you think you're confused?

I'm still not sure how it happened. How the urge to make this other person happy became my rhyme and reason for doing things. I changed my habits so quickly I didn't notice until I caught myself yesterday. A girl at work asked why I couldn't eat fast food and I responded "because Ginger said--" and stopped myself there. I love occasional fast food, but I "wasn't allowed" because Ginger said no? Hell no. So I found myself smoking a cigarette--something he h a t e s-- to balance it in my mind. A bit crazy? Yes.
Sure, I could blame it on Disney ingraining it into me that to be happy and keep a relationship stable, defer to the guy and just be pretty, but that'd be a load of bull. I think its just because making him happy makes me happy, but I'm having trouble finding a balance of where he ends and I begin. Its not like I don't tell him the things I want or completely ignore what I want, but I tend to find a way to coincide our wants. He wants me to work out with him and eat healthier, so I rationalize that I've been wanting to lose weight so adhering to his Nazi plan is okay. I will acknowledgge my part in this imbalance, after a lifetime of insecurity I tend to want to make others happy because they'll love me because I make them happy. Hey, its a tried and tested method alright? But in actuality, its a bad habit because I underscore myself to place the other person slightly above me.
And now I'm in a relationship--a real, legit, give-and-take, grown up, serious relationship-- and I don't know quite how to hold my own in terms of wants. Like I'm not a big wanter besides being happy and occasional random things, and for him besides the working out he hasn't voiced many others. How do I explain this to someone just like me? Someone who hasn't had a prior serious communicative relationship, and has never really cared about the other person in relationshits prior?
The logical thing would be just to talk to him, but that's where it gets tricky. He's a stereotypical male Aries (masculine, headstrong, prone to avoiding emotions) and I'm a female Cancer (we're big on emotions haha nurturers). So even if I could find the perfect words, the approach is the hard part. Sometimes he'll make fun of me for being overly emotional; I think he subconciously does it to train me that emotions will get me made fun of so I won't bring them up. We're two of the most emotionally crippled people I know and we're trying to make it work.
I think that counts in our favor, that we're both making efforts to meet halfway but we're so different that our halfway doesn't match up. I would like for us to match up eventually, but I don't know how to get us there, and he seems to be content as is so he isn't going to make the effort. I'm a little scared that my being so willing to adapt and his inability to will cause an imbalance. Add that to the fact that he's dumped me twice already and you can see why I'm so wary about it. I'm worried he's only with me now because he thinks I'm willing to become what he wants as opposed to what I am.
I feel more than a little pathetic when I think about this as a whole, but if he were to be doing the same for me then we'd just be a working balanced relationship. So either I change and become stagnant like him or I talk to him about it and get him on my page. Well looks like I just talked myself into having a conversation about it with him, now where to start?

that's alright because i love the way you lie.

Maybe if we weren't so good at lying to ourselves it'd be easier to tell the truth to each other. I think we have such a hard time sharing the truth with each other because we have an outline in our heads about how it all "should" go we lose sight of how it "could" be. I've been gutted as has he and neither of us really saw this coming when we first started seeing each other and now its all kinds of cluster fucked because we don't know how to be in a functional relationship. But as we learn together it stands to reason we can make our own rules right? Afterall, what happens between us is decided by us, not a jury of our peers. We both have our own sets of emotional baggage but the important thing is we're both thinking to ourselves of how we'll fit it all in our closet together. At least until his issues with vulnerability and emotion take him 5 steps back. So I wait patiently and guide him back forward, and meet him halfway so he isn't "spooked" I say but its because I'm as afraid as he is to get my heartbroken after investing everything I have into it. I guess the only difference between us is I'm not a coward-- as long as he's willing to come with me I'll fucking march on. He's the complete list of my LOML potential and while I'm willing to fight for it, I know I'm worth fighting for too.

he left a mark.

I don't know why but when ginger hurts me it h u r t s. It hurts so much more than it ever did with any of my past failures. I suppose its my love of the potential that trips me up. But dammit this cuts and the disappointment feels as though it'll crush me sometimes-- othertimes I feel like its trying to shove my stomach through my spine. One day he's super boyfriend the next we're two ships passing in the sea. Our relationship may be stagnating but instead of talking about it we're carrying on? know that if there are no papers, there are no promises-- so why am I crying?

what's yours is mine?

Ginger has been dragged into doing backstage work on the musical I'm working on, and besides the occasional whining he's been really great about it. So I figure he realizes how much theatre means to me and I mention some of the schools I'm looking at-- most of which are either on a coast or abroad. He turns on me and starts telling me "no, don't do it, we'll grow into different people, and we won't be able to have sex, don't that's a bad idea." Wtf? I'm not soundboarding, I'm not asking for your advice, I'm answering your question. I'm a firm believer in what's meant to be will be, and of doing what you feel you have to do for you. We'll cross this bridge when we get to it, but hopefully he'll realize that if he tries to make me choose between him and my empire, I'll choose my empire everytime. If we're two people in love we'll make it work; we can't if one person is shooting the idea down instead of helping to think of solutions.

our first foray into the land of the l-word.

