is extreme sexual na·ive·té.

I’ve left many a prick in launch mode without a second thought. I’ve enticed many a booty-call and let the return call go to voicemail. I’ve talked a mighty good game and played them before they saw it coming. And now, I am SUFFERING the wrath of Vag-Drought because MotherKarma is a betch out with a vengeance against me and my accidental tendencies… -_-

Reader's Digest version of my week.

Chep texted me the other day, and thank God, no nostalgic longing or romance swept over me. Just annoyance because he didn't spell anything right. He's trying to keep me interested, I recognize this tactic, the occasional lure to make a girl think you're thinking of her, and miss her. I've used it-- on him. haha and he thinks I'm not going to realize he's using one of my tricks? Silly boy, that's why you were cut to begin with. He's still doing nothing with his life, so what would redeem him to be back on my list?

I'm still on the lookout for some body touching sadly, and my search is turning up blank. My dreams are getting more and more explicit and more and more detailed. It's going to be my undoing. I've started gaugeing every guy I see, and it gets kind of annoying when I'm doing it to guys who are like family.

I'll end this short post with this question, "Why is it when a girl's looking for chivalry, it's nowhere to be found. But when she's looking for debauchery, all the bad boys are reformed?"

Rabid enough to outsource.

I am so rabid [[note: that's my word for being: randy, horny, aroused, turned on etc.]] that I've taken to replacing the sex I'm not having with naughty books. Not like romantic novels, or just erotic literature, but actual literal works. "Diary of a Sex Fiend" has comforted me on the fact that I'm not the only woman who seems to be "gagging for a shag" as Abby Lee puts it. "Confessions of a Working Girl" had me actually considering a job in a brothel. "Nights in Black Lace" helped me decide I want a man who can make me feel dirty and girlish at the same time.

I haven't gotten any body touching or even a hot and heavy make out session since Chep in AUGUST. That may not seem like that long of a period to some people, but to me I'm at the end of my tether wishing for a bit of slack. I'm going off the wall so much I'm running the risk of desensitizing. Vibrators and the like are fine and dandy-- to supplement REAL SEX-- but on their own they're not fulfilling my needs.

It's starting to affect my emotions, this sexual drought I find myself in. I'm short tempered and at times a raging bitch. For example, some guy said I'm a bit forward about sex and any other time I would've laughed it off or talked about it. But oh no, not today. I tore him a new one about how it's my body and I can do what I want. Poor thing didn't know what was coming. But it's true! It's my pussy, I'll do what I want. I'm a big girl now, I know what I want, like and need.

Ugh, for my sanity and for the sake of everyone around me, let's hope I get some soon.

Good Riddance, and Good Bye.

Tonight I've been thinking about every guy in my past, and how my life was when I was with them. I was always so enthusiastic about every single relationship--giving my all, every single time like it was the first relationship. I think it just shows the tenacity of my heart; how it gives unconditionally and still keeps a optimistic view on love.

But even with all the giving and giving of myself, I wasn't relieved to be free of the relationships until my heart grieved for each one. I never thought to make a "Good Riddance List" until now, and most times I never got the chance to be vindictive. I'd have loved to metaphorically shove every memory and sweet kiss into a big cardboard box and shove it onto their doorsteps. Having never gotten the chance to do so, and being inspired by Rihanna's "Breaking Dishes" (I'm kicking asses/ I'm taking names/ I'm on flame/ don't come home babe/ I'm breaking dishes up in here/ I am killing time, you know bleaching your clothes/ I am roasting marshmallows on the fire/ And what I am burning is your attire) I'm going to create the Ultimate Good Riddance Blog.

