Oh the irony...

...it never fails to just uppercut you in the mouth. I resign myself to ending the year with my body untouched, and single-- and then Ace waltzed in. Now I met Ace a year ago, roughly, and we hung out once and he left for school and that was literally the last I'd heard from him.

Well, he was in town and we hung out a few times, went to a club or two, made out and smoked out. We finally seal the deal and have sex at the end of the week, and it was GOOD [[of course more on that at A.C.]]. Then afterwards we hung out in bed and joked around, snuggled, fooled around, and had a quickie. But what struck me most was the fact that it was so intimate and tender after, he would look at me like he was seeing the sun for the first time, and he'd stroke my face and just smile at me. And at one point he sat up, looked at me, laughed a little to himself and kissed me on the forehead.

That blew my mind. Here I am riding off the crest of douchers I've encountered and here's a sweet guy who has a fantastic personality and he does this? Of course I did what made sense to do. Forget about it and not think about it until he's gone back to school and I'm alone. Now that I'm thinking about it, I kinda wanna strangle myself because now, like a lifetime movie, I've got a few options:
1] I chase him and it.
2] I forget about it.
3] Forget about it until I see him again and see how it goes from there.

I'm favoring option 2. Even though he is the closest to LOML material I've ever come.

Guidelines for Healing a Broken Heart

1. Don't text him.

2. Don't text him.

3. Don't text him (or call, e-mail, Facebook, MySpace, or Twitter). EVER.

4. Engulf yourself in music. Whatever music, whatever songs or artists or messages it takes.

5. Write about it. Put it on your blog, confess it in your journal, write a letter (don't send it), text your friends. Get it out.

6. Think about your pain on purpose. Accept the thoughts and emotions; they're going to come whether or not you welcome them. Have your moments... then press on.

7. Don't think about his new bitch.

8. Devise battle plans; you will need them eventually.

9. Embrace the magic and divinity of Time.

10. Cultivate yourself and Life and holism and God.

11. Convert to the religion of verbs: doing, doing, trying, infinitely doing and being and living.

12. Cry. Yell. Be pathetic. Don't let anyone shame you for it.

13. Rely on your friends. And again, be shameless about it. They're supposed to help dig you out of your hole.

14. Have a rebound with words, language, imagery, and imagination/creativity.

15. Learn from it. Suck out every little lesson you can.

16. Forgive.

BONUS CHALLENGE: Separate yourself in love, grace, and goodness; do not consecrate yourself to bitterness, hate, or hostility.

Love Thyself

At approximately midnight today, I get a text from The Nigerian:

He's seeing someone else.


I lied. I am in love with him. I'm mad as hell, hurt as hell. And I'm through. This is what permanence tastes like: bitterness.

The Days

It's been over a week since I last spoke with him. It's four days into this Divorce.

I'm starting to feel weak, like I might falter. But I know I won't. It's sad, how "love" can become like an addiction. That's when I question whether or not it was love. I mean, it feels like I'm going through withdrawal symptoms. Anxiety, tension, irritability. It's all there... it's all ridiculous.

It's funny. Now that I'm NOT having relationship, dating, or sex drama... I'm posting in this blog again. It took 18 months of emotional turbulence, a broken hymen, miscommunication, and an STD. And then it took inner chaos and pathetic, floor-bound crying spells. But I'm finally at this point of just really wanting to BREATHE, which also means having the space to breathe and allowing myself that breath and that space.

So many of the women and individuals I admire strong, independent, and self-determining. They own who they are, they own their image and sexuality and how the world perceives them. They dominate; they are not controlled. That is who I want to be. And I'm not saying that falling in love or being in a relationship means that a woman becomes controlled... I'm saying that I become controlled.

Ick!

It's weird. It dawning on me that now I have a freedom, an opening and beginning that I wasn't viewing clearly before. I was afraid to be apart from him for so long, apart from any man. It comes down to that whole "missing out" thing, I guess? But that's not the case. My heart is free. I don't owe anyone anything.

I mentioned to Therese that I really want to reinvent myself. It's a thought I've had since September. That's when it sprouted. Really, it's been there for much longer. I mean, that's partially why I came to New York -- to start a new Life, to expand. Now, I want to push that even further: I want to start a new me, I want to push the boundaries of who I am. I want to be a me without boundaries.

I do not know who this Michelle Jackson 2.0 is, though. I do not know where she lives, what she does, who she knows, what clothes she wears. I mean... it's almost morbid, in thinking about becoming "someone else". It's almost as if who I am now has to die. I don't want that...


Basically, I do not know anything right now. But it's okay. I don't have to. I can just keep pushing, pushing, pushing forward until...

A burst.

Reflection Eternal

I am alone.

I am alone... and I am scared. People don't seem to understand that -- or perhaps, I don't want them to. In a way, I force myself to believe that no one else can connect or relate to what I'm going through. It doesn't matter, though. All that matters is that I am, in many aspects, ALONE. And I feel alone.

I "divorced"... him? Relationships? Love? Sex? I don't know. I shut it down. And it really hurts. It really sucks. I don't like this feeling. It is weighing me down, and the weight is tearing me apart. It's as if all the hurt and loneliness in the world is sitting heavy on my chest. I've tried to avoid this feeling for as long as possible by hanging on. But shit, what the fuck was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to keep remaining hopeful, to keep making excuses for the situation? I don't think that is a solution. I don't think that is real.

So I decided to make a clean break -- a really messy, tattered, entangled "clean" break. The first night, I was okay with it. I wrote it out, I took the actions, I wiped it out. It felt right; it felt doable and possible and necessary. And now... I'm starting to lose that. It's like being a fucking heroin addict: desperate, dangerous dependency. Every time my phone beeps or buzzes or rings, I want it to be him proving me wrong. It's not.

I refuse to relapse this time. I've been hitting pretty low points recently. Just awful moments where hope seems to be the most foreign, unimaginable, and unreal thing; moments of complete dissolution and impossibility and incapacitation. And in those moments, I just want to reach out, out, out -- out past the people in this city, out past my best friends, out past my family... to someone who will REALLY be my saviour, really rise up to break my fall and reconstruct my pieces back into a whole. And I guess, that person has always been a romantic partner.

But shit, I don't want to be that girl who just hangs on. Pretending and making herself believe. No thank you. I want to do this work. I want to relearn and rediscover what it means to be ME, fully and wholly and magnified ME... without needing anyone else to complete or help or reveal my truth. I don't want any of the excess. And I guess, "he" is an excess.

I get really sad sometimes. And then this other feeling builds up -- the one that doesn't have a name, but it's so real and palpable and pronounced that it manifests as a physical ailment: a tension and tightening and constriction of my whole body. It's killer. It makes me want to scream. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to dial his number 1,000 times until he picks up and makes everything better.

He will not and cannot make everything better. I AM ME. THIS IS MY LIFE. All of this shit is mine to gather and sift through and assess and discard. Why am I relying on someone else to kiss my boo-boo, dress up my wounds, and heal me back into whatever ideal concept or entity I feel that I should be.

WHY DO I NEED HIM?!

I don't. And I don't want to.


I just want to be happy... with/in myself, with/in my life. I just want to be centered. I just want to be fulfilled. I just want to make sense. I just want to know the infiniteness of all of this. I just want... so much that I can't even put it into word, or thought, or feeling, or anything that has ever been tangibly or physically manifested in this Universe. But I KNOW they are mine. I want peace. I want love, YES. But first...

I want to be alone. I want to love myself. I want to love myself being alone.


I am alone...

"too much trouble.."

*****VENTING ALERT******
People are mindlessly superficial space cadets.
(No i'm not explaining that little tidbit. It speaks volumes in itself)

On another note, let me just say that its not "too much to ask" for a little wining and dining. It shouldn't be "too much trouble" to know your worth and demand compliance. When you settle for second rate.. you'll be treated as second best. This principle holds no gender and no bias. Its true for all. Guys need praise and finnessing just as we ladies need appreciation and lovin'.

And let it be known, the second you begin to feel like you are overcompensating these privileges (they are not 'rights') to your partner..reel it back in. There is no such thing as "something for nothing". I always say you gotta give to receive. (;

My best interests?

Some of my friends have taken it upon themselves to decide that I need a date. A guy in our class told one of them he thought I was hot, and wouldn't mind touching my body-- next thing I know I'm being told that I'm going to hook up with him. I understand their point of view: I haven't been on a date in a g e s, and he's a decent guy as opposed to the doucher mcfierce gamut I've been running.

But The Spark isn't there. He's funny, sure. He's cute, sure. He's tall, sure. But that's where it ends. And though I may be a she-wolf I need more than a "good on paper" kind of guy if I'm on the line. I'll give him a chance, if for nothing else, to break the monotony that is my stagnant romantic life.

Halloween is right around the corner, and I'm unbelievably excited. I may have body touching on the menu, it's not set in stone. BUT one thing is, and I'm going to have a B L A S T.

I'll deal with all this later.

Good grief.

Here's an update on my life in a reader's digest fashion: the schoolgirl crush hasn't gone anywhere, FWB Casanova has been cut, possible seduction happening on halloween, my life is in shambles.

I'll properly post when I get my shit straightened out!

This sounds like a recipe for disaster or great success...

There's a party Saturday night and we've invited lots of our friends-- I even invited Casanova, SchoolBoy and a guy I hooked up with a while back we'll call PoliSci Guy. Now when I realized what I did I turned to My Gay and asked, "Is this a bad idea?" And he pursed his lips and said to me, "Well, I don't know, there's no guarantee that they'll all even show up. So you should be fine...unless they do, and then what are you going to do?" I looked him in the eye and asked, "Does it make me a whore if I don't see the problem in all this?" He laughed and we went back to getting the house ready.

I already know Casanova's a no show, he left town today, so I should be fine. But if SchoolBoy shows up, I feel like I'd be subconsciously cutting my partying back to not scare him off. FACK. Why does this happen to us? We like a guy and we find ourselves subconsciously changing or adapting to suit him and his. Whenever I catch myself I correct it, but I don't always catch it. Hell, I'm getting whiplash from the conflicting emotions.