Ginger calls me and says he wants to cook me dinner because we had a bit of a fight. I go to his place thinking we'll eat something easy in front of the tv and just chill. Wrong. I walk in and there's two places set with candles and steaks and all kinds of goodies. The whole time we're eating and chatting I notice how comfortable we are with each other; swapping bites and laughing. He asks how I like it and I tell him it was great, then he asks if any other boyfriend has cooked for me. That was a big negative and he vowed to do it more often because I cook often. He's sweet as pudding since the break up and its been a learning experience for both of us. We have an amazing evening after dinner, swimming with his friends and drinking and talking. Of course we have sex, AC for that, and canoodle and talk about the future and plans and dreams and jokes. Then one of his friends decides to try and bum rush us thinking it'll result in him being in a threesome.....no. ginger flips out and socks his friend in the face while totally naked, hilarious haha.

taking leafs left and right.

as mentioned in SATC2, every relationship should make their own rules-- after all no one is in the relationship but the two of you so why should anyone else's opinions or wishes matter? ginger and i have been drafting our own rules and i like the idea that we'd be a steady relationship that could handle that. i also noticed that Miz Chelle has posted a list of requirements, so to speak, and wanted to compare my relationship to the list I myself made nearly a year ago. Let's see how it measures up:

1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.
Ginger is increasingly honest with me, and we've communicated more than i have in any other relationship

2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.
with his possessive streak there's never any question about where we stand, and since the reunion he's been even more romantic/sexual

3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.
oh trust, ginger has got this allure because he's so self confident, but at times he's got a smidgen of insecurity to balance it out and keep it from collapsing into douchery.

4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before you, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.
he's actually been really great about it all,even coming to hang out with us most nights and he's very accepting of friendship lines that were in place before him.

5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.
ginger understands my limits sometimes better than i do and he's very aware of my preferences.

6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.
very charmingly and cheekily ginger asked if i wanted to be exclusive at the beginning of this adventure and he has a jealous streak-- one that he has admitted would keep him from being ok with a threesome because he doesn't want to share me

7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.
he's actually offered to do running crew for the summer musical i'm in and he's gotten into glee and true blood because i liked them and he gave them a shot and now he's as obsessed as i am

8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.
he and my brother are speed training together and he's the first boyfriend to actually engage my father in conversation. winner there haha

9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.
he gets on great with all my friends and has introduced me to his best friends. no word yet on bringing them all together, but i'm sure in due time.

10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.
he hasn't read tolstoy or poe, but he's crazy smart about chemistry and other linear things. i'm trying to get him into the abstract but he's a nonfiction kinda guy. we have debates at times and we have trivia sessions, it's fun.

11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.
we played volleyball this weekend the day after we went to the club and got trashed haha we always have fun

12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.
he is always game for whatever, and lately i've learned that this is a better plan than making plans with him haha we're both so spontaneous that sometimes making plans keeps us from doing stuff haha

13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.
i've learned some random stuff from him, and he's definitely learned a thing or two from me

14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.
he's ever the charmer and opens doors. he's sweet and frankly he's the most gentlemanly i've ever dated....of course that doesn't spread to the bedroom ;)

15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.
the more i've gotten to know this kid, the funnier and more endearing he is. we've had just as much fun bumming it on my couch as we have at beer pong at his place as we've had at the river

16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.
he's actually told me he loves that i'm not like other girls he's dated. and i'm always being treated like the first girl, there aren't any expectations or anticipations based off of other girls

17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.
i hate that he listens so well haha when i'm upset and trying not to show it he can tell and its sweet but frustrating sometimes haha i just wanna stew and be mad at you in peace!

18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.
ginger's an alpha. no buts about it.

19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.
we had a smidgen of a problem with this once, but we talked it out and fixed it

20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.
he told me that i'm his best friend and i told him that when he broke up with me it felt like i lost a best friend and a boyfriend at the same time

21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.
so far so good. haha gotta love this jerk.

all in all pretty positive across the board; all that and our out of this world sexual chemistry leads me to think this is a great thing haha, now i can go forward into the Land of the L-word knowing we're pretty great together.

sometimes you couldn't imagine the outcome if you tried

So as you all know, ginger dumped me last week and I was up in the air over how I felt about it. As the week progressed I went to the lake with some friends and hoped to get my mind off it. But I just ended up venting to the girls over margaritas about it and we compiled a list of things to say to him about all of it. I was especially confused about how we were broken up but still texting every night and things like that so I added that to the list of things I needed mother fuckken clarification on. Well, I come home Sunday and ginger was supposed to come over that night; on the drive home, though, he texted to cancel on me-- par for the course much? Well I was like "fuck this and him" when he texts me asking if he could come over monday, I tell him "sure, whatever" and forget about it. He comes over the next day and we watch true blood then he asks if we can talk. We go to another room and I wait for him to start talking-- only he is struggling and looks like he's going to cry. He finally starts with "I'm scared. I'm scared of 3 things: commitment, that I'm not good enough for you, and letting you in because it means I have to let my wall down." We talk for 2 hours about it all and how he was so scared he "jumped ship" instead of talking it out with me because he has never really talked things out with anyone before so he wasn't sure he'd be able to find the words. After 2 hours, he covered everything I had on my list before I had a chance to bring any of it up, and he even spent 20 minutes of it apologizing for ruining everything and how he'd like to get back together if I'd have him. I wasn't sure how to respond so we sat in silence for a while just holding hands; finally he kissed my hand and said "this is the first time I've felt like myself since I broke up with you, just being around you is enough if you don't want me." It was the sweeted thing I've ever heard and the look in his eyes just about broke my heart so I said "yes, on two conditions", he looked like a make a wish kid being granted a wish he was so happy he said "anything, you name it." I looked him in the eye and said "one, we talk it out before you go jumping ship," he nodded and said "if I had done that instead of what I did I could've saved us a lot of shit, of course" and I said "two, you kiss me." So we kissed and caught up on lost time chatting when he kissed me and said "I love you, you know that right? I figured if I had broken up with you and been just friends you'd be in my life forever, but I didn't realize how much I need you." So the L word has been dropped by the greatest LOML potential to date....let's see how I navigate these waters of Love.

the end of the road.