Let's start from our first boyfriend, Blue Eyes. Blue eyes was a family friend's nephew and we hit it off right away. We didn't get together till 2 years after we first met, and soon after I found out he was kicked out of his private Christian school for selling pot. I thought nothing major of it at the time, and he was sent to military school. We broke it off after 4 months, and then he went into heavier drugs, and a seedier scene. I've only seen him once since, and everytime we talked on the phone, he was worse and worse off. If I could say one thing to him after all this time it'd be, "Wow. You've really gone downhill. Doesn't this seem like a sign to get your life together?"
Now onto his list:
-he wasn't one for deep conversation, in fact I can't remember a single conversation we've ever had;
-his breath was always weird, now I have a feeling it was the drugs he was using;
-he sold drugs, more evidence of his idiocy;
-and finally, he never once told me how fabulous I was. I know this may seem odd, but if you're in a relationship, it should always make you feel better about yourself, and you should never have to question if you're appreciated and adored.

Next boyfriend on the list is Jock. I'd love to tell him "you may have mind fucked me for years, but at least I'm not the one who's still in high school." We've already got his background so we'll head straight to the list:
-he would leave all the move making to me and take credit for it, citing he didn't want to take the relationship anywhere I didn't feel comfortable, too bad the one where you'd think this little rule would apply it didn't (sex, I was underage and he was 18, at least, but I let him think I was a virgin);
-he never took me to a single school dance our entire year+ relationship, I'd show up at the dance and he'd already be there, with some girl on his arm, after either saying he wasn't going or not talking about the dance at all;
-we never did anything outside of football games or school, showing how our relationship meant to him, we were simply something that didn't exist once he left school;
-I never met his family during our relationship, and after nearly a year, and him saying how much I meant to him, you'd think this was important;
-girls always seemed to be "kissing him", more than once he'd tell me that some girl either kissed him or tried to kiss him, that doesn't bode well for us;
-he was telling the football team about me, and not all of his "stories" were true, I kept getting wind of this "story time" but he would always deny it. He like to say "the only people you can trust are me, Jeff and Cameron. We'd never lie to you" but when Jeff and Cameron both come up to me talking about the stories Jock would give, and asking me for confirmation, that was a sign someone was lying to me;
-he was constantly breaking up with me, that sounds harsher on me than it really is, but he was always seeming to be on the verge of leaving me. whether he meant for me to always beg for him to stay or chase after him, I'll never know, but because I was young and naive, I did it. Now thinking about it makes me cringe, no man who really loves a woman will ever mess with her emotions like he did me.

The next fellow on my list of relationshits is the one we'll call Mr. Huh. He was a close friend that became a friend with benefits. We decided to try dating for a bit, but all of our chemistry and spark really came when we were unattached, so us as a couple didn't last long. It was in fact so short, many of my friend's aren't and weren't aware we were ever an item, let alone touching bodies, so when I bring him up now, they're like "Huh? Who's that?". What's funny is I have nothing to say to him, not even after making this list. His list is as follows:
-he was the typical so-cal beaner, in a gang, often truant, no immediate or long term plans to do anything with his life;
-didn't value me as a woman, let alone an equal. He would pull the typical "if-I-can't-understand-it,-why-is-it-important" bit often when I brought up college or the future;
-partied more than he saw me, along with sleazy whores who would be all over him when we were together;
-wasn't a gentleman, at all. His friends not only knew we were hooking up, but often leered at me like they were next in line;
-made me feel used once, and I will never feel like that again.