For this party however, we've initiated some rules: if you say "Caleb", "birthday", "shots" or "mother fucker" and it's derivatives, you have to drink; everytime the air horn goes off everyone drinks, when the song "Shots" comes on it's time to do shots; etc. We're getting shitfaced no doubt about it, thank God because I'm long overdue for a you-should-be-blacked-out-how-are-you-still-going-Therese?! kinda night. I just hope I don't do something to make the show uncomfortable the last week. The entire cast is coming and I really don't want to do something stupid like cuss out a cast member or hook up with one. Haha so I suppose it's a good thing I'm importing sex, huh?

I'm not 100% how Saturday night is going to boil down, but if it's sexually successful, you can find out on A.C. in full detail. I'll of course give an outline on here of the night, let's hope no one get's alcohol poisoning at t h i s party.

A dream man or a dream of a man?

I had a weird dream last night and part of it involved a guy who essentially swept me off my feet and when he kissed me I felt it clear down to my toes. I've always wondered at the term "dream man", does this mean the man you've dreamed up or a man that's actually in your dreams?

From what I remember this dream man was at least in part of my "PBM Prerequisites", and in a sense he was someone I didn't notice romantically until he kissed me. Then it became a whole new ball game.

Most girls feel their "dream guy" will materialize at some point and take them on their white horse into the sunset. I'm hoping mine will show up and ravage me on our kitchen floor as we're cooking dinner for our parents. This guy from my dreams could be this guy, except he doesn't really exist-- at least he doesn't as far as I know. IF YOU DO, GET AT ME.

Does this make this guy my dream guy or just the guy of my dreams? Either way, what does it really mean?

1, 2, 3... GO!

It's been one wild ride. I can tell you that much. And it's days like these... when I'm excited for it to get a whole lot wilder.

I'm in good spirits today. Sound spirits, too, might I add. I'm not fucking up too much in school... with a little focus, I can fix it. I am about to mount my successful short play in New York... as director, too! And I think I may be employed. I'm still a hot mess. Or as I like to call it: CREATIVE CHAOS. Hey, I am just an infinite process/progress. And I'm alright with that.

I was really sad about the whole, "I don't get any play. I'm sexually destitute. I am not in love and nobody wants me!" thing. And then I realized that God -- yes, God -- just wants me to LIVE. No stress, no worries. Just do it. And when it all falls together... I can do "it". You know, the whole sex thing. The whole romance, love, relationship thing. I'm still set on that.

I listened to my roommate and male floormate have a heart-to-heart about sex last night. And basically, I was judged and ostracized because I still believe in the sacredness and intimacy of the whole act. Yes, I am a fan of lust and the sexual revolution. No, that doesn't mean you can just fuck whoever you want, when you want. If I'm going to my dirt... I want to do it with some I love, trust, and respect. And vice versa. I'm holding out on that. NO. MATTER. WHAT.

I don't judge others, though. If you slut it up... or even if you're not a slut, but you have had multiple casual partners... that's cool. I almost envy you in a way. But that's me. If you're sexually open and explorative and risky... I congratulate you! I'm not there. YET. I'm still prim and proper, sugar and spice, and mostly everything nice. Therese says I'm still a virgin really. And I'd agree. I have had my experiences... but I am not "experienced". And in a way, I don't want to be.

Call me crazy... but I want to WAIT. Not until marriage. But definitely until LOVE. Concrete, undeniable, genuine LOVE. All caps... you know I'm serious. So yeah... I'm abstinent again. I earned it. I deserve it. I OWN it. And I'm learning not to give a FUCK what anyone else thinks or does. (Pun intended.) Sex is now literally equated with coming into myself... and making a connection with someone else after. In other words, it's another one of the processes I'm involved in. And it may seem like nothing is happening for a while.

There's no rules. There are examples. There are other people's experiences and opinions and advice. But there are no rules. But for now, I know that I need to just be cool, haha... I don't want to have sex with anyone right now. Of course, I miss it. It's hot. Duh. But there's sooooooo much more to it than that.

And yeah, I won't lie... I am waiting for Mr. Right, even if he's not Mr. Soul Mate. Again, that will all work itself out. So until then...

I run like hell towards everything I want in my life. I can't forget that. I can never forget that.

Is nothing SACRED anymore?

This is a sad state of affairs, when an attractive sexually alluring young woman cannot get her body touched because her bedmate(s) aren't texting back. Once upon a time, in a land far from here [translation: 3 years ago in California], being FWB was a business agreement with contracts of mutual respect and unspoken rules both parties followed. Like, p r o m p t responses!

I'm frustrated, fLUSTered and rabid as hell. I'm not okay with this. And knowing me, as I do, even when one of these boys do text back, I'll be sure to make h i m wait, thus extending my wait time. Gggrrrrrr. There's no justice! Why can't a guy be dependable? This is why I don't date, I can't trust a guy to be a man of his word-- hell, I'm having trouble finding a m a n in the first place.

Sonofabetch! What kind of guy cock blocks h i m s e l f?! Not to mention Casanova's a man-whore, so why isn't he man-whoring himself to ME?! [background on Casanova is at A.C.]The longer I think about it the more irritated I get, because none of this adds up or makes sense. When I see Casanova again, I'm punching him in the clavicle.

So Sick of Wanking

Okay.. so, we alllll know that boys are the renowned masters of complaint when it comes to the lack of bed play between them and their female..

I was reading Steve Harvey's Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and he even spells it out for us ladies that making our man wait longer than 2-3 months for "the cookie" is entirely UNacceptable.

This goes to say that if and when we do leave them without sexual gratification for x amount of time they are in fact warranted to: become angry, detached, bored, and ultimately, unfaithful. In other words, NO SEX is license to WANDER.

Ok, so now let's flip the script to my current predicament. (minus the "dic") I like to think that i'm pretty well-kept, desireable, and with a very healthy sexual appetite. How is it that I am IN a relationship and without physical fulfillment. (as I sit here and 'have it out' with the elements of my situation I feel increasingly alone) I don't know anyone who has this problem..

My man doesn't do me.
Period.

The relationship clock says we've been together about 4 months though we've known eachother for well over a year. He's the perfect gentleman. I cannot begin to describe how formal, proper, and charming our courtship was. It would be one for the modern-romantic storybooks. *GAG*

But the 20 year old virgin is not a sappy romantic. She is a rampant, undersexed volcano on the precipice of eruption. I AM A RAMPANT, UNDERSEXED VOLCANO ON THE PRECIPICE OF ERUPTION! So my boyfriend and I have passed the point of being 'cordial' and 'respectful' and we are past the Steve Harvey timetable.. Except the LADY isn't the one holding out.

So, what am I to do? I really like this boy. I can even see myself loving him though i'm really too fearful to even go there because-- well, i'm just scared shitless of Love. But not to digress from the topic.. I NEED SEX. I want a tantric and intimate connection with him.. I seek ecstacy and mutual pleasure.

I want very very naughty things to go down.

But because i'm a lady, am I not supposed to feel a sense of urgency about all of this? Am I not supposed to grow tired of the wait? Am I not allowed to get impatient? Will I be giving an off-base whoreish impression to my tame and sexually disciplined man by my efforts to bed him before HE is ready? Am I moving too fast? (lets be fair, no the hell i'm Not) But honestly, what would Steve tell me? Be Angry! Be Detached! Wander!

But I want these naughty things to go down with Him and only Him.
(religious readers don't get offended by the prestige I give my man through pronoun capitalization-- Relax)

UGH! I'm really backed against the wall on this one-- and sooo not in the way I yearn to be. A huge part of the dillemma is that my boyfriend and I rarely see each other. When we do, we are on each others' nuts. Heavy on the PDA because well, we have no other choice. I know this isn't an issue of attraction. There's no doubt we are hot for each other. Though, we have talked on several occasions about his philosophy of 'time'. He says he would rather know me slowly and for a long time, than fast and short-lived. I get that. I can appreciate that. But FUCK THAT.

We talk about sex. We are very candid. I ask him what he's waiting for. He just flips the question. So I wonder if the ball is in MY court. Is he waiting for ME to propel the motion forward? Its likely. But its uneccesary. Especially due to my lack of experience on the subject. I would much rather he take me and have his way with me than wait around like i'm some sort of virgin-bride to be delecately deflowered.

This is far beyond that. Carnal cravings are boiling inside of me. I don't understand it. I cannot control it. (and I don't want to, fuck that, I shouldn't have to) I do not wish to suppress this.. I've been doing that all my life. I want to EXpress it openly and outwardly and SOON. Its an itch that only He can scratch and its beginning to annoy me the way he knows this and still holds out. He's got this leverage over me. He's like some sort of twisted mastermind who has flipped the powers of the chonch to his will.

I crave Him. I thirst for Him. I need to feel Him.

Wanking? Its so not an option anymore. I'm wanking like a madwoman and its like I'm no longer satisfied by it. My mind is made up. No, my body has made up my mind and its not accepting alternative measures. This is a hunger for the flesh and I need my man to feed this urge before i'm overcome by it so much that I cannot function in LIFE.

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ANY SUGGESTIONS!?

Another distraction?

Lately I've been scrounging through more ideas to sabotage my crush on SchoolBoy, and wouldn't you know it? I meet another boy! Oh finally Fate is dealing me cards I can play gladly! We'll call him Debate Boy, because when we met today we debated about just about everything and it was fun, engaging and flirtatious. He's exactly the respite I'm searching for; slightly arrogant, collected, intelligent and charming.

I'm not sure if he'll be anything sexual, check A.C. for updates on that aspect, but as of now, he certainly kept me occupied with thoughts of things other than SchoolBoy.

Call me a "Coward".

This crush I had/have brewing for the SchoolBoy [mentioned briefly in the previous post], caused me to act irrationally. To attempt to circumvent this growing affection, I slept with another guy. Yeah, not my sanest moment, but a woman in desperation will do what she's got to do!

I'm not the relationshit type, I played in the Little League of Dating but I don't feel the need to go Pro. As selfish as it may sound, I like being single because the pressure is less, and I can cater to myself, like it should be.