Well ginger broke up with me yesterday. I still feel kinda numb and I'm more disappointed he broke up with me than anything I think. That is because he broke up with me on impulse because he feels "someone could care about [me] than [he] could. He felt bad because he went an entire day without thinking about me. Big whoop, I do that too but I don't go dumping you on a whim. And the mixt signals I was getting from him-- hell the ones I've been getting since last friday-- are so baffling to me. Obviously he doesn't know where he's at, so he decides to break it off in lieu of actually talking about and owning up to his feelings-- confusion included. Very mature. Ugh. And now I've been awake since 4 am for no apparent reason, but I'm going to guess it has something to do with him. What am I saying? Of course it has something to do with him, he's the closest out of all the guys I've dated to LOML material and frankly it broke my heart a little that he was so willing to just drop me to avoid feelings or whatever his reasoning is. So he may have sabotaged our relationship and demoted it back to the ranks of relationshit, but I'll be forever grateful that he showed me the kind of relationship I deserve and was a pillar of strength in a hard time.

Micro Bitchrant

Within the last few weeks, I have become much more attuned to how many blind, irrational, and/or utterly moronic women there are out there who are more or less breaking their own hearts. Well, ladies, this one is for you…

First and foremost, let's get one thing clear: HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU. If he has a girlfriend that he hides you from, he does not love you. If he goes a week without speaking to you, he does not love you. If he always makes the issues your fault, he does not love you. If you have never met his friends or family, he does not love you. If you attempt to have a serious discussion with him about where your "relationship(shit)" is headed and he dismisses you, he does not love you. If he broke up with you, he does not love you. If he lies to you, he does not love you. And if he cheats/betrays you, he does not love you.

He is not shy. He is not busy. He is not confused. He is not unaware of or unwilling to admit his "true" feelings. In my experience and observation, I have learned that a guy will literally do almost ANYTHING for a woman he truly loves and wants to be with. He will man up and respect her. He will be honest with her. He will spoil her. He will communicate with her. He will do all those things that you've been tricked into thinking "just aren't in a man's nature to do". Well, sweetie, they are in a MAN's nature—they're just not in the nature of that asshole you've been wasting your time with.

It baffles (and disgusts) me at how many women I see making excuses for these little boys. Just because his dick gets hard and he plays dress-up does not mean he's a man. More importantly, he's not really YOUR man and he's not the man you need to be involved with. So get to truckin', sister. You've got shit to do.

And trust me—I get it. It hurts to break up with someone you really care about. It hurts to give up on someone that you've invested your EVERYTHING into. I have been there time and time again. But it's better you dump his ass, keep your dignity, and affirm your self-worth than get your ass dumped and be obliterated by his selfishness. It's time you stop missing his ungodly ass and start celebrating your own BAMF-ness. On the real. And by any means necessary.

Have I made myself clear? GOOD!

(Okay, so this wasn't "micro", but it served it's purpose for the time being. Keep checking for the more in-depth sequel to this post. I've struck gold, I think…)

i'm not sorry i met you.

Well this relationshit I'm in with Ginger is taking off, and to date I haven't had a thought or urge to cheat, leave or sabotage. This is crazy considering my track record. He keeps me on my toes, and I keep him guessing-- we're complete opposites but its complimentary I think. Sometimes its kinda anxiety wrought because I am so out of practice with monogamy that when he asks me things sometimes I'm so busy searching for double meanings and trap doors I don't actually realize till later that he was being straight forward.

Being in a relationshit-- relationship, I suppose-- where things are how they are at face value and there's no underhanded manipulation, is exhilarating-- AFTER I remind myself that he says what he means and means what he says. I'm grateful that he's patient and stubborn haha if he'd have given up when I told him to months ago I wouldn't have him now. The Spark is intense haha and our attraction is incredible, we've had crazy amounts of sex. check A.C. for that.

But he's a doll, Miz Sara Jane was broken up with last night and his first words were "fuck that guy, tell her to come over, should I go get alcohol?" He's a great guy and he is genuinely friends with my besties. Not to mention the fact that we talk-- like hold actual conversations, talk at length about feelings and how situations make us feel. I've never had this level of communication in a romantic relationship, and it's a crazy feeling. knowing that there's a guy that genuinely cares about how i'm feeling and will ask me and tell me how he feels. it's give and take at it's basest form and it's important to me.

A quick poem that caught my eye.

Here's a poem by ee cummings that caught my eye today:
i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

I even warned him with "I'm still new to this..."

And he replied "me too".