I took a hiatus from the dating world for a year after Mr. Huh, but picked up again with Sighh. We call him "Sighh" because he is to date, the longest relationshit I've ever been in. He was generally sweet, shy and pleasant the beginning of our relationshit, but soon enough the true colors showed through. He became controlling, jealous, possessive, and whiny. He was sigh-worthy at first, then as time went on it because an exasperated sigh. What I'd love to tell him is, "You've not only made me second guess my dreams and be more determined than ever to shake the dust of you, but you've also made me swear off Mexicans." His list is:
-not the brightest crayon in the box, his only topics of conversation were cars, defense in football, and his family. anything else was lost on him and he wouldn't speak;
-he never made an effort to get to know my friends or to speak when we hung out because they were "too crazy" or "too loud". we always hung out with his friends;
-he also never made an honest effort to get to know my parents, especially not my dad. he was always so "afraid" so we were alwaysat his house;
-he had no plans for his life, and had the nerve to try to plan my life alongside his deadend one. The extent of them was we were going to get married, I wasn't going to move with my family, move into his mother's two bedroom house with his whole family, or go to USC. RUDE. He also got mad when I would bring up college plans or ask for his;
-he had a temper problem, I never saw this one coming, but when I was with my gay older brother--now let me repeat that, my gay older brother-- he called me and flipped out on me because I was "with a guy without him";
-he was so manipulative, be it guilt trips, or temper tantrums, or old fashioned intimidation, we did what he wanted and there was little room for me to do anything else. I was talking to his pregnant sister-in-law and his younger sister, I didn't hear him calling me, so he came outside, yelled at me and grabbed me. I got so upset I hit him and he lost it. That was the beginning of the end;
-he was a hypocrite. He could have female friends, I couldn't have male friends. He could have plans for the weekend with his buddies to party, I couldn't go to the movies with friends. I did it all anyway, and did more to spite him, more signs that it wasn't going to work;
-he cheated on me. I was devastated sure, but it was fleeting. The next day I went on a date with Jock, after spending most of the afternoon with Mr. Huh in his apartment. We were over by the end of the week.

The last boyfriend I've had was BS. Words of wisdom for him? "Get off your ass. Cut your hair. Get a new job. Grown the fuck up." His list:
-he was so damned lazy. he never wanted to work, go to class, drive or do anything that wasn't smoke weed or play video games;
-he was in college but had no plans. So not only is he wasting his life, but also wasting his parent's money;
-never followed through, when I first met him he had plans to be a child psychologist and work with troubled teens at the Y, etc. Then once we were together, I noticed that all the grand plans he had were just facades and screens. They all fell through and he is still at the same dead end job he bitched about our entire relationshit;
-never wanted to do anything in the outside world, he was a recluse and tried to make me do the same. After Sighh, I was a bit more impervious to guilt trips, but its the damn giving I do;
-didn't care for his personal hygiene like he should have, if you're going to have long hair and facial hair, take care of it. this isn't the hippy era and dammit, you're not cute. it was charming at first but really? not attractive;
-was embarrassing in front of people, there is never a need to grope me in public. PERIOD. Respect me, don't try to make me seem like some sex toy, or mark your territory in front of guys. It's rude and annoying;
- was oftentimes rude to my friends, and that's inexcusable. They were here before you and they'll sure as hell be here after, so if you want to stick around, you make nice with them;
-never met my parents, I've brought him to meet my parents loads of times, but this asshole never said a word and always made up some excuse to be late and leave early. I guess I was not worth meeting my parents, and I know I'm that and more;
-didn't respect me, this is on his list twice because it just irks me. especially towards the end (translation:when I got fed up), he was so disrespectful to me, treating me like some mindless woman who caters to his every whim, that it made me resent him;
-his drug stories, I don't care if you used to do acid or ecstasy, that's your business, but don't name drop every chance you get. you're not an expert, and its really annoying. AND don't tell me what drugs I can and can't handle, I'll be the judge of that, asscock;
-his heroes were Cheech and Chong, the Big Lebowski, Johnny Depp's character in "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" and hippies. Does this not say it all?;
-was a one trick pony, if the conversation didn't involve drugs, video games or his heroes, then he was utterly useless and would sit sullenly in a corner while me and friends discussed politics, philosophy, and religion. then he would bitch about how I ignored him all afternoon, etc;
-resented my intelligence, on more than one occasion he would snap at me "well we can't all be geniuses like you". Its not my fault you don't go to class, let alone open a book, so don't get mad at me because I'm correcting you.