I've always hated when girls go from relationshit to relationshittier in the blink of an eye, or when they sa shit like "I've found my Better Half <333". It makes me sick. So to avoid that scene completely I've sabotaged my abstinence so I'll focus on that instead of how endearing SchoolBoy may be.

For those interested in what happened at the party, hit up A.C., and get all caught up.

A crush or a curse?

I have feelings for a boy again, and before you call me any names can I just say that I’ve known this kid for a year and some change. I’ve always had a bit of a flirtationship with him, but I’ve never thought of him as anything but a pleasant guy who’s kinda cute. He’s not my type: quiet, shy, really smart and a straight edge. But there’s something about him that’s engaging and intriguing and funny. He makes me smile and his smile is so sweet.

Maybe I miss the sweet type of guys? You think that’s what’s causing this sudden influx of emotions for a boy I never gave a second glance? Ugh, it’s my old adage coming back to hit me in the mouth, “it shouldn’t be love at first sight, but love at second glance.” Fuck.

A shortage of men.

In this day and age of being able to find anyone in the world, why is it there is a definite shortage of men? Statistically for every 100 women there are 106 men, so where have all they gone? Is it that the men are simply sitting back waiting for the women to find them? What the hell happened to chivalry?

If you ask some guys (notice I say "guys" not "men"), they'll tell you the rise of feminism (the longest four-letter word in a guy's vocabulary) is what cut the world of romance to shreds. Gone are the days of a man and woman marrying and her staying home and tending to her husband's needs before her own. Gone too are the days of a woman deferring to her husband everything, including her right to provide for her children.

I say, guys have just grown lazy. In today's society women are accomplishing more than ever before, and guys have decided to make themselves "one step ahead" by making themselves just another thing for women to accomplish. Well, screw you guys. I don't need you or your nonsense.

Marriage? I'll marry myself or one of my gays before I "settle". Kids? Hell, I'll turkey baster that shit. Sex? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, please, I can take care of myself better than you can, any day of the week. Protection? I pity the fool who decides he wants to get crunk on me, he's got another thing coming to him.

Guys have little to no necessity in our lives, so why do so many put so much in their stock? When did we decide that we were going to regress?

=)

I got my wish.

I didn't get three whole hours in his bed. But I got about 20 minutes of hot, raw passion (so cliche, I know!)... and then we cuddled afterwards. He even fell asleep with his arms around me. If he were my boyfriend, it would've been one of those Hallmark images of love that wind up on 16 year old girls' MySpace pages under "Who I'd Like to Meet": "A gUii dat wiLL hOLd mEE lyKkE diiZ." Instead, it was a nice moment with someone that I have a lot of history with.

Sex is never the way it's portrayed on TV and movies. Well, I guess it depends on what kind of TV/movies you're watching... For the sake of this entry, we're excluding porn. Anyways. I always, always thought it was going to be this saccharin, flowery experience in perpetual soft-focus: giggles, whispers, tender, staring into each other's eyes, etc. It's really not like that at all. It's invasive, raw, vivid, and a little animalistic. And it's really fun. They don't tell you that it'll be fun.

Ask me two years ago if I'd be this woman, have these views on sex and men and relationships... and I would've scoffed. Literally. The only time anyone ever "scoffs" is in fiction. I've never really seen or heard someone scoff in real life. But alas, I would've scoffed! "Ew, no!" But that's the difference between maturity and having more realistic views on sexuality and relationships. And yeah... I have matured and I have gained insight. And no, I don't feel like a brazen hussy.

I hope one day, I will have that romantic, saccharin experience... but I hope it won't be flowery or in soft focus. I hope it'll still be raw and vivid and fun. I hope I'll fall madly in love with someone who's madly in love with me... and will want to do all those gallant, charming boyfriend things. Or even those small, ordinary boyfriend things. But I just hope it'll still feel as real and exciting and comfortable and in-the-moment as the past year and some change has made me feel. I don't want to lose that spark, that fire! Even when I was hurt and pissed off and frustrated, it was still happening -- it wasn't passive.

Has coming into myself as a sexual being what I expected it to be? No. Was falling in love (sort of) everything I always imagined it'd be like? Hell no. Was he the Man of my Dreams? Not after the delusions wore off. But there is something I've gained from this experience, this relationship, this person that has been so valuable and affirming in a way. And I'm so thankful for this experiment and crash course in Love 101: Introduction to Men, Dating, Relationships, and Sex. But now I'm ready for the advanced studies...

I need s-e-x!

I'm rabid.

For the first time in my life, I'm horny and rabid. Fantasizing, masturbating, ignoring -- none of it will work. I need a good two (or three) hours with him -- no cell phone, TV, or conversation. Just lust and bodies and sweat. I never ever thought I'd say this. Let alone, I never thought I'd say it on the Internet for everyone and their mother (including my mother!) to read... but here I am.

Last week, it was my period. This week, it was my faulty immune system. I swear to God -- yes, I do! Don't talk to me about sacrilegious! -- if I don't have some MAJOR play by this time in two weeks, I'm going to hurt someone or something. Or lots of someones or somethings. Don't test me!

Almost 20 years of of being shy and kosher and coy about sex... and it's all imploding on me as the only thing I can think about nowadays is his hands all over me and me doing things that would make my parents VERY uncomfortable to see. And I don't care one bit. I mean, I hope I'm not turning into some loosey-goosey slut. But at the same time, I've been a very good girl for a very long time. And I think God owes me.

And don't you even come at me with "God does not sanctify lust and ho-ish activities". God wants everyone to be happy, okay? And having sex with him would make me VERY VERY VERY happy. I've put in love, time, effort, and frustration for the past 15 months with this guy. I love him to death. I hope he'll be in my Life forever... whether we're friends, lovers, soul mates, or bed buddies (maybe all four rolled into one?) I DESERVE one night in his bed, making him regret all the time he wasted trying to be a gentleman.

Save the gentlemanliness for the New York boys. I know this West Coast game now. All I want is a good ol' carnal tournament before I brave a VERY cold winter... and I'm not just talking about the weather.

When in doubt

"When in doubt, shut him out."
That's a lovely tidbit of homespun wisdom my Marine father bestowed on me. If I'm even wavering in my belief of a guy's affection for me, or if I ever question his loyalty-- cut him off.

I understand this, especially coming from his old days. Make a guy miss your attentions, affections and most of all you. Don't make it easy for him. Blah blah blah.

Why is there no advice to be handed from previous generations on what to do when you're so rabid, you're afraid to wank again because it'll launch you into nympho stats?

Now a bit of a science lesson.

Hey boys and girls, today we're going to learn about what I like to call "location-based infatuations"! These infatuations usually occur when you're with the same group for extended periods of time (i.e. retreats, classes, play rehearsals), and you find yourself unwittingly attracted to a guy there. Now this guy may or may not be your regular type, but you find yourself increasingly attracted to him over the time together. But once you're done with the group, and you see him again most times you're over it or you wonder why you were arse over tits for him.

And this is why! On a subconcious, biologically written level of your genetics, you're programmed to find a mate out of your "selection". When your "selection" is hypothetically lowered, you look for compatibility in what you do have "on hand". Which is why you may find yourself to someone outside your normal parameters, but he's biologically more compatible than others in the "selection".

Which in my case explains why I started to be drawn to a 16 year old, Chelle has jokingly nicknamed "YoungBallz", and we haven't had sex (don't worry that violates The Rules, for more on The Rules, check A.C.), but I'd be lying if I wasn't willing to break that rule for him. This is because of the compatibility your subconcious is looking for. Nevermind logic or having a say in the matter, I was sideswept and, I can't lie, I didn't mind it much.

Haha at least in my research I've discovered that this biological tick doesn't just affect women, it snags men--and in my case boys (yes I'm laughing at myself)-- as well. Just be careful, you'll never know if this level of compatibility c a n transfer over into the real world, or if it's better left to the "field of origin". Just use your best judgement and for goodness sake, GET TO KNOW SOMEONE BEFORE YOU GET NAKED TOGETHER.

Epiphanies-R-Us!

I have my closure. I have a happy ending -- if not THE happy ending I was hoping for. I know I will be all right.

This whole time, I've been thinking that my heart has a defined capacity for love. I can only love someone if they meet certain requirements, under specific conditions, and only if there's enough room. That's not LOVE (notice the difference between all caps and all lowercase). LOVE is infinite, unconditional, divine; it cannot be governed unless it is governed by goodness.

I love him. I love him dearly. But he was never "The One". I have made peace with that. I have made peace with the fact that sometimes you love people that may not love you back the same way. It doesn't mean they're wrong for not appreciating the love you give them, it doesn't mean you're wrong for giving them love they may or may not deserve. LOVE is selfless. To give it is to be good. It is to share. I'll never be the type of person that can withhold love. I don't believe in it. I believe in forgiveness, I believe in second and third and fourth chances -- in believing in the goodness in a person, no matter what kind of shit they've done. And I believe that sometimes, you just need to be there for people.

I'll always be that girl. I've been that girl since I was a tiny child -- even at four years old, I was taking care of and providing for my friends. I think it balances out all the shitty things I can do sometime.


But in saying all this, I have learned how to protect myself and my heart. When it comes to romantic love, you can't give yourself up too easily. When it comes to your heart, you want to make sure that it doesn't get broken. Not because it's not resilient and won't heal -- but because that shit hurts like hell! That's like, jumping from a second story window just because you know you won't die.

Not. Very. Intelligent. Duh.

I let him know how much I absolutely love and adore him and how much the past year impacted me. I told him I would love nothing more than to be in his life forever and ever -- a good friend if he decided that he needed me. And I let him know what a good person he is. Because he is. I shared with him. I LOVE him. And now, I surrender. What happens, happens. If we build a great friendship, that'd be AWESOME. If I move to New York and we lose touch... that would suck, but I still got what good times and lessons learned that I did.

And now, I give up and give in. I'm not swearing off men or dating or relationships for any indefinite amount of time. I don't want to be adverse or unavailable to falling in LOVE. I just don't want to seek it to willfully. I don't want to create it out of nothing. I want to discover it by happy fate and let it discover me. I will to fall into LOVE as it falls into place in my Life. I want to LOVE myself, my Life, my journey as much as I can before I love anyone else in that way.