This one month fresh relationshit is already making me feel like I've
been in it forever. We have had some really pointless arguements, but
we've also had some really important talks I never had with other guys.
Ginger, the boy frenn, and I work-- although most of the time we butt
heads and I want to throttle him. He's got a bit of a possesive side,
he's a jealous type. That doesn't gel well with me sometimes because
I've got some really close guy friends, and I'm really affectionate.

I think a big part of it is all our excess tension and anger with each
other is funneled into our sex life. We get to be goofy with each other
when we're hanging out and sometimes even while we have sex we're joking
around. And then we get really intense sometimes, we've both got a kinky
streak a block wide.

We don't spend all our time together, and I don't think we've had a
phone conversation that's lasted longer than a minute thirty. Sometimes
I find myself wanting to cuddle-- odd I know-- and then we have bitch
fits.We're two people attempting to figure out monogamy for ourselves;
I'll keep you guys updated.

High Standards

In high school, I used to write down all the qualities I wanted my future boyfriend/husband to have. I'm doing it again… Not because I'm desperate. Not because I believe there is someone out there who can and will fulfill all of these requirements. But because I need to remind myself what I'm waiting for and what I'm worth. And plus, I'm a little bit older and wiser now. Perhaps that means something… =]


- I want a man who can cook and likes to cook. I'm a big girl. I like to eat. I need someone to share this passion with.

- I want a man who respects and cherishes his mother. His first relationship with a woman was the one with his mother. If that is bruised or broken, there's no real chance for me.

- I want a man who has good taste in music. He like the same things as I do. He can like better things than I do. But music is my passion and salvation when all other art/experience fails. 'Nuff said.

- I want a man who is educated and likes to learn/think. You don't need to be Ivy League, nor do you need to be a genius. But you better be intelligent, with an active mind, and know how to put forth dialogue and ideas.

- I want a man who doesn't always agree with me. Challenge my perceptions; try to break my paradigms. Sometimes, I just want you to fight with me. I don't want a "Yes Man"; I want an honest man who stays true to his convictions.

- I want a spiritual man. My religious/spiritual ideologies change weekly. But I always have faith in God, even when it's not positive. I need someone who prays when things are rough and hopes in a bigger Mystery.

- I want a man who is about his business. Be goal-oriented, driven, and handle your shit. No one wants a 30 year old who is still coastin'. Well, maybe some do… but not me.

- I want a man who makes me laugh. I have a mood disorder. I'm also quite sensitive and melodramatic. Shit hits me. I need someone who will pick me up and make me smile when shit hits the fan.

- I want a man who will go to battle with me. Whether you lay down in the trenches with me or are throwing grenades, I need someone who is going to help me fight and press on.

- I want a man who turns me on. Sexuality and desire is tricky. But it's still necessary in a good, healthy relationship. Whether we're fucking, touching, or just cuddling… I want to be attracted to him. I need him to know how to please me — in all ways.

- I want a man who is: patient, respectful, loyal, honest, open, and kind. These are the "Big Qualities" in relationships. I'm a lot to deal with, but I need to know that you will always be there. No matter what. I can promise you I will do the same.

- I want a man who won't cheat. I know I already mentioned loyalty. But niggaz try to get around this one. This means, NO KISSING, TOUCHING, OR FUCKING. Also, emotional betrayal counts, too.

- I want a man who communicates. I get it — men have been groomed by society to not be warm-n-fuzzy. Still, when you're pissed off, tell me. When you're horny, tell me. When you love me, tell me. And if you just want to talk, that's beautiful.

- I want a man who takes risks and loves the "new". I'm trying to do this myself, so it would help if I'm with someone who knows how to go on adventures and says yes to the opportunities and possibilities that Life presents.

- I want a man who is creative. I can't help it — I find artists sexy. What he creates is his business, but I need someone who loves and is as passionate about art and creating as I am.

- I want a man who knows a relationship is in the details. Yes, the sex can be off the hook. Yes, we can talk for hours and I can trust you unconditionally. But I want the small things to count, too. I want someone who will buy my tampons if I'm too crampy to go out and get them myself. I want someone who I can poop and fart around. I want someone who will bring me soup when I'm sick. I want someone I can be silly and comfortable with.

- I want a man who knows the definition of intimacy. It's not about sex or secrets. It's about willingness and vulnerability, in my opinion. I want to share and meld with you. I need a best friend, a real one.

- I want a man who will protect me. Fuck feminism. I want you to defend my honor and threaten to pummel anyone who disrespects or hurts me. I don't find it sexist, I find it romantic.


He's out there. I can feel it…

Oh, hello, lover…

I've been out of the loop since, like, January?

I guess this is what happens when your heart is broken and you shut yourself off from all social arenas, including romantic and sexual. But you know, I'm feeling a little transparent and reflective (is that possible?) right now. So why don't I just dive right in and tell you all about what's been un-happening in my Life?


As far as romance goes, there is none. Eventually, I'll have to stop giving Atu more credit than he deserves. He didn't necessarily break my heart. He hurt me, yes. And our relationship and certain events that transpired involving him caused me a great deal of pain and emotional turmoil. But I think I broke my own heart. He was an ass. But I wasn't exactly innocent either. It's getting easier to make my peace and come to terms with that clusterfuck of sexuality and emotional insanity, but it's still an uphill battle.