Now the last boy officially in my dating history is Chep, we've had a minor background on him, but we'll go in a bit deeper. We met through Jock my freshman year of high school, and kept in touch till this past summer. He had a huge thing for me my sophomore and junior years of high school, but we never acted on it, because I didn't feel the same way about him. We would randomly contact each other the next few years, and when I finally went back to California this past summer, he was so excited to see me. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to fit him in, but he showed up at a surprise party for me. I was thrown for a loop, he wasn't the awkward geeky kid I remembered from high school, he was HOT. He was still quirky and charming, and we started talking at the party. There was mutual body touching, and promises we didn't mean, ending with me coming back to Texas. What I'd love to say to him is, "You've got all kinds of potential and you've been methodically flushing your life down the toilet. Just call it a day, your ego is too big to fit down the drain." Here's his list:
-he messes around with high school girls, and he's 21. wow, way to have standards, buddy;
-he isn't in school, nor does he have a job;
-he is content to ride through life, doesn't have any dreams of changing his life;
-he wants to be a rapper, in my opinion for most this is a cop-out, you don't want to have to work or do anything but party, so you're going to do a job that requires minimal input time. If you're not constantly working on your music, or in a studio and all you do is say "I wanna be a rapper", then get over it, you're never going to be one;
-he thought he was using me for sex, silly boy. I get what I want when I want it, you never get in my pants unless I want you there, don't think you charmed your way in against my wishes;
-he told his roommates about us hooking up, and then tried to have me hook up with some guy a few nights later. this is another time I was disrespected. I chewed him and the guy out but good;
-he thought and still thinks that he's got me wrapped around his finger. arrogance is not becoming of anyone.

Now a quick little shout-out section to the guys in my life who've played a minor role in my love life:
-Jeffery Howard, for being my first crush ever, you weren't the most graceful about turning me down, but you did set the precedent for me to always be wary;
-Stephen, for being exactly who you are, and you know why you're on here;
-Twin Steven, for being that friend who we always had the potential to be more, but wanted to preserve the friendship, thank you for always putting my needs first;
-Fuckbaggerson, for being that potential out-of-this-universe love then totally cocking it up, you saved us both a life of grief, though you didn't have to be a total fuckass about it;
-G-baby, you were literally the first "love of my life" and our flirtationship or whatever it was lasted 5 years, you showed me that I deserved to always be adored, and reminded of how amazing I am. Though after 5 years of near misses, failed chances, and constant close calls, we never had the chance to see where we could have ended up, I'll never regret a moment of it.

The thing about retrospect is that it's a double-edged sword; a beautiful think that shows you all the ins-and-outs, but its a tool that shows you how you've totally and utterly fucked up. Looking at these lists, and making them, shows me how totally unfit all these guys were to date me. Also, how much time I wasted in dead end relationshits, and how much energy I expended trying to make them work. I've learned now that these guys were stepping stones, and the compilation of these stories, these guys, will help me to be a smarter hopeless romantic. I'll be able to navigate the dating world with my homemade map, and avoid the pitfalls and oneway streets I've already ventured down. I'm following my own rules now, rules I've cultivated through my own personal experience, and one of the most important ones is "No papers. No promises." If he's not committed as much as I am, there's no point in me putting it and him on some pedestal; if I'm not adored as much as I should be, he's not gonna be the only one-- if at all.

This is the beginning of the rest of my love life, and I already know where it's all headed for. Gaspard Ulliel. I've decided I'm going to be the future Mrs. Therese Marie Crews-Ulliel; it's fated, and whether it happens or not, it doesn't hurt to have my standards high. It'll keep me from having to make another "Good Riddance List".

Dynamite! (It's time to blow some shit up...)

The signs said 'stop', but we went on whole-hearted... It ended bad, but I love what we started.

The above is a line from one of my favorite songs by Fiona Apple, "Parting Gift". And basically, it has a lot of relevance to me today... Today is the day that I finally decided to stop lying to myself about men -- one man, specifically. I think it's important that we stop deceiving ourselves if we expect the opposite sex to. (Or the same sex. I don't discriminate against my LGBT!) And sometimes, it's hard to suddenly face the truth. But tough shit, you know? Lots of things in life are hard. That's another idea you're just going to have to get used to, if you expect to really make something with your life. But I digress...