So I surrender. I've been surrendering. I've been arriving at this destination for a while. But I'm finally here. I'm finally free. I've finally made my peace with everything. One day, it will all be mine. I'll know a love for someone -- THE love for THE someone -- that'll just... well, there will be no words. But first, I want to feel that for MYSELF. For MY LIFE.

Hmm... It's a new story, a new journey, a new light shining. A new beginning that I've got. And I LOVE it.

The End.

Oh wow.

This is clarity. I've let go and let God, and lo and behold I'm over Hands McCoy and his charms. I wish him the best, but I've got to do me. I've decided to post the little fortune cookie sound bites that helped me when times got hard:

>> "And just like that I don't need you quite so much. Just like that I don't crave your touch. As startling that is to you, imagine how shocking that is to me."

>> "Forget the cute habits he used to do: the way he'd lick his lips before he'd kiss you, how you fell asleep with him over the phone, the way you smiled when you heard his ringtone. Forget it all, he's now the past; he's not the first and he won't be the last."

>> "Getting back together with someone is a difficult decision that only you can make. So before you bite the bullet take a moment to consider this: this is the same guy, who not too long ago, looked you right in the eyes, took into account all the emotions you had for him, thought of everything you had to offer him, and all the love you would've given him-- and told you he was no longer in need of your company."

>> "Do you want to give him the power to crush you again? No."

>> "Love shouldn't be about who's got the upper hand, or the most power. Love should be about love."

>> "No one has control over the way you feel but you, if someone messes with your emotions, they've got to go. You make the rules for your life."

Here's hoping that this new flirtationship I've gotten myself into with YoungBallz [[see A.C.]] will reach a conclusion that doesn't involve prison.

Namaste, motherfucker!

(Before I officially head into this blog post, I'd like to acknowledge how phenomenal my two [active] blog mates are. Sabrey and Therese, I love you more than life. Transcendent, enlightened, willful, powerful, beautiful, visionary women! I'm happy to be stuck in R(HELL)ationshit County with you, haha!)


I am learning to surrender. And I am learning to let him go. Can I repeat that? LET HIM GO?! Slowly, for effect and emphasis?

I. LET. HIM. GO. Hallelujah! Amen!

It's an active process. Therese has to check me every once in a while. And yes, he's still around. I'm not weak or flighty. It's just that we work together. I have to see him on an everyday basis in a professional setting, so I can't just be like, "Adios, motherfucker!" But I can be polite... and distant. Distant as in I'm-moving-to-New-York-in-two-months-so-from-now-on-I'm-3000-miles-away distant. What?! I can't hear you as you're right in my face in the bakery! Why?! Because I'm 3,000 miles away in mind, spirit, and being!

I wanted to end it by being really close friends, if not best friends. But shit... I can't do it. I am saying no. And I'll keep on saying no, even if it's new to me. Even if it's uncomfortable and I might regret it. No regrets. Faith in God, surrender to Spirit and Life. And I am free!

He nearly got me, too. Sent me some left-field text message. I had less than a 24-hour period of grandeur imaginings of his "true" feelings. (I still believe they're true; nigga will regret letting me go.) But then I realized how annoyed and frustrated I get with him. "Love is..." not that. I doubt when you meet your soulmate, they put you at the risk of hypertension. I can feel the veins in my neck popping out. I'm still somewhere between ripping him to shreds and ripping all his clothes off. I settle for neither. It's taken me this long to realize that I like my IDEAS of him more than I actually like him. And oh, of course I like(d) him. Love, even? And we had some GREAT times together.

But Jesus, I shouldn't have to tell myself "Namaste..." when he walks out of a room. Yes, that's how frustrated he gets me. So frustrated, I still have to blog about it. And I don't mind. I may sound like an incessant, obsessive, bipolar, dumb, guy-crazy bitch. Whatever. I own mine. But the truth is: I'm just not that into him... as much as I thought I was. I still get that feeling a few times a day. You know, that mournful, heart-fractured, woe-is-me feeling. Mostly when I see couples or am horny or whatever... but then I move past it. I can still eat, shit, breathe, talk, laugh, live, love without him. I'm okay.

I'll never make it as easy for another man as I made it for him. Ever. Again. But I don't give up, lose faith. I know my man is out there somewhere. As fine, funny, wealthy, intelligent, and talented as he wanna be! Sophisticated, spiritual, good. And all mine. And I know this present shit will work itself out, mend, and resolve. I need not do anything but smile, wink, keep going, and do my thing. There will be moments, hours, days where I might hurt. And then I'll move past it. Just like I did today. In the midst, everything feels so final and impending and larger than life. Well, nothing is larger than LIFE. And nothing is final... except for the fact that I respect and value myself so much more than to ever let myself do what I did for him.

I'm sorry that I hurt his feelings. And I'm sorry that I flip-flop and/or seem to villainize him. I'm not a victim. He's not the enemy. But he brings MASS confusion into my life; he's toxic -- a motherfuckin' problem. And that's real talk. He's not a bad person. He's actually a really good person... who sucks at being what I need/want him to be: a good friend, a good boyfriend, a good communicator, a good, permanent influence in my Life. I made some mistakes. I atone for them now. And I give up.

NAMASTE. Amen!

Adios, motherfucker!


P.S. I apologize for the many "motherfuckers" in this post... kinda. It's 1:30 a.m. What do you expect from me?!

How much of life is spent W A I T I N G

More specifically, exactly how much of my life will I spend waiting on men. Men, boys, guys, dudes, players, sweet-talkers, users, abusers, bullshitters, cheaters, etc... See how the list kind of goes downhill as it expands. Why is that? And why is it that the longer you wait on your "guy" of the moment.. he begins to take shape as one of the latter man-labels.

We wait in line at stores, movies, amusement parks, schools, banks, EVERYWHERE!! I shouldn't have to wait in line for each and every guy who pursues me and then decides he wants to change things up (or worse, wander off). At first, its fun and exhilerating waiting for that first phone call.. Now we have to wait for that first text, and as if thats not enough we find ourselves going mad BETWEEN texts because somehow his *instant-response-mechanism* has some sort of glitch and it now takes a minimum 30mins maximum WEEK at a time to respond...

Meanwhile, we have our men-in-waiting. The guys that are actively pursuing us but just dont get us going quite like that guy that has us waiting in line.. Sure I could go and explore that option and see where it leads me but HEAVEN FORBID I lose my spot in line for Mr.Wonderful! I mean, what if I get so bored from all the waiting and lonesome from all the wanting and agree to go out with Mr. Man-in-waiting and Mr.Wonderful calls!! Finally ready to acknowledge me as the lady in the FRONT of the line.. and i'm off covorting with his stand-in. No, I can't have that..

So... I'll continue to wait for the calls.. wait for the texts.. wait for the not-so-instant Instant Messages.. wait for him to not be so busy with work, school, and home.. wait for him to chill with his boys.. wait for him to get his heart broken.. wait for him to be "ready to commit".. wait for him to grow up..

With every moment they keep us waiting they're breaking us down. It starts to eat away at our self-esteem and we begin to feel like we should be waiting. Next-in-line becomes less far-fetched and we stop believing we deserve more. In the beginning we're RED HOT and in disbelief he could be so disconnected. We wash our hands of them time and time again. But then the waiting takes its toll and our minds start to make excuses for them (maybe he's busy.. maybe he's going through a tough time.. maybe..) and just when we've convinced ourselves he's NOT a neglectful tool-- HE REAPPEARS! Out from the darkness.

And now we've got his full attention. And now we're in the front of the line. And now we feel vindicated for wasting so much of ourselves in the waiting. And now we've got our man of the moment. We welcome him back with open arms. Nevermind the wait, i'm so glad you've called! We're eager and emotional and receptive. He's back in where he left off there's no waiting period for him (doghouse? WHATS THAT!) Oh but its just as short lived as the last go round. Spectacular and fleeting. We are both satisfied and unfulfilled. Because all we can think of is the next time we will be together like this, and he's already got us back on the wait-list..

And before I know it, here I am again...
"Waiting, and fading, and floating away" from where I want to be
...with you

Well call me a witch and burn me at the stake...

Turns out he did go and find himself a new lady friend. I log into facebook last night and am greeted by this little gem: "Hands McCoy went from "single" to "in a relationship"." Wow. I'm not angry at him for the new girlfriend, heavens no, I'm glad if she makes him happy. What I'm upset about is how I had to find out!

Jeez, six months and I don't get a heads up? No. I don't hear from him for a week and then TA-fucking-DA! Hm, he better grow up if he wants to keep this girlfriend around.

I went to bed a little frustrated but I woke up feeling fantastic. I've made my peace, I'd like to be friends with him, but there's no way I could possibly to this to myself again. In a few days I'm headed to the Mecca of half naked hot guys-- HAWAII!

Breaking my own heart.

It just doesn't get any easier. No matter what vague advice or psuedo-fortune cookie like bullshit I feed myself. I can blame timing, hormones, and fucking Nicholas Sparks for all I want, but it won't change the fact that I'm hurt.

I'm hurting. I'm breaking my own heart. I'm a million and a half things, all just boiling over under the air tight lid of my facade. But in truth, I'm crushed. I don't know how long this will hurt-- there's never been a formula for it. And it certainly doesn't help that the guy, who stomped on my heart, wasn't even a boyfriend when he did it.

No, I'm practically obliterated over someone who I wasn't important enough to to get him to commit. That's a stupid mistake on my part, and I'll accept my part of the blame there. I'm a fool who hoped that this...this, whatever "this" is, would be something to change my life. And for a time it was.

He changed my outlook, my self esteem and my aversion to intimacy. I won't hold it against him-- my good riddance list for him isn't a great thing any how. I'd like to look back fondly, and wish him well. Not a single part of me wants to wish him ill, on the contrary, I hope and pray he finds a woman who he cannot live without, a woman who will appreciate everything he has to offer. I hope he and this woman life happily ever after.