I would love to have crazy hot sex everyday and be in a steady relationship right now. I know that's not really what I need or what I want, though. (The sacrifices I make to be someone I can stand, right?) I think I'm seeking companionship, trust, and maybe some passion. When I was involved with him, I was seeking a lot of other stuff, too. I can't say those issues are resolved. But they're just not so urgent anymore.

It's a bitch when you realize (a) you're not like everyone else and (b) the things you seek will not come to you easily.


This thought has died now. Just be happy I'm back, bitches.

We've now entered the Outer Limits.

Soooo let's summarize what's happened since my last post [forgive me for
the delay in _DEFAULT. and such]: I'm now in a (mostly) committed
relationshit, made it through Lent, fucked the Ginger, had some of the
most fun at beer pong nights.

Hate to be a horrid tease but I've got to get ready for a date =] more
later, promises! メメメ

I guess its fight or flight..

So I like him. He's strong--emotionally.
He's very sincere, and doesn't bullshit with me..
I'm not guarded with him, not on the defensive..
and if I get mouthy he can take it ;)
I like it.

But already he's got this tendency to hold me to standards
I've never implied I can live up to. He calls me his Lady.
He gets angry when I don't respond to him the way he'd
like, and he gets jealous..Really jealous..
And then we fight.

And this is as a friend.
We've got no papers, We've made no promises.

So, ordinarily..I would assume his actions are
telling of a situation I want/need no part of
because I've been there done that and don't think
any penis is large enough to excuse ignorant behavior..
Ordinarily, I'd NEXT him.

But I like him.
This is going to sound dumb but a Porno I was watching (lmao)
had these 4 couples going to sex therapy or something and one
of the couples problem is that they argue like crazy..
Over dumb shit too, they'd argue like crazy and have crazy make-up sex.

The sex doctor says that they don't have an anger issue
or anything serious to worry about.. "Its passion"

But see, I don't know about that..I know that at the root of
every fight is someone's hurt feelings or bruised ego. And
it wouldn't be a problem if we didn't care... BUT
I've seen "passion" turn to rage turn to possessiveness and
even violence..and I'm really not the bitch to deal with that.

Anyway, somehow that couple found a resolution from
something the love doc said..but I don't remember bc I
was thinking ''enough storyline just get to the sex''
Ugh, guess I'll have to watch it again...

I don't know where he goes.

Well, Ginger has been making some advances. Not just sexual advances-- emotional ones. I've been fielding him for months, but he's always one step behind me. I've already told him the concept of commitment right now makes me antsy, and in turn he seduced me to take my mind off of it. He's clever....and that frightens me a smidgen. IDK HOW TO OUTSMART AN ARIES! haha as off the wall as that sounds, as a cancer, I'm not sure how to continue to field someone who's driven by the thrill of the chase! oohhhh fate thou art cruel.

When it feels good to be me..

That's when I'll know.

When it feels good to be me, whomever that may be..When I like the shape of my body, love the sound of my voice.. When I love the texture of my hair, the color of my skin. When I feel comfortable being alone.. When I see myself letting go of fear, discontentment, lack, and doubt.. When I laugh at the thought of censoring myself for the sake of anyone else.. When I can proudly say my name.. When I am eager to share my thoughts.. When I release preoccupation with opinons.. When I can take you to my favorite places.. When I can read you my favorite books.. When I can tell you about my dreams.. and where I'm going, and where I've been.. When I can sing you my own songs.. When I can accept a loss.. When I'm not consumed with being 'enough'.. When I see they're moving on and know I'm doing the same.. When I feel its okay to cry, When I learn from the pain as well as the joy.. When I can do it all by myself...

That's when I'll know I'm ready for you.
xoxo

Letter to Puberty.

Dear Puberty,

I'm a h u g e fan of your work in guys; you know, the deep voices, the
increase in testosterone, the muscles-- all of it. But I've noticed lately something you've been neglecting....height. What happened to this "growth spurt" guys get? I find myself being obscenely taller than some guys, and its become bad enough where we need to address it. Please get your shit together and work on my absolute favorite part of your work-- tall guys. Thanks so much, I look forward to your reply.

--T
p.s. I understand this trend of manscaping isn't your idea either, but if you could let guys know that I don't want to sleep with a woman otherwise I would, and it's alright to keep some hair that'd be great.

i may be using you...ooops.

welll, Cowboy's been since cut, and although he's been trying hasn't been lat back into the folds [[oh taht was dirty]]. Ginger has been stepping up to the seduction plate and laying it on strong. I've informed him several times over that it's Lent so there will be no sex in the champagne room.

But I've been encouraging the Ginger, Sexter and flirting because since I cannot have sex now I want my options to be a plenty when this curse is lifted. Sooooo, if you're a guy I've started flirting heavily with lately....I may be using you at some point. thanks!

Also, last night I had a little chit chat with a girl who's also had sex with Ace...OH FUCK ME! I never posted that post on Ace and I's rendezvous! I will do that presently.....done! Here's the post on that! But she agreed that sex with Ace was a blast and we drunkenly exchanged memories and it just reaffirmed that when Ace is down, its going down.

Have we shaken him?

I told Cowboy that this relationshit stuff wasn't going to fly anymore and that I didn't think us continuing to see each other [[translation: touch bodies]] would be the best idea. He took it pretty well, only asking what he did wrong. I couldn't exactly tell him really what was wrong because: a)I was not in the mood to listen to him try to explain his way out of it and b) I didn't want to ruin that romance and shit that he does for the next girl.