Today, I decided to "break up" with my nonsensical ideas of what The Nigerian is to me. Am I actually breaking up with him? No. Why? Well, because (a) we were never actually in a relationship and (b) I still find value in keeping him around. But I've decided to break up with the mental horse manure that I kept feeding myself to keep hope alive. It sucks, but if I'm ever going to find my MaybeJew... I had to do it.

You see, I let myself fall wholly and stupidly for someone just because they made me feel good about myself. And while there is nothing wrong with falling someone, having someone make you feel sexy, or enjoying someone that makes you feel sexy... When you become dependent on them, that's when the shit hits the fan. When you become dependent on someone else to either make or break your happiness, that's when you've lost your goddamn mind.

So there I was, all lost and fallen... but I was still hanging onto him. Well, not "him", exactly -- but what I want(ed) him to be. Even though he explained to me that he didn't want to be with me and that all we'd ever be was "justfriends", I still held onto that little glimmer of hope that we'd become something more. Even though I've witnessed him woo other girls and seen the evidence of this wooing, I still believed that he'd finally see the light. But the truth is: HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO ME. Ding-dong, Michelle, your fucking common sense is HOME! And oh, it feels so good.

And it's not to say that he doesn't like me. It's not to say that I still don't want to be JUST friends with him... But if I'm ever going to move on, I need to let that ship of romantic possibility SAIL SAIL SAIL. Bon voyage, misplaced affection!

I really like him; it's true. And I really care about him and value our friendship. But he'll never be the love of my life. I have confronted that reality head-on. And I'm okay with that. When you reallyreallyreally like someone, you want them to hold that potential of being the "IT" for you. You want to entertain the thought of "forever" with them -- (a) it's so nice to think about; (b) you get caught up in the emotions; and (c) it's a lot easier than having to imagine how much the post-crush affects will suck. But the truth is, he doesn't have that potential for me. I don't think his chapter in my book is up yet... but it's taken a very different turn.

The truth is: I'm not ready to compromise or settle for less than what I've dreamed of, less than what I'm owed. By saying "Yeah, I'm okay with that" to finding another girl's sunglasses in his apartment, to another girl bringing him food to work, and to him flirting with another girl in my presence; I'm really saying, "No, I don't think I can do better than you." And I can do better than that. I may not need to find my soulmate right now... but I want someone who I can really love, who will REALLY love me. All the time, no matter what, with nothing else on the side. That's something I can't compromise on. Call it being selfish... I call it wising the fuck up. I want someone to love me so much that they don't need anyone else. And if I can't have that, then I'd much rather start focusing on myself and my goals (and slutting it up as much as possible before I go off to NY).

R.I.P. Nigerian FlirtationSHIT May 2008 to September 2008. You will NOT be missed.

blast from the past.

Today at work, I had a run in with a past boyfriend's lookalike and the rush of feelings I got hit me sideways!

Now about the boyfriend, we'll call this one Jock, he was my first high school boyfriend and the closest thing to a heart break I've had. It was tumultuous, fast, and unbelievable. It was my introduction to the world of dating, and it covered just about every base; being cheated on, the beginnings of falling in love, lust, whispered sweet nothings, being wooed, breaking up and getting back together-- all of it. He was a senior when I was a freshman and it spanned just about a year and some change.

Well today at work, a guy with a southern accent ordered then pulled around to the window. he was looking down and pulling stuff out of his wallet, and I was reading his order to him, then he looked up. under his cowboy hat was Jock's face. almost exactly. it scared the shit out of me. the eyes, the lips, the cheekbones-- all of it. Seeing him brought up all the emotions I felt throughout all of Jock and I's relationshit: anger, lust, irritation, and twitterpation. Jock was the one guy who's had this affect on me, and even after all this time it still happens.