He's a fantastic guy. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel feminine, he never allowed me to think less of myself. He is the third love of my life. I believe in "one person for everyone", but I'm a realist. A single person changes, or should change, over the course of their life, so wouldn't it make sense that what their "soulmate" would entail change with them?

I've changed, and for a time he fits in the LOML [Love Of My Life] position. I didn't, don't and probably won't fit into his, but that's not a requirement for it. I loved and gave whole heartedly...I did everything I could do. Everything I would've wanted done for me.

I love you, but I can't keep breaking my own heart. If I ever fit into the LOML position for you, let me know. Who knows, maybe in the future after you've grown, we'll be what each other is looking for. I wish you laughter, love and a long life.

Shoes don't stretch, and men don't change.

I know he's not going to change, he's practically grown now, and nothing but a huge effort on his part will bring that change about. I'm letting go and letting God; God's got a better idea of what I need right now in my life.

Whether he wants me in his life or not, I'm done making my effort to fit into his life. He can now make the effort to fit into mine, if he wants me so bad. I'm going to be his friend and not let my hopeless romantic heart take me for a free fall any longer.

I'm going to make an effort to channel my unrequited and now cancelled affections into positive things for me. This is the beginning of the rest of my life, so we're going to go full out.

I can do whatever I want like you.

He's been a fool, I've been a fool. He's immature, and I'm going to be too.

I'm done, I've tried to talk to him, I've attempted to do all kinds of things. Now I'm stooping to his level: I'm going to be undignified. I'm going to pretend he doesn't exist, and on the off chance I ever see him, I'm going to run like hell.

Childish? Yes. Effective? Only time will tell.

Love is a liar.

Love is excruciating, exciting, encompassing, enraging. Love is a liar. Love isn't happily ever, nor is it roses and ribbons. Love is that sigh he makes before he falls asleep in your arms. Love is a farting contest that ends when someone decides to torch one. Love isn't sappy cards, or candle lit dinners. Love is a war, a battle. Love isn't a goal, it's a journey.

Sometimes I wish I could make love a little more specific, a little less cryptic-- silly me. Love is so many different things, so many different ideas. I love him, I love you, I love my family, my friends, my dog-- so many different types, but all one thing.

Love is love.

We're stronger than we give ourselves credit for...

I ended it.

I finally took control of a situation -- mustered up the balls, opened my mouth, let down my guard. All of it. I did the one thing I thought I would never be able to do (well, at one point in my life): confront someone honestly and openly. It didn't include dramatics or waterworks or hysterics. No cussing, no tears, no cinematic qualities. It was just me finally being strong.

And this is what it all comes down to: STRENGTH.


I find it incredibly hard to be a strong person deliberately... which is funny, because I'm often told that I am a strong person. But I honestly don't feel like it most of the time. I think I'm moderately strong by default. I come from strong people; it's inherent. My parents have had to go through a lot. My family members have had to go through a lot. I have had to go through a lot. Everyone goes through a lot -- life is a fucking challenge. I've just been blessed enough to come from a foundation that doesn't falter. I was never really given a choice, you know?

But there are certain aspects of my life that I'm very weak in. I used to try to avoid admitting this. No one likes accepting that they have weaknesses. And to voice them out loud? Well, that's just really something we don't like doing. But I am doing it. I'm laying it all out on the line. I'm not going to run from it anymore. I'm not going to hide it behind all the things I do well and pretend like it fixes everything. Instead, I'm going to work on my weaknesses.

And confronting him was one of my first steps. Because for so long, I thought I wouldn't be able to do it. I thought I was imprisoned to him, to my feelings. And then I thought, "Okay, maybe I can end it... but I can't tell him why." But the truth is: I am not a hostage to some guy... and I can tell him that. I can tell anyone that actually: you will not make or break me. I'm enough.

I think this is what it all comes down to.

I needed to believe in myself, believe that I AM ENOUGH. I needed to accept that I couldn't change certain things, but I also needed to confront the fact that there are certain things about myself that do need changing -- my ability to take control, to work harder for the things I want, to not rely on others so much. And those are things that I have to do myself. I need this time to be alone now... more than ever. Because I haven't really learned how to be alone. Without wanting anyone else there to validate or catalyze me.

It all boils down to STRENGTH -- the strength of my character, the strength of my footing in the world. That's all that any of us need. And that's what I'm going to do; that's what I'm going to be about.

I wondered why I hadn't replaced him yet.

Now I know why. My friend decided she was going to intervene and set up a date of sorts with a guy she knows. He started aiming me and at first I was like "Wow, communication! How I've missed thee." When his aiming turned into an interrogation about my sex life and less about me, I raised an eyebrow. Then I turned it back on him, only to find he's bedded 22 girls-- let's dissect that for a sec, he's bedded [[most without a rubber btw]] twenty-two girls in 7 years, wrap your mind around that math.

This is the reason I'm still with Colorado Sunrise, because I'm a little more than a notch in a bedpost. Not because I love him, like him or whatever.

ok I'm lying haha I do love him [[not as I-can't-live-without-you-soulmate love, but more like you've-got-a-place-in-my-life-friend kinda love]], and the fact that he's not a man-whore does help his standing in my favorites list.

Lessons Learned

1. Nothing ever happens "like in the movies". This is real life, NOT FICTION. Don't delude yourself in the fairytale trap.

2. The advice you get from your best friends, family, and dating books will be utterly useless to you... unless you decide to take it and completely follow through. Otherwise, get comfortable with being confused. None of that shit makes sense. Stay away.

3. Be in control. You set your boundaries. You also control how you will feel about someone. Don't fall into the victim trap.

4. Have a social life. It'll make all the disappointment hurt less. If you're too busy having fun, you won't notice that he hasn't called you in a week.

5. Chivalry is not dead -- let him chase you. Courtship is a must. And yes, you MUST be courted. Feminism did a lot for women; but it fucked up the dating game. Put yourself back in 1914 and let the man do his job.

6. Sex is messy. Just know that. It's not about doing it or not doing it. Just know that whatever you choose (or don't choose) to do, it's going to be difficult. My advice: wait as long as possible before you take it to that level... and talk about it a lot before, during, and after you do.

7. Communication is everything. If you can't be willingly open, honest, and vulnerable -- DON'T GET INVOLVED. If he is not willingly open, honest, and vulnerable -- DON'T GET INVOLVED. Communication is everything in a relationship. And ignoring that will not make things better.

8. Sticking around will not help. If he's not looking for a relationship... he's just not. Hanging around him won't change that. HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. It sucks... but suck it up. Move on to someone who is.

9. Love hurts.

10. Be your own boyfriend. Be set in yourself before you go looking for the love of your life. YOU are the love of your life. Seriously. I'm a firm believer in the fact that it's not love until you can fart and shit with that person in the room. Well, you're always there when you're farting and shitting. So be on great terms with yourself first.

TO BE CONTINUED

it's a heady discovery

it's a heady discovery when you realize that this is the most you'll ever get from a relationshit [[if we can call it that, rather we'll use Chelle's phrase "whatevership"]].

My Colorado Sunrise and I have The Spark, mutual attraction and compatible personalities, but we have nothing else. I mean, I can try and stretch the truth or delude myself into thinking that this is the awkward stage or it'll get better with time. But in the end I'll know, I'll know I've wasted time, energy and will power trying to create lemonade out of clouds and wind.

Just because I'm ass over tits for him doesn't mean that I'm going to get a happy ending, nor am I going to be loved the way I deserve to be loved.

I know now that I've found exactly what I was looking for at the beginning, someone I had The Spark with to touch my body with no-strings-attached. I was the one who kicked myself in the shin when I decided I was going to fall for him and his potential. shit, I fucked up guys.

Single Lady!

I'm starting over again. In a way...

I became dependent -- overly dependent. I'm still dependent on him. It's not something that I can just turn off. Flip the switch and WOO! I'm done with it. It's a mental and emotional thing. I've done it before. I don't plan to do it again. But at least now I am admitting to it.

I hate feeling weak. There's a difference between vulnerability and openness... and being weak and accepting the role of the victim. I did the latter. And that's ridiculous. Why? Because in all my whopping 19 years, I never expected to become that kind of girl. You know, the girl that becomes obsessed with the guy she is currently involved with to the point that her very emotional well-being is correlated to her interaction with him. It's making me nauseous just to think about it.

I'm known as fiercely independent -- "the baddest bitch", as one friend likes to put it. But when it comes to me having feeling for a guy, I lose that. And that's kind of sad. I'm sure lots of people do it. They want their relationships to be successful, they care about the other person a lot -- so they invest a lot of themselves into it. However, I'm learning that Life is about BALANCE. And relationships are the biggest part of my life... so that lesson applies to them as well.

I don't like feeling weak. I don't like feeling obsessive. I don't like feeling... the way I do now. It's really hard to put my finger on it. If I had to, I would say it feels like I'm losing. Myself, my sanity, the game, his affection -- whatever. It doesn't matter. I just hate feeling like I'm not gaining anything, like this isn't building me into a better person.

This comes down to more than my wants or desires, some guy, sex, or whatever. It comes down to me and what I'm doing with my life. I've put so much energy and time and thought into all of this. And it SUCKS!

So I'm... starting over. From scratch. I don't know what this means for he and I. Probably nothing. It's not about him anymore. I don't want my life to be about a guy. I don't need my life to be about a guy.

I just need to be single right now.

I can watch a sunset on my own...

When we first started talking... God, it was amazing! I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't. Everything about you just made me smile. Your hugs, your smell, your smile, our conversations. Especially our conversations. And the way you would flirt. It felt like I was finally getting what I wanted. It felt like I was finally getting my fairytale romance. You know, the ONE thing I've probably wanted since I was about seven years old.

And then... nothing happened. We kept talking, hugging, smiling, and flirting -- but that's it. I should've ended it then. Like my mother said. Because if you were about something, then you would've been about something from the beginning. You would've been considerate of the fact that I was 19 years old and had never been with anyone before -- I had never even been on a date. You would've tried harder. But instead, you decided to not try at all. And when I called you on it, you said it was because "you wanted me to take charge".

Bullshit.