We've had little to no contact from him since, so I'm thinking our little swimfan fear was a bit out there haha. Now there's a Ginger at school who thinks he's going to bed me, but little does he know: a) I don't sleep with ginger kids, b) it's Lent so I've given up sex again-- it only gets me in trouble it seems!, and c) there's even less of a Spark with him than there was with Cowboy.

There's added problem there because it seems some people have made it their mission to get the two of us in bed together-- uhm, TIMES OUT PAUSE. Since when do we plot to bed people when we're not in the involved party? NO. THANK. YOU.

It all makes me wonder....is it the relationshit that's scaring me off, or is it the boys? I'm going to say, at this moment in time, it's the guys scaring me off-- if there was a guy I was genuinely interested in and The Spark is there, hell yes I'll commit.

uh oh, we may have out it down too well.

wellllll, i thot this may have been coming, but i didn't think it would go down this way. the other day when i was having sex with Cowboy, the words "i think i'm falling for you" slipped out of his mouth....okay they didn't slip, they came barging out and smacked me in the back of the head. so i did what any able bodied girl in my position would've done....i faked a leg cramp, got dressed, patted him on the shoulder, said "see you later" and b o u n c e d. mean, i know, but i panicked! what was i supposed to do?! i've known him two weeks-- and that's being generous.

well he's trying to woo me via text message later that day and i wasdirrty texting a friend from high school. here's me and hujoe, one of my gays, recapping txts from the friend, who we'll call Sexter:

me: Hujoe.
me: I've done two bad things.
hujoe: lol like what?
me: Bad thing 1:
me: Had sex with cowboy and when he said "I think I'm falling for you" I fled and went on to do bad thing #2
me: Bad thing 2:
me: Flirtexting and exchanging naughty texts and pictures with sexter from high school
me: I'm sooo not the relationshit type
hujoe: oh hun
hujoe: thats not good karma
hujoe: now im always all for getting what you want...but dont do it at the expense of someone elses heart
hujoe: because if you turn the tables youd be crushed
me: Hahaha girl I told him from the start I'm not the relationshoti type!
me: Shit*
hujoe: hahahaha
hujoe: but you have to enforce that all of the time!
hujoe: cuz his heart isnt gunna remember that shit
me: .......so no more sex?
hujoe: no not with him
me: I can totally do that.
hujoe: unless you both can come to a consensus that its just plain fucking no strings attached
me: Mmkay.
me: But whhhhyyyyyyyyy
me: did he hafta get attatched?!
me: I feel like a doucher, but I'm not guilty
me: But I'm not feeling guilty*
hujoe: because if he falls in love with you....then youre gunna have one messy situation
------------------------ 6:50 pm ------------------------
hujoe: thats because u dont honestly care about him
me: ....true.
hujoe: just becareful
hujoe: because that can really hurt somebody
me: I know I know
me: I better tell him outright so we can start talking
hujoe: yeah
me: About him and I not going the full monty committment wise
------------------------ 7:05 pm ------------------------
me: Hujoe.
me: Omfgb.
me: I've missed dirty txts
me: And sexter is a p r o.
hujoe: lmao
hujoe: skype is so much better
hujoe: i prefer a live feed
hujoe: ;)
hujoe: omgfg i got a macbook pro!
me: Oohhh lucky bitch!
me: Hahaha if I had a live feed, that'd be so dangerous!
------------------------ 7:16 pm ------------------------
hujoe: hahaha it is...and i love it
me: ooohh girl
------------------------ 7:22 pm ------------------------
me: I've never let a guy put it in my ass
hujoe: ummmm
hujoe: u wouldnt like it
me: But sexter is making me want to haha
me: I wouldn't? my gay keeps insisting I will
hujoe: for boys its different cuz of the prostate
hujoe: but for girls...that shit would just hurt
hujoe: lol
me: Hahahaha
hujoe: thats cuz hes a boy and has a prostate
hujoe: hahaha
hujoe: u would feel like u had to poop really bad
me: Hahahahhahaha well fuck what's the point?!
hujoe: lmao
me: Dad says hi btw
hujoe: tell him i say hello!
hujoe: there is no point for anal sex if youre a female
hujoe: unless youre into weird shit like that
hujoe: lmao
hujoe: well u can do it with no rubber, u cant get oreggo
hujoe: *preggo
me: hahaha I've heard some girls say its bomby
me: But I've always been like "nahhhh"
------------------------ 7:33 pm ------------------------
hujoe: haha well i guess u cant knock it until u try it....but the first time is never really any fun
me: Well fuck haha
hujoe: hahaha
me: Lemme send you what he sent me
me: - Fwd: Damn that ass looks tasty. Id love to see from behind Mmm
hujoe: omg
hujoe: lol
me: - Fwd: Yes i do. Mmm you dont even have an idea what id do once your bent over ;)
me: - Fwd: Bend you all the way over and finger and tongue that tight ass as i  lick your pussy. Then slide my dick in and out of both ;)
me: - Fwd: Mmm i love doing that stuff so thats perfect ;)  i want a picture from behind. Possibly with you bent over. Mmm Thatd be so hot
me: - Fwd: Mmm good ;)  i bet your asshole is so tight
me: - Fwd: Mmm id love to taste it then be the second guy in there ;)
hujoe: omg
hujoe: u need to stop
hujoe: lol
me: - Fwd: Thats so sexy. Id love to lick it all up. Mmm im hard thinking about
hujoe: lmaooo
hujoe: u guys are too young to be talking like that!
hujoe: im allowed to cuz im old and lonely
hujoe: lol
me: - Fwd: Yes i would. Mmm you should. I wanna tongue that ass so deep
me: Hahahahah girl
me: I love white boys
me: And I wanted to smash on him in high school
me: Aahhhhhhh
hujoe: haahahaha u should have
hujoe: is he packin heat?
me: Oohhh I plan to
me: I'm not sure yet, but once he sends a picture I'll send you a verdict
------------------------ 7:44 pm ------------------------
hujoe: lmao
hujoe: go inn
me: I plan to
me: Haha I've got quite the to do list when I get home
me: Mmmmm
hujoe: oh lordie
hujoe: ur vag is gunna be so sore
me: Hahahha I'll pop some anti inflammitory pills, ice on my down time and push through like a champ