Just goes to show you, even when you finally banish them from your thoughts, men still have to make sure you never forget them. bastards.

standard bullshit.

Double standards? A given. They're just the standard bullshit that society feeds all of us to keep men in control, and women oppressed. Its a step backwards for all women who are finding themselves sexually or wanting to be more open sexually.

Men use words like "whore" and "slut" to demean women who have decided that restrictions are just that, restrictions used to limit us. [[Read: I said "whores" not "homewreckers" they're another breed all their own]] but that's just it. Words. Words only have power if you let them, and I've decided its bullshit.

This is me, officially saying, I'm gonna date and sleep around as I see fit. Its my pussy, I do what I want.

Midnight Love... Whaaaaat?

Men, love, and sex.

That seems to be 50% of the ongoing traffic in my brain now-a-days. The other 50% is theatre, poetry, music, NYU, goals, and "Damn, I'm so fucking hungry for __________." Men have one-track minds -- they constantly think of sex. But alas, women are more complex creatures. So the sex is often attached to the men they want to have sex with (or women; of course I'm not trying to exclude my lesbian sisters) and the men that they love so much that they want to have sex with.

And that's where we get fucked over.

L-O-V-E. It's dangerous territory. I once read a quote: "Love is not a battle, it's the whole war." Yeah, well, love is also the enemy. And love will kill your ass if you cross its lines. And you can quote me on that. Love is not for the faint of heart. Yet so many of us with our figurative asthma and heart disease yearn for, lust for, and dive into it blindly.

Ladies, we're doing it all wrong. We can't just hand them everything on a silver platter... and then act surprise when they pawn that platter for a cheap ring to give to their new whore. No... We have to stay guarded, armored, and have our AK-47s loaded, aimed, and ready to fire. Because if we're not, love will ambush you, take you as a P.O.W., and won't release you until the war is over. And we never quite know when it's over.


Anyways... I'm Michelle. This is one of my many rants on love. I promise to post something more cohesive and theme-oriented within the next few days.,

my love life, or lack thereof, to this point.

As a lets-get-to-know-one-another beginning blog, I thought I'd give you a brief this-is-whats-been-happening and my stance of romance, dating and relationshits.

I got my body touched by an old friend in California, but that was short lived, and even shorter still mourned for. We'll call him "Chep" haha, because we may reference to him on occasion.

My exboyfriend, apparently, has been referencing me as a name tag for himself. Confused? Here's how he apparently introduced himself to my friend:
Him: have we met before?
Her: uh, I think so maybe?
Him: oh yeah, we have. I'm therese's ex-boyfriend.
Her:......oh.
Wow, how charming, right? Ugh, we'll reference him as BS for the endearing petname he had when we were dating, Baby Sass, and the name he got after we broke up, BullShitter.

One thing I hate about relationshits is the total loss of self most girls go through. "He's my other half" or "he completes me" makes me sick. You were a WHOLE person your ENTIRE life before him, and now you're a part? That's just sad. Another thing I hate is the sense of possesion some guys get. "That's MY girl" isn't endearing when you're limiting her life to you and only you. I had a life before you and best believe its gonna continue during and after you.

I think dating is useful, you shouldn't marry or tie your life to someone if you're not compatible, "test driving" is important. But God forbid you think you're the only one. No papers, no promises. Unless we're married, we decide to be exclusive or you're Gaspard Ulliel, don't try to tell me what I can and can't do. I've got the pussy I make the rules. Don't like it? Take your nonsense elsewhere.

Now, some people aren't going to like that previous paragraph. Well too bad. Double standards are just ignorance forcing society's hand. And I'm gonna be the first to say--write--its bullshit. If I wanna date a few guys at once, I will. If I'm after you just to fuck, then I will. Don't trip, I can love em and leave em just like a guy-- only difference is people will say I'm a whore. I'm done with that nonsense. Words are only words. The only person who can judge me is God.