You've been bullshitting me since the very beginning. Because the truth of the matter is: If you wanted to be with me, you would've by now. I wouldn't be your friend, your favorite, your nothing... I would be your girlfriend. And I'm not. So I need to move on. I do. I keep trying to find reasons to keep you around. But I can't anymore. I have driven myself INSANE for you. I have lied to be with you, cried to be with you, TRIED to be with you. And I'm not.

And I feel like such a fool. And I'm so hurt. And I'm so mad. Because I love you. I really do. Am I in love with you? I don't know. I don't think it matters. What matters is that I've loved you. I've wanted to be YOUR girl this whole time... and I'm still not. And I keep trying to blame people -- my mom, you, God, myself. Because then it'd hurt less. Because I never wanted to hurt like THIS for a guy again. But there's no one to blame. We just didn't work out. And I pray to God that I have the strength and emotional constitution to move on this time. Because I'm not a weak girl. And I'm not down to settle for less.

I want to say that I'll be able to get over you while still being your friend. But I don't think this is one of those cases. And I'm praying that it is. I'm praying that with each day that I wake up, I love a little less of you. But that I'll still be able to smile when I see you and talk to you. But I don't think I will be. And that hurts. It hurts so much. Because I'll still have to see you. I'll have to walk into work everyday and be reminded that you are on the other side... Be reminded of the first time we kissed. Or when you finally told me you liked me. Or when I lost my virginity to you. And that SUCKS.

And I don't think anyone has thought of how much that would suck for me. People either tell me that I should get over you, or I should just wait and see... But they don't realize how either way, it's going to eat me up inside. YOU don't see how it eats me up inside. It sucks that I can't be happy for my best friend... that she's fallen in love for the first time. Because I'm so insanely jealous that it's not me... insanely in love with you. It hurts when I have to keep my ears open at work, to see if you've been honest about your relationship to the other girls. It sucks when I am in your car or at your apartment... and I see remnants left from other girls -- sunglasses, your ex-girlfriend's monogrammed towels, text messages.

Because every time I go through THAT, I get bombarded with all the memories of when we first started... or when I felt like we were really going somewhere... or just plain good memories.

No one understands how much that really FUCKING SUCKS. And how I'm sitting here, bawling my fucking eyes out right now, snot running down my upper lip. And I just wish you would call or text more. I wish you would ask me to hang out... at all. I wish... you would've been the person I thought you were from the beginning. Because then I wouldn't feel pathetic. And I wouldn't feel like a fool. I wouldn't feel like I had just been played.

I wouldn't feel like you broke my fucking heart.

I just wouldn't feel.

"It's different now"

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I mean, I know what it means to me-- it means that just sex isn't the only thing that's at stake anymore. It means that this goes beyond physical and chemical attraction. It means that I want more from you, from us. To him, who knows what it means. I just know that nothing seems to be different, and really that's frustrating.

I'm sticking to my guns, I know that I've said that time and time again, but I mean it. I've got the feeling we've got the potential for an out-of-this-world, cosmic level love, but if I keep caving to his games and ridiculous mixed signals, instead of making him work for it then we'll get no where.

When I do all the leg work, etc, then it's almost like I'm rewarding bad behavior, or showing him that no effort is necessary with me and that I'm fine with being a backseat to everything else. NO DAMMIT. I am worth the effort [[and then some]], and it's not like I'm asking to be the most important thing in your life [[so help me, I'd sooner knife you in the groin]]; I'm simply asking to be considered a favorite part of your life, someone you like to spend time with and talk to. That's it. I've got my own shit to deal with, so I'm not asking for some crazy off the wall commitment.

Just commitment, tell me that you're just as into me as I'm into you and show it. That's all I'm asking...we can worry about marriage and all that years down the road haha

Sleeping with the Enemy

I was listening to Dr. Laura on the radio today and this woman and her husband call in. The wife tells Dr. Laura a bit about her childhood and how unhappy it was. She gives her summarized version of life at home and how she is for the most part happy, loves her children, loves her husband, her job, but still she finds herself on the brink of divorce.

The doc asks how that could be. The lady goes, "Well, I don't know we've been married for eight years and.. .well there's been abuse. In eight years of marriage there have been 4 different occasions. . 4 violent fights.. is that too many?" Dr. Laura tells the woman, "One time is too many. I have a 1 blow, zero tolerance policy." [There's a long silence] Dr. Laura addresses the husband, "John? So you've been beating on your woman?" He tells her yes, its true he has been violent towards his wife on four different occasions but he says he was not the only one who brought arguments to a physical level.

I found it very interesting that this fact shifted Dr. Laura's stance on the issue. She asked the wife if she had hit her husband John on any of these four occasions--to which she admitted yes, she had. She asked the wife if she felt she had been striking her husband in self-defense and the woman very adamantly assured Dr. Laura that she felt her involvement in the fights were always in self-defense. Then came the golden question, "Ok, which one of you throws the FIRST blow?" After a very long silence, the husband and wife say that in their last fight, he had--but in all of the ones before she had initiated violence.

This seemed to kind of piss off Dr. Laura and she asked the woman why she failed to disclose that information in the beginning--why did she lead her to believe that she was a battered housewife.. The woman quickly apologized, saying "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to mislead you." "Your lying," she responded, "you did mean to mislead me--you meant to create this grand image of yourself, and make your husband into a monster. Because if he is the one with the anger problems it keeps you from having to acknowledge your own issues. You are the one with the aggression problems. You felt that the safest place for you to take them out was on your husband. Now you are running from the situation because now he is striking back." [Longer silence]

The woman goes on to say that she knows she has anger problems that stem from her childhood. She says that her husband triggers her anger and she cannot help but to lash out at him--she can't control it. "Yes you can. You can control it," Dr. Laura corrected her, "you don't hit police officers, you've never struck a teacher, you can control it when you want to." She asks the woman to tell her what these 'triggers' are that have caused her to become violent with her loved one. Every example she wanted to give involved her husband, and each was rejected.

Dr. Laura wanted to know a trigger from the root of her aggression and finally the woman told her about her father and how he was very abusive and controlling when she was a child (telling her what she could wear, where she could go, that she could not use the phone, etc.) and how these were 'triggers' for her now as a grown woman. Dr. Laura said, "the abuse is very different, but the 'controlling' that you are upset over was a father controlling his child, now you are a grown woman--married to a man with preferences--" and the woman burst into tears saying that Dr. Laura had misunderstood what she was saying and blah blah blah. ..

But Dr. Laura understood exactly what she was saying. The woman was trying to say that as a child her father controlled her, and beat her--and now she is married to a man that controls her and beats her. "Is that correct? Am I understanding you?" "Yes." "No, that is not true," the Dr. told her, "if that were true you should and would have left. You are demonizing and punishing your husband for your fathers wrongdoings in the past." "So, I should be okayyy with him not letting me talk on the phone?" Dr. Laura then asked the husband to explain his reasoning for this, which was simple enough--that his wife spent the majority of her time on the phone and when he would come home he asked that she not be on the phone. "So, you married a man that PREFERS his woman to spend a little quality time with him without being distracted or preoccupied on the phone. You need to separate your past from your present or else you are going to get the divorce and just end up leaving the next guy for the same daddy issues you are ignoring today..."

Relationships are about balance and equilibrium. We cannot expect to receive from our partner what we are not willing to give them. Relationships are about sacrificing for the sake of making the other person happy--and we do this because we WANT to, because we have chosen this person to be a part of our lives and we are willing to do things we may not like because we WANT to keep them in our lives. (Of course I am talking about reasonable healthy changes like the woman on the radio was not willing to compromise such as her clothing, socializing, etc). I can relate to the 'daddy issues' she had and see how she can unwittingly allow her past to cloud her current relationship. She felt like she needed to defend herself in the way she couldn't when she was a little girl. She felt like she was sleeping with the enemy because her husband's needs made him embody her controlling father, and so, she villainized him. The simple requests of a loving partner became the unreasonable demands of a monster and she needed to strike back and prove she wasn't the weak young person she was in the past. It is very difficult to accept fault in situations like these. It is very easy to place blame on someone else or even to fall back on dark pasts or things of that nature as a means of deflecting responsibility. Dr. Laura was right, the woman CHOSE to act out against her husband. It is not beyond our control to lash out at someone. The comfort of knowing someone will love you no matter what sometimes makes them a prime candidate as the victim of your unresolved rage. Knowing that someone has gained so much of your trust and also knowing how much of your trust has been violated and lost in the past is deathly frightening. So, we test them. We push them--we try to find their triggers, their limits. We constantly feel like they are hiding some demonic 'dark side' that would sneak out one day when we least expect it. We become vulnerable in the way we were when we were violated as children. But it is not the same at all. The vulnerability of a relationship is beautiful. We are making ourselves emotionally available to this other person by CHOICE, because we have chosen to let them into our lives. It is unfair to make them suffer for any and every time you were wronged in the past. It is unreasonable to expect them to love you and be entirely open, trusting, and vulnerable to you if you aren't willing to meet them in the middle. We have to realize that we have the choice of 'holding onto our baggage' or resolving those issues and absorbing as much good into our lives as God will allow us. What sense does it make to always be suspicious or weary of the person we have DECIDED to give our hearts to? If they were really no good for us we wouldn't be with them in the first place. Love is a strength not a weakness. You don't 'fall' you fly. Our loved ones never make us feel pressured, anchored, and held down; they are our anchors, keeping us centered, grounded, and aware of all the good we are receiving. And most importantly--It NEVER hurts. When you describe the person you are with you should have nothing but great things to say. Never make them out to seem like a horrid person if that isn't the reality. If you find yourself doing this, it is probably a good time to check yourself and see what issues you are struggling with separate of them. Am I being too difficult? Am I failing to compromise? Am I not caring for them properly? Am I distant or distracted? Could they be responding to my actions? If its not you--if you are NOT the problem and the answers to all of the above are no, then by all means, YOU'RE RIGHT! You are sleeping with the enemy! You really have chosen an insensitive, evil, controlling, abusive, unmotivated, non-caring, loveless, loser or w/e you wish to call them. And by all means GET OUT of the relationship. But if thats not the case-- check yourself. (;

It's easier now.