and the lingerie party was a blast, but that's a post for next time ;)

Sweety, I'm only gonna break your heart..

..would it be evil of me to pursue a relationshit i know is doomed from the start? well its not doomed..thats dramatic. i just know that i don't want anything serious from this guy who wants to.."get serious" with me
[Reese, similar situation WITCH!]

why is it once you finally take a seat on the bench to cool off from all
the stupid love games you've been playing...
just trying to sit this one out..
or maybe just have fun, play the field..
here comes prince wannabe charming!

and why is he always so hell-bent on titles and getting all official and territorial and whatnot.. why can't he just be a good toyfriend and let things ride. and WHY the eff wasn't iiiiii so comfortable just being FWB with MY ex..so i wouldn't be in this situation..!? why did i want the title and the papers and the promises from HIM and why don't i want them from you??

the thing is..if i'm honest with myself, which i'm not, i would say that you ARE a nice guy and you would probably treat me really well and you probably have a big penis and you'd always answer your phone-- even though i wouldn't call, just the principle..

but if i was even more honest with myself i would also say we are from two different worlds and your kind of intense in a way that scares me and you already expect a lot of me and i know you're being real open right now..but there's a good chance i'm still hung up on someone else--

so im not really interested in your sweet-nothings.. and thats why i feel its best i keep it strictly business (puff, pass) when we chill and why i break at the 1st sign of emotion..because, all i can see are D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R red flags and my potential to leave you dumbstruck and shit out of luck..2weeks? 6months? however long down the line when you start expecting more of my heart, and all i'll know is that i'm only gonna break yours..

Well excuse the f*ck outaa me.

I was just informed that its entirely my fault for not feeling The Spark
with Cowboy-- its because I'm "too picky". I'm the one who's gotta be in
this relationshit with him, so pardon me for thinkingthat meant I
decided when or if anything was happening and on my terms. I'd rather be
intimidating and too picky than otherwise because then I'm weeding out
the weak, the losers and the immature. I'll save myself more trouble
than a little singleness will do.

And I know for a fact I deserve the kind of relationshit I want with the
kind of guy I want. Because I'm worth it. I'm gorgeous, I'm funny, I'm
smart-- a mother fucking catch if you fucking will. So
getthefugouttahere with this too picky horseshit.

Could it be fabricated?

Miz Berry brought up a valid point some people believe: that The Spark is really just a figment of your imagination. I don't know for certain, all I know is what applies to me-- which at the end of the day is all we really know, what applies to ourselves [[so take all advice with a grain of salt and a splash of tequila]]. The Spark to me is a subconscious, biological signal that this guy and I are compatible. If The Spark is really just a fabrication we go through to fool ourselves, then what does purpose does it serve?

Could the lack of The Spark just mean I'm insecure about going forward with Cowboy and really am just used to "the chase"? So now that someone is upfront about wanting me and a relationshit with me, I don't know what to do so my default setting is to run? I don't think that's the case because I'm willing to give him and this a shot [[provided he tunes down the romance, or I'll vomit in my shoes]] for The Spark to materialize.

I'm certainly not using The Spark as a deal breaker, but if I don't get a rush then what's the point in being in a relationshit? We could just as easily be friends with benefits, so we can both keep an eye out for The Spark. The She-wolf in me doesn't want to be tied down unless there's The Spark or at least a rush, because then it means that it's fun, adventerous and exciting. If it's complacent and dull, then who the hell wants to stay?!

I don't wanna give him mixed signals or use him, but I'm certainly going to tell him that I think we should just be FWB if I think so. If he cares as much as he's spouting he does, then he should be fine with it. I've got the pussy so I make the rules, let's not forget it. PLus I think down the road he'll thank me for it. Or just be really crushed because I'm the woman of his dreams and he's over here thinking we're gonna get married and live happily ever after and I break his heart because I decide he's good enough to sleep with but not to commit to.............Fuck. I really hope its the previous, because I do not want to be known as "The One That Got Away" because I know for damn sure we're not soulmates and I don't need that bad juju.

How to be a Bad Girl..

(according to Natalie (BGC))
1] Pick a WINNER
2] Give him the Rules
(ex. "When Natalie calls, you answer. If you want me to be good, you have to be good..")
3] If he wants to tie you down, He can wife you up
4] Don't cry over ANY man
5] DO WHAT YOU WANNA DO, regardless
6] Never tell on yourself..And don't get CAUGHT

Ugh, my problems with this.. Number 1, its difficult to find a Winner amidst a sea full of losers. I'm clearly not in the right environment for her SugarDaddy pool of contenders.. (don't even know if i'd want one) but I surely don't want a BOY-- jobless, carless, goal-less, his-own-private-location-to-fck-me-so-I-don't-have-to-be-quiet-less.. Its just not gonna work.

I like the idea of rules upfront. Especially because guys tend to approach every girl as if he wants a Relationshit..even if he just wants to hit. If we start Rule #1 as follows, This is Strictly Physical.. I see a host of avoidable issues erased. I'm not going to worry about who your spending time with (unless you're fucking). I could care less about a Holiday gift or a Valentine's chocolate (gagg) and the only thing i'm expecting is that you stay On-Call for the Booty Call..

Numbers 3, 5, and 6 go hand in hand I think. A bad girl doesn't have some boy with a 100% hold on her dictating what she does with her time. She won't call and check-in if he's emotionally checked out. Don't reward bad behavior with pu$$y...No matter HOW BAD you want it. Because odds are, if he's not with you putting it down..and you've got doubts..he's probably elsewhere and you need to make YOU priority 1 and just...don't get caught ;) (But really, I probably wouldn't cheat I'd just NEXT him and do my thing)

Mostly, a "Bad Girl" is just a smart female who approaches the opposite sex on an even playing field. We think like they do. We play like they do. And we cut it off just as easily, too.

The Spark.

I've met a guy we'll call Cowboy [[for that whole background mess checkk this AC post]] and it was all fun and games. And I was thinking "Thank you 2010 for sending a decent guy my way!" Until I realized we're not on the same page. He seems hellbent on getting me into a relationshit with his "I'm gonna be your knight in shining armor" and "You're mine" shit. I've calmly and very plainly explained I'm not one for relationshits, and all I got was a "I'll change your mind. I'm not like those other guys". A for effort, but let's be reasonable; he's not even listening to my side of things.

To his credit, he's a fantastic kisser, pretty good in the sack [[or car, AC post]], and he does and says all the things I've always said I wanted in a relationshit. I just don't want the relationshit I guess. He can say the sweetest thing and the dirtiest thing in the same sentence and it's completely natural. I like it, but the problem is I like the dirty tidbit waiting in the wings more than i do the heartfelt crap parading on stage. For example, "baby, you're so gorgeous today, it makes me want to bend you over this table and fuck you stupid. i don't care that there's people they can watch." Can you guess where my interest peaks?

My suspicion is that since The Spark is missing, all this potential isn't being used. I should be getting goosebumps when he kisses me softly and whispers something in my ear. I should feel giddy when I get a text from him. My heart should be skipping a fucking beat when he does the things I've wanted a boyfrenn to do! SOMETHING SHOULD BE HAPPENING! But no. I feel the same way about him saying he's gonna bring me flowers as I do about him telling me his dog died. I'm apathetic. and when he texted me this morning saying he didn't want things to just be sex between us, I froze.

WHAT GIRL DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR THAT SHE MEANS MORE THAN SEX TO A HOT GUY SHE'S INTERESTED IN?! apparently, I'm the only one. I'm not sure if The Spark is gonna be fashionably late, or not appear at all, but I'm worried if I stick around to see, he's gonna be trying to trick the l-word out of me-- that will not work for me. I don't want to string him along, I really don't, but if I'm gonna give him an honest chance knowing I'm already thinking of cutting him loose, how well is this gonna go? I can already feel my inner She-wolf grimacing at the idea of him saying that four letter word, and she's planning on getting us into trouble at the lingerie party this weekend to get us out of it. "No papers, No promises", she's saying. But do I want to run from every decent guy that comes my way, or is he just not it?

I'm ready for you, 2010

Welcome to 2010! So...this is what I've been waiting for. The New Year when things are supposed to be different in our relationshit. I've given my ultimatum. Too much more of the same and I'm gone. So far, I'd rate the change as 4 on a scale of 1 to 10. Is he calling my bluff? Was I bluffing? I want to have meant it..that I could easily wash my hands of this when I'd had enough. But more than that, I want him to have meant everything he said. "Time doesn't stop, Ma. It can only get better." I guess it wouldn't hurt to give him a little more time..ugh. I mean I've stuck it out this long. (and at least this time I've been putting my LBB to use and keeping my mind occupied)

It's an acquired taste.

Somehow I always find myself falling for the potential. That's my downfall, I look too much at the big picture, I lose the important details on teh way. 2010 is gonna be different. I'm going to follow my resolution: "only say what you can do". I'm gonna take it all as it comes and deal with it then.

Romance? ehh, not high on my list of priorities like sex is, but I guess I'll deal with it if it comes up-- highly unlikely though, thank goodness. Though I cannot deny The Spark; if it shows up, all I can do is follow it. With sex and sexual relations, I'll have to play it by ear, but of course since I've got the pussy, I'll be making the rules on that.

Dieting? uhhh no. let's be reasonable, what's the root of diet? DIE. I am gonna go hard on my dance and theatre shit though-- that's my hustle and what's gonna become my legacy. I can't be slacking on that!

bring it on 2010-- you're gonna be my bitch. mark these words.