I'm not sure if its because I like him less, or I like him more, but it's easier to not want everything from him all at once. I don't know what I mean, but at the same time, I don't know anything haha. I don't make any sense, but it makes sense to me. Does that make sense?

Haha I stopped making sense two months ago, when this whole debacle started. When I signed up for this really-what-is-this-shit-relationshit, I pretty much agreed to feel this insane flurry of emotions all the time. I don't know what to say anymore, and I'm used to it sadly. I'm used to being totally anchored to a cell phone while we dirrty txt, and I'm used to how completely in sync we can be. The Spark is still prevalent, and really I am surprised at it.

When I'm thinking of him and he texts me, it makes me smile. When I text him and he doesn't text back for hours, I get pissed off. I feel completely ass over tits for him at times, others I wanna wring his fucking neck, and other times I am completely apathetic about him, the rest I wonder about what he's up to. This is frustrating, and completely consuming.

When we're together it's easy as breathing, and complicated as brain surgery. I find myself just soaking up what we could be with a title, and I enjoy just having the freedom to ignore him while I'm in his bed and leave when I feel like it. The sex isn't the only thing I'm after, it never really was, though I tried to trick myself.

I adore him and I love what we are and what we aren't; I'm done wanting what we could be. I'm finished with thinking we've got to have a direction. Long story short, I'm thankful for what we have, it keeps me sane, and I'm gonna take this as it comes, wherever it leads. Let's go, we're going on this road trip without a map, and I'm so down for wherever we end up. Just keep making me laugh, and you're set.

And a cameo appearance from...

daVinci code has resurfaced from the murky deep of who-knows-where, and wants a rendezvous. Naturally my first instinct is to oblige him, but I gave up sex for Lent (see AC for more on this). Not to mention this doucher left me hanging from November. Hm, what to do what to do.....

Plus, Hands McCoy is pushing for some face time, and naughty time. I swore him off for good, so it really doesn't help that he's set his mind to seducing me and getting back in.


shit. why do I insist on having the most difficult time?

It's everything about you.

There are times when he drives me absolutely crazy, there are times when I'm absolutely ass over tits for him, and then there's the rest of the time where I'm apathetic. This is so tumultuous and I've given up on him! haha and to top it all off, he's lounging completely unawares, most likely, not caring or even noticing how he'll get me in a tizzy.

I've sworn off sex, so in part I've sworn off him, for Lent, but even though body touching isn't on the menu, I find myself wanting a relationshit. Even though wanting it goes against my better judgement. Thankfully, I've got enough will power where this flirtationshit is annoying, but shit it doesn't seem to be waning any despite his mixed signals galore.

FACK. this is why I've given up on dating, not just him. But what angers me the most, is that I continue to do this to myself. I know how annoying, frustrating, exhilarating, confusing, enlightening, endearing he can be, and I want it.

Why do I put up with this nonsense? Because of everything about him, and sadly it happens to be what I want right now. I'm really hoping that I'll come to my senses soon, but as of now I've totally cocked up.

Take it or leave it.

I've had enough of the at times snarky "so why are you single" (read: what's wrong with you?) comments, so I'm writing what I want from a guy, and what I bring to the table. Hopefully you can put two and two together and realize that I'm not just gonna settle for any old thing.

1} Honesty is the ONLY policy with me. Some guys don't like how I openly and at times crudely discuss my life, etc. Other guys don't like the concept of not keeping secrets. Whatever, I don't have time for your crap. I'm all for open communication, you're interested, cool. You're not? cool. Be up front with me and expect it back.

2} I don't have time for games. I've played games with the best of them, and it gets old fast. I've got too much to do to worry about playing the game a certain way, baiting you and dissecting your moves and motives. If I wanted my love life to be a mystery, I'd date Sherlock Holmes.

3} I love confidence. I'm very confident, and when a guy is self-confident, it's a compatibility thing and it makes me attracted to him. But once that confidence becomes arrogance it's a complete 180. Very few guys have the balance I need to keep me interested.

4} I have many friends, that's no surprise, and most of them are guys. If jealousy is an issue with you, you can go somewhere else with that. I love my friends, they were here before yiou, and they'll sure as hell be there after you. So when I'm having girl's night or just hanging with the guys, don't get crazy, or you'll force me to get crazy.

5} I'm touchy feely affectionate, but I'm classy so there's a limit. What we do in public is obviously going to be different from what we do behind closed doors. Cross that line and make me feel cheap, you're cut. No defense on your part, nothing.

6} If we aren't exclusive, then don't expect me to be monogamous while you date half the free world. I don't mind if you're dating other people, we didn't agree to anything yet, but when we're together its just you and me. And once we do agree to be exclusive, you delete your little black book, it's respectful to me.

7} Respect is so important. If you disrespect any of the things, people or places I love so help me you will regret it. And then you'll be cut. If you're respectful, and you show me the things you love, I'll respect them as well.

8} My family is important to me, sure we don't always get along, but they're my f a m i l y. They mean a lot to me, and if I mean anything to you, you'll realize you need to make good with them.

9} I LOVE my friends, they are my extended family. If you've got beef with one of my friends, let me know and I'm not gonna force you guys to hang out, but don't pick fights or try to turn us against each other. A guy who can fit in with my friends, and bring his friends into the mix, is a winner in my book.

10} Be intelligent, well read, and articulate. This sounds like some crazy off the wall request on my part, but really I just want a guy I can talk to about more than just clothes, school, and tv. If you can woo my mind, you're a shoo-in. I have a short attention span, so when a guy engages me like this, it's a turn on. Also, some guys are intimidated by a smart girl, they need not apply, because I love being intellectual.

11} Don't be high maintenance. I'm the girl, not you, I don't want to have to constantly cater to your delicate notions. I want to be able to go play baseball or get dressed up and go to the club, or bum around together all day, or just go hang out somewhere. And your "its too hot" or "my new shoes" or "but you know that i can't" really just annoys me. MAN UP.

12} Be spontaneous, or at least flexible enough to just go with the flow. I'm extremely compulsive and when I have an idea I want to run with it. Keep up or get left behind; there's never a dull moment with me. You can miss out if you want, it's no skin off my back.

13} I love learning new things, and I want a guy who is just as enthusiastic about life. If you can teach me something new, or are willing to learn something new with me or from me, then you've got many a kudos. This is partially part of the spontaneity factor, I have no problem learning how to play a new video game for hours, or randomly waking you up to go play ninja. Remember, that you signed up for random fun and crazy times, don't bitch out on me.

14} Chivalry isn't dead, or at least it shouldn't be. I'm not asking you pull out chairs for me, or open every door, but be a gentleman. don't debase me or be rude to people for no reason. Little things mean a lot to me, believe me I notice more than you think. So when a guy does sweet little chivalrous things, it's more endearing than a guy who opens doors and tries to impress me.

15} Be yourself! I know who you are [[or at least I should, if you're honest with me then I will]] and obviously I want to spend time with you, so stop trying to be what you think I want. I know what I want, and if I didn't want you, regardless of what act you try to put on, I wouldn't have you. So just relax and have fun! Fun, laughter, and laid back energy goes so much farther than flashiness, fancy clothes, and intricate dates.

16} I'm not every girl, so don't think that what worked with your last girlfriend is going to work for me. She liked roses? I don't. She wanted presents? I don't. I love football, she didn't. I fart in public, she definitely didn't. I get obsessed with books and writing, she couldn't type because it'd mess up her manicure. Case in point, don't try to cookie cutter us, let it happen.

17} Listen. That's so important. One thing girls absolutely LOVE is when a guy pays attention to what we say. I'm not saying to memorize our words verbatim, but listen and give input. It shows you care about what we're talking about and were actually listening and not fantasizing about us. My favorite flowers are lilies and big blooms, I hate tomatoes and I'm allergic to tree nuts; simple facts about me, but when you're conscientious about it it's very endearing.

18} Personally, I have such a Type A dominant Alpha personality, that I want a guy to take charge every once in a while. A dominant, leader type is so sexual when the time calls for it; I'm not saying for you to go overboard and try and order food for me or tell me what I'm going to wear. But when I'm in a funk and you drag me out of the house to go on an adventure, or when I'm not feeling my hottest, you ravage me in a manly fashion-- it's hot.

19} I don't want you to constantly text me, I'm not going to constantly text you. But make sure you don't disappear off the face of the earth, because that'll piss me off. This stems from my asking for respect, I'm not some whore you can just pick up and drop as fits your "schedule". No. I am a lady, I expect to be treated that way.

20} Be my friend. I love talking, get to know new things about people, don't put me in the "I like this girl box" and not treat me like you would otherwise. If I'm dating someone, I want to be friends, a person I'm in a relationship with should be one of my best friends.

21} I'm a hopeless romantic and a bitter cynic at the same time. So I'm going to have mood swings, and what I like this day, I might not like the next. Like I said, there's never a dull moment with me, but you've gotta take the sweet with the sour. I'm human like anyone else, the only difference is, I know exactly what I want, but half the time I don't believe in it. All I ask for is one guy to be the guy to prove my cynicisms wrong, I want a guy to find the hopeless romantic in me and keep her company under the stars. I want a real Colorado Sunrise.

Goodbye to my Colorado Sunrise

I've decided it's best to cut my Colorado Sunrise out of my life, and this is my goodbye post to him:

You have been at best, a gentleman and a sweetheart; at worst, a charlatan and a prick. I won't deny that The Spark has been/was/is abound, but at this point your cons are heavily outweighing your pros, and I need to cut back on the amount of shit in my life.

This isn't entirely your fault and I don't want you to think it is. I have made my share of screw ups in this FWB relationshit, and I own up to them all-- unlike you. My first mistake was falling for the potential, as I often do, and then even after you showed how low on the scale you could slink, my next mistake was assuming that it didn't bother me. Of course it bothered me, what was I thinking?

That's just it, I wasn't thinking. When it comes to you, I act first, think later. And that's not the best plan of action, especially when I start to like you again. That was my next mistake. I know what you're capable of, what you've done, what you haven't done and still got emotionally invested. Like a cruel joke being played on me by Fate.

You're my Colorado Sunrise, that's a position you won't lose, but I can't have you in my life this way anymore. Its starting to get too muddled, confused and crazy. I want you in my life, certainly, but right now I've got to reassign you, and haven't found a play yet. I'm trying to take my time with the reassignment because the last time your job description changed [[from PBM (Potential Boyfriend Material) to FWB (Friends With Benefits)]] I kicked myself in the shins really.

You won't fight for me, and for that really I'm thankful, here's hoping I'll stick with my guns and do what's best for me. Letting this Sunrise finally set.

We're past the last straw, now we're onto plastic cutlery

I have had enough of mixt signals, dropped communication, and bullshit. I'm pulling the plug on this. I had a perfectly working system with my no strings attached fuck buddy, but some thing's gumming up the works. And the whole purpose of me not dating is so I can avoid this whole entrapment mess shit. I'm really done this time.

I really want to stick by the decision this time because I'm frankly tired of this game playing. No orgasm is worth this aggravation, and point blank neither is he. I'm just trying to have some fun, but if this fun comes at this kind of price, no sir.

So as of this point, I have resigned from this fuck buddy relationshit, and am taking a vacation from sex. I have a lot on my plate at this point anyhow, and I don't need something like this swelling and festering into a bigger issue.

So good bye, good night, and good riddance on this whole bit; let's pray I actually can keep it up this time.

Why are you so i n f u r i a t i n g?!

This is severely frustrating. I cannot believe that you're pulling this again, aren't we past evasiveness and being coy? Honestly when you pulled this stunt back when I really liked you, that was irritating enough, but now when you have been on top of me (as well as other things) you wanna do this again?

NO. I'm not one of those whores you fuck who don't mind if you drop them and pick them up when you're bored and alone. N O. I am a prize, I'm a fucking catch, so why don't you act like it? You're not God's gift to women, not by a long shot, and frankly I'm tired of you being a child.

MAN THE FUCK UP. I don't see why we suddenly have this communication problem, you've shown no problem with your ability to text in the past and so help me I don't see why you're starting this nonsense now.

We aren't exclusive and we're not dating, I'm well aware of that. "No papers, no promises" has been my heralding phrase from the get go, but its common courtesy to send at least a "what's up" to the girl you're sleeping with. I'm trying to be an adult, but I'm tired of being the O N L Y adult here.

I don't date because of nonsense like this, and it really pisses me off that you're bringing this nonsense into my sex life. I like you as a FWB because you fit what I'm looking for right now, and it works. But when you pull this shit, it makes me wonder what your fucking game plan is. Do you want to cockblock yourself? Because God's green earth, you've certainly done it. You know, the first day when you didn't text I wanted to punch you in the face and then have hot angry sex with you, but now? All I want right now is to fucking uppercut you in the fucking groin and as you fall to the ground in pain I wanna drop kick you in the throat.

You better pray when you text me again, I'm in a great fucking mood, otherwise I'm tearing you a new one. And what's funny is if I do rip you a new one you probably won't understand where it's coming from. You'll be sitting there reading my texts saying "what is going on? what did I do?" That's sad that you won't know what you did wrong, so I'll make it simple for you-- IT'S BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THAT I'M FUCKING ANGRY.

Rage. I have so much fucking rage right now, I cannot wait to hear from you so I can give you a piece of my mind. I'm really hoping that this is the last straw for me so I can really wash my hands of you and all your bullshit. But if it's not then you're gonna have to straighten up or get better at taking my frustrations. I've deleted your number, so this one's on you. The ball is in your court and so help me if you don't get on the game soon I'm just gonna tell you plain and simple, "Lose my number, pretend we never met, if you see me, be a pal and don't fucking talk to me. I'm done with you."

I swear, if you try to charm your way back in because you've got a feeling I'm upset, I'll go straight to reaming you, I will not pass go and I will not collect $200. Let's be the adults we're supposed to be, because I'm done babysitting. I like you, I really liked you, and I want you to stay in my life because you're great to be around-- but GAWDDAMMIT you're infuriating. Idk if you think I want a relationshit from you and that's why you're doing the Kansas City Shuffle, but I could never date someone who's okay with forgetting me. I could never get attached to someone who's alright with not talking to me. I don't want to fall for someone who has no problem leaving me hanging. So don't go getting a big head, you're not the only one out there.

Never that.

I had sex with him. Yes, I lost my virginity to him. And now, I don't even know what that means.

Prior to that, he had been MIA for almost a week. And since Saturday night, I've had VERY limited contact with him -- contact that I had to initiate, by the way. And now I'm scared. Because I did something with him that actually has value to me. As bitter and cynical as I am towards love and dating, I still believe SEX is something you do when you care. Well, it's something that I did because I cared.

The whole time we were doing it, I thought to myself, "I'm okay with this. I'm okay with letting him be my first... because I care about him. I really care about him. And that makes it okay."

But what if it's not okay? What if I made a huge fucking mistake? I keep trying to explain it away in my head: "You know what this means, Michelle. It means he's just not that into you. You'll be fine with it." But I'm not fine with it. I let you shove your fucking penis inside me... for like, half an hour! It was the first penis to ever be shoved inside me! That means something. I'm not okay with that not being validated and acknowledged. So fuck you, royally. And I don't mean literally. I mean, I hope karma comes back and rapes you in the ass.

I rewarded bad behavior with pussy. I don't think this makes me a whore. I don't think this makes me weak. I don't even think this makes me over it. But it makes me think over everything. It makes me want to throw up and scream and cry. It makes me want to throw a tantrum and slap him in the face and ram my Expedition into his fucking Corolla. It makes me really fucking angry.

I'm not an idiot. I knew that having sex with him wouldn't make him love me. I didn't want him to love me. I just don't want to be caught up in this anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of him. As much as I care about him, love him even... Maybe? Yes? As much as I am consecrated to these emotions -- I didn't sign on for this. "I just suck at staying in contact." That's bullshit. It wasn't until recently that you "sucked at staying in contact". The optimist thinks that you care about me, but you're trying to push me away. The realist in me thinks you're just an asshole.

I hate you. I mean it this time. As much as I care about you and would be torn apart if you died... I hate you. You're not a real man. You're a figment of a little boy's hero-worshiping imagination. And I don't have time for fiction, boys, or heroes. I just want a man. I just want you. No titles, no complications, no long-term plans. All I've ever wanted or cared about was YOU. And that's the part you don't get. Being called your girlfriend would be nice. Being thought about and knowing that I'm thought about is even nicer.

Gawd, I hope you have the shittiest fucking day today. I hope you get an STD today... or in a car accident. I hope something shitty happens to you. Because that's how you make me feel sometimes.

So yeah... FUCK YOU.

I want to say that I ain't havin' this...

but so far no luck. I've said it a million times the past few days, but it bears repeating because I haven't learned anything. "I wish I could choose how to feel, because these emotions aren't cooperating." But I still feel the need to punish myself for how I feel.

So I started liking him again, it's understandable, but I still feel like a failure. I was doing so well for so long with not liking him, but so help me I fell back into old habits like a nun. Shit, I want to wash my hands of this whole thing, but everytime I try, it never ends up happening.

It's got to be that masochistic streak I've got, I want to milk every last bit of misery from every opportunity I get. This is ridiculous, I tell myself "we're done. I'm not giving him a chance to encore the reason he was cut from the PBL in the first place." and what have I done?! I've set myself up again!

I'm worse than a junkie who tells themselves that this time we'll go to rehab and we'll get our shit together, only to go behind the rehab center to suck a dick for a fix. Ok...maybe not haha sorry that came from nowhere. But honestly I don't know what the fuck I've gone and done this time.

My downfall is always potential, that's where I shoot myself in the motherfucking foot. I always fall for what could be instead of just rolling with what's on my plate now. I give myself too freely emotionally because I want to feel secure, safe, what have you. But I screw myself everyway but sunday by doing that, but do I change my wicked ways? Do I change the game plan? Uhhh, NAH.

I'm disappointed in myself, there goes my concept of self control. I should keep in my head that its "no papers, no promises" so there's nothing tying the two of us together . But nooo, T can't seem to keep that shit in perspective when it matters; I'd rather be all business until I accidentally find myself falling for a guy again. Then I'm ass over tits in trouble.

James Baldwin, you had me at "Love..."

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.

I got that tattooed on the left-side of my ribcage on January 8th, 2009. And it sums up everything that I feel about love, men, relationships, and how those all interplay into Life. My mom disagrees. She says love shouldn't be difficult, it shouldn't be work... It should be as easy as two people just fitting together.

Well, then, I've got a confession: He and I, we fit.

No one understands it. I don't even understand it... but it's true. You see, it never works when I try to delete HIM from my life. He's always there -- around every corner. But when I delete all the external noise -- what my friends and family think of him, what I've been told about romantic relationships -- and just let us live in the moment, we fit. It's literally like putting on that perfect pair of jeans. They make your ass look great, hug your curves in all the right places, but are still comfortable enough to wear on Thanksgiving or during your period.

Mmhmm... He's my Fat Girl Jeans Faux-Beau. Are we dating? -Ish... Are we exclusive? Nope. Do I care? Not in this moment. In this moment, I'm still high off of the post-"I got some play at 9:45 a.m." euphoria. (I'm still a virgin... At least, this week.) Do I think he could be a huge mistake in the end? Sometimes. But I'd rather learn that for MYSELF, from MY LIFE EXPERIENCES... than from faceless advice from some dating book or unwanted input from people who aren't me. That's not naivete. And it's not me trying to be rude. It's just the truth.

I can't explain it to anyone. But this is how it goes: we're in each other's lives to teach lessons and to provide a growth process. Any other guy, I would've figured it out by now -- we're over. And then, I just let it die. But this doesn't die. Shit, I wrote an obituary for it almost four months ago, but it's still alive! That says a lot.

All I know is that I love him. In my own twisted little way, I love him. Not on that, "first true love" tip. But on that, "You were the first mile that made my heart break a sweat" tip. And I'm still running this race.


I'll make my own mistakes from here on out, ignite my own infernos, and surrender to my own Chaos. Why the fuck not?!

